Can you please advice me on what to do/what went wrong?

[Joey101]

About a month ago, my ex-boyfriend and I broke up.

To start off with, I had some issues with insecurity mainly due to the fact that firstly I was set up by my sister, so I didn’t really feel like dating/I am really naive so didn’t know what to expect when we first met. I’m also very much of an introvert and take time to warm up to people, so I never felt like I could open up to him [mainly cause he wasn’t the greatest at listening too] the way I could with my friends and so this put strain on the relationship because he felt shut out. I must admit, I also initially didn’t really feel peace about the relationship and didn’t like certain things so I would tell my friends I wanted to break up with him and in terms of long-term, I wasn’t really sure it would work. I was also a very anxious person and would be like ‘why don’t you go be with this other girl and each time he’d say ‘no, I want you’ or ‘I’m here to stay’.

And I guess as time went on, him being so nice and patient with me and so keen to improve and communicate our issues, by about six months in, I was starting to really like him so agreed to be his girlfriend, and the problems weren’t so big to me anymore. I was happy. A few times I was still dramatic, like not being decisive about where to eat when we went out, or saying ‘I’m fine’ when I was not, or if he didn’t text me for hours I’d assume he’d been eaten by gorillas [He said my assumptions ruined the relationship but I’ll get to that]. I also held back a LOT because I was always so shy around him. That aside, it was genuinely the best and its the first time I ever dated a proper Christian, so it was amazing like reading books together, praying for each other, respecting sexual boundaries [like I have a thing of waiting till I get married for my first kiss]. In fact the week we broke up we decided to take two days to focus on God before ourselves. So it was good. I’m not sure if I was convinced he was ‘the one’, cause I’m like twenty-two, but if God said you’re stuck with him forever, it wouldn’t be a bad thing.

The breakup was precipitated by a sleepy text where I admitted I never wanted to be in a relationship to start off with, and the next morning, somehow ended up accidentally breaking up with him over text. The funny/sad thing is I didn’t think it was serious until the next day when I was like ‘I’m kidding’ and when I got back from the library there was a text from him saying he couldn’t do it anymore and needed space and we should stay friends.

In my pride, I was like ‘fine’ and allowed him that space, and when he came back he acted like nothing happened. He kept going on about how he was doing okay and going to the gym while I was dying. He didn’t even ask how I was feeling. Then his replies started to be ‘curt’ and when I called him out on it, especially after I explained he was acting differently so if he needed more space he should let me know, he was like ‘thanks for your concern’. This made me flip off and I was like if you don’t want to be my friend let me know. Then he went into this horrible rant about how I make assumptions and how I was expecting him to read my mind that I wanted to apologise to him. I apologised, and the next day I was like we need to stop arguing over text, so we talked over the phone like a couple of days later and it was fine, we kept talking like nothing happened and it was okay. Then I was like will we ever date and he was like ‘I’m sorry I never want to get back with you’ not right now at least, I can’t deal with your assumptions yet again and I’m sorry for hurting your feelings. But the thing is, my feelings weren’t that hurt. I just didn't want to lose my friend. Or maybe they are and I just don’t know? He was so rude though that I was like ‘ugh no, I didn’t even like you that much’ We agreed to be friends, but I wasn’t so sure. He said to take time to think about it.

So about a week later, I missed him and texted him, and that was the time I realised how much I liked him, but friendship was more important so I was like are we still friends, and he was like yeah. We talked normally, was pretty okay and I can’t remember the last text I sent but it was something dumb, Leslie Knope related, and he didn’t reply for a day so instead of checking my phone waiting for a reply, I was like ’screw you’ and blocked him and haven’t messaged for two weeks now. Its been hard cause I had two weeks off from uni for Easter, but in the period, I’ve grown in my faith, it hurts but I don’t regret the breakup. I forgave him for hurting me [albeit unconsiously] and I’m learning to forgive myself.

I got nine missed calls from an unknown number today, and I panicked and unblocked him. What if it was him? [ probably wasn’t] Hence why I’m here. I'm struggling to decide whether to text him to say hello or not. I’m afraid he won’t reply cause what if he texted me in the two weeks he was blocked and is cross I didn’t respond? I’m not sure I want to get back together, but I kind of wish he’d stayed around to know me as I am, not the shy person? I feel like putting the title ‘dating’ put a lot of pressure on me, and if we were friends, I could just be normal around him. So maybe we should be friends?

So here I am. I don’t understand. Was I wrong here? Can anyone explain why he was so mean? I am feeling a lot of guilt about it too Was it really my fault? Or could he just have been done? We agreed to be friends, but I'm not sure if I should bother considering the fact we haven't spoken in two weeks. I also realise I might be at fault, do I apologise or just move on

 

[thecolorsblend]

if he didn’t text me for hours I’d assume he’d been eaten by gorillas

Golly.

He said my assumptions ruined the relationship

Imagine that.

So here I am. I don’t understand. Was I wrong here? Can anyone explain why he was so mean? I am feeling a lot of guilt about it too Was it really my fault? Or could he just have been done? We agreed to be friends, but I'm not sure if I should bother considering the fact we haven't spoken in two weeks. I also realise I might be at fault, do I apologise or just move on

Seriously now, Joey101. I must be perfectly honest with you. I never thought I'd say these exact words in this exact order. But here we are.

I think he's just not that into you.

This is indeed a disturbing universe.

Honestly, it sounds like you were more attracted to him than he was to you. No big. It happens sometimes. Wires get crossed, mixed messages (or wrong messages) get sent, misunderstandings ensue. It's not fun, that's for sure. But it happens.

Your best course of action could be to dust yourself off and find someone worthy of your time. You can't really change someone else's opinion of you. Or at least it's not very easy to do. So if he's not willing to give it another go, it's probably time to move on.

From the sounds of things, your interest level in him is sky high so I bet this isn't what you want to hear. And for that I am sorry. But I think this turned into a bit of a mess.

 

[☦Marius☦]

I think you should just let him be and move on. Once a relationship has gone downhill in such a way, it rarely can be recovered. It sounds to me like he just wasn't that interested. I think you should just let him fade from your life as even trying to be his friend will be confusing and lead to further hurt.

 

[ChristIsSovereign]

There are much better men out there, I promise. People who will be interested in you for who you are.

 

[GandalfTheWise]

About a month ago, my ex-boyfriend and I broke up.

[edited for space]

So here I am. I don’t understand. Was I wrong here? Can anyone explain why he was so mean? I am feeling a lot of guilt about it too Was it really my fault? Or could he just have been done? We agreed to be friends, but I'm not sure if I should bother considering the fact we haven't spoken in two weeks. I also realise I might be at fault, do I apologise or just move on

Speaking from the perspective of having been married for over 30 years, men and women often view things quite differently. We all have our individual differences, but there seem to be some definite trends of things that are common problem points where men and women often do not understand each other.
As I was reading the OP, a handful of behaviors jumped out at me as things that used to drive me crazy when my wife did them as well as things that I did to her that she did not like. I think you were both unintentionally stepping all over each other toes. Perhaps he's the right man for you; perhaps not. But, it would be worth learning more so as not to repeat the same mistakes in the future.

One of the best marriage seminars I've ever been to was called "Laugh your way to a better marriage" by Mark Gungor. He was an entertaining speaker who had most of us laughing about things for several hours. When we got home, my torso actually ached and I had a few muscle spasms from having been laughing so hard. He had a way of discussing common relationship problems due to differing expectations between men and women that describes what many couples experience. Here's a link to a youtube clip of part of one of the seminars. It's a bit long, but if you are serious about learning what makes men tick, this explanation is not far off.

The main web site is at Laugh Your Way Store |

We picked up the DVD set of a complete seminar (which is rare for us to ever do) that we've loaned out to a number of other couples to watch. I don't know if he has anything for singles, but this set might be worth watching to pick up a lot of insights into why the opposite sex can be so frustrating and infuriating at times.

 

[yuppers]

I think you just have to let him go. You are just confused because of all the emotions that happen from being in a relationship. The only thing that helps a situation like this is time. Which can be/ and feel painfully slow. I can tell you from personal experience that being in the friend zone can be a very though place. It’s even harder if you are still in some form of contact with each other. Emotions can play very tricky games where they take a simple situation and you can over think it into questioning like “what did they mean when they said that...”, “do they still like me because they did this thing...” you can fill in the blanks with your own. The truth is, if he said he wants to be friends that’s all it is, and that’s all it will be. You can’t over think everything! Since you blocked his number you probably aren’t talking to him a whole lot. Take this time to start to gather your thoughts together and start to move on. Just give it time. Hopefully that was a little bit helpful.

 

[mina]

You should move on. I don't think you should ever jokingly text someone about breaking up or even have any serious relationship conversations or fights via text. It leaves too much to be misconstrued and misunderstood and sometimes you can't fix it. Learn from it and move on to a better match and someone with you are better suited at communication.

 

[Joey101]

That sounds pretty legit. Thank you so much everyone. I haven’t talked to anyone about it so needed outside perspective but this makes sense. I was trying to “do the Christian thing” and endure but there’s no point. I also knew it was kind of not going to last but I convinced myself I could genuinely be happy. But I guess God knows better than me “faking it”. I have other things to focus on like finishing medical school and going to where the best training is, not being tied down by a relationship. It really sucks now cause I don’t like how it ended, but as most people have suggested I need to close the chapter and move on. And if God does want us to be friends, He will make it explicitly clear

 

[Kit Sigmon]

Incompatibility.

 

[Joey101]

Speaking from the perspective of having been married for over 30 years, men and women often view things quite differently. We all have our individual differences, but there seem to be some definite trends of things that are common problem points where men and women often do not understand each other.
As I was reading the OP, a handful of behaviors jumped out at me as things that used to drive me crazy when my wife did them as well as things that I did to her that she did not like. I think you were both unintentionally stepping all over each other toes. Perhaps he's the right man for you; perhaps not. But, it would be worth learning more so as not to repeat the same mistakes in the future.

One of the best marriage seminars I've ever been to was called "Laugh your way to a better marriage" by Mark Gungor. He was an entertaining speaker who had most of us laughing about things for several hours. When we got home, my torso actually ached and I had a few muscle spasms from having been laughing so hard. He had a way of discussing common relationship problems due to differing expectations between men and women that describes what many couples experience. Here's a link to a youtube clip of part of one of the seminars. It's a bit long, but if you are serious about learning what makes men tick, this explanation is not far off.

The main web site is at Laugh Your Way Store |

We picked up the DVD set of a complete seminar (which is rare for us to ever do) that we've loaned out to a number of other couples to watch. I don't know if he has anything for singles, but this set might be worth watching to pick up a lot of insights into why the opposite sex can be so frustrating and infuriating at times.

I just watched this. Thank you so much for sharing

 

[Joey101]

I think you just have to let him go. You are just confused because of all the emotions that happen from being in a relationship. The only thing that helps a situation like this is time. Which can be/ and feel painfully slow. I can tell you from personal experience that being in the friend zone can be a very though place. It’s even harder if you are still in some form of contact with each other. Emotions can play very tricky games where they take a simple situation and you can over think it into questioning like “what did they mean when they said that...”, “do they still like me because they did this thing...” you can fill in the blanks with your own. The truth is, if he said he wants to be friends that’s all it is, and that’s all it will be. You can’t over think everything! Since you blocked his number you probably aren’t talking to him a whole lot. Take this time to start to gather your thoughts together and start to move on. Just give it time. Hopefully that was a little bit helpful.

It was really helpful. You were spot on about the 'questioning everything'. I think thats why deep down I wanted to keep him blocked. I don't really want to be friends or even more at this point. I just have to let the feelings/memories fade... Eventually, it will be okay. Hopefully.. Thank you again

 

[Joey101]

Speaking from the perspective of having been married for over 30 years, men and women often view things quite differently. We all have our individual differences, but there seem to be some definite trends of things that are common problem points where men and women often do not understand each other.
As I was reading the OP, a handful of behaviors jumped out at me as things that used to drive me crazy when my wife did them as well as things that I did to her that she did not like. I think you were both unintentionally stepping all over each other toes. Perhaps he's the right man for you; perhaps not. But, it would be worth learning more so as not to repeat the same mistakes in the future.

One of the best marriage seminars I've ever been to was called "Laugh your way to a better marriage" by Mark Gungor. He was an entertaining speaker who had most of us laughing about things for several hours. When we got home, my torso actually ached and I had a few muscle spasms from having been laughing so hard. He had a way of discussing common relationship problems due to differing expectations between men and women that describes what many couples experience. Here's a link to a youtube clip of part of one of the seminars. It's a bit long, but if you are serious about learning what makes men tick, this explanation is not far off.

The main web site is at Laugh Your Way Store |

We picked up the DVD set of a complete seminar (which is rare for us to ever do) that we've loaned out to a number of other couples to watch. I don't know if he has anything for singles, but this set might be worth watching to pick up a lot of insights into why the opposite sex can be so frustrating and infuriating at times.

And another thing that you said that kind of gives me hope in a weird way, is that it's not just me. Maybe he wasn't designed to deal with my quirkiness, but someone else out there would. Thank you again

 

[Joey101]

Golly.

Imagine that.

Seriously now, Joey101. I must be perfectly honest with you. I never thought I'd say these exact words in this exact order. But here we are.

I think he's just not that into you.

This is indeed a disturbing universe.

Honestly, it sounds like you were more attracted to him than he was to you. No big. It happens sometimes. Wires get crossed, mixed messages (or wrong messages) get sent, misunderstandings ensue. It's not fun, that's for sure. But it happens.

Your best course of action could be to dust yourself off and find someone worthy of your time. You can't really change someone else's opinion of you. Or at least it's not very easy to do. So if he's not willing to give it another go, it's probably time to move on.

From the sounds of things, your interest level in him is sky high so I bet this isn't what you want to hear. And for that I am sorry. But I think this turned into a bit of a mess.

Thanks for your brutal kick and honesty. I needed it. Its like a veil has been lifted off my eyes. I feel like the Israelites in Numbers 11: 5-6 when I cling on to the past, forgetting that I wasn't really happy/feeling Gods peace in the relationship. I just wanted a boyfriend. Anyway, your honesty has also made me realise, I don't even want to be friends anyway and its been more my pride being wounded rather than me wanting a relationship back.. I'm going to stay off dating for maybe a year though. At least until I finish medical school [this time next year] and focus on God. Many Thanks

 

[Joey101]

You should move on. I don't think you should ever jokingly text someone about breaking up or even have any serious relationship conversations or fights via text. It leaves too much to be misconstrued and misunderstood and sometimes you can't fix it. Learn from it and move on to a better match and someone with you are better suited at communication.

I think definitely the way it all panned out was immature. I am also realising I cannot undo the past, no matter how many times it plays in my head. Like you said, move on, focus on becoming more mature, and work on my communication. Many thanks

 

[Joey101]

I think you just have to let him go. You are just confused because of all the emotions that happen from being in a relationship. The only thing that helps a situation like this is time. Which can be/ and feel painfully slow. I can tell you from personal experience that being in the friend zone can be a very though place. It’s even harder if you are still in some form of contact with each other. Emotions can play very tricky games where they take a simple situation and you can over think it into questioning like “what did they mean when they said that...”, “do they still like me because they did this thing...” you can fill in the blanks with your own. The truth is, if he said he wants to be friends that’s all it is, and that’s all it will be. You can’t over think everything! Since you blocked his number you probably aren’t talking to him a whole lot. Take this time to start to gather your thoughts together and start to move on. Just give it time. Hopefully that was a little bit helpful.

I think you should just let him be and move on. Once a relationship has gone downhill in such a way, it rarely can be recovered. It sounds to me like he just wasn't that interested. I think you should just let him fade from your life as even trying to be his friend will be confusing and lead to further hurt.

Many thanks

 

[Joey101]

There are much better men out there, I promise. People who will be interested in you for who you are.

Thank you for your short yet to the point and encouraging message