Can we date divorcees?

[nanookadenord]

There is a big difference between being divorced by an unbelieving partner and putting away your spouse.

There are guys and girls out there that have been sinned against and no longer have a marriage.

I was one.

I was one as well. She divorced me because I couldn't make her happy and the only reason I took part in it was to be sure that I wasn't taken for all that owned, which was nothing really and I was able to see my kids still.

I should add that God didn't wait as long as he did with you to bring me someone new. It is in His timing.

 

[Miles]

This is a personal matter, as far as I'm concerned. Also, every divorcee has his or her own story. It's a personal matter for them, too. We're talking about unique people with unique circumstances. Pray about it, and ask for wisdom.

Personally, I apply similar standards to divorcees that I apply to anyone else I consider dating. It hasn't happened as of yet, but I can imagine situations in which I'd be okay with dating one.

 

[Kilk1]

"And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery" (Jesus, Matt. 19:9, NKJV).

 

[PaulCyp1]

If they were married in a civil ceremony, then a civil divorce ends the marriage. If they were married in a sacramental marriage, then nothing but death can end the marriage, therefore you cannot marry them because they are still married.

 

[nanookadenord]

If they were married in a civil ceremony, then a civil divorce ends the marriage. If they were married in a sacramental marriage, then nothing but death can end the marriage, therefore you cannot marry them because they are still married.

I know a couple that did a civil on Friday because their pastor wouldn't marry them to they were civilly married. So, after that, Sunday the pastor married them.

How about them?

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

I am middle-aged and I know what the bible says about divorce. However, at my age, most of the dating pool is full of divorced men. Aren't I limiting myself by not wanting to date divorcees?

The problem is that many churches get the cart before the horse in terms of divorce. They tend to be very judgmental to people who have experienced divorce whether it was their fault or not; and they have extended love and grace toward those contemplating divorce. It should be the other way around. Those contemplating divorce should be given the uncompromising Word of God concerning how God hates divorce so that a Christian couple contemplating divorce will seek the Lord for other alternatives to save their marriage and bring new meaning to it.

But those who are already divorced need love and grace, because it has happened, and one cannot put the clock back so it never happened. The Scripture says that all manner of sin and iniquity shall be forgiven and that includes divorce by a spouse who did it for whatever reason. The spouse who is divorced when he or she did not choose it has not sinned at all.

There is a great difference between doing something to someone, and someone having something done to them. In the case of divorce, if it has been done to a spouse, then the person who has done the divorcing needs to seek the Lord for mercy, grace, and forgiveness, which the Lord will freely give, totally forget, and lead that person into a new phase of life with Him.

The spouse who has had the divorce done to him or her has not sinned. That person has been sinned against, and there is no guilt, penalty or bondage in that case.

So, if you date a divorced person, and that person is honest, open and truthful about everything, then you will be able to discern whether the person, if sinned, has been forgiven, cleansed and restored by the grace of God; or if the person was the victim of a divorce, then you can be assured that no sin has been committed and the person can be viewed as never been married.

In the case of divorce, one size definitely doesn't fit all, and we must never underestimate the extent of God's mercy and grace toward any person who has experienced divorce.

 

[ChicanaRose]

But those who are already divorced need love and grace, because it has happened, and one cannot put the clock back so it never happened. The Scripture says that all manner of sin and iniquity shall be forgiven and that includes divorce by a spouse who did it for whatever reason. The spouse who is divorced when he or she did not choose it has not sinned at all.

Amen, @Oscarr. There is forgiveness in the Lord for everyone.

But @Lybrah, there are also practical matters to consider. Would you only date a single divorcee, or would you consider dating a single father with small children? Be open and accepting but if it doesn't feel right to you, you don't have to compromise. You can wait on the Lord for the right person.

 

[Hazelelponi]

I am middle-aged and I know what the bible says about divorce. However, at my age, most of the dating pool is full of divorced men. Aren't I limiting myself by not wanting to date divorcees?

This is not an area I can give Christian Advice on but I will pray for you.

(And no, your not too picky.. make a list and check it twice and don't you settle for less!)

 

[Ing Bee]

I am middle-aged and I know what the bible says about divorce. However, at my age, most of the dating pool is full of divorced men. Aren't I limiting myself by not wanting to date divorcees?

Hi Lybrah-

For any issue in the life, the question we should ask is "What course of action will best enhance God's reputation and deepen my enjoyment and trust in the Savior?"

As pressing and as emotionally challenging of a question as this is for you, it is also an opportunity to grow in your knowledge of God's thoughts and desires as expressed in His word! Here are some possible biblical topics to explore in a bible study or to discuss with your small group or others in your church family:

1) What is the purpose and nature of marriage as defined by it's Creator? (Genesis 1 and 2, Matthew 19 Ephesians 5, etc.)?

2) Why was divorce allowed by Moses? (Matthew 19:8-9)

3) What does Jesus say about divorce? (ibid.)

4) Did/does God ever divorce his "bride"? (type in "divorce" in the search field of Bible Gateway or Bible Hub).

5) Is Marriage a preferred state for Christians? (Matthew 19:10-12, 1 Corinthians 7:6-9)

6a) Are believers permitted to divorce? Even unbelieving spouses? (1 Corinthians 7:10-13)

6b) How is marriage/divorce portrayed and discussed in the New Testament, especially in Acts and the letters? In other words, what is the norm for the early Christians?

7) What does Paul say about believers who are abandoned by their unbelieving spouses? (1 Corinthians 7:12-16)

8) Will Jesus ever abandon you or forsake you? (Deuteronomy 31:6-8, Hebrews 13:5)

9) Does being unmarried limit your ability to flourish in life and ministry? 1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

10) Does your desire to be married (even with slim pickings) supersede God's wisdom in your life? (Proverbs 3:5) What does it mean to "acknowledge Him in all your ways" in this context?

11) Who in scripture trusted God's character and endured through hardship and privation? (Hebrews 11)

12) What does Jesus promise to those who, for His sake, abandon everything? (Mark 10:28-30) Do you believe this? Can he provide you with meaningful relationships through his people without marriage?

13) How does the "one flesh" principle (first mentioned in Genesis and later by Jesus and the disciples) influence the idea of remarriage to a divorced person?

14) How does Paul use this "one flesh" idea in 1 Corinthians 6:12-20? Can we be enslaved by our good desires as well as evil desires? What are the implications that we have been "bought with a price" and that we are "not our own"?

15) If a person was divorced and then became a believer, is the sin of divorce forgiven?

16) If a man was a believer, then got divorced and now wants to get remarried, should you consider him a stable, god-honoring partner? What consequences might you encounter in that relationship?

17) On a personal note: will you be able to appeal to Christ as the head of your marriage if your husband and you had willingly stepped around his direct statements in order to satisfy your own desires in your own way?
​

The goal in thinking through these should not be to get a "thumbs up or thumbs down". The best outcome would be that you have a deeper understanding of the Father's love for you in Christ. The desire to be married is a good thing but if we have "all things necessary for life and godliness" in Christ, then we are not slaves to our own desires but able to walk in fellowship with Jesus, resisting sin by the power of the Spirit (Ephesians 1, 2 Peter 1:1-5, Romans 8).

 

[ArmenianJohn]

I am middle-aged and I know what the bible says about divorce. However, at my age, most of the dating pool is full of divorced men. Aren't I limiting myself by not wanting to date divorcees?

From my perspective, most of the dating pool is full of divorced women.

 

[GodLovesCats]

Dating should not be a problem. After all, it is an extra-biblical practice to begin with; so the bible has nothing to say about it.

This is incorrect. The Bible has passages about lust and having sex out of wedlock. Also, don't forget one of the Ten Commandments is, "You shall not commit adultery."

 

[devin553344]

I am middle-aged and I know what the bible says about divorce. However, at my age, most of the dating pool is full of divorced men. Aren't I limiting myself by not wanting to date divorcees?

Adultery is a serious sin. Matthew 5:32

 

[Dave-W]

This is incorrect. The Bible has passages about lust and having sex out of wedlock. Also, don't forget one of the Ten Commandments is, "You shall not commit adultery."

Dating is not sex. It is going out together.

No lust, no adultery.

 

[S.O.J.I.A.]

Looking at what scripture has to say about the status of one whose divorced spouse is still alive ..

Would you date someone who is married?

 

[Hazelelponi]

Dating is not sex. It is going out together.

No lust, no adultery.

Don't you date to discern compatibility for marriage?

I think the adultery issue comes up inside marriage to someone who has been divorced.. if I recall scripture correctly.

I'm unclear how people are supposed to understand that, since clearly some Christians will marry a divorcee..

 

[Dave-W]

Don't you date to discern compatibility for marriage?

That is one reason, but not the only one.

I think the adultery issue comes up inside marriage to someone who has been divorced.. if I recall scripture correctly.

If the divorce occurred for unbiblical reasons and both parties are believers.

I'm unclear how people are supposed to understand that, since clearly some Christians will marry a divorcee..

There are a variety of teachings and opinions on that subject.

 

[Jonaitis]

I am middle-aged and I know what the bible says about divorce. However, at my age, most of the dating pool is full of divorced men. Aren't I limiting myself by not wanting to date divorcees?

Well, as harsh as it does sound we should not consider entering a relationship with a divorcee (see Matthew 5) as it is a form of adultery. The paper may say they are no longer one flesh, but before God they remain one flesh until one of them dies. The only exception to this rule I believe is if the spouse wasn't Christian before they separated and she walked out of his life.

 

[GodLovesCats]

Dating is not sex. It is going out together.

No lust, no adultery.

People are dating when they have sex outside of marriage, right? In that case Scripture certainly includes some words about dating: the risk of doing it wrong.

 

[FutureAndAHope]

I am middle-aged and I know what the bible says about divorce. However, at my age, most of the dating pool is full of divorced men. Aren't I limiting myself by not wanting to date divorcees?

The bible gives commands to benefit people. The rules regarding divorce, are God's best for married couples, i.e. divorce, and remarriage are not encouraged. The bible says a divorced person should remain single or be reunited with their partner. As a married person myself this has greatly benefited me as it has kept me married, and I have had to work through any difficulty I faced in my marriage.

However there is also the fact that in today's world people often divorce, and remarry. As an example a divorced man may be single, and his past wife remarried. This is not ideal, but it happens. We see from scripture that God has in the past allowed unions that were not ideal, i.e. David and Bathsheba, as an example. David was in no way legally by the law of God, allowed to marry Bathsheba, yet God allowed it.

The thing to be aware of however is that people that are divorced are not always the ideal partner, if their first marriage has failed, it may have been their fault, obviously not always, but it can be risky dating a divorcee.

God will not put the heavies on you if you date a divorcee. But it would be better to find a single.

 

[JackRT]

44 years ago my wife dated a divorcee. We have been happily married now for 43 years.