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Featured Can I stay here?

Discussion in 'For New Christians' started by Zurückschlagen, Jan 10, 2017.

  1. Zurückschlagen

    Zurückschlagen Weiß und Blau

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    Today everything was going well, and I went to the bathroom to wash my hands, and I realized, my hot water was gone. The Boiler in my house stopped working. You know, for the last few months everything has been very bad for me. You can read my introduction thread if you're interested. Today was the worst day ever in my life.

    Hot water was gone. My house has no insulation. I have not much money so I'm very careful how much electricity I use. One of my rooms is not heated at all. I keep only my bedroom warm.

    Why I'm telling you this? No heating, no insulation, -25 degrees Celsius in the night outside, imagine how that feels. 1 meter of snow. You get the picture. It's insanely freezing cold.

    So no more hot water, I had to wash the dishes with freezingly cold water, probably almost 0 degrees, at freezing temperatures in the room. It's so cold that condensations around the windows turned into ice. And it's already one week this way.

    I also had to wash with ice cold water.
    I got really sad, I started crying. My life is already ruined. Why suffer more? From sad I got really angry, and I started hitting everything I can see in one of the rooms. I hit the fridge so hard I made a huge bump. Those Karate classes made us human machines so I just trashed most of the stuff without my computers of course. I was just hitting doors, banged my head against the fridge, made a huge bump on it. I felt awful. I felt so much pressed against the corner.
    My hands are all in slashes and cuts from the cold weather.

    So it's really bad for me and the last thing I did I got the Bible, my ikone, it's very small thing with Jesus Christ printed on it and you pray on it, you know. I trashed it all. And then threw them out in the garbage can with some nasty looking garbage inside.
    I continued to cry, hit whatever I can. And I cursed my mother to the end of times, to go in hell and forever live to endure the pain I endure right now. And then I cursed God to just stand by and watch, indifferently how good people are going destroyed by bad people. I again thought about suicide, I guess I'm too much of a coward that's why I didn't do it yet. And then I cursed him for the end of times. Yes, I cursed God for the end of times because he is just standing there, and I'm getting completely destroyed out here.

    I don't care about my punishment really, this is way too much for me already.

    My honest question is, because I could've just hid that, but instead I'm here sharing my story, so my question is, can I stay here if I'm not Christian?

    I mean, I guess I'm not a real Christian if I cursed God until the end of times. And I cursed my oppressor (my mother who destroyed my life) to burn in hell forever. This makes me an angry, consumed by darkness and obviously still wanting revenge man.

    But can I stay around? I know that my belief after today vanished. I pulled the Bible out from the garbage and cleaned it a little bit with water, but I did it only because it was my great-grandmother's book, she is long time dead now, and the book is printer in 1949. And my ikone I pulled out from the rubbish because it's actually quite old too. I bought it when I was a little kid, in 1999 I reckon, or something like that. It's old for me. But even after I pulled them from the rubbish, I don't think I really believe in anything now.

    I believe that I should help men, and people, and animals, and nature. I believe that I should help and still do some good because I never wanted bad treatment from people. So when I don't want bad treatment myself, why do bad stuff to people? What if one of those men to whom I was doing something bad was something like me, thinking like me. So yeah, I will be the same person, with the difference I will probably die soon for cursing God to the end of times, and for not believing anymore. I won't do any good to the Devil too, I won't do bad stuff, but I guess I will keep it to myself. And not allow people like that around me. Never again.

    Thanks for reading.
     
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2017
  2. Micopero

    Micopero Buy the truth and sell it not. Pro 23:23

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    Yes of course you can stay here, no one is powerful and we all fall, i'm truly saddened with what happened to you and at a loss of words... can we help by any actions? For the cursing part, God won't hurt you since you did it out of weaknesses.. he came for the sick after all not the righteous...
     
  3. mnorian

    mnorian Oldbie--Eternal Optimist Staff Member Supervisor Supporter CF Senior Ambassador

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    As long as you don't get a bunch of warnings; you can stay on CF as long as you like.

    The thing to do is to ask God to forgive you; even if you think it is too late; cause God is greater then what you think; and know that every thing that has happened to you is from the enemy; and you don't want to let him have his way; get up; stand up and believe Jesus is on your side; because he is.

    Clean off that old Bible and read it; that's where the power is; and you believe it or you wouldn't have that scripture in your signature. God bless you and may Jesus guide your path here and in the world.
     
  4. Zurückschlagen

    Zurückschlagen Weiß und Blau

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    @Micopero

    Thank you for your quick reply, good Sir.

    I guess for me it's enough that I'm still here, because it says www.christianforums.com on the address bar.

    I don't think I'm that arrogant to call myself Christian anymore after what I did a few hours ago.

    I'm glad that I could stay here and communicate with folks.

    And I read that a few minutes ago, but like I said, I don't really care much.
    It's already too bad for me.

    “Therefore I say to you, every sin and blasphemy will be forgiven men, but the blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven men. Anyone who speaks a word against the Son of Man, it will be forgiven him; but whoever speaks against the Holy Spirit, it will not be forgiven him, either in this age or in the age to come” (Matthew 12:31-32 NKJV).

    For example, I spent my Christmas alone, freezing, watching YouTube videos.
    And I spent New Year's Eve alone, freezing, taking photos of the fireworks. My neighbours saw me and started laughing at me. No family, no friends.

    And one of my friends when we had contact told me I should try not to speak to anyone before I help myself first. Because I would be a complete retard If I try to give advice to people, when I'm almost homeless. This really hurt me.
    I feel better when I do something for someone. And he told me I'm useless.

    Thanks, again.
     
  5. mnorian

    mnorian Oldbie--Eternal Optimist Staff Member Supervisor Supporter CF Senior Ambassador

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    Well people told/tell me the same kind of things; but that's why my tag for my avatar is "Eternal Optimist" ---in Jesus that is. If you can listen to some good Praise & Worship music; it helps me. There are some German videos on youtube. Check out our P&W Music forum link in my signature.
     
  6. Zurückschlagen

    Zurückschlagen Weiß und Blau

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    @mnorian

    Thank you too for the quick reply.

    I don't swear from long time ago now, so this would not be a problem. I also try not to use sarcasm anymore because that's kind of offensive too.

    Anyways. I'm not sure I want him to forgive me. You see, a bunch of 5 or 6 people, plus more than tried to, they completely smashed me. They took me by surprise. Even closest people around me. I didn't expect to get backstabbed by mother, and best friends for 8 years. I talked for almost every day to all of them. We saw each other often, worked together, we did favors, etc. Why are they doing this, I could swear, to God, to Demons, to Cosmic powers, and Aliens, whatever, I didn't provoked their behaviour, and I never stole money or goods, or intellectual property from them or anyone so they could go and return the favor back.

    That's the main reason I started to hesitate. Now that my enemies are laughing at me right now, now when they are feeling warm, and around people, celebrating the holidays, I don't envy them, I hate them. Deep down I know I'm filled with hate. I feel the physical and psychological pain. Freezing feet and hands, not mild but heavy depression, not being able to work, to eat, sleep, back pain, neck pain, it's a complete loss. My car broke the other day. I know this is Demon's fault, and the people working for Demon's fault, but why isn't anyone interfering with all this? Should I go fight them ALL ALONE? How is that possible.

    I got really upset and angry with God because I never had the chance. I will never have the chance to retaliate. Or if I don't retaliate, just show them that they can't win. That'd be enough I think!

    Actually, they won.
    My grandmother didn't knew about this. I talked to her a few hours ago, she cried too. Bad men win in the end I guess.

    Just a glimpse again, just a good sign, some hope, some faith would force me to believe again. My faith was never that strong I guess. I guess I broke down, and I'm done.

    But thank you, you were very helpful and detailed. God bless you too.

    For my signature, I really love it. But, I took the full armor of God, and nothing happened. I got more knockouts. Too much concussions already.

    I guess I'm not all bad, you know. People in my position, they crack, and they go all dark. Switch sides, you know. I don't switch sides at least. Neutrality.
     
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2017
  7. Zurückschlagen

    Zurückschlagen Weiß und Blau

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    I love music, I will check out the music! I listen to music almost all the time. It helps me run away from reality a little bit. I also listen to voices, like voice actors, podcasts, stuff like that. I will start my own YouTube channel soon. I just have to get a decent mic. I want to speak, on English so all people could understand me!

    Vielen Dank!
     
  8. mnorian

    mnorian Oldbie--Eternal Optimist Staff Member Supervisor Supporter CF Senior Ambassador

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    Gern geschehen!
     
  9. Micopero

    Micopero Buy the truth and sell it not. Pro 23:23

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    I wish if i could hug you now... you are currently in a state of mind that may lead you to negative actions, all i ask you is to try to regain your wellbeing, mnorian's advices are excellent, I'm also thankful for your post on my profile, CF does not allow me to reply to/post profile message though :/ I'm not good though but if you want to call me feel free to add me on Skype Micopero :)
     
  10. Zurückschlagen

    Zurückschlagen Weiß und Blau

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    Thank you, you are too kind.

    I will try to refrain from bad actions, because I'm prone to. When I was younger, from my 20's to 23, 24, I was really short tempered. Now I think more. And yeah, I also don't want to get "blood" on my hands either. My mother will need me one day, she will get older, but I will not be around. This is the greatest punishment in life. And my "friends" will "need me" again if I am ever to succeed. To go alone from this world, not a good thing. I at least didn't lost hope in humanity. I could've lost hope in God, but I will never lose hope in humanity! NEVER.

    Danke, I will contact you soon on Skype! :crossrc:
     
  11. mnorian

    mnorian Oldbie--Eternal Optimist Staff Member Supervisor Supporter CF Senior Ambassador

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    You should be able to reply to members who post to your profile page; click on comment and see if it works; if not let me know.
     
  12. Micopero

    Micopero Buy the truth and sell it not. Pro 23:23

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    You are welcome but one thing, if i hadn't God in my life i wouldn't even be here, God changed me, specially that i know myself, i lacked empathy before accepting Christ... and i will pray for your mother to reconcile with you, maybe your empathy toward her can change her heart, so don't take decisions now please..
     
  13. Micopero

    Micopero Buy the truth and sell it not. Pro 23:23

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    I still can't, i only find Delete, Report, Like, both laptop and phone.
     
  14. gentlejah

    gentlejah New Member

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    That's how I feel too and I am sure so many of us are right now reading all this...like we just want to hug you. You have been through so much in life but it's obvious you remain a light and beautiful soul and nobody wants to see you give up.

    And please don't be upset by your bursts of anger or ever feel that God is upset by that. It's very natural and human and if we can see that, God certainly can so please don't add to your pain with guilt. It's not necessary at all.

    I'm not good at giving advice but I think you should just concentrate on you right now. You sound extremely intelligent, skilled and resourceful and you can do this.

    You have been surrounded by many toxic people but there are good people in this world and you will find them. You will do great things in life, you will help others in this world and be a blessing to many but don't be afraid to take care of yourself first. To get yourself in a position to do all that.

    I'm not preaching or moralising either but I've always found in life it's the people who have been broken, beat down and through the ringer...well they turn out to be the people of real substance and character.

    I know it's near impossible to see now too where you are at but I am thankful for all the pain in my life. I've been there. I've been broke, impoverished,without heat, in tears in pain from psychical illnesses, broken inside and somehow I dunno it made me who I am with God's help. It made me appreciate I'm not one of these lost souls who goes through life almost sleep walking in too much materialism.

    Don't put too many demands on yourself right now but just try to take comfort in Jesus. I remember a time I did nothing for Jesus..I couldn't then..I was in no place to.
    I would just lay on the floor crying and in my mind hold on to his feet for comfort and hold on to a few of his words I could memorise. One thing I did always know was Jesus could change all this and He will even if it's not in the way you expect or on your time.

    Please just take care of yourself one step at a time and know that you are loved.


     
  15. vinsight4u

    vinsight4u Contributor

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    /nvm
     
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2017
  16. mnorian

    mnorian Oldbie--Eternal Optimist Staff Member Supervisor Supporter CF Senior Ambassador

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    @Brent W do you know why they might not be able to post on their profile page?
     
  17. Goatee

    Goatee Jesus, please forgive me, a sinner.

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    Waw, powerful post. You are in a predicament aren't you! If you were living near me i would try to help you, i would (I live in the UK though).

    Look, as i have mentioned to others before, you have a very big cross to carry it. Carry it for God! Offer up those sufferings to God for others and love of God.

    Of course you are welcome here! They even allow me to stay here!! Phew!!! Me! A gigantic sinner no less!

    Be strong. God is carrying you while you carry your cross. It will get lighter if you put your trust in God.
     
  18. Zurückschlagen

    Zurückschlagen Weiß und Blau

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    First of all, thank you for your detailed reply, you didn't have to, good Sir or gentle Madame. Beautiful. You are beautiful. And thank you for the song. I quoted only this because it really caught my attention. I would never pick an iPhone instead of Humanity. Maybe we're just the same.

    And you really inspired me, and this post helps a lot. You would think "Ah, how could a few random words help someone". Words help me, because my whole life I dedicated to learning better grammar in many languages, learning manners, and learning how to behave. Words build bridges! Words help! I have this flame, this very same flame that one particular dictator had, I love to speak and I do it very passionately. I do not want to use it for something bad. But if I really have to describe myself what I am like in real life, right now, and for most of my life, I am exactly like Optimus Prime from the Transformers movie, if some of you watched it. I am struggling to not go on the path of revenge, I went down that road many times in my life, for when people wronged me. And yet they never learned. They I asked myself, what did I do? I waste my energy and got "blood" on my hands, for what I have accomplished?

    I try to keep to the blue side, keep calm, and do good, but I bear the color of the sin and anger, and I keep it for the people that wrong me or for the people that wrong other innocent men or nature.

    I don't possess any black colors, nor white, but I'm exactly in between, between blue and red. Calm, yet nervous, generous, yet cruel, hope and despair. But I never started anything myself first. I always defended myself, but I did it in the most cruel ways. Maybe this is my biggest mistake. I can't learn to let go. Something brings me back and I remember the past for too long.

    Only boiler. Too much ice and snow and the Boiler is in the attic, and it's not accessible at the moment (outside door only). I switched it off because it could explode. The pipes could be frozen, or the whole thing could have failed. I don't know at the moment. I use a blower, like a small heater stove with a fan, so heat a few bottles of water so I could actually take a "bath". It was intense. The tiles in the bathroom were freezing so I put an old towel, and everytime I bath, I will have to wash two towels. It's a complete mess right now. If someone came into a house, like a guest, he'd think I'm a hobo. It's not funny at all, I just pictured myself as a hobo and it's kind of funny. I should buy some hobo gloves and I'll be a complete hobo.

    Thank you. This was great! I loved your post. And thanks for the help. The best help I could get right now is hot water. The cold water makes everything so bad right now. And the end of winter of course. Those temps are too extreme this year. My phones are not working. This cold. My readings from them are wrong and they constantly switch off (iPhones). I hate them. I put two cases on them and I hope that I would at least have a working cellphone right now. I will have to sell them eventually, if things get more bad for me. Hope not.

    I am actually this closer. I started this project, a huge website and a forum, and I could not finish because of constant trouble! And I can't finish my own website because of all this. This is so frustrating, because I have so many ideas, a huge step for me, and something is always coming up. I got the flu, then I got another flu, and a third flu, after that I got hacked a few times, now the cold weather, and the cold water, my friends decided to go offline a few days ago. This is like a massive full scare war some nasty evil spirit is fighting against me, and me not hitting back at all. Just taking straight punches to the jaw. I'm getting dizzy already, to be honest.

     
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2017
  19. Zurückschlagen

    Zurückschlagen Weiß und Blau

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    You should check out my Albums. All the photos are mine. Thanks.
     
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2017
  20. rockytopva

    rockytopva Love to pray! :) Supporter

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    Sounds like it is time to plan your trip to Acapulco...

     
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