Can I reconcile with my ex-husband after divorce?

[RitaB]

Here is my story... After 15 years of marriage I told my husband that I wanted to separate. So we separated in July of 2013, divorce was legal in Dec. 2014. I wanted the divorce b/c I was unhappy, he refused counseling up until then, verbally abused me at times and basically was an unaffectionate husband. When I told him I wanted to separate he told me of his inappropriate contentography addiction. He went into a program and has since recovered. I was the one who chose to leave and filed but he didn't try to save it. We did go to counseling a few times, but by that time my heart was hard and I said no more. I moved out and filed for divorce.

Now after being divorced for 15 months, I have been regretting my divorce, well for the last 6 months, but so far done nothing about it. I just learned that my ex-husband has a new girlfriend which really upset me and she is around my kids. This set me over the edge and now I wonder what I can do to get my ex husband back. Will he take me back? Is there any chance or hope for us? Is he obligated to take me back. I have dated for the last 2.5 years and have not had any lasting relationships, mostly bad dating experiences. I have lived in sin, which I regret. After my ex being unaffectionate for so long, all I wanted was attention and boy did I get it, in the form of online dating. Men took advantage of me and my vulnerable state. In the back of my mind I have regretted my divorce, since last Summer. But I am too proud to say anything to him. Cause I'm not sure if he would want me back. I think I still love him and learning of this girlfriend has made me very upset, I cry everyday. I feel I made a huge mistake that I now have to live with for the rest of my life.

How can I get him to take me back? When I have done so many wrong things. I never cheated on him physically. I began dating when we separated, which looking back was probably wrong. I have not been the best Christian but have began going back to church more regularly and found a new church. Is there a magic formula or just pray for God's will?? Please help!! What do I do?? I have only told one mutual friend and her husband so far. Should I even consider it or is it too late after divorce?? Feeling sad, lonely, hopeless.

 

[dayhiker]

Hi Rita, welcome to CF.

First let me say that many people upon separating do what you did, both men and woman. I'd just view it as a transition thing and move on
I come away from reading your post feeling that you haven't done the personal work that you need to do in your own life. Your EX did some work and presumably has fixed some of his issue. So I'm going to recomment that you not consider going back to your EX till you do some personal growth stuff. You need to be healthy as a single before your going to be healthy married again. If you husband hasn't really done much work on himself then you both will be in the same hurtful place in a month of getting back together. So go find a councilor that can help you. Maybe your pastor can help, but often they have not had enough training to deal with what people need to deal with. So get a recommendation from your pastor.
Come back and let us know how it is going.

 

[RitaB]

Thanks for your reply. Well I believe I have grown a lot and have grown to be more independent. It has been a growing experience. I think counseling is a great suggestion for myself. However, he does have this girlfriend. Shouldn't I let him know how I feel before he and she become too serious? That is my fear and he will end up with her before I even have a chance. I believe I have had a lot of personal growth. Its been 2.5 years since we split up! I have bought my own home, work full time, learned how to pay my own bills and take care of a house. I've also gone to church on my own, by myself and/or with kids. My boys are 10.5 and 7.5 and it breaks my heart in two when I hear them talk about this other woman.

Rita

 

[Lotuspetal_uk]

Hi Rita, I agree with Dayhiker in that you sound as though you would need a third party (a pastor experienced with counselling/marital reconciliation) to walk you through the healing needed before even considering getting back with your ex. Do not be concerned with the fact that he has another girlfriend as at the end of the day, if you guys were meant to be reconciled then it will happen. In your OP you mentioned that you had been verbally abused - how often this was is something only you and your ex would know. If it was frequent then I would suggest that it does take quite some time to recover from this kind of abuse and I would caution you into returning back to someone who did this frequently.

Praying for you.

 

[RitaB]

The verbal abuse was there but mild to moderate. I believe he has changed as a person. But thank you for your recommendation. I am mtg. with a mutual friend of me and my ex-husband tonight to discuss the above and next steps, if any. But, why do you think new girlfriend is bothering me so much??

 

[JAM2b]

Many experts, both secular and Christian, will tell you that it takes an average oh half the length of the marriage to fully recover after a divorce. So theoretically, that would be about 7.5 years for you. IF you throw other relationships in and they don't go well, then that adds to the damage done to you emotionally and can make the process take longer. You can't make healthy decisions about serious relationships while in this condition. If he abused you, then that will also take time to heal and relearn how to function in relationships.

I think the new girl friend is bothering you because you haven't completely healed from your failed marriage yet. And she is encroaching on your territory with your kids. And humans are jealous by nature.

I don't doubt that you still love your ex-husband. But that doesn't necessarily mean that you need to have a relationship with him again. If your marriage was bad enough to get out of, then there is a good chance it is something that you need to stay out of. 2.5 years is not long enough for your ex-husband to prove his change is sincere and long lasting. Forgiveness does not automatically mean trust.

 

[dayhiker]

Rita .. if you stop by, I'd be interested in hearing an update.

 

[VikingLutheran]

You did the wrong thing leaving your husband. Stop pretending being a victim and ask yourself what you did to make him happy in your marriage? You are the bad guy, not him. Stop pretending something else. Stop pretending that "he has changed". You've just realised that the grass was not greener elsewhere, thats all. And now you can not stand that your ex-husband is happy and you're not so you want to mess up his new relationship. You had your chances with him, but back then he was not good enough for you.

You have to repent and take the full responsibility of how you messed up your life, his life and worst of all your children's lives. You need to be able to claim the full responsibility for the divorce without any excuses.

 

[JAM2b]

Viking Lutheran,

Based on what she posted, there was more to it than her simply being unhappy. He was abusive and she tried for a long time to get help and he refused, and was addicted to inappropriate content (which many feel equates to marital unfaithfulness).

 

[VikingLutheran]

Viking Lutheran,

Based on what she posted, there was more to it than her simply being unhappy. He was abusive and she tried for a long time to get help and he refused, and was addicted to inappropriate content (which many feel equates to marital unfaithfulness).

The verbal abuse was mild to moderate in her own words. Can we be sure that that's not just him not agreeing with all her statements? As for inappropriate contentography it's not a just cause for divorce whatever women feel. And definitely not if he was prepared to go into a addiction program. Not saying that inappropriate contentography is good but it just isn't adultery. (Of course if it's an addiction it would hurt the family life as much as any addiction).

 

[smithed64]

Rita,
I commend you on wanting to get your marriage back on track. And going to church is the first right step for you to have taken. Have you spoke with your ex-husband to see how he feels toward you? Yes, he was abusive verbally and had the addiction. Yes, he as a girlfriend, but this girlfriend could also be a coping mechanism, just as your dating was.
And if the picture of you is accurate (you know online, trust, but verify) then you obviously don't have an issue with attracting men.
The thing is this. When we are looking for that number one, person in our lives. We tend to forget who should be the number one person, Christ. While your going to church, put Christ first. Pray and read your Bible, put your trust in Christ. God put your marriage together in the first place. He never wanted it to be torn apart. Give it to God, He will fix it. When you speak to your husband, let Him know how you live for Christ, forgive him and ask for forgiveness. Once you do this. It's in God's hands. Keep living your life for Christ before your ex and Lord willing He will see this and God will use your life with Him to bring conviction to your ex husband to come back to or have a closer walk with Christ and to fix the marriage.
Keep the faith.

 

[kevintri99]

No, being lonely is not an excuse to get together. Very few people change or want to. After the physical stuff it will be the same old issues.

Here is my story... After 15 years of marriage I told my husband that I wanted to separate. So we separated in July of 2013, divorce was legal in Dec. 2014. I wanted the divorce b/c I was unhappy, he refused counseling up until then, verbally abused me at times and basically was an unaffectionate husband. When I told him I wanted to separate he told me of his inappropriate contentography addiction. He went into a program and has since recovered. I was the one who chose to leave and filed but he didn't try to save it. We did go to counseling a few times, but by that time my heart was hard and I said no more. I moved out and filed for divorce.

Now after being divorced for 15 months, I have been regretting my divorce, well for the last 6 months, but so far done nothing about it. I just learned that my ex-husband has a new girlfriend which really upset me and she is around my kids. This set me over the edge and now I wonder what I can do to get my ex husband back. Will he take me back? Is there any chance or hope for us? Is he obligated to take me back. I have dated for the last 2.5 years and have not had any lasting relationships, mostly bad dating experiences. I have lived in sin, which I regret. After my ex being unaffectionate for so long, all I wanted was attention and boy did I get it, in the form of online dating. Men took advantage of me and my vulnerable state. In the back of my mind I have regretted my divorce, since last Summer. But I am too proud to say anything to him. Cause I'm not sure if he would want me back. I think I still love him and learning of this girlfriend has made me very upset, I cry everyday. I feel I made a huge mistake that I now have to live with for the rest of my life.

How can I get him to take me back? When I have done so many wrong things. I never cheated on him physically. I began dating when we separated, which looking back was probably wrong. I have not been the best Christian but have began going back to church more regularly and found a new church. Is there a magic formula or just pray for God's will?? Please help!! What do I do?? I have only told one mutual friend and her husband so far. Should I even consider it or is it too late after divorce?? Feeling sad, lonely, hopeless.

 

[kevintri99]

Many experts, both secular and Christian, will tell you that it takes an average oh half the length of the marriage to fully recover after a divorce. So theoretically, that would be about 7.5 years for you. IF you throw other relationships in and they don't go well, then that adds to the damage done to you emotionally and can make the process take longer. You can't make healthy decisions about serious relationships while in this condition. If he abused you, then that will also take time to heal and relearn how to function in relationships.

I think the new girl friend is bothering you because you haven't completely healed from your failed marriage yet. And she is encroaching on your territory with your kids. And humans are jealous by nature.

I don't doubt that you still love your ex-husband. But that doesn't necessarily mean that you need to have a relationship with him again. If your marriage was bad enough to get out of, then there is a good chance it is something that you need to stay out of. 2.5 years is not long enough for your ex-husband to prove his change is sincere and long lasting. Forgiveness does not automatically mean trust.

i have same issue keeping her out of my life. temptation is bad when she comes over. she treats me poor lt makes me do stuff i am not proud of but lonely without her

 

[JAM2b]

i have same issue keeping her out of my life. temptation is bad when she comes over. she treats me poor lt makes me do stuff i am not proud of but lonely without her

The temptation when the other person steps back in can be a very difficult challenge. I have dealt with it myself, both in my previous marriage and in a long on-again/off-again relationship. It was always so easy for it to become On-again because of loneliness. A tricky thing about it was that he didn't mistreat me when it was "On." He would just withdraw and call if off, sometimes abruptly. So he was always a great guy when we were in an active relationship. There was just never any solid commitment or follow through. The reasons why seemed legit for a very long time. I went for it over and over again.

 

[kevintri99]

I meant to say she makes me do things I don't want to do and am not proud of myself for doing it but i do it because she asked. i do it over and over again too. how did you deal with it?
.

 

[JAM2b]

I think over time I began to just... hm. I'm not sure how to explain it. I would not chase after him as hard. I would make myself available to him, but give him space when he called it off or wanted a break again. Overtime, keeping him happy seemed less important as he did it again and again.

I do have a health problem that causes fatigue, but I used to fight it harder to keep interacting with him when the fatigue hit. When I saw that he wasn't coming through when it seemed like he could have, I stopped trying so hard. I still wanted him. I felt guilty for being tired and giving up on trying please him. But the guilt and desire reached a point where it wasn't as strong because he wasn't backing up what he said with actions.

I hope that makes sense.

 

[kevintri99]

I think over time I began to just... hm. I'm not sure how to explain it. I would not chase after him as hard. I would make myself available to him, but give him space when he called it off or wanted a break again. Overtime, keeping him happy seemed less important as he did it again and again.

I do have a health problem that causes fatigue, but I used to fight it harder to keep interacting with him when the fatigue hit. When I saw that he wasn't coming through when it seemed like he could have, I stopped trying so hard. I still wanted him. I felt guilty for being tired and giving up on trying please him. But the guilt and desire reached a point where it wasn't as strong because he wasn't backing up what he said with actions.

I hope that makes sense.

I think I understand. I feel good about her but as soon as her friend comes over things change and she makes me do stuff in front of her friend. its been two years. i have an issue but dont think its medical related. how did you get out? do you see him still?

 

[JAM2b]

He just backed out of the relationship again. We are long distance from each other, and he would like to move farther away. We have talked a very small amount since then. I miss him, but I'm not going to chase him. He knows what he needs to do if he should ever want to try again, if I'm still available. I'm not moving beyond light, friendly conversation unless he comes through in a big way.

 

[Svt4Him]

If I may be so bold, what pulled you out of the marriage after 15 years? Oh, don't get me wrong, that's standard. 1, 7, 15, 25 years are the usual times. But it takes something extra, usually another person, to pull one out. Was there someone you were interested in?

 

[kevintri99]

He just backed out of the relationship again. We are long distance from each other, and he would like to move farther away. We have talked a very small amount since then. I miss him, but I'm not going to chase him. He knows what he needs to do if he should ever want to try again, if I'm still available. I'm not moving beyond light, friendly conversation unless he comes through in a big way.

I am sorry to hear that you are unhappy and he keeps doing that to you. I have only been in this one so i dont know what is good or bad.
what do yopu mean your not moving beyond lidht conversation and what does he have to do in a big way?