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Bucket list

Discussion in 'Widow/Widowers' started by blackribbon, Jul 15, 2019.

  1. blackribbon

    blackribbon Not a newbie

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    Ok. I have started counseling after hitting an emotional low related to a health issue. Surgery has mostly corrected the issue and now I realized that I have no life. Prior to the surgery, it was only work and recover related to severe pain issues. My challenge this week is to form a bucket list. I realized that when my husband died, my bucket turned over. He was part of everything on my bucket list. Now, I am becoming an empty-nester alone and my bucket is empty. It is partially because I have been on survival mode for so long, often just trying to find the money and time to get through the next few weeks that I haven't had time to dream for a very long time. Part of it seems to be that I still really don't know how to do things alone, my kids have always been there (and still would be there if I asked), but it is time for me to learn to be alone and dream alone.

    I have a small personal goal of going to a movie alone this week before I see the counselor again. I have a movie picked out. I don't know if the difficultly is more not wanting to spend the money or if it is really just doing this alone. The weather says rain tomorrow and the next day, so I am going to try to go to a matinee (easier to justify the expense at matinee rates).

    Does anyone else have similar difficulties? Have you found a way to overcome them? I know when I do things, I often still quietly mourn the fact that my husband isn't there to enjoy them with me. I am not stuck in the past. He is gone and I am living my day to day life. But I still don't seem to have any great desires for things I want to do anymore. At 53, I still have a lot of years likely ahead of me.
     
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  2. JustRachel

    JustRachel He welcomed me back! <3 Supporter

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    I can't say that I understand your situation, because I have not been there. I am sorry for the loss of your husband. Would going out with a good friend at first be a possible option? I can imagine how hard it is to do things alone. My anxiety makes it difficult. Hugs and prayers for you.
     
  3. blackribbon

    blackribbon Not a newbie

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    No good friends anymore. That is the problem. Married friends often don't have the time. But the pain issue means I have sort of become a hermit over the past 3 years and lost contact with the few people I did have. I am also going to need to start making new friends but not even sure where to start for that either. I am hoping that if I can start doing things alone, I can find things to invite others to do with me.
     
  4. blackribbon

    blackribbon Not a newbie

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    Got sent me a meme:

    It said "I crossed the first thing off my bucket list. I got a bucket. :) "

    I guess I got mine too. I am just deciding what to put in it.
     
  5. christine40

    christine40 Well-Known Member

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    sorry for your loss; can't imagine how difficult it's been
     
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2019
  6. blackribbon

    blackribbon Not a newbie

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    I haven't had time to do fun activities in so long that I don't know what interests me. That is the reason my therapist has me working on a bucket list. I have been a full-time working solo parent for the last 10 years. No time or money for hobbies. Money is still tight since I am a much reduce income until I come off of medical leave. But I am starting to look around for things that might seem fun.
     
  7. christine40

    christine40 Well-Known Member

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    look to childhood
    often things we liked as kids are interests as adults, too

    blessings
     
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2019
  8. Hazelelponi

    Hazelelponi Well-Known Member Supporter

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    ...

    I'm sorry for your loss..
     
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2019
  9. blackribbon

    blackribbon Not a newbie

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    Some of it is tangling him out of the picture. Some stuff I used to do, I loved doing because he was there. And I am finding out that he was the enjoyable part, not the hobby or activity. I also have some things that I don't want to do because we did both enjoy them and the empty hole is just more obvious when I am doing them.

    I will figure it out because I have no choice in the matter really.
     
  10. Hazelelponi

    Hazelelponi Well-Known Member Supporter

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    I'm sorry I wasn't more help.
     
  11. christine40

    christine40 Well-Known Member

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    hope you go!
     
  12. blackribbon

    blackribbon Not a newbie

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    I'll get there. Took a big step and spoke before our County Commissioner's meeting on a topic important to me and my job. I am finding my voice again.

    I'll get to the movie yet, though.

    Simply caring helps. Thx.
     
  13. mnphysicist

    mnphysicist Have Courage to Trust God!

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    I can sort of relate. My late wife was paralyzed / bed confined for her last 11 years... so any sense of a bucket list was pretty much gone. Rather than planning, our fun stuff had to rely more on the ability to execute on a moments notice when she was having a good day, or a good few hours. Looking back, I'm still amazed at some of the crazy stuff we pulled off, sometimes just us, or sometimes an entire crew like the time I got a bunch of random guys to carry her ambulance stretcher across the muddy fields at a Christian music fest.

    I totally get this in spades...

    Rebuilding a bucket list is a big challenge... I'm still in the mode of flying by the seat of my pants. Transient things are easy enough at this point, but it seems for bigger goals / long term things, I'm drawing blanks.
     
  14. J Daniel

    J Daniel Active Member

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    You have given me advice - let me give you some.

    Because your circumstances are very different - maybe for you going on a pure Christian date with somebody of your age and cloth would be good for you.

     
  15. blackribbon

    blackribbon Not a newbie

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    Exactly how do you do this? I need be asked out. I don't even know where to find single Christian men of my age. They don't come with labels.

    In the meantime, I need to find out who I am now. I must be more than a mom and a nurse.
     
  16. J Daniel

    J Daniel Active Member

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    Find out through your church - talk to the pastor. Or you could join a Christian dating website for your age group.

    Today I was at the park - just thinking - cos I am not gonna lie I was so close to just saying *I AM GOING TO DO WHAT I KNOW I CAN DO TO BE HAPPY* an download some App etc etc but then a pastor came along spread the word.

    Had a long talk with him on the park bench.

    He told me how he met his wife - interesting - I think for you a Christian Dating site (age specific) would be good for you.

    You know yourself very well!
     
  17. J Daniel

    J Daniel Active Member

    406
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    See I don't want to give you advice that leads you down unwanted things - but you could date younger Christian men - you'd be shocked at young men that go for older women of your cloth (even if it is just for talking engagement at least).
     
  18. blackribbon

    blackribbon Not a newbie

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    Dating doesn't solve live's problems. Dating can bring more sorrow when it doesn't work out (and most dating relationships don't lead to marriage). And it is not healthy to date when you are feeling weak. God should be your rock, not another person.

    I did actually apply for another job. I have made it through the first interview and get the next one in a few days. I am not sure if I will take it if offered but it is a step forward in seeing a future with variety and new situations. It would also be a noticeable raise financially which would begin to open more doors for dreams that I didn't think were financially plausible.
     
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