Breaking up with my girlfriend part 4...

[Christian4252]

So a continuation of this thread: I think I will break up with her again tomorrow. Advice?

You guys keep telling me it's not fair to her for me to keep dating her and I need to let her go so she can stop wasting her time with me.

Well. I tried. It was so sad and hard to do because I do really love her and care about her and I want the best for her. The look on her face was so sad. We both cried. She reframed things saying she doesn't want to just give up and she said how about we try to work things out. I said ok. We continued to hang out and by the end of the night it was as if nothing had happened.

I know I should have just continued to say no but it's just so hard and sad to see someone in her situation. And with her continuing to persist it makes things reallllllyyyy hard to just continue to say no. It's as if she can't be happy unless I stay with her and get married to her. I don't think that's good for her to think that way and I try to help her out and say that it's going to be ok regardless. She has told me that she knows God told her that I am the one. That thinking is so dangerous. I've thought like that before and it usually doesn't end well because then you aren't prepared if things don't work out. You always want to plan for the worst.

Please help me. And don't tell me I'm the bad guy. I have tried to take your guys' advice and "do the right thing" and let her go so she can find someone else. But she won't let me. Remember this is the second time I have tried breaking up with her. But yeah. I'm out of ideas. Let me know if you have any.

 

[Sketcher]

I can think of some ideas you'd have to repent of later, but you don't want to have to do that. And I hope you wouldn't want to sink to that level on general principles.

 

[Albion]

So a continuation of this thread: I think I will break up with her again tomorrow. Advice?

I know I should have just continued to say no but it's just so hard and sad to see someone in her situation. And with her continuing to persist it makes things reallllllyyyy hard to just continue to say no.

It's as if she can't be happy unless I stay with her and get married to her. I don't think that's good for her to think that way and I try to help her out and say that it's going to be ok regardless.

Please help me. And don't tell me I'm the bad guy. I have tried to take your guys' advice and "do the right thing" and let her go so she can find someone else. But she won't let me. Remember this is the second time I have tried breaking up with her. But yeah. I'm out of ideas. Let me know if you have any.

I wouldn't say you are a bad guy. However, we've told you that you need to decide...and then let her know in no uncertain terms.

But you cannot do that without immediately taking it back, so you haven't actually "told her."

Given this state of affairs, and the feelings you do really have for her, she's yours for as long as you continue to date her and she still wants you around.

 

[bèlla]

No one can help you. You’ve gotten a lot of advice but it really boils down to two factors: faith and self-preservation. When the reason is wedded in these areas nothing can topple it.

 

[Carl Emerson]

I waited 10 years on the wrong lady...

Then God bought my wife to me miraculously.

That was 37 years and 5 Children ago.

Real Love born in heaven and will stand a separation.

Are you in good fellowship ?
As someone suggested get an appointment with a Pastor and lay the situation out.
A time apart will prove the nature of the relationship.
She will need the ladies in the church for support - not your support.
Co-dependence is crippling - real love lets go.
You have nothing to loose and everything to gain.

Don't attempt it alone.

Get Pastoral support.

 

[Hammster]

Be a man.

 

[SkyWriting]

So a continuation of this thread: I think I will break up with her again tomorrow. Advice?

You guys keep telling me it's not fair to her for me to keep dating her and I need to let her go so she can stop wasting her time with me.

Well. I tried. It was so sad and hard to do because I do really love her and care about her and I want the best for her. The look on her face was so sad. We both cried. She reframed things saying she doesn't want to just give up and she said how about we try to work things out. I said ok. We continued to hang out and by the end of the night it was as if nothing had happened.

I know I should have just continued to say no but it's just so hard and sad to see someone in her situation. And with her continuing to persist it makes things reallllllyyyy hard to just continue to say no. It's as if she can't be happy unless I stay with her and get married to her. I don't think that's good for her to think that way and I try to help her out and say that it's going to be ok regardless. She has told me that she knows God told her that I am the one. That thinking is so dangerous. I've thought like that before and it usually doesn't end well because then you aren't prepared if things don't work out. You always want to plan for the worst.

Please help me. And don't tell me I'm the bad guy. I have tried to take your guys' advice and "do the right thing" and let her go so she can find someone else. But she won't let me. Remember this is the second time I have tried breaking up with her. But yeah. I'm out of ideas. Let me know if you have any.

It would be best if you move out of state.

You Just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free

Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

 

[Tolworth John]

Let me know if you have any.

Do you want a house with a wife and several children? yes or No.

Can you see yourselve as the head of such a household? yes or no.

If no, change church, start not being there, don't answer the phone, or be available for dates or to hang aroung together, do this by either working overtime or being at the gym/out for runs or at a bar the other side of town.

 

[Christian4252]

I wouldn't say you are a bad guy. However, we've told you that you need to decide...and then let her know in no uncertain terms.

But you cannot do that without immediately taking it back, so you haven't actually "told her."

Given this state of affairs, and the feelings you do really have for her, she's yours for as long as you continue to date her and she still wants you around.

I mean she doesn't really give me much of an option. I tried to tell her it's over. But she wouldn't let me.

 

[JAM2b]

I think that if you were truly ready to break up with her then you would have stuck to it. I don't think that you are at the breaking point where you can be done with the relationship.

I think it could also be a situation where she is using her emotions to manipulate you to get what she wants. If that's the case, then it's working.

Maybe instead of a break up what you need to do is slow down or take a break. Make it clear to her the reasons that make you think you should breakup. Let her know without doubt, and keep reminding her, that you are not interested in marriage. That way you aren't leading her on.

Talk to her about your concerns about her need for you in her life for her to be happy. Insist that she talk with someone about that. Maybe the two of you together could go to some counseling or to a pastor.

Stay honest and open with her about what you want and how you feel about the situation. I wouldn't try a break up again until you know for certain that it is the right thing and it is what you want regardless of how she feels or if she cries or not. Don't do it when her emotions can still make you change your mind.

 

[Carl Emerson]

I mean she doesn't really give me much of an option. I tried to tell her it's over. But she wouldn't let me.

That is why you have to bring accountability by involving a Pastor...

 

[Albion]

I mean she doesn't really give me much of an option. I tried to tell her it's over. But she wouldn't let me.

Yes, I can picture how that must have happened. However, you COULD have said it and made it stick. Instead, you were moved by her reaction.

That's because you do care for her and do not want to hurt her. What doing this accomplishes, though, is to give her renewed hope.

So that would leave you with two choices--break her heart and know that in time she'll probably recover...or stick around for at least the near future while not ever saying you intend to get married. The latter would be very stressful with her talking about marriage and God's intentions, etc. and she'd most likely also think that the longer you are together the stronger the possibility is of you changing your mind about marrying.

Frankly, I thought at the start of this discussion that we here could offer you good, solid advice and get you on the right path, but now I doubt that there is any easy way out.

I felt that you had to choose between two "not great" alternatives, but now I'm almost inclined to suggest that you insist upon a sober conversation with her in which you (having covered all the foregoing points with her previously) say to her that the two of you need a trial separation. Then see how you both feel after a few months.

 

[Michie]

So a continuation of this thread: I think I will break up with her again tomorrow. Advice?

You guys keep telling me it's not fair to her for me to keep dating her and I need to let her go so she can stop wasting her time with me.

Well. I tried. It was so sad and hard to do because I do really love her and care about her and I want the best for her. The look on her face was so sad. We both cried. She reframed things saying she doesn't want to just give up and she said how about we try to work things out. I said ok. We continued to hang out and by the end of the night it was as if nothing had happened.

I know I should have just continued to say no but it's just so hard and sad to see someone in her situation. And with her continuing to persist it makes things reallllllyyyy hard to just continue to say no. It's as if she can't be happy unless I stay with her and get married to her. I don't think that's good for her to think that way and I try to help her out and say that it's going to be ok regardless. She has told me that she knows God told her that I am the one. That thinking is so dangerous. I've thought like that before and it usually doesn't end well because then you aren't prepared if things don't work out. You always want to plan for the worst.

Please help me. And don't tell me I'm the bad guy. I have tried to take your guys' advice and "do the right thing" and let her go so she can find someone else. But she won't let me. Remember this is the second time I have tried breaking up with her. But yeah. I'm out of ideas. Let me know if you have any.

She’s not stopping you from doing anything. Make up your mind and stand behind it or do you want to keep her repeatedly begging? Kind of a sick little cycle going on. You should put an end to it.

 

[mama2one]

@Christian4252

tell her the truth!

*that you don't want to get married because you're happy being single

*that you don't want children

*most importantly, you are NOT going to change
that she will NOT change your mind on above 2

ask her if 5 yrs from now when she is 40, will she be happy being single & childless...SNAP her into reality!


she is already at the age for a high risk pregnancy, she needs to move on from you if she wants to marry/have kids

 

[Christian4252]

@Christian4252

tell her the truth!

*that you don't want to get married because you're happy being single

*that you don't want children

*most importantly, you are NOT going to change
that she will NOT change your mind on above 2

ask her if 5 yrs from now when she is 40, will she be happy being single & childless...SNAP her into reality!


she is already at the age for a high risk pregnancy, she needs to move on from you if she wants to marry/have kids

Believe me. I have told her. She won't have it though.

 

[Christian4252]

I think she is sort of in denial. Like there is no way this could be happening. It pains me. I want the best for her and I think that is me breaking it off at this point. But then she gets really sad and says it will be ok and insists we stay together. Do you have any idea how hard it is to go against that?

 

[trophy33]

I think she is sort of in denial. Like there is no way this could be happening. It pains me. I want the best for her and I think that is me breaking it off at this point. But then she gets really sad and says it will be ok and insists we stay together. Do you have any idea how hard it is to go against that?

Take a one year break from the relationship. And fast for a week in the beginning to reset hormones in your body.

After the year decide if you want to marry her or not.

Remember that women cry a lot when they are stressed, they are emotional. It does not mean the same thing to when a man cries. Its even possible that after a month she will have another man and you will not exist for her.

For women, the breakup is the worst in the moment, but they are frequently happy again soon after that.

Men frequently begin to regret later, thats why the one year break.

 

[Christian4252]

Take a one year break from the relationship. And fast for a week in the beginning to reset hormones in your body.

After the year decide if you want to marry her or not.

Remember that women cry a lot when they are stressed, they are emotional. It does not mean the same thing to when a man cries. Its even possible that after a month she will have another man and you will not exist for her.

For women, the breakup is the worst in the moment, but they are commonly happy again soon after that.

Men commonly regret later, thats why the one year break.

Lol she wants to get married now. She does not want to take a one year break. I did already suggest to her in my first attempt to breakup that we could just take some time off and she said no.

 

[trophy33]

Lol she wants to get married now. She does not want to take a one year break. I did already suggest to her in my first attempt to breakup that we could just take some time off and she said no.

If you already had sex with her or made some promises, I think you should marry her, no matter if you "feel" it or not.

If you kept your relationship on a decent friendship-like level, do not let her manipulate you with her emotional requirements and say to her that she can choose between the break and breakup.

 

[Christian4252]

If you already had sex with her or made some promises, I think you should marry her, no matter if you "feel" it or not.

If you kept your relationship on a decent friendship-like level, do not let her manipulate you with her emotional requirements and say to her that she can choose between the break and breakup.

We never had sex. I never made promises about getting married to her.