Breaking Engagements

[Carri20]

Here's an issue that doesn't come up very often...

If two non-Christians are engaged, and then one of them becomes a Christian and breaks the engagement so as not to be unequally yoked to a non-believer, is that person (the Christian) free to pursue other relationships and possibly marry someone else later? Or is it the same as if they had gotten a divorce, even though the actual wedding never took place?

On the one hand they've made a commitment, but on the other hand the Bible commands Christians not to be married to non-Christians. Also in biblical times people were referred to as husband and wife during the engagement--or betrothal--period, and for them to call it off at that point required a certificate of divorce.

 

[JustJack!]

I think any Christian that would break off an engagement with someone over that, is a mangy dog, and should be treated as such.

 

[Spinrad]

It depends on whether the relationship were consumated.

 

[Blackmarch]

Here's an issue that doesn't come up very often...

If two non-Christians are engaged, and then one of them becomes a Christian and breaks the engagement so as not to be unequally yoked to a non-believer, is that person (the Christian) free to pursue other relationships and possibly marry someone else later? Or is it the same as if they had gotten a divorce, even though the actual wedding never took place?

On the one hand they've made a commitment, but on the other hand the Bible commands Christians not to be married to non-Christians. Also in biblical times people were referred to as husband and wife during the engagement--or betrothal--period, and for them to call it off at that point required a certificate of divorce.

If they weren't married, they weren't married. And are not bound by the oaths of such.

So both are free to pursue whomever else they wanted to.


(Note don't break it up by running out just a while before wedding, and then trying to hide in Las Vegas... not the most painless way of breaking it up)

 

[Big Baby Jesus]

Anyone who does that is a ****.

 

[Carri20]

Woah, hey there, this is something that actually happened to me and I'm just looking for an honest Christian answer. Please, if you're going to judge me or try to argue that Christians and non-Christians should marry, kindly ignore this thread. Start your own if you like. I'm just looking for Bible-based thoughts on this.

 

[Spinrad]

Shouldn't you be doing that in a Christian only area?

 

[Carri20]

Shouldn't you be doing that in a Christian only area?

This area seems appropriate enough.

Actually I wouldn't mind the non-Christian replies at all if they were at least polite. I really wasn't expecting this thread to create so much anger. In a period of about 2 minutes I was called a "mangy dog" and something else written in *'s. lol

 

[charmtrap]

On the one hand they've made a commitment, but on the other hand the Bible commands Christians not to be married to non-Christians.

Any non-Christian who marries a fundie is asking for trouble. A liberal christian would be ok though.

 

[El Brujo]

On the one hand they've made a commitment, but on the other hand the Bible commands Christians not to be married to non-Christians. Also in biblical times people were referred to as husband and wife during the engagement--or betrothal--period, and for them to call it off at that point required a certificate of divorce.

Keep in mind that in Biblical times, an engagement wasn't necessarily between two people in love with one another. Arranged marriages were common, so breaking off an engagement usually meant a lot more than mere hurt feelings.

 

[Spinrad]

This area seems appropriate enough.

Actually I wouldn't mind the non-Christian replies at all if they were at least polite. I really wasn't expecting this thread to create so much anger. In a period of about 2 minutes I was called a "mangy dog" and something else written in *'s. lol

Well, in a section of the board where anyone can post you are bound to get that kind of thing. And I guess I can't really blame them, although it is rude to put it the way they did. But I feel that if that is the reason you left someone you did the person, yourself and anyone involved in the relationship a disservice.

 

[Lokisdottir]

Not to sound judgmental, but you can't have loved this person very much to break up over something like that.

I think the responses you're getting stem from the fact that most of us non-Christians simply don't understand this concept of "unequally yoked." The thought of leaving my agnostic boyfriend just because he doesn't believe in my Gods is saddening.

 

[CaDan]

Here's an issue that doesn't come up very often...

If two non-Christians are engaged, and then one of them becomes a Christian and breaks the engagement so as not to be unequally yoked to a non-believer, is that person (the Christian) free to pursue other relationships and possibly marry someone else later?

Yes.

Or is it the same as if they had gotten a divorce, even though the actual wedding never took place?

No.

On the one hand they've made a commitment, but on the other hand the Bible commands Christians not to be married to non-Christians. Also in biblical times people were referred to as husband and wife during the engagement--or betrothal--period, and for them to call it off at that point required a certificate of divorce.

Our current period of engagement is the modern descendent of posting banns. The purpose of posting banns was to give the public notice of the parties' intent to marry so that the community could raise objections such as bigamy or (in Ye Goode Olde Daze) apostasy. Banns are not binding--they are merely notice to the community of an impending marriage.

 

[Seeking...]

I don't see an engagement as being on par with marriage, so if you should end an engagement for any reason you are free to see new people.

In addition - I get "unequally yoked" and I think it is something that Non-Christians should consider as well. I am passionately Deist, so it doesn't make any sense for me to hook up with anyone who is a devout believer in any of the "revealed" religions. I would not be interested in sharing their faith (other than intellectual discussion) and I would not be okay with potential children being raised in it. In addition, were the morality of such faith to contradict my own value system, there would be issues. I couldn't spend my life with someone who might be continually preoccupied with my being on the wrong path and unable to quit riding me about it.

I don't consider it a minor thing to want to share a similar worldview with a life partner.

 

[JustJack!]

Actually I wouldn't mind the non-Christian replies at all if they were at least polite. I really wasn't expecting this thread to create so much anger. In a period of about 2 minutes I was called a "mangy dog" and something else written in *'s. lol

I was directly calling you a "mangy dog".

So you say you were in this position? Did you dumb your fiance because of this? How did he react?

 

[flicka]

Break up and move on. Or extend the engagement until such a time as the non christian converts or the christian deconverts.

It's ok to break an engagement for any reason at all. The worst possible thing to do is ignore any potential problems because one of you is too embarassed to end it, marry, and ultimately divorce.

 

[Soul Searcher]

Here's an issue that doesn't come up very often...

If two non-Christians are engaged, and then one of them becomes a Christian and breaks the engagement so as not to be unequally yoked to a non-believer, is that person (the Christian) free to pursue other relationships and possibly marry someone else later? Or is it the same as if they had gotten a divorce, even though the actual wedding never took place?

On the one hand they've made a commitment, but on the other hand the Bible commands Christians not to be married to non-Christians. Also in biblical times people were referred to as husband and wife during the engagement--or betrothal--period, and for them to call it off at that point required a certificate of divorce.

I wonder how much time went by between the conversion and the break up and who initiated the breakup?

 

[Carri20]

Not to sound judgmental, but you can't have loved this person very much to break up over something like that.

Is it really fair to say that? I defied my entire family to be with him for 5 years. You don't know what went on in those 5 years. I no longer love him as a lover, but I love him very much in the way Christ loves us, and I pray for him daily. It's not a matter of me not loving him--I just love God more. I had to put God first. I don't regret that.

So you say you were in this position? Did you dumb your fiance because of this? How did he react?

We parted on friendly terms and still keep in touch. What I didn't mention earlier is that this was a very slow transition; it took nearly a year from the time our feelings began to fade until we finally broke up. I put the situation in God's hands and he brought us through smoothly. If my fiance is upset at all about our separation, he shows no sign of it.

 

[CaDan]

Is it really fair to say that? I defied my entire family to be with him for 5 years. You don't know what went on in those 5 years. I no longer love him as a lover, but I love him very much in the way Christ loves us, and I pray for him daily. It's not a matter of me not loving him--I just love God more. I had to put God first. I don't regret that.



We parted on friendly terms and still keep in touch. What I didn't mention earlier is that this was a very slow transition; it took nearly a year from the time our feelings began to fade until we finally broke up. I put the situation in God's hands and he brought us through smoothly. If my fiance is upset at all about our separation, he shows no sign of it.

I'm glad to hear it worked out well.

 

[Carri20]

Thanks.. It really did work out well. God's taking care of me. Sometimes it takes a forum thread like this to sort of bring that fact to light, but he is nonetheless.