Breaking a Bad Habit

[Bon]

Hello parents and other interested parties

I recently dropped in for some help with my three year old son, Bonham.
(NOT ENJOYING MY 3 YEAR OLD)

I am hoping someone can give me some advice on a waking problem.

My 3 year old has been a bit wierd about going to bed. He goes down OK...but, I have to stay with him till he goes to sleep. It's been a real punish, but now I've managed to convince him that I will stand outside his door, and not inside his room.....Then I sneak off.

Anyway, in recent weeks, (and now that he is in a big bed), he wakes anywhere between midnight and 2am. I have to go and stay with him till he falls back to sleep. (anything from a few minutes to an hour).

Then he wakes at anywhere between 5 am and 6.30am and that is it......he up for the day.

My rules:
If he wakes earlier that 6am......he has to lie in his bed.....sleep or no sleep.

When it is 6am or after.....he can turn his light on and play quietly in his room only.

He is not allowed out of his room until 7:30am (it's winter here and pitch dark until then).

(Myself or my husband has to stay in his room all this time...usually on his bed with him)

HERE IS MY DILEMA
Last night he was awake and calling out at 1:15am. This time I decided to PUT MY FOOT DOWN and tell him that I was not going to stay in his room but that I was going to go back into my own bed and he must just go back to sleep.

I told him I was sick of getting up in the MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, and that I would no longer accept this king of behaviour. (yes, a few tips from "THE SUPERNANNY" )

Anyway, he screamed the house down for over 2 and a half hours, while my husband and I layed in bed fuming. He finally exhausted himself back to sleep.
(I told him half way through all the yelling that I would be packing up every toy he got for his birthday last week, when it was daytime.)

But then woke up two hours later ready to get up.

(I've had 4 hours sleep and I'm very cranky at him this morning)

I've tried all manner of discipline......
yelling (which doesnt work)
being calm and firm (which doesn't work either)
threatening to put him out in the garage with Fluffly the cat, where he can yell and play to his hearts delight and no-one will hear him.
the naughty corner....(it scares him but how can I do it at 2:00 in the morning?)
taking away his favourite toys (he doesnt care - he's not even phased that I am packing away his birthday presents)

I am sick to death of going into his room to wait while he falls asleep.....it's been going on way too long...and now this night-time antic is becoming a very bad habit, which I will not tolerate.

Another big problem is that DH and I have huge fights over all this stuff, and end up yelling at each other while we're yelling at out son. (a sad and terrible display of parental behaviour)
Because he is the softie and I am the tough disciplinarian I cant get him to understand my tactics (I explain everything to him, but he's not interested in understanding), and last night he said I was just being plain LAZY, because I would not just "GET UP AND GO INTO THE ROOM WITH HIM". (Now that makes me fume).

How do I nip this one in the bud?

Any ideas....anyone have the same, or similar problem?

With thanks from Bon (a sleepy and crabby Mum)

 

[Blessed_Mommy]

I don't have the same problem, exactly, but a similar one. My five year old daughter has Sensory Integration Disorder. It is a condition where her muscles are continuously tense, and it is very difficult for her to relax and fall asleep. When she does fall asleep, she doesn't stay asleep long. For a long time, I had to hold her very tightly until she fell asleep, and then I had to sleep sitting up in the recliner while holding her or she would wake up, and neither of us would get any more sleep. Eventually, after begging the doctor continuously, he consented to allow her to take medicine to help her sleep.

I don't know how you feel about medicating, and it may not be what your child needs. Keep in mind that my daughter has a medical condition that won't allow her to sleep without the medicine. I just know it has helped my daughter immensely, as she is now able to sleep for 6-7 hours before she wakes up. She still gets up extremely early (usually about 5:30 a.m.) but it's way better than staying up all night.

 

[erin74]

Blue - as per usual, excellent advice.

One thing we learnt. Never try to work out a strategy while they are screaming. It is incredibly hard, and it often ends in fighting. Try and work out a strategy before you both go to bed, or before he goes to bed. Tell him what it is, and then be consistent.

The low voice seems to work well to. I have a tendency to resort to yelling too - similar reasons, my dad yelled. I have noticed that when I am calm and no nonsense my son gets it. It's like he takes me seriously cause he can see i'm serious, and not just emotional - contributing way too much to a 3 year old I know!

good luck with it

erin

 

[Dogbean]

Spank the boy. I didn't hear you say you tried that. We use a wooden spoon. He cannot be allowed to act like that.

 

[BeanMak]

When ours were 3-4 they would wake up at night and want to climb in bed with us. I put a blanket and pillow on the floor by the bed. When they woke up at night, they came and laid down there. They went back to sleep, I was never awake more than a minute, and peace and quiet reigned in our house at night. Some nights they didn't even wake me up- they would just curl up in their spot. (I just needed to watch out where I stepped in the morning)

 

[andiesmama]

Andie's doing something like this as well (she turned 3 last week). She goes to bed fine (usually...) but will wake up a couple times during the night. It's a consistency thing you've gotta do. (like the others have said) I used to do the yelling & threats as well, then I read somewhere that it's better NOT to make a big deal out of it, just say the same thing each time in a normal voice...I say, "It's not time to be awake, it's time to sleep."

Sometimes Andie will push it when she first goes to bed with the excuses (water, potty, her feet are cold...anything she can think of! lol) and I'll do the same thing. I've found that by NOT making a big deal out of it, by NOT reacting to her, she gets bored with the whole thing. In the middle of the night, sometimes she comes into our room & I take her right back to her bed (unless it's a potty thing, then we do that first of course!!) & say the same thing....ok, well, sometimes I'll crawl into bed with her to rub her back or something but that's not very often!

Anyways, it's starting to work, going to bed has become less of a battle since I've started doing it this way & the middle of the night visits are decreasing as well.

So good luck! I'm sure you'll get alot of advice, you just need to keep trying stuff until you find something that works for you guys...

 

[Princessperky]

I used the fade out to get my two to sleep on there own, instead of going from staying right beside them to a room 'oh so far away' (in the eyes of a small child) I slowly got out of the room. I did start a bit younger, but even at three the concept of gradual independance is likely to help.

http://home.earthlink.net/~guin_dt_sales/id16.html

link to fade out


I dunno what time your bedtime is, or how much sleep you get, but DD is almost always up before 7, she comes to visit me and climbs in and out of my bed while I 'snooze' I count myself lucky if I don't see her before 6am. (she is 1.5 and goes to bed at 7:30ish, so grand total of 10ish hours) my DS needs more sleep but is older so he gets about the same 10 but no nap. Conversly overtired kids have more trouble falling asleep. so you need to read your kid for signs that he is getting enough, and know depressingly that once he sleeps thru the night he will sleep for less time. (oh 1.5DD does have to use the potty in the night so she never really sleeps more than 8 hours without a visit, but it is a short reward for the potty in my bed, then back to hers, no fights unless she is teething)

http://home.earthlink.net/~guin_dt_sales/id25.html

link to sleep needs in kids

On the DH thing you are so right to come get help, and that the yelling of you and DH is making the trouble with your DS worse (for DS) pick a plan, fade out or otherwise and stick to it, and promise yourself that no matter what you will both support the plan (pick it over lunch not at 1am!)

I am of the opinion that no punishment is helpful in the middle of the night, DS does get a reward for staying in bed all night but it is mearly a formality now, and it is awarded in the AM, (he gets a truck, we use the truck thing, mainly cause around here it is bright at bedtime and we are trying to get him not to talk himself to sleep)

 

[JustMandy]

I agree with the consistancy that everyone else is saying, but I think you should back it up a step or two. First, talk to you DH about it and make a plan...your plan would probably include a bedtime routine and what to do when he gets up. Then sit down with Ds well before bedtime and tell him, "From now on, we will brush our teeth, go potty, read a story, say our prayer and then it is time to stay in bed. If you do get up, I will tuck you back in but I will not stay with you. If you cry I will not be back in. Your only choice is to sleep." (Of course you would have your own plan...that's just an example) It will probably take a greuling and exhausting week but you should have a sleeping boy most nights after that.

I know it's easier said than done. Also, does he still take a nap? It may be time to switch to "quiet time" if so. My DD is 4 and has to play quietly in her room while her brother sleeps, if she falls asleep...I know it will be a rough night!

 

[markbelieves]

My son, who is now ten, did the same thing around that age. Actually it was around that age that he stopped. I remember sleeping on the floor of his room and then slowly slipping out when I thought he was asleep. Sometimes I would be about to close his door and his head would pop up. Back to the floor.

Anyway, we pretty much did the same thing eventually. We drew the line, had a couple of rough nights and now it is all just a distant memory. Hopefully your situation will follow suit.

God Bless

Mark

 

[bliz]

We never had such a problem becasue our kids were already in bed wiht us. We used a family bed; co-sleeping is a polular term these days.

We added additional beds to ours - at one point we ended up with a bedroom - there was nothing elese in the room but one big bed. We believed that most childlren have a need to be with their parents in the night. Having them close to you - in a bed shoved besides yours or in the same bed - meets that need for closeness. It is not giving in and letting the kid get away with something, it is meeting the child's needs. They get more sleep. You get more sleep. Everyone wakes up much happier.

Historically, seperate bedrooms for every person is a very new concept made possible only through having lots of money to afford a lot of household help to tend to fires in every room, or the advent of central heating. Far more cultures in the world share beds than sleep in seperate beds.

Perhaps in your case, your son should sleep on Dad's side of the bed. A little father/son bonding in the night can go a long way, and it will give you a badly needed break. Maybe Dad should take over bedtime duty... It doesn't see fair that you have both bedtinme and middle of the night duty.

And it's Biblical too! Luke 11:7 "The door is already locked and my children are in bed with me."

 

[EmSchmem]

One verse. does not biblical make. It's not a biblical issue it's a CHOICE.

 

[Bon]

Spank the boy. I didn't hear you say you tried that. We use a wooden spoon. He cannot be allowed to act like that.

We do smack, but not a lot. I have tried it in the night, and it just gets everybody more upset, and raises the tension of the moment even higher.

I dont think it is a good idea to smack in the middle of the night because it is only done out of shear frustration on the parents part and that is not effective parenting IMO, and in my experiences.

But you are right, he cannot be allowed to act like he does.

Shalom from Bon

 

[bliz]

One verse. does not biblical make. It's not a biblical issue it's a CHOICE.

You are quite right. I forget to go back and add the smiley face I had intended to put there!

 

[Bon]

Thank you all for your advice, tips and stories.

Again, I feel better knowing that I am not the only one going through this.

It has helped me to realise that it is normal child behaviour.....when they push their boundries in order to eventually discover their limitations through the disciplinary actions of the parents. (what ever they may be.)

Consistency is the key word isn't it?

Well he didn't wake in the middle of the night last night, but he did wake at 5:15am, and I went in and we all went back to sleep till 7:00am.

When he went to bed last night I told him that if he woke in the middle of the night that I would take away his favourite toy of the moment until he didn't wake up in the middle of the night again. (a fluke?) who knows! Time will tell.

Thanks to everybody for your time and concern.

Shalom from Bon