What's a good way to subtly compel my stepdaughter to stay out of our room?

[Gnarwhal]

My wife had twins when I met her in 2020, those twins are now 18. Her son lives with his grandparents in NY but her daughter lives with us in CA. One thing I picked up on early on is the lack of boundaries between them. Since the age gap is so narrow between her and her kids, their dynamic has been different than most parents. The main thing is the kids have always been allowed in her room and her bed, probably sleeping in her bed 60% of the time. I've currently been sleeping in another room because some weigh gain on my part has led to severe sleep apnea (diagnosed) that keeps my wife awake at night, and since I'm the sole provider for the family we agreed she would be the one to handle the baby (10mos) overnight so I can sleep and be as fresh as possible for my jobs.

Now that's the backstory, the issue is that it seems like my not sleeping in our bedroom has possibly implied that it's not "my" room as well. I don't know if that's the deciding factor, but at any rate my stepdaughter continues to nap in our bed, or she'll just hang out in our bedroom with her headphones on and her laptop, and she'll shower in our bathroom (when she has the hall bathroom essentially to herself). She's complained about the hot water in the hall shower but I checked and don't see any problems.

So my question is, what are some subtle ways to compel my stepdaughter to stop using our space? If I handle it directly my wife may get offended, she's really sensitive how I treat the twins and anything short of glowing praise, compliments or encouragement she interprets as dislike for them so I feel like I have no ability to correct, discipline, or establish my own boundaries. The main issue being the bedroom. My boundaries are clearly different than my wife's, she obviously doesn't care but I was raised that my parents room was a private space and my sister and I weren't allowed in there without permission. I respect and agree with that, I think parents should have a space that's just theirs. I should note that the situation may be further complicated by the fact that my wife co-sleeps with our 10mo old son, and all of his baby furniture is in there.

I need to handle it delicately, and preferably in a subtle inconspicuous manner that doesn't offend my wife or make my "easily spooked" stepdaughter uncomfortable.

 

[TPop]

My wife had twins when I met her in 2020, those twins are now 18. Her son lives with his grandparents in NY but her daughter lives with us in CA. One thing I picked up on early on is the lack of boundaries between them. Since the age gap is so narrow between her and her kids, their dynamic has been different than most parents. The main thing is the kids have always been allowed in her room and her bed, probably sleeping in her bed 60% of the time. I've currently been sleeping in another room because some weigh gain on my part has led to severe sleep apnea (diagnosed) that keeps my wife awake at night, and since I'm the sole provider for the family we agreed she would be the one to handle the baby (10mos) overnight so I can sleep and be as fresh as possible for my jobs.

Now that's the backstory, the issue is that it seems like my not sleeping in our bedroom has possibly implied that it's not "my" room as well. I don't know if that's the deciding factor, but at any rate my stepdaughter continues to nap in our bed, or she'll just hang out in our bedroom with her headphones on and her laptop, and she'll shower in our bathroom (when she has the hall bathroom essentially to herself). She's complained about the hot water in the hall shower but I checked and don't see any problems.

So my question is, what are some subtle ways to compel my stepdaughter to stop using our space? If I handle it directly my wife may get offended, she's really sensitive how I treat the twins and anything short of glowing praise, compliments or encouragement she interprets as dislike for them so I feel like I have no ability to correct, discipline, or establish my own boundaries. The main issue being the bedroom. My boundaries are clearly different than my wife's, she obviously doesn't care but I was raised that my parents room was a private space and my sister and I weren't allowed in there without permission. I respect and agree with that, I think parents should have a space that's just theirs. I should note that the situation may be further complicated by the fact that my wife co-sleeps with our 10mo old son, and all of his baby furniture is in there.

I need to handle it delicately, and preferably in a subtle inconspicuous manner that doesn't offend my wife or make my "easily spooked" stepdaughter uncomfortable.

Hello my friend!

Some of these things are discussions one has prior to getting married, before having children. Some of these things you will have to decide between how much longer vs the fallout.

It may not be so easy with the Bonus daughter depending upon her age. She may be around for years. But you could have a discussion with her on how much you love her, how much this has nothing to do with your and her relationship, but more to do with you are your wife's relationship. Remember, children of divorce are left with one parent who appears to not love them much. She may have a father like that. Don't be more of that.

Come to an agreement with her. Figure it out. Tell her why. Think about why and tell her. Get her to buy into it. Demonstrate why to her. And not just rules based. But appropriate and inappropriate based.

But go through your wife first. Because you have an infant and this is going to happen again. Figure it out with the infant first. Then give your daughter a timeline.

I did not hang out in my parent's room either. It was not a place to hang out.

 

[rebornfree]

Could you have a door open/closed rule, so that nobody goes into anyone else's bedroom if the door is closed, without knocking first and waiting to be told to come in, but if the door is wide open it's ok to just walk in?

 

[TPop]

Could you have a door open/closed rule, so that nobody goes into anyone else's bedroom if the door is closed, without knocking first and waiting to be told to come in, but if the door is wide open it's ok to just walk in?

I would be careful with that. Parents close doors as they wish.
Children do not sit in bedrooms with doors closed IMHO. Not with others there, computers, cell phones, etc.

Closed doors mean someone needs privacy or quiet. Kids for 90% of their day do not need privacy. Maybe quiet for studying. But not just as a concept. If the house is quiet, doors are open.

My kid is 26 and living at home. The other just moved out at 22. Neither had their doors closed as a matter of standard setting.

Peace and Blessings

 

[rebornfree]

I would be careful with that. Parents close doors as they wish.
Children do not sit in bedrooms with doors closed IMHO. Not with others there, computers, cell phones, etc.

Closed doors mean someone needs privacy or quiet. Kids for 90% of their day do not need privacy. Maybe quiet for studying. But not just as a concept. If the house is quiet, doors are open.

My kid is 26 and living at home. The other just moved out at 22. Neither had their doors closed as a matter of standard setting.

Peace and Blessings

Fair point. I was just thinking of how his wife let her children walk in her room which is inappropriate now that she is married. Perhaps always knock and wait is best.