So I’ve always been an outside-of-the-box dresser. Not anything provocative, just different. When I met my first husband, my uniform was jeans and a polo with sneakers, long dresses with a front slit or a back slit or two side skits, and either a plain V or scoop neck tee shirt with tank top underneath (you know, the plain Jane Walmart shirts), or the racerback tanks with Disney something on it... And sneakers (yes, even with dresses). When I worked at a police department that had a set uniform, I’d wear crazy (generally mismatching) socks.
My first husband was extremely conservative and hated how I dressed. Jeans and polos were out (too many) and the shirts were too (too form fitting) as were the dresses (too form fitting) and the sneakers (too manly). Any critique with my look was either “you look nice” or a list of complaints which could have been anything from my tacky earrings to my too many rings to my jeans looking sloppy... And I’d always accommodate the complaint because I wanted his approval.
A couple years of this was fine. But by year 5? Let me tell you, it. Was. Exhausting. It was depressing. It was resentment building. It felt like an impossible standard that I couldn’t meet.
After I lost 80ish pounds of weight I put on thanks to an illness and fertility treatments, I went shopping for a whole new wardrobe and found the style I am still at now (either flowy dresses and tops and other BoHo chic style pieces, or Disneybouding-style 50’s style vintage, or basically anything from Express).
Man did my husband hate it, lol. He wasn’t into the hippie look, the kiddie look, or the edgy look. He was flat out embarrassed to be seen with me, even though what I was totally normal. The thing was, after losing the weight, I was more comfortable with who I was and I didn’t require the validation of somebody else to feel good. Of course I didn’t want to embarrass him, but really, I was wearing clothes in a style not typical to our area, but I didn’t look inappropriate.
The problem with my outfits wasn’t me, it was him and his insecurity projected onto me. That’s something he needed to work on with my help, not something for me to solve. The response to that (feeling insecure), was my problem... That was for me to fix. Once I addressed that, things were so much better for me in my skin.
Ultimately, we got divorced (for other reasons) and I remarried to a guy who, very genuinely, thinks I look beautiful in everything. Even when I was in a hospital gown after almost getting my intestines removed, he said with total sincerity “you look tired, but you look so beautiful right now.” When I blew him off, he said “whatever, you went through a lot, I saw how strong you are in a new way, and it looks beautiful. Plus you’re not wearing a bra and I can see your butt through your pants. You look hot.”
You live in a society where you can wear what you want. Let me tell you, finding the person who understands that and is genuinely into that means you’ve lessened your relationship struggle points. Less struggle points is always very good in a relationship you’re looking to be in forever.
