Over five years ago I published an article in the local paper. In that article I wrote about how life is like what Forrest Gump said
a box of chocolates
I mentioned several stages, or events in life that represented a piece of chocolate, and how when my life is complete I will have my own unique box of chocolates.
As a quick summary, those chocolates mentioned were, my birth defect, Neurofibramatosis, the ten years of speech therapy I endured, my migraine headaches, and my family. With exception to my family, negative events in my life, but with positive outcomes and lessons from each piece of chocolate.
Five years have past, and in that time I have accumulated more chocolate to add to my every growing box.
The first piece started about a few months before my first article was published, and is something I still suffer from, along with 17.5 million Americans, depression. It didnt get serious, however, until the latter half of 1997 and into 1998.
My sister and I moved up to College Station to help open up the restaurant up there. Something I was looking forward to, for I thought it would be an excellent opportunity to meet some much needed friends. Though the restaurant employed many people my age, I still found that my best friend was my boss, my roommate, and my sister, and honestly, something I wasnt wanting, and didnt truly realize until I started writing this article. My depression, at the time, came and went when it wanted to. But, in the beginning of 1998 the walls came caving in. My sister did move to Brenham to help run the original restaurant, and my dad came up to College Station to focus on helping the struggling restaurant. Renting an apartment where he and my mom stayed mainly on the weekend, I moved in with them. Spending many nights by myself, I was very lonely. There were many nights where I just cried myself to sleep, and other nights where I wish I could of crawled into a cave and die. One night it came to a scary point, I came into work and something so trivial, made me blow. Frustrated, angered, and hurting inside, I found a dull (thank goodness) bic-razor, and tried slitting my wrist. I did so, not with the intension to kill myself, or seriously injure myself, but to take some of the emotional pain I was dealing with away. Thankfully nothing happened, and I still worked that night. But, afterwards I couldnt believe what I have done, I was shocked, and for over a year I had the marks to show of my act. There were many times that I did think about suicide, not that I would ever take my life, for I know the pain it would cause my family, but just to think about the what ifs Later I did find out that my parents were afraid that I would commit suicide, but they did encourage me to see a counselor, and so I did. Testing showed that I was suffering from Clinical Depression, and had a local doctor put me on Prozac. Though I never told my counselor this, but she did a lot for me, she was someone I felt comfortable talking to, which was something I longed for. In May things changed, though only temporally, for the better. It was at that time that, at the age of 20, had my first girlfriend. Though I look back and said that it was a big mistake, it did at time make me a happy person. That relationship lasted but a few months, and by the time it was over in late August I was on the verge of moving once again. With a broken heart and the restaurant on the verge of closing its doors, I moved in with my sister to work again at the original restaurant. Now days my depression comes and goes when it wants, I have my ups and downs, thankfully, its more ups than downs. And on February 9, 1999 a suggestion was made to me that would impact my life greatly. Why does one suffer from depression? Why do I suffer from depression, especially when I have so much to be grateful for? Upon looking for this answer, I came up with two reasons. I have never really had a best friend, which is something I have longed to have for a long time. Being lonely, and without the friendships I desired to have, I started wondering if something was wrong with me. So, for attention, I started to verbally abuse myself, saying things I know deep down werent true. The attention did come, but with a cost, my self-esteem plummeted. I started to believe what I was telling myself, and soon it became a habit. The second reason is more complex, the late Christian music artist, Rich Mullins sung, Everybody I know says they need just one thing, what they really mean is that they need one thing more One thing I have desired for a while now is a relationship, but then I start to think about this, and come to the conclusion that if I do in fact have a relationship I will be happy for awhile, but soon I will be back in the same spot as I was prior to the relationship. That is unless I first rebuild my relationship with Jesus Christ. In the 20th verse of the third chapter in Revelation Jesus says, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me. In previous years I was eating with Jesus, but soon the desire of the flesh grabbed a hold of me and I pushed Jesus aside. Though He still works in my life, I havent allowed Him to shine through me like I know He can. But are these valid excuses? I mean, yes, I have a wonderful life, a job, a loving family and I am working on an education. So many times in life I know the answers to what I have to do; however, I do not take them because it requires me to take a step outside my little comfort zone I have created for myself. I become accustomed to making quick stabs at my own self-esteem, to feeling down, to throwing myself a pity party that I sometimes I enjoy what I am accustomed to.
Depressed, unhappy with what life has offered me, and desperate for a change in my life I walked into the gates of Camp For All one February morning in 1999. Camp For All (CFA) is a camp that is designed for people with chronic illnesses or physical disabilities, and though it was designed at first to be primarily open during the summer months, it is now open year round. I first found out about CFA a few years back by one of the founders, my neurologist, told my mom and I about it. I thought the concept was neat, and real briefly thought about working there, but the thought passed by. I really didnt know what to think as my parents and I toured the 200 plus acre facility, it wasnt what I expected by any means, but something told me to give it a try. During the interview I was told that there was a two-day program during the week that I could help out with. So at 8:15 the next morning I was volunteering for CFA, working with Brenham State School, a place where people who have MR can have a home to stay at. While at CFA, the 12 residents that come out there partake in many activities they dont get to do else where; fishing, canoeing and horseback riding to name a few. Working with this population is hard, many of them being in a wheelchair, and their MR so severe they cannot talk, the communication is one-sided. One month later I was told my work ethic was excellent, and that they would like to pay me. March came and I worked my first weekend camp, a family camp for families who have a member with cancer. What an awesome experience, so overwhelming that on my way home I broke down in tears. As the summer approached I couldnt wait for the opportunity that lied ahead.
It took me a few weeks to get accustomed to the camp life. At first I wondered why I joined the staff there, if I made the right decision. I mean a shy, non-outgoing depressed guy has no place working with children, especially those with special needs, right? The two weeks of orientation and the two weekend camps the camp holds before the summer kicks into high gear came and went, and the first full week is one of the camps biggest, Camp MDA. Over 100 campers, plus over a hundred volunteer staff jam packed the camp facility. During that week I caught a glimpse at how wonderful working there could be...To be continued
As a quick summary, those chocolates mentioned were, my birth defect, Neurofibramatosis, the ten years of speech therapy I endured, my migraine headaches, and my family. With exception to my family, negative events in my life, but with positive outcomes and lessons from each piece of chocolate.
Five years have past, and in that time I have accumulated more chocolate to add to my every growing box.
The first piece started about a few months before my first article was published, and is something I still suffer from, along with 17.5 million Americans, depression. It didnt get serious, however, until the latter half of 1997 and into 1998.
My sister and I moved up to College Station to help open up the restaurant up there. Something I was looking forward to, for I thought it would be an excellent opportunity to meet some much needed friends. Though the restaurant employed many people my age, I still found that my best friend was my boss, my roommate, and my sister, and honestly, something I wasnt wanting, and didnt truly realize until I started writing this article. My depression, at the time, came and went when it wanted to. But, in the beginning of 1998 the walls came caving in. My sister did move to Brenham to help run the original restaurant, and my dad came up to College Station to focus on helping the struggling restaurant. Renting an apartment where he and my mom stayed mainly on the weekend, I moved in with them. Spending many nights by myself, I was very lonely. There were many nights where I just cried myself to sleep, and other nights where I wish I could of crawled into a cave and die. One night it came to a scary point, I came into work and something so trivial, made me blow. Frustrated, angered, and hurting inside, I found a dull (thank goodness) bic-razor, and tried slitting my wrist. I did so, not with the intension to kill myself, or seriously injure myself, but to take some of the emotional pain I was dealing with away. Thankfully nothing happened, and I still worked that night. But, afterwards I couldnt believe what I have done, I was shocked, and for over a year I had the marks to show of my act. There were many times that I did think about suicide, not that I would ever take my life, for I know the pain it would cause my family, but just to think about the what ifs Later I did find out that my parents were afraid that I would commit suicide, but they did encourage me to see a counselor, and so I did. Testing showed that I was suffering from Clinical Depression, and had a local doctor put me on Prozac. Though I never told my counselor this, but she did a lot for me, she was someone I felt comfortable talking to, which was something I longed for. In May things changed, though only temporally, for the better. It was at that time that, at the age of 20, had my first girlfriend. Though I look back and said that it was a big mistake, it did at time make me a happy person. That relationship lasted but a few months, and by the time it was over in late August I was on the verge of moving once again. With a broken heart and the restaurant on the verge of closing its doors, I moved in with my sister to work again at the original restaurant. Now days my depression comes and goes when it wants, I have my ups and downs, thankfully, its more ups than downs. And on February 9, 1999 a suggestion was made to me that would impact my life greatly. Why does one suffer from depression? Why do I suffer from depression, especially when I have so much to be grateful for? Upon looking for this answer, I came up with two reasons. I have never really had a best friend, which is something I have longed to have for a long time. Being lonely, and without the friendships I desired to have, I started wondering if something was wrong with me. So, for attention, I started to verbally abuse myself, saying things I know deep down werent true. The attention did come, but with a cost, my self-esteem plummeted. I started to believe what I was telling myself, and soon it became a habit. The second reason is more complex, the late Christian music artist, Rich Mullins sung, Everybody I know says they need just one thing, what they really mean is that they need one thing more One thing I have desired for a while now is a relationship, but then I start to think about this, and come to the conclusion that if I do in fact have a relationship I will be happy for awhile, but soon I will be back in the same spot as I was prior to the relationship. That is unless I first rebuild my relationship with Jesus Christ. In the 20th verse of the third chapter in Revelation Jesus says, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me. In previous years I was eating with Jesus, but soon the desire of the flesh grabbed a hold of me and I pushed Jesus aside. Though He still works in my life, I havent allowed Him to shine through me like I know He can. But are these valid excuses? I mean, yes, I have a wonderful life, a job, a loving family and I am working on an education. So many times in life I know the answers to what I have to do; however, I do not take them because it requires me to take a step outside my little comfort zone I have created for myself. I become accustomed to making quick stabs at my own self-esteem, to feeling down, to throwing myself a pity party that I sometimes I enjoy what I am accustomed to.
Depressed, unhappy with what life has offered me, and desperate for a change in my life I walked into the gates of Camp For All one February morning in 1999. Camp For All (CFA) is a camp that is designed for people with chronic illnesses or physical disabilities, and though it was designed at first to be primarily open during the summer months, it is now open year round. I first found out about CFA a few years back by one of the founders, my neurologist, told my mom and I about it. I thought the concept was neat, and real briefly thought about working there, but the thought passed by. I really didnt know what to think as my parents and I toured the 200 plus acre facility, it wasnt what I expected by any means, but something told me to give it a try. During the interview I was told that there was a two-day program during the week that I could help out with. So at 8:15 the next morning I was volunteering for CFA, working with Brenham State School, a place where people who have MR can have a home to stay at. While at CFA, the 12 residents that come out there partake in many activities they dont get to do else where; fishing, canoeing and horseback riding to name a few. Working with this population is hard, many of them being in a wheelchair, and their MR so severe they cannot talk, the communication is one-sided. One month later I was told my work ethic was excellent, and that they would like to pay me. March came and I worked my first weekend camp, a family camp for families who have a member with cancer. What an awesome experience, so overwhelming that on my way home I broke down in tears. As the summer approached I couldnt wait for the opportunity that lied ahead.
It took me a few weeks to get accustomed to the camp life. At first I wondered why I joined the staff there, if I made the right decision. I mean a shy, non-outgoing depressed guy has no place working with children, especially those with special needs, right? The two weeks of orientation and the two weekend camps the camp holds before the summer kicks into high gear came and went, and the first full week is one of the camps biggest, Camp MDA. Over 100 campers, plus over a hundred volunteer staff jam packed the camp facility. During that week I caught a glimpse at how wonderful working there could be...To be continued
