boundaries.

[Darren Brown]

I am a single man and have a friend that is a single woman. I only see her as a friend, I have told her this ( a couple of times) and don't want to lead her on. She texts me everyday and calls me a couple times a week, we even go out to dinner probably a couple times a month. I don't want to be rude by not responding to her, but I also want her to know the definitions of our relationship. I just don't know if the amount of time we are spending together is healthy for us just being friends.

Thanks

 

[maintenance man]

I don't want to be rude by not responding to her, but I also want her to know the definitions of our relationship. I just don't know if the amount of time we are spending together is healthy for us just being friends.

I understand your problem. Of course there is no reason why people of the opposite sex cannot be close friends and spend lots of time together - as long as both understand the nature of the relationship.

It sounds like you believe your friend is expecting more to develop over time?

If you enjoy her company and wish to continue the relationship, you need to tell her that and precisely what the expectations should be. If she is in need of a romantic relationship, you may want to begin helping her find that person.

 

[yeshuaslavejeff]

I am a single man and have a friend that is a single woman. I only see her as a friend, I have told her this ( a couple of times) and don't want to lead her on. She texts me everyday and calls me a couple times a week, we even go out to dinner probably a couple times a month. I don't want to be rude by not responding to her, but I also want her to know the definitions of our relationship. I just don't know if the amount of time we are spending together is healthy for us just being friends.

Thanks

You are probably right - it is not only not healthy, but gradually wears away even a strong character and gives forth to sin eventually.

 

[Albion]

I don't know that we are capable of giving a firm answer to that problem, but it may well be that she knows what you think, but still enjoys your company. It's not unheard of.

Is there some reason you would want to end it, other than for not wanting to lead her on (which I do not think, for a number of reasons, is worth worrying about)?

 

[Darren Brown]

Is there some reason you would want to end it, other than for not wanting to lead her on (which I do not think, for a number of reasons, is worth worrying about)?

I guess one thing I am worried about is one day I'm going to get into a serious relationship and when this happens all of the texting/calling and meeting together is going to stop unless my girlfriend is involved. I know that I am one of her best friends and I know that it will be very hard for her.

 

[bèlla]

She texts me everyday and calls me a couple times a week, we even go out to dinner probably a couple times a month. I don't want to be rude by not responding to her, but I also want her to know the definitions of our relationship. I just don't know if the amount of time we are spending together is healthy for us just being friends.

The qualifier in your statement is "she." She initiates the text messages and calls. I have never communicated with a man on a daily basis without a clear understanding of our connection unless he hid his intentions. It has happened in the past under the guise of friendship. I learned a valuable lesson.

I honestly feel she has too much access for someone you desire as a friend. Your level of communication is frequent for two people who haven't clarified their connection. And the longer it continues the murkier things will become if she harbors a wish for more. You need to add some breathing room to the relationship. It's too intimate.

If you intend to set some boundaries do consider giving her space. Emphasizing your position while allowing things to remain as they are will only work if she's not interested. Otherwise, it's more of the same and may give her false hope.

For what it's worth, outside of pals (and that's clearly established), I don't know many women who'd do the same without an angle. I wouldn't and I'd know where I stood before things reached that point. Good luck.

 

[Darren Brown]

thanks so much labella very nice hearing from a woman's perspective

 

[bèlla]

I guess one thing I am worried about is one day I'm going to get into a serious relationship and when this happens all of the texting/calling and meeting together is going to stop unless my girlfriend is involved. I know that I am one of her best friends and I know that it will be very hard for her.

This appears to contradict your original statement. Why would you have concern for her "knowing the definition of your relationship" if she considers you a friend?

 

[bèlla]

thanks so much labella very nice hearing from a woman's perspective

You're welcome.

 

[Albion]

I guess one thing I am worried about is one day I'm going to get into a serious relationship and when this happens all of the texting/calling and meeting together is going to stop unless my girlfriend is involved. I know that I am one of her best friends and I know that it will be very hard for her.

I cannot imagine why it would be easier on her to have you to cut her out now when there is no reason as obvious as when a real love interest enters your life at some point in the future.

That's how I see it, but, as always, I could be wrong. My best wishes go to you for finding a solution to this puzzle. I know it's a tough one and that you are trying to do the right thing by everyone.

 

[Andrew77]

I am a single man and have a friend that is a single woman. I only see her as a friend, I have told her this ( a couple of times) and don't want to lead her on. She texts me everyday and calls me a couple times a week, we even go out to dinner probably a couple times a month. I don't want to be rude by not responding to her, but I also want her to know the definitions of our relationship. I just don't know if the amount of time we are spending together is healthy for us just being friends.

Thanks

I see where you are coming from. Um....

I still don't really see a big problem here. I personally had an extremely similar relationship with a wonderful little woman friend... and I loved it, and I can only hope that she enjoyed our friendship too.

In the end she got married, and moved to Seattle. We didn't have some grand falling out, or some huge crash or anything.

When it was time, I gave her a big bear hug, and wished G-d blessing on her, and bid her farewell.
(Nadia Jama! If you are out there girl, I love you darling!)

So I don't know man. Life is messy sometimes, and other times we overthink everything, and worry about stuff that will never happen.

Again, you know more about this woman friend of yours, than I do. Maybe you are dead on right, and you need to gently start putting some distance between you.

I personally would have a hard time putting the brakes on something, without real cause. I have had some women that I was explicitly not interested in (for various reasons), and they were clearly pursuing me. And I most definitely put the brakes on.

Obviously I can't know what this woman's intention is with you. But if she just needs a G-d fearing friend in her life, and that's all she wants.... I'd have hard time breaking that off.

Honestly... we live in one of the most isolated screwed up cultures in the world. Lot of people... just want to know someone out there gives a crap about them.

Maybe your future wife will want you to greatly reduce contact. Ok then. I would abide by my wife's wishes. But for now, I just have a hard time break something apart without a cause.

Read the other posts on here, all of them have equally valid views as far as I can tell. This is just how I see it.... but I've been wrong before, and maybe I'm wrong now.

 

[ChicanaRose]

I guess one thing I am worried about is one day I'm going to get into a serious relationship and when this happens all of the texting/calling and meeting together is going to stop unless my girlfriend is involved. I know that I am one of her best friends and I know that it will be very hard for her.

That makes perfect sense. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to save yourself emotionally for the person whom God has prepared for you. She can only expect so much from you as a friend. Maybe your dilemma is that you want the transition to be gradual and gentle, rather than sudden. Maybe you should also gradually reduce the frequency of dinner together, so that your message is consistent.

 

[Joined2krist]

I don't think you should be spending so much time together. Sometimes, don't go on those dates, tell her you're busy. When she texts you, simply give short responses.