Bisexual deep in sin...Need help!

[boundtofall]

No one in my family or friends or church know this about myself...

So, before I gave my life to Christ, I used to have sex with both males/females. Being male myself, I always felt remorse after being with a male but that quickly changed after a few days of non-sex.

I am currently married to a wonderful woman who I adore but unfortunately not attracted to her. I never was really but I decided to marry her for one reason. She was/is an awesome person, caring, loving, honest and when i met her, she was going through a very rough time. She had been betrayed by her ex-husband or should i say cheated on. She divorced him and was very lonely and seemed very depressed. Her family was not there for her either. Although there was no attraction, I thought that might come later. We had a lot in common and seemed to get along soo...good! So we married and a few years down the road, i gave my life to Christ. i completely erased that part of my life of bisexuality and began living for Christ. Until a few years later when i couldn't hold thr urge any longer and decided to try one LAST time. I did and obviously gave in to temptations and been doing it ever since (7 years now). My story goes as far back as young as when i was 4-5 yo. I was molested by other boys my age in different circumstances until i began to like doing what i was taught! I have a lot of info I'd like to share but would like to hear some thoughts. Thank you!

 

[quitespirit]

What is your question? What should you do? You should stop cheating on your wife. You should find a Christian pastor/counselor or the like and get help.

I doubt we need any more of the information you wish to share, for what purpose? You are a Christian, you do not have to live like this. You made a vow. You beg her forgiveness. If your wife will forgive your betrayal, you continue to be a married man but as one who is not adulterous. You redeem the wrong you've done to your wife. You love her as Christ loves the church, whom he laid his life down for. You also get screened for any STD's you could be endangering your wife with.

 

[Life2Christ]

I think you need to come clean to your wife. This is not fair to her. If this marriage ends in divorce then she needs to decide her own life and her own future. You are robbing her of her future. Are you having unprotected sex?

Do you desire to fix this? Or are you so confused that you cannot see a way out? How long have you prayed about this?

 

[motherprayer]

Love is a choice, not an attraction.

 

[Inkachu]

What Mother said up there ^^ is spot on. Love is a choice, a commitment, a selfless act, where YOU learn to take the back seat and serve your spouse the best you can. You don't stay married because your spouse gives you the tingles, you stay because you promised to love that person and ONLY that person until one of you is dead. It doesn't matter if your attraction levels go up and down; that's your spouse, that's your sexual outlet, that's the object of your devotion, period.

You need to confess to your wife (if you haven't already), beg her forgiveness, and get into serious counseling ASAP. You acknowledge that your actions are wrong, and that you weren't "born this way" but it resulted from abuse you suffered as a child. It's time to face your past head-on and deal with it like a man. Your family deserves that.

And get a complete STD screening immediately.

 

[Urbanredneck]

I agree you need to confess this to your wife and then move on.

Look, bisexual urges are common, especially during our teen years when we are going thru lots of changes. But we must mature and move on past those things.

Most likely your wife would admit to doing some sinful things too in her past. We all have things in our closets. The important thing is to put them behind us and move on. Sure they might have felt good. BUT, they were sinful and wrong.

 

[BFine]

You ask for thoughts, here are mine--

You say you adore your wife but your type of "adore" doesn't
reflect what is revealed in the dictionary...
Adore means: to regard with the utmost esteem, love, respect; honor.

I find none of that in your OP towards the woman you asked to be your
wife, with whom you vowed to forsake ALL others and cleave unto her.

 

[turkle]

In addition, though she is a wonderful woman according to your description, and you married her when she was depressed about her ex cheating on her, you proceeded to cheat on her too.

There is no confusion here. You need to do the right thing. Now, will you?

 

[abacabb]

No one in my family or friends or church know this about myself...

So, before I gave my life to Christ, I used to have sex with both males/females. Being male myself, I always felt remorse after being with a male but that quickly changed after a few days of non-sex.

I am currently married to a wonderful woman who I adore but unfortunately not attracted to her. I never was really but I decided to marry her for one reason. She was/is an awesome person, caring, loving, honest and when i met her, she was going through a very rough time. She had been betrayed by her ex-husband or should i say cheated on. She divorced him and was very lonely and seemed very depressed. Her family was not there for her either. Although there was no attraction, I thought that might come later. We had a lot in common and seemed to get along soo...good! So we married and a few years down the road, i gave my life to Christ. i completely erased that part of my life of bisexuality and began living for Christ. Until a few years later when i couldn't hold thr urge any longer and decided to try one LAST time. I did and obviously gave in to temptations and been doing it ever since (7 years now). My story goes as far back as young as when i was 4-5 yo. I was molested by other boys my age in different circumstances until i began to like doing what i was taught! I have a lot of info I'd like to share but would like to hear some thoughts. Thank you!

I'm really sorry that other people screwed up your life, but don't screw up your wife's. If you are actually sorry, you'll tell her the truth that you're gay, tell her you don't expect her forgiveness nor deserve it, and let her decide what to do. That way, you can stand before God and know you actually repented.

 

[asiyreh]

Have you ever thought the reason you're not attracted to your wife might be the fact you're expending your sexual energies in places you shouldn't be expending your sexual energies.

I hope you don't shout too loudly that you're a Christian. What's going to happen when your dirty laundry is put out for all to see.

You're supposed to act in the role of Christ in your household. This is a little off course to say the least my friend. If I was still a catholic I probably try and sprinkle you with holy water.

Is your wife a strong Christian woman, you probably damage her strength in her faith with this one.

Is there any way you can confront the people who did these things to you as a child. I think you need to forgive them. Good luck sounds like you'll need it.

 

[manitouscott]

You are a christian and you cheat on your wife, destroy her trust and come to an internet forum to ask for.....what.....?

If you are not a troll, you need to repent, go to God and confess and repent, stop the betrayals.

Go to your wife, tell her what has happened and be there for her during the pain and anger that will come when she finds out.

Stop using your "I'm not in love" excuse to sin against God and your marriage.

Really. It makes my stomach hurt to think about having such things done to me in my marriage.

 

[trulyconverted]

If you are trolling or not - I am not certain. But either way. My honest thought is... you might need to ask God to save you from everything, especially from yourself.

 

[PaladinValer]

No one in my family or friends or church know this about myself...

...well, then sharing it here might not be a good idea, but since the cat is out of the bag already...

So, before I gave my life to Christ, I used to have sex with both males/females. Being male myself, I always felt remorse after being with a male but that quickly changed after a few days of non-sex.

You have have a sexual addition. Speaking to a licensed psychologist is something I would highly recommend.

I am currently married to a wonderful woman who I adore but unfortunately not attracted to her. I never was really but I decided to marry her for one reason. She was/is an awesome person, caring, loving, honest and when i met her, she was going through a very rough time. She had been betrayed by her ex-husband or should i say cheated on. She divorced him and was very lonely and seemed very depressed. Her family was not there for her either. Although there was no attraction, I thought that might come later. We had a lot in common and seemed to get along soo...good! So we married and a few years down the road, i gave my life to Christ. i completely erased that part of my life of bisexuality and began living for Christ. Until a few years later when i couldn't hold thr urge any longer and decided to try one LAST time. I did and obviously gave in to temptations and been doing it ever since (7 years now).

Where to begin...

1. Being bisexual in and of itself is not a sin. Sexual attraction is, except for asexuals, a nature part of being human. While attraction to people of the same sex is definitely in the minority, there is, despite the lies of groups like NARTH, overwhelming evidence in the actual professional fields that sexual orientation is fixed and natural. HOWEVER, choosing to practice one's sexual orientation is an entirely different story, and Christianity has historically had a negative view of same-sex carnal relations.
2. With all due respect, you should have never married this woman out of the simple fact that you had no true feelings for her. Marriage, historically in Christianity, is considered a sacrament and is between a man and a woman who have vowed to live together in a way that mirrors Christ and the Holy Church. If you truly couldn't live up to the vows you made, you should have never made them.

My story goes as far back as young as when i was 4-5 yo. I was molested by other boys my age in different circumstances until i began to like doing what i was taught! I have a lot of info I'd like to share but would like to hear some thoughts. Thank you!

Four things:

1. You need to be honest with your current wife; you owe her that and you owe it to yourself as well. Your relationship is likely over, but honestly, it really should have never gotten to the level it did it sounds like. I'm not attempting to sound harsh, but you made a very poor choice and you need to correct it...for both your sakes'. If she wants a divorce, cooperate fully.
2. You need to visit a licensed psychologist or psychiatrist and talk about what seems to be a sexual addiction, because this problem will not solve itself without professional guidance.
3. Depending on where you currently go to worship, be honest with your pastor. If your denomination or local church teaches that sexual orientation=sexual behavior, then I would advise to leave, because you'll likely be excommunicated in some form or another anyway and such beliefs are not part of historic Christian belief anyway. I would recommend finding a local pastor or priest from a "big name" church or denomination and talk with him or her. You need to get spiritual help as well as psychological help, and you need to get it from the right people.
4. Forgiveness is going to come with honesty. If you let this fester, it will become worse for not just yourself but also for your current wife. I strongly urge you to learn from this experience the importance of self-honesty. Believe me when I say I speak from experience: when you live a life of honesty with yourself, you will live a far, FAR freer life.

The road you will be traveling is going to be wrought with pain and difficulty, but if you go forward in living faith in God, He will be with you the whole way and absolve your past mistakes. There is hope, and you need to hold onto that hope; there is a future and you need to hold onto that as well...forgiveness too. My prayers are with you.

 

[TheyCallMeDave]

No one in my family or friends or church know this about myself...

So, before I gave my life to Christ, I used to have sex with both males/females. Being male myself, I always felt remorse after being with a male but that quickly changed after a few days of non-sex.

I am currently married to a wonderful woman who I adore but unfortunately not attracted to her. I never was really but I decided to marry her for one reason. She was/is an awesome person, caring, loving, honest and when i met her, she was going through a very rough time. She had been betrayed by her ex-husband or should i say cheated on. She divorced him and was very lonely and seemed very depressed. Her family was not there for her either. Although there was no attraction, I thought that might come later. We had a lot in common and seemed to get along soo...good! So we married and a few years down the road, i gave my life to Christ. i completely erased that part of my life of bisexuality and began living for Christ. Until a few years later when i couldn't hold thr urge any longer and decided to try one LAST time. I did and obviously gave in to temptations and been doing it ever since (7 years now). My story goes as far back as young as when i was 4-5 yo. I was molested by other boys my age in different circumstances until i began to like doing what i was taught! I have a lot of info I'd like to share but would like to hear some thoughts. Thank you!

I assume your wife doesnt know about this (?)

There is only one answer to your dilemna : You are powerless to help yourself and need to get into professional Counselling with your Pastor or something like Celebrate Recovery and work thru their program to victory. It will take much prayer, much submission on your part, a renewal of your marriage and how you view your wife, and recieving strenght from the Lord not to relapse. It will require your total commitment and obedience .

Im afraid that if you dont change now , you will (if you havent already) acquire an STD which youll bring back to your marriage bed , then your wife will suffer the consequences of your impropriaties .

So, start things off by humbly apologizing to God for this sin and immediately get into a formal program to overcome this and at a minimum...with your Pastor whom you can completely confide in.

In closing, it is only right for me to remind you of the eternal consequences of you dont repent , so i lovingly leave you with the following : http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Corinthians+6%3A9-12&version=NIV . There is so much at stake for you and i hope you will be very committed to turning from this addiction that has ensnared you. Regards.

 

[boundtofall]

Thank you so much to all who responded.

Let me be a little clearer on the reason I married my wife. First of, I was not a saved Christian when i did and did not know anything about Christ. What I meant to say by not being in love was that I had no attraction towards her but that I loved her with all my heart i definitely did! I didn't just married her and quickly turned the page to be with a man. it took me a few years to finally give in to those ugly thoughts which I'm not proud of. I understand some of you might be a little upset at the fact I am cheating on my wife but please believe me when i say...I so much wish this wasn't like this! I don't know exactly what you guys refer to a troll but I am a true Christian who is asking for help...perhaps a little late but better late than never. See my problem is I come from a very conservative family, I've always been in sports and fitness and everyone I know considers me a very masculine figure. That is of course except for those men I've been with which are really strangers and not friends or anything.

Another thing I want to mention is that some of you think that I really couldn't love my wife when I did such a betrayal against her. Consider this, you can love the Lord with all your heart and yet you are still a sinner e v e r y d a y of you lives...does that mean you really don't love the Lord?

I would like to confess to my wife but I am terrified not only at how she will take it but at hurting her. Just the thought of it makes me want to cry for her. I am really hurting for her. I would not talk to my pastor about this because he is an extremist conservative who I know will not forgive me and prob would let the congregation know...yes I know I have to look for another church! Just please...please pray for me that God can give me the strenght and the right words to confess to my wife. Also please pray for her to have an open mind and a heart to forgive.

I will try to keep everyone posted. Please bear with me...i am truly a Christian and at one point in my life I loved the Lord so much and was so submitted to the Holy Spirit that nothing would make me fall...now I just feel lonely!

Thank you!

 

[Sketcher]

You married her, be faithful to her. Simple as that.

 

[TheyCallMeDave]

Thank you so much to all who responded.

Let me be a little clearer on the reason I married my wife. First of, I was not a saved Christian when i did and did not know anything about Christ. What I meant to say by not being in love was that I had no attraction towards her but that I loved her with all my heart i definitely did! I didn't just married her and quickly turned the page to be with a man. it took me a few years to finally give in to those ugly thoughts which I'm not proud of. I understand some of you might be a little upset at the fact I am cheating on my wife but please believe me when i say...I so much wish this wasn't like this! I don't know exactly what you guys refer to a troll but I am a true Christian who is asking for help...perhaps a little late but better late than never. See my problem is I come from a very conservative family, I've always been in sports and fitness and everyone I know considers me a very masculine figure. That is of course except for those men I've been with which are really strangers and not friends or anything.

Another thing I want to mention is that some of you think that I really couldn't love my wife when I did such a betrayal against her. Consider this, you can love the Lord with all your heart and yet you are still a sinner e v e r y d a y of you lives...does that mean you really don't love the Lord?

I would like to confess to my wife but I am terrified not only at how she will take it but at hurting her. Just the thought of it makes me want to cry for her. I am really hurting for her. I would not talk to my pastor about this because he is an extremist conservative who I know will not forgive me and prob would let the congregation know...yes I know I have to look for another church! Just please...please pray for me that God can give me the strenght and the right words to confess to my wife. Also please pray for her to have an open mind and a heart to forgive.

I will try to keep everyone posted. Please bear with me...i am truly a Christian and at one point in my life I loved the Lord so much and was so submitted to the Holy Spirit that nothing would make me fall...now I just feel lonely!

Thank you!

I too came to Christ during my first year of marriage , and sadly, my wife never did until a couple years after our divorce was final...but by then, she has remarried.

Ive responded to quite a few situations as youre in regarding adultery ... and Ive concluded after a great deal of consideration that it isnt always necessary to admit the terrible betrayal you did toward your Spouse ; I dont see any scriptural mandate in doing so...but I see a mandate to confess the sin to God , to totally repent of it, and to restore your marriage to everything that it was meant to be in Gods eyes. Adultery isnt the unforgivable sin . I believe its optional as to whether you want to tell your Spouse what occured, but, id first spend alot of time in prayer seeing Gods will in it and if you decide to confess it to her...to do it as gently , as remorseful, and as sensitively as you possibly can. Most of all, you will want to make sure you work thru all the required channels in being completely victorious over this which may require some sound professional Counselling as to how/where it originated from , etc...

Which way are you leaning as of right now in telling her or not telling her ?

 

[abacabb]

I too came to Christ during my first year of marriage , and sadly, my wife never did until a couple years after our divorce was final...but by then, she has remarried.

Ive responded to quite a few situations as youre in regarding adultery ... and Ive concluded after a great deal of consideration that it isnt always necessary to admit the terrible betrayal you did toward your Spouse ; I dont see any scriptural mandate in doing so...but I see a mandate to confess the sin to God , to totally repent of it, and to restore your marriage to everything that it was meant to be in Gods eyes. Adultery isnt the unforgivable sin . I believe its optional as to whether you want to tell your Spouse what occured, but, id first spend alot of time in prayer seeing Gods will in it and if you decide to confess it to her...to do it as gently , as remorseful, and as sensitively as you possibly can. Most of all, you will want to make sure you work thru all the required channels in being completely victorious over this which may require some sound professional Counselling as to how/where it originated from , etc...

Which way are you leaning as of right now in telling her or not telling her ?

The problem is that the gentleman feels incapable of stopping.

What do we do with a child that won't stop misbehaving? We spank him, because the negative feedback sometimes put the mind in the right gear.

Furthermore, how can the gentleman be assured of his own repentance without facing the consequences?

If he only did it once or twice and was really trying to stop now, I can concur with the secret repentence.

However, he has tried that and failed. I think he needs the consequences of the truth getting out.

"Do onto others as you would want done onto you." If your wife was cheating on you, I'm sure you would want to know. So, the same applies to you telling her that you are cheating..especially you might give her a disease.

Repent, or enjoy an eternity of hellfire and absolutely ruining your wife's life. Repent, and deal with the consequences, and if it hurts, take satisfaction that the pain is well deserved and much less than the alternative.

 

[TheyCallMeDave]

The problem is that the gentleman feels incapable of stopping.

What do we do with a child that won't stop misbehaving? We spank him, because the negative feedback sometimes put the mind in the right gear.

Furthermore, how can the gentleman be assured of his own repentance without facing the consequences?

If he only did it once or twice and was really trying to stop now, I can concur with the secret repentence.

However, he has tried that and failed. I think he needs the consequences of the truth getting out.

"Do onto others as you would want done onto you." If your wife was cheating on you, I'm sure you would want to know. So, the same applies to you telling her that you are cheating..especially you might give her a disease.

Repent, or enjoy an eternity of hellfire and absolutely ruining your wife's life. Repent, and deal with the consequences, and if it hurts, take satisfaction that the pain is well deserved and much less than the alternative.

The OP then needs professional counsel in addition to working thru his ongoing desires which will hopefully bring about permanent repentence. It would appear by his great remorse that he is already experiencing the consequences of his wrong choices . The truth of his sin needs to be with the Lord and if the OP feels a requirement for total healing thru confessing it to his wife, then it needs to be done with the very real possibility that she may opt for divorce ; it is something the OP needs to ascertain between himself and Christ as to how to proceed where his wife is c oncerned.

If i were his wife, im not sure that 'I would need' to know of an infidelity occuring ; if i were his wife I would need to find forgiveness in any and all improprities that occured in the marriage without necessarily knowing about each and every one. I believe it is optional for the OP telling his wife or not...but there is no option for him to gain victory over this issue and reach a state of permanent repentence given time and with professional assistance.

Finally, the 'do unto others...' passage is the ideal to follow with regard to acting civily with all people . But it isnt a blanket passage on the necessity to confess a sin to another , especially when confessing would cause great and often unrepairable harm to another. Unless directly asked by his Spouse if he has cheated...I believe he has the option of how he handles that. But he does have the requirement to change his wrongful lifestyle behavior as a minimum.

 

[abacabb]

The OP then needs professional counsel in addition to working thru his ongoing desires which will hopefully bring about permanent repentence. It would appear by his great remorse that he is already experiencing the consequences of his wrong choices . The truth of his sin needs to be with the Lord and if the OP feels a requirement for total healing thru confessing it to his wife, then it needs to be done with the very real possibility that she may opt for divorce ; it is something the OP needs to ascertain between himself and Christ as to how to proceed where his wife is c oncerned.

If i were his wife, im not sure that 'I would need' to know of an infidelity occuring ; if i were his wife I would need to find forgiveness in any and all improprities that occured in the marriage without necessarily knowing about each and every one. I believe it is optional for the OP telling his wife or not...but there is no option for him to gain victory over this issue and reach a state of permanent repentence given time and with professional assistance.

Finally, the 'do unto others...' passage is the ideal to follow with regard to acting civily with all people . But it isnt a blanket passage on the necessity to confess a sin to another , especially when confessing would cause great and often unrepairable harm to another. Unless directly asked by his Spouse if he has cheated...I believe he has the option of how he handles that. But he does have the requirement to change his wrongful lifestyle behavior as a minimum.

So, you would you want your wife not to tell you if she were? Would you rather ask her periodically?

If the answers are yes, I see no hypocrisy in that.