Best creationist theories ever!

[Caphi]

i do not like bananas therefore i could not have evolved from a monkey

Okay, I give up. Poe's Law wins. Parody or no?

 

[random_guy]

For whacky theories you can't beat the one about people evolving from a primordial soup of chemicals, or the universe spontaneously evolving from a big bang.

What I think Micaiah is trying to nominate is Creationists' theories about science. For example, evolution is goo to you, or the BB was the evolution of the universe from an explosion.

While I do think that it's funny, nothing beats the diamond at the center of the Earth, or that 11 of the 12 zodiac creatures exists today, so the last one, the dragon is also real.

Amazing that people actually believe in this stuff.

 

[FSTDT]

Brought to you from the intellectually sterile Fundies Say the Darndest Things!:

"Our sun contains over 99% of the mass contained in the entire universe. That to me is incredible. Why our sun? Why not some other star?... Coincidence? Come on. Not even the most close-minded scientist can genuinely buy into that argument. It's there for a reason, and it's presence isn't random."

drfeelgood, Christian Forums

"Chances are, before Adam and Eve fell into sin, the moon had life on it. As well as the other planets. When the earth is restored, the whole solar system will be restored and once again there will be life of some sort on the moon."

JohnR7, Christian Forums

"When I was reading all these posts, I remembered something I learned of a christian radio program. Sin causes death, it is the reason things decay and die. So couldn't the reason that the earth seems older than it is be from sin?"

ratioann, Theology Web

"If it [earth's magenetic field] repolarizes, as you claim, why don't birds ever migrate NORTH for the winter? Also, magnets of a like polarity REPEL each other, so why don't animals that eat a lot of iron fly off into space? As to the magnetic field, this would pull the moon closer because the Moon has iron in it. Therefore, it's magnetic. The magnetic field 3 billion years ago would destroy ALL life forms, and a repolarization would send EVERYTHING into space."

GodsSamus, Christian Forums

Note that the banana:

1) Is shaped for human hand
2) Has non-slip surface
3) Has outward indicators of inward content:
Green-too early,
Yellow-just right,
Black-too late.
4) Has a tab for removal of wrapper
5) Is perforated on wrapper
6) Bio-degradable wrapper
7) Is shaped for human mouth
8) Has a point at top for ease of entry
9) Is pleasing to taste buds
10) Is curved towards the face to make eating process easy

To say that the banana happened by accident is even more unintelligent than to say that no one designed the Coca Cola can."

Ray Comfort, The Atheist Test Website

"[A series of posts submitted collectively]

[Page 1]
Note: Humans are mammals - not animals

[Page 2]
When you can show me an animal (that are not mammal) that its milk is produced by modified sweat glands called 'mammary' glands and have a diaphragm (which is a shelf of muscle extending across the bottom of the ribcage).

If you can produce this animal (not mammal) then I'll consider your logic.. Until such time mammals are not animals..

[Another post]
This is what the evolutionists are reduced to Dion.. Debating whether mammals are animals.. Anyone that spends 5 sec in the dictionary and reads any science literature conclude mammals are not animals..

[After someone mentions just going to a dictionary to seeKingdom Animalia includes mammals]
Now Laoldar says "Kingdom Animalia" include mammals

Lets go to the dictionary
http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=Kingdom Animalia
taxonomic kingdom comprising all living or extinct animals [syn: Animalia, kingdom Animalia, animal kingdom] Do you see mammals listed?.. Didn't think so
....
Nobody in science would conclude mammals are animals - except atheists to push they're agenda and a few evolutionists trying to cover-up Darwin's error..

[Page 5]
Kingdom Animalia, just like any other word or phrase (such as God, or God's kingdom) is only valid for those that believe in it..

[Another post]
Oh, I see.. this is the same as motor vehicles (as Kingdom Animalia), under that comes trucks (as mammals) and motorcycles (as animals)"

Sweeet, History Channel Boards

"Actually most of the universe is composed of water. Water comprises 91% of the substance in the human body and oxygen is composed of 2 molecules of hydrogen (water).

Carbon-14 is only present in one trillionth of all the atoms in each molecule and its existence varies greatly according to the amount of sun in each day, how much radiation in the air from nuclear power plants, and the position of the sun relative to the equator. Therefore, the chance of winning the lottery is much higher than the accuracy of carbon-14 dating."

Heidi, 123 Christian Forums

"personally I believe that the Meteor that killed off the dinosaurs was what triggered the event... Meteor crashes into earth, dust seeds the water canopy and collapses, earth is suddenly covered by water, water freezes at poles and settles down a bit in other places, Now only 3/4 is covered by water. Lands Divide years later etc."

Master_SweetPea, Jedi Council Forums

"The water canopy did exist, but God broke it and the weather suddenly changed, causing extreme temperture in winter. Before then 30 below Celsius never existed, interesting isn't it. There were the four seasons but not like we have them today."

Blue_Jedi33, Jedi Council Forums

I'd have to put my vote into the argument that water on Mars proves the flood - see, that's where god sent all the water after the flood (and why we can't find the required amount of water to flood the Earth on the Earth any more).

A classic:

"water on mars proof of the flood

Here we see water on mars! When the waters of the flood were dryed with a great wind, it seems some ended up pon mars! Not millions of years ago, thousands!"

dad, Christian Forums

"I think the craters on earth, some of them, and the planets in our solar system may have somehow been caused by flood events. I believe Walt Brown theorized that the fountains of the deep opened with such force, as to cause some material to acheive a velocity that got it out of earths orbit, and some of the debris returned as meteors.
My own theory is that it was actually the flood waters, removed from earth, that reached space, then, as the split happened, space became a cold place, where the water froze, the spacebergs then were in some cases became giant meteors?
Perhaps there are other creation oriented ideas that are similar as well?
Why not!? If a phenomena like more craters on the moon, on the side that faces earth, or some planets, if this were the case were to exist, would not this be a possible indication?
(My time is short here, as I may be gone most of September, so I'm having a little flurry of activity here.)

Pre split space and gravity were likely not the same, so strict PO calculations would not apply across the board here, but only, say to a post split spaceberg, or such.
Such a historically exciting universe!"

dad, Christian Forums

 

[Governed Apology Exploded]

Neo-Darwinianismist evolutionistism is a huge conspiracy perpetuated by neo-Darwiniamismist evolutionismist race theorists to fool Good Christians and turn them over to Satan. There is plenty of evidence for neo-Darwinianismist evolutionistism, but it was planted by Satan and is meant to test our faith. Neo-Darwiniamismist evolutionismists are a bunch of atheists who know neo-Darwinianismist evolutionistism is untrue, but want to deceive people, because neo-Darwinianismist evolutionistism says there is no God (except Darwin).

It's not like they could be people who honestly believe in a well supported scientific theory (that says nothing about God) or anything like that.

 

[dlamberth]

For whacky theories you can't beat the one about people evolving from a primordial soup of chemicals, or the universe spontaneously evolving from a big bang.

Is it any whacker than the theory of a Master Being sitting out there in nothingness and out of nothingness spontaneously making everything that exist?


.

 

[Ryal Kane]

Neo-darwinistic fascist racial theories is bad and my wife is African American so since she rejects it it means shes not from monkeys(?)...so Evolution is false

Don't make me angry Mr Darwin. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

 

[TheBear]

What is in your opinion the best creationist theories/ideas/whatever you may call them? Ranging from "God created the world in 6 days" to "Danging Greenland theory" to "water-vapor-canopies", basically any are alowed. We (I) want to hear from you (you) what you think is the best and why.

A recent one I recall was a bit different. It had the moon colliding with the earth, several times in the past.

 

[notto]

The solid rock of the grand canyon walls and other rock formations was formed during a raging flood in the absense of heat or pressure.

(That one always cracks me up - doesn't that break the second law of thermodynamics?)

 

[nvxplorer]

a God who sacrifices Himself to Himself to prevent him from having to punish us for something that Adam and Eve did when they didn't have the mental ability to not do, which he could've prevented if He wanted to. . .

Don’t forget...he had to impregnate a virgin to give birth to himself as well.

 

[Illuminatus]

Okay, I give up. Poe's Law wins. Parody or no?

It's a parody. IIRC, Never isn't a creationist.

 

[Hydra009]

What is in your opinion the best creationist theories/ideas/whatever you may call them? Ranging from "God created the world in 6 days" to "Danging Greenland theory" to "water-vapor-canopies", basically any are alowed. We (I) want to hear from you (you) what you think is the best and why.

The creationist arguments that assert that the universe may have had wacky physical properties in the past (based on?) and therefore scientific theory X isn't true or is based on "unwarranted assumptions". Rofl.

 

[Dexx]

The Universe is 6000 years old. God created it with the appearance of age. Much of what we see in the night sky never actually happened - it is there for reasons beyond what we can fathom. Similarly God created the Earth with geology apparently millions of years old. There were never any dinosaurs. The fossil record was created insitu by God for reasons we dont know.

 

[Caphi]

The Universe is 6000 years old. God created it with the appearance of age. Much of what we see in the night sky never actually happened - it is there for reasons beyond what we can fathom. Similarly God created the Earth with geology apparently millions of years old. There were never any dinosaurs. The fossil record was created insitu by God for reasons we dont know.

Poe's Law spites me once again today.

 

[Lucretius]

The solid rock of the grand canyon walls and other rock formations was formed during a raging flood in the absense of heat or pressure.

(That one always cracks me up - doesn't that break the second law of thermodynamics?)

Actually, I think it can be demonstrate that it does quite simply:

According to the second law, the total entropy should increase in a given system over time.

If we have an absence of heat, our entropy equation

will give us an entropy (S) value of zero.

Zero is not increasing, because you can't have negative entropy...thus, we have a problem.

 

[Aggie]

I don’t know how many other people here will remember this, but as far as I’m concerned there’s one creationist argument from this forum that stands head-and-shoulders above all the others used here.

Evolution is a big mafia in worldwide.

 

[FreezBee]

What is in your opinion the best creationist theories/ideas/whatever you may call them? Ranging from "God created the world in 6 days" to "Danging Greenland theory" to "water-vapor-canopies", basically any are alowed. We (I) want to hear from you (you) what you think is the best and why.

Ok, my current favorite is presented here:

http://www.ldolphin.org/iceage.html

The page is written by a geologist who reads the Nook of Job as a report of how life was in the ice age, and that ice age having been caused by God starting the continental drift after confusing the languages (the towe of Babel story, if you remember).

Just a random quote from the page:

Now the geologist walks hand in hand with the philosophers who need billions of years for their gods, Time and Chance, to produce the present world. As a result he wants to place the ice age in a setting which began more than a million years ago with its influence continuing to retreat even today. For several generations students of all ages from kindergarten through graduate school have been taught inventive fictions about the gradual development of cave men and how man gradually had evolved out from his animal ancestry. Today the doors of public education are as tightly closed against the teaching of any criticism of this approach as are the classrooms of China to a consideration of the Word of God and to the true and living God. The fiction of man's gradual evolution out of animal still finds a gullible market in the carefully designed deceptions of books like Mitchner's "Source" and several, often pornographic, book series attempting to describe the life of man and, for some reason, especially women during the ice age.

cheers

- FreezBee

 

[Lilandra]

Therefore I am not a darn dirty ape!

 

[GodscousinTed]

I'd have to nominate pretty much everything dad has ever posted, it's all comedy gold. That man is like the insane lovechild of Kent Hovind and Gene Ray.

dad, if you're reading this, please say; "You can't understand split-universe-cube because you're educated stupid!!"

 

[calidog]

For whacky theories you can't beat the one about people evolving from a primordial soup of chemicals, or the universe spontaneously evolving from a big bang.

That's my favorite funny one

 

[calidog]

I'm going with the Big Bang Theory. It may fall in line with scientific studies, but I do believe that's how the universe was began, according to the will of the Lord.

He just said in the beginning He created it. I suppose just because He did'nt include that it made a loud noise, does'nt mean it did'nt make one. Since He did'nt mention it, I won't either. As for the big bang in it's theory, I'll leave that for others to hash out.