Being Single

[dayhiker]

Susan .. Sounds like your meeting will go fine.

Another thought: If thre is a topic that feels like some thought and reading add to the meaning, you might have a follow up meeting a couple weeks later to give people an other change to talk about topics that are of a lot of interest or no one seems to have a handle on.

 

[SusanJill]

Javanwarbler, It has taken me a while to address all of these wonderful insights and comments because I have had the flu.
I am curious about why you think their are things about you personally that keep you from fitting in. If you don't want to share, it's perfectly fine.
I have always been drawn to people who are different. People who are not cookie cutter types. It is awesome to meet people who think outside the box and see life through different lenses thus challenging me to stretch and grow.
I know what you mean about not having good examples in your parents. Both of my parents were alcoholics. My Dad was a rageaholic and my mom was detached. Until I met Christ I never felt loved or of any value to anyone. After I learned about my creator God and His pursuit of me and Christ's ultimate sacrifice for me ... my heart was filled to overflowing with gratitude and love. I have never been the same.
I love how freely you communicated where you are in life. You have striven to do things in order and be the person God created you to be. I encourage you to let go and let people see the real you ... take the risk and love big reaching out to all you know. You will be surprised how many will be drawn to you. Thanks for sharing with me ... All of those who have commented will help me to know how best to approach this opportunity. God Bless you dear one. You are special to Him ... and now to me.
Mekenzie

 

[SusanJill]

dayhiker, Could you expound on that last comment. I'm not quite getting what you mean. I may be a 'little' blonde here. Thank you!

 

[dayhiker]

Susan,
Since you will have ladies this might not be an issues for them. But sometimes I don't like to talk about an issue/topic till I've had some time to think about it. So if you sense that type of thing then plan another meeting, or meet one on one after some time to think about the topic.

 

[SusanJill]

Shoot I get the feeling I shouldn't have said what I did here about singleness. Didn't seem to take very well or people just can't relate
I'm usually never so blunt but then this is topic I have strong feelings about and my situation is so very different than like 98% of people.

I wanted to share what it really is like for some people and to be dead honest about it, knowing that there are many walks of life and therefore not just one kind of single either.


SusanJill, when you give your talk to the church ladies at your church about singleness, if you ever come across or meet the rare species of a single 35+ year old woman, never married and no kids, let her know she is not alone

One thing I've discovered about us singles is that we're out there, but scattered and fragmented (and who go to different churches in one city) and never get a chance to meet one another or know there are more of us out there because in the christian arena, there often isn't a group at a lot of churches, or ways for them to meet because it seems like christian single older (30's and older)adults often get ignored or people just don't think it's an issue to address.

I really hope it goes well and is fruitful, bringing understanding to lessen the disconnect between the marrieds and singles where you are!

Javanwarbler, Oh no, your comments are very appreciated. You are uniquely YOU and I like the person I see. In my opinion bluntness is always good as you don't have to guess at what a person is saying. I see what you mean about there being many kinds of singles.
I appreciate your advice on letting singles know they are not alone. I'm hoping that gathering a group of singles (who are asking for a class) together will be an opportunity to develop intimacy and sisterhood.
One thing I have gathered after reading these responses is that most singles feel alone and alienated. Clearly something needs to be done in the Church to change this. There should never be a brother or sister who feels they walk through life alone.
Thanks again for sharing from the heart!

 

[SusanJill]

Susan,
Since you will have ladies this might not be an issues for them. But sometimes I don't like to talk about an issue/topic till I've had some time to think about it. So if you sense that type of thing then plan another meeting, or meet one on one after some time to think about the topic.

dayhiker, I hear you ... we all have different temperaments ranging from impulsive and quick to answer to those who need time to mull things over. I appreciate the heads up ... I will be alert to any who may need an opportunity to discuss it again at a later time.
Thank you and God Bless you!

 

[blackribbon]

It's something I didn't think about untill I read these posts. I didn't wounder how you felt, I did know you were not second class and had as much to contribute to the Church as anyone else. Many things apply to having a great Church and not just for the single folks. We must make everyone feel welcome, let them know they can be helpfull because of experiences from the past or something they are going thru at this time. Every Christian attending a Chuch has something to contribute and they must have the opportunity to use that gift God gave them or their in the wrong Church. Everyone problems and questions are serious and not to be taken lightly. God Bless.

I have sat through Sunday sermons on having a good marriage and believe this is a valid sermon topic...however, I can't say I've ever sat through a sermon that specifically addressed being a Godly single. This is a topic saved for special single events...although there are plenty of singles in every church sitting right along with the married couples. This gives the impression that being single isn't "normal"...and maybe something that needs to be solved with prayer. Most singles feel like they have failed in someway if they don't find a partner...however, the Bible makes it abundantly clear that God blesses singleness. Jesus was a "single". Paul was a "single"...along with most (if not all of the apostles). Marriage limits our ability to serve God because we also have to focus on family needs.

As a single mother, I find the "answer" to questions about dealing with my son are "to find a Godly man to be his mentor"...well, last I checked, I was the one God left the kid with and I'm not sure I want to trust my son's heart to a man that I don't know that well...no matter how Godly he appears to be. I am that boy's parent and the only one that God has chosen to leave him with.

And in many churches that preach the Godly family model with the man being the head of the house (which I agree with), however, they don't have a option for those of us who do not have a male head of household. It has taken me a number of years to realize that often those "male" roles ARE mine to take when it comes to my family. I can be the one serving communion to my family and don't need to join someone else's family so that a man does this. And I am not outside of Gods will, if I do step up and claim my position as head of my household...even if that means, I am rubbing elbows with mostly men.

I also notice that there is an assumption that the single, unmarried woman are more available to volunteer since they don't have family responsibilities. Truth be told, a lot of these women are very giving women and sometimes have more responsibilities and no one to share the load.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I agree with blackribbon. Men have it "easier" in most cases to serve in the church if they are not married, but it's usually not the case for the single mother.
When my husband passed away, our women's ministry was very caring toward me for awhile. I even had some of the men that had a ministry to help out in handyman style to people that could not afford to pay for help.
While both of those things greatly helped me, one thing clearly WAS lacking. A male mentor for my boys. I thought someone would step up in this area, and I did mention it to the church, but no one ever did. We had an awesome youth ministry at the time that could have, and we had some men that I thought could or would have and I was very surprised that this didn't happen. I think it would have made a huge difference in my boys and their spiritual growth.
So if there is a need in the church for widows with children especially if they are male children, I think this is where a ministry would be good to have.

 

[blackribbon]

Yeah...nobody helped my 12 year old son either. The youth leader took him out to ice cream once. Then a year later, he came out of youth group almost in tears. This same leader told him that he wouldn't see his dad in Heaven. I'm not sure what he really meant to convey, but since his dad was a Christian, I am clueless. I was glad that we moved shortly after that.

No one has offered to help at the new church either. I don't think he would be open at this point. We have found men to be in his life through Boy Scouts and baseball.

The church youth have been asked to raise money for "the widows and the fatherless"...luckily, neither of my kids saw the irony like I did.

You know I'd love to have a Christian event aimed at boys and their mothers....especially all us mothers that (regardless of our marital status) are trying to raise Godly young men without the influence of a Godly father.

 

[dayhiker]

I think the above issue is the same in 99% of the churches. A good youth group in some church goes a long ways toward helping. Yet, many youth leaders are just into their 20's, have never had kids themselves, and are probably youth that just got excited about Jesus with little experience ...

So the programs/meetings of the church are were the priorities are not the people pres ay.

 

[Javanwarbler]

Javanwarbler, Oh no, your comments are very appreciated. You are uniquely YOU and I like the person I see. In my opinion bluntness is always good as you don't have to guess at what a person is saying. I see what you mean about there being many kinds of singles.
I appreciate your advice on letting singles know they are not alone. I'm hoping that gathering a group of singles (who are asking for a class) together will be an opportunity to develop intimacy and sisterhood.
One thing I have gathered after reading these responses is that most singles feel alone and alienated. Clearly something needs to be done in the Church to change this. There should never be a brother or sister who feels they walk through life alone.
Thanks again for sharing from the heart!

I really appreciate and I'm grateful for your kind words, you made my day! Ive really been in a big rough spot this winter about especially loneliness and stuckness in life. I think singles need a balanced healthy and diverse social network, something I've never really had. Married people of course need that, but for singles it's essential that that happens, to fill in the gap not filled by being married.

Most of my adult life I was 'looking' for someone and making that the most important thing, and it was always on my mind. Truth is, I'm having some respite from that (I hope it's God guiding me to a better place with this!) desperate, immediate kind of thinking, and hoping I'll have more healthy christian male and female friends. A single friend of mine is moving away (it was a healthy, good friendship, though she's the kind who had tons of friends) and I'm really bummed out by this because I have few friends, and even fewer healthy, growing friendships (if any, at this point). And this particular friend also was the huge force for many years, in getting singles events and groups going and bringing scattered singles in the community together.

God really helped me in getting over that emotional "oh why can't this relationship work?" "Or why didn't it work?" It would have been a disaster if I ended up with any of the guys I dated, and wished ended in marriage! There would have been too much incompatibility for starters. I credit God for helping me see this. Having more the 'take it or leave it" attitude toward dating and the approach "if God wills it to be it will happen, if not, that's okay too because God has someone or something else," is healthier and something I"m still needing to work on. I know if I can come to that truly healthy kind of place where I know I'm following God on this (and life in general) I'd finally feel right and free of guilt.

I've been apart of a singles Bible study group but there's only 5 or 6 of us 'regulars' and mostly men 50+. I know there's got to be more of us floating around among the local churches and just in mine (which is like 1000+ members). And I don't mean 20's age singles. There a college and careers group in the church that ministers to that age group of singles. I would really value if there was a singles class in our church for people 30's+! I hope it can work in your church. This is really neat you're doing this to try and make it happen!

 

[Javanwarbler]

Javanwarbler, It has taken me a while to address all of these wonderful insights and comments because I have had the flu.
I am curious about why you think their are things about you personally that keep you from fitting in. If you don't want to share, it's perfectly fine.
I have always been drawn to people who are different. People who are not cookie cutter types. It is awesome to meet people who think outside the box and see life through different lenses thus challenging me to stretch and grow.
I know what you mean about not having good examples in your parents. Both of my parents were alcoholics. My Dad was a rageaholic and my mom was detached. Until I met Christ I never felt loved or of any value to anyone. After I learned about my creator God and His pursuit of me and Christ's ultimate sacrifice for me ... my heart was filled to overflowing with gratitude and love. I have never been the same.
I love how freely you communicated where you are in life. You have striven to do things in order and be the person God created you to be. I encourage you to let go and let people see the real you ... take the risk and love big reaching out to all you know. You will be surprised how many will be drawn to you. Thanks for sharing with me ... All of those who have commented will help me to know how best to approach this opportunity. God Bless you dear one. You are special to Him ... and now to me.
Mekenzie

This really means a lot to me! Thank you SO MUCH for reaching out here to me here and helping me not feel so alone! I'm real sorry about your parents! Man that must have been tough! But the troubles with our earthly family is maybe just more reason to at some point know and become a part of God's family? I don't know. A miracle with my mom is that she gave her life to God after being close to death with alcohol poisoning and at 65 was able to FINALLY overcome alcoholism! We actually have things to say to each other that we never could have done before! My mom also was emotionally unavailable and for a time, her life revolved around my violin playing. It filled something in her in addition to the alcohol.

My dad is agnostic or something like that because while he feels it's all well and good for me and anyone to have 'religion', it's not necessary for him or for anyone, as we'll all be going to heaven when we die according to him. My dad is a really good person and more 'christian' than many christians and one of the best dads around. I mean he GOT IT when it comes to what it means to be a 'daddy.'
Yet when it comes to whether he needs Christ and believes who He is and then answer 'the call' he doesn't see it as a 'requirement' for going to heaven or being saved. (the whole thing about 'being saved' is a whole other issue!)

I look at things differently than most people. For ex., I really like big cats and one species of tiger that went extinct was the Javan Tiger (but there are reports of people seeing one or two). I really like birds, especially songbirds, and further, warblers. Hence my name above. There's no such thing as a Javan Warbler in the wilds (i'm pretty sure) but it would be really neat! (the name of the bird too!).
for a few years, I looked at life's timeline as "pre javan tiger extinction" and "post javan tiger extinction." The early 1980's are considered to be the time when that tiger subspecies went extinct.

Sometimes I think I went extinct (that I don't know who I really am especially in God, and i've spent many years avoiding it and being someone else; even wishing I was a tiger) or I just want to be 'extinct' from this world to be in heaven with God and Jesus and everyone up there. Now i gave you a lighthearted example of 'different thinking than most.' The other stuff is just a huge daily battle. I keep hoping "The Footprints" poem is simply going on with me, and that God will see me through the other side. I'm an artist and musician (and also lifelong interests) but I haven't (still) done a whole lot with it as an adult. I don't know how God would or will use this, and where my 'niche' is in the church as an older, single, never married no kids, artist. I do play in the worship band from time to time and this has been a huge blessing and has given some purpose in my music.

I don't know when I'll write next as I'm starting a new job in another state where I won't be at a computer much, but I wanted to respond here and wish you God's best on the singles class and if/how that will develop in your church! I hope you'll keep us informed and that all this input from people here will really speak to and help others in similar situations. I liked what everyone said here too

 

[SusanJill]

I really appreciate and I'm grateful for your kind words, you made my day! Ive really been in a big rough spot this winter about especially loneliness and stuckness in life. I think singles need a balanced healthy and diverse social network, something I've never really had. Married people of course need that, but for singles it's essential that that happens, to fill in the gap not filled by being married.

Most of my adult life I was 'looking' for someone and making that the most important thing, and it was always on my mind. Truth is, I'm having some respite from that (I hope it's God guiding me to a better place with this!) desperate, immediate kind of thinking, and hoping I'll have more healthy christian male and female friends. A single friend of mine is moving away (it was a healthy, good friendship, though she's the kind who had tons of friends) and I'm really bummed out by this because I have few friends, and even fewer healthy, growing friendships (if any, at this point). And this particular friend also was the huge force for many years, in getting singles events and groups going and bringing scattered singles in the community together.

God really helped me in getting over that emotional "oh why can't this relationship work?" "Or why didn't it work?" It would have been a disaster if I ended up with any of the guys I dated, and wished ended in marriage! There would have been too much incompatibility for starters. I credit God for helping me see this. Having more the 'take it or leave it" attitude toward dating and the approach "if God wills it to be it will happen, if not, that's okay too because God has someone or something else," is healthier and something I"m still needing to work on. I know if I can come to that truly healthy kind of place where I know I'm following God on this (and life in general) I'd finally feel right and free of guilt.

I've been apart of a singles Bible study group but there's only 5 or 6 of us 'regulars' and mostly men 50+. I know there's got to be more of us floating around among the local churches and just in mine (which is like 1000+ members). And I don't mean 20's age singles. There a college and careers group in the church that ministers to that age group of singles. I would really value if there was a singles class in our church for people 30's+! I hope it can work in your church. This is really neat you're doing this to try and make it happen!

Thank you Javanwarbler, I like your perspective and love your heart! Appreciate the encouragement!

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Did you have the class or meeting yet? I am curious how it went or is going.

 

[newbeliever02072005]

Mod Hat On:



Thread has been moved from the Singles forum to the Life Stages Hangout forum.




Mod Hat Off

 

[SusanJill]

Did you have the class or meeting yet? I am curious how it went or is going.

memories, I have not taught the class yet ... I actually have until September to pray and prepare. All of your comments and suggestions and opinions have been invaluable to me. I am also meeting with some single friends of mine to get their input.
Keep the info coming if you have more to share. I will share with you how God leads as I begin to put it together.
Thanks for asking memories!

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

memories, I have not taught the class yet ... I actually have until September to pray and prepare. All of your comments and suggestions and opinions have been invaluable to me. I am also meeting with some single friends of mine to get their input.
Keep the info coming if you have more to share. I will share with you how God leads as I begin to put it together.
Thanks for asking memories!

Well I am just curious if, after the class you can come back and "report" how you think it went?

 

[FreeSpirit74]

Well, speaking only for myself, I don't "struggle" with being single (never married). I am single by choice, and I think people like me should be envied, not pitied. My car is paid for, my apartment is in my name (will be signing my 12th lease on it in July!), and my bills get paid every single month, and I always have money left over, because I have a budget and I stick to it. I don't have to deal with arguements about money or an SO who is financially irresponsible. If I want to pick up and go somewhere, I can, and I don't have to deal with "checking in" with someone. I do a lot of folk dancing (contras and squares), and I don't have to deal with an SO getting jealous because I'm dancing "partner dances" with other men, some of whom I've known for 10+ years. Physical fitness is extremely important to me, and I would never consider being with anyone for whom it isn't an equal priority.

I am my own person, and I am complete... just as I am.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Well, speaking only for myself, I don't "struggle" with being single (never married). I am single by choice, and I think people like me should be envied, not pitied. My car is paid for, my apartment is in my name (will be signing my 12th lease on it in July!), and my bills get paid every single month, and I always have money left over, because I have a budget and I stick to it. I don't have to deal with arguements about money or an SO who is financially irresponsible. If I want to pick up and go somewhere, I can, and I don't have to deal with "checking in" with someone. I do a lot of folk dancing (contras and squares), and I don't have to deal with an SO getting jealous because I'm dancing "partner dances" with other men, some of whom I've known for 10+ years. Physical fitness is extremely important to me, and I would never consider being with anyone for whom it isn't an equal priority.

I am my own person, and I am complete... just as I am.

good for you! (I wish we had a clapping smilie) I wouldn't say I "struggle" with being single either. I have been married for almost 25 years and have been a widow for the last 7 years. I do have 2 teenagers so dating has not been a priority, nor has anyone come along that I would like to date so....There are occasional but brief times I think about my singleness. For example, last night I went to dinner with a friend that I just found out was getting a divorce after 25 years of marriage. Her husband cheated on her multiple times and so it's over and he is living with the woman he had an affair with. But she....is already dating! I applaud her for doing what she wants to do (I couldn't do it). But I could not and would not do as she is doing, which is meeting guys online and then in person. But the pre-marital sex is not an issue for her as it would be for me so yet another reason I could not do what she is doing. But still when I left dinner I was thinking about my singleness. I quickly realized though, that I am content, I do not have the energy it would take to start and then keep a relationship going, and I can forsee many problems that I really wouldn't want to deal with even though it would be nice to have someone to go places with and spend time with at times. My life is not boring, I have friends, I do things and I am happy. And like you said, aside from my kids, I can pretty much come and go as I please. I can cook if I want to, but if I don't I don't have to, and I don't have somebody always wanting my time (except my kids sometimes).

 

[FreeSpirit74]

^^^
But... but... we DO have a clapping smilie:

We also have a thumbs-up one too!

Another thing that freaks me out is meeting some guy and then have him turn out to be a psycho who lies, cheats, and/or worse. For 6 years I was involved with someone who turned out to be a pathological liar, and at the same time was one of the most charming, engaging men I ever met. Turns out he had/has a girlfriend, in who's house he was/still is living, and he was playing step-father to her daughter. Apparently, this woman has "issues with (physical) intimacy" as it was explained to me when I found out about it, so he thought nothing of going elsewhere to get that, and I was the one he chose to have it with. Don't get me wrong, if people want to be in a polyamorous relationship that's there choice, but ALL the parties involved have to know and be OK with it, otherwise it is just cheating and lying, and *I* didn't know about it. He also took advantage of my colossal naivety at that time (I was 30) and became a sort of mentor to me and, yes, he did give me plenty of food for thought about life, so he wasn't all bad. So, I chose to try and continue the relationship (and yes the fact that he was "good" was one reason!).

I finally told him to go to you-know-where back in December, because if spite of the fact that it took someone ELSE to tell me what was going on, he continued lying to me, and then running away when I would confront him about it. The relationship went on far longer than it should've, because I was hooked and thought I could handle it, but by 7 months ago I realized that I had indeed grown, and in a direction where I had to make a choice to value myself more than someone who I had outgrown. I told him that he was only being a buddy to me in order to get what he obviously didn't get at home (physical intimacy), and that his "interest" in me as a person was all an act.

In a nutshell, he is the other big reason why I prefer to stay single. I trusted him, and gave him the benefit of the doubt, thinking that maybe, just MAYBE he had learned something everytime we had a disagreement and went several months without speaking (we once went 1.5 years without seeing or speaking to each other). But, it was not to be. And I cannot allow myself to take another chance like that. Once was enough.