Being Single

[Common Sense]

black ribbon, I'm glad you didn't deleate your post. I see in it that your a great mother, some wouldn't put the children first, I've seen them and am retty sure you have also. That makes you special to me and anyone that loves children. I have never believed the Church building had to have me every time the door was open, the relationship with the children, the special time together, the spiritual leadership you give them, dosen't have to always be in a Chuch building.God sees the intent of your heart, you will find in the Chuch some of the same types that Jesus had to contend with, your not second class because your a woman, not because your divorced , not because you are single, not because you lost your husband, your noy second class at all, look past all that crap because thats exactly what it is. God loves you. Gotta go, hope to text you again.

 

[SusanJill]

memories, you have a beautiful heart and I know you are a blessing to all who know you! Thanks for sharing your journey. God Bless YOU!

 

[SusanJill]

Dayhiker, Hi .. took me awhile to get back here - I've been dealing with the flu all week - been a tough one.
I appreciate your encouragement and agree that there is a lot of material to draw on here in this forum; which is what I was so hoping for. I do see what you are saying regarding an inheritance. There are many variables when a person remarries. You mention the woman being rich ... I agree that if she were rich you would not want to take her money and give it to your children ... you would gladly honor her by passing it on to her children.
I was not thinking in the realm of wealth, which is one of those variables, when I wrote my response to you I was thinking more along the lines of the need to take care of one's spouse, whether the spouse be #1 or #2 etc. ... If one has wealth they can care for their spouse left behind as well as leave an inheritance to their children and grandchildren. I am glad you want to pass your inheritance to your children and that they don't have the sense of entitlement.
God Bless You and thank you again for your transparency and willingness to share.

 

[SusanJill]

blackribbon, I hear your heart and the tremendous frustration between trusting God and longing for companionship. Your devotion to your children is very admirable. I will not try to answer any of your frustrations ... I am glad you did not delete as there are singles who need to know they are not alone in their pain ... and hearing that someone else feels it may help somehow. May God grant you peace and hold you close to His heart to be the husband to the husbandless He promised to be.

 

[SusanJill]

I wouldn't want to attend a group where someone thought they were going to give me all the answers either... really I wouldn't. As I'm reading all of these comments I'm beginning to wonder if the focus should just be on God and our relationship to Him as our Father. As daughters of the Living God we DO have that in common. hmmmmmmm praying for wisdom.

 

[SusanJill]

thought: Some of the loneliest women I have known have been married. Married to a self centered man whose world revolves around him and him alone. Just wanted to make note of that.

 

[SusanJill]

Javanwarbler, I agree with you that not everyone should be married or have children .. it makes me crazy too to see children who are neglected or abused. I am so sorry you have never felt you fit in anywhere ... that is a very sad commentary on Christianity. As believers we ARE brothers and sisters in Christ and we are called to love each other "They (the world) will know we are Christians by our love." I pray you find people who will love you just as you are. Thanks for sharing your heart!

 

[Javanwarbler]

I realize it's a lot having to do with stuff about me personally as to why i have a hard time fitting in but I feel so alone when most everyone around me has a spouse and children.

I have a dog who fulfills some of that need to be responsible and care for somebody. It's just that if I can't get the first part right (true compatible spouse) the 2nd part, having children, doesn't make much sense.

I strongly believe in getting as much of "all your ducks in a row" as you can and as much as God will do for you in that, before going ahead with such huge life decisions. Marriage and having kids is something that should never be taken lightly yet it seems in society that that very thing is happening more and more. I used to listen a lot to "Dr Laura" Slessinger (I'm sure you all have heard of her) and she had a lot of good advice in these areas, though I certainly don't agree completely with all she said.
I do feel like "when is it my turn?" Especially when I've been holding out all this time and trying not to make hasty choices. And I feel my "best years are just going to waste" being by myself and not having that one person you can share your world and their world with you. I'm not someone with many friends and the idea of having that best friend, that one person you are so close to is what I really seek!
I have a female best friend and then a spouse like this would be perfect! He would be my male best friend because I believe if you're not at least close intimate friends (where you share almost everything and you know them and they know you inside out, and will still love and accept you as you are with the knowledge that you will grow in God and life together) with your spouse, the odds increase that it won't be a lasting partnership.
Having parents who had an extremely bad marriage (and really probably should have divorced earlier than they did) and who should not have ever married each other in the first place probably, it is better to not be in a relationship than in a bad one or one that is not going anywhere.

 

[Javanwarbler]

"Some of the loneliest women I have known have been married. Married to a self centered man whose world revolves around him and him alone. Just wanted to make note of that."

Susan,

I could see that, the above. I have wondered if this were the case with my mom or dad. I won't get into it here but they were absolutely miserable together, esp my mom. In a way, I'm afraid to get married and also have kids because I don't want to end up like my folks or pass on the depression I struggle with every day and have for years.

 

[dayhiker]

Ya, and if married and alone, they don't ahve the freedom to get into a relationship that would give them come company.

 

[dayhiker]

The problem I have with that, is I think it limits how much they will get out of it. Now that I'm older, I say that was a cop out and one either didn't know the real issues singles face or they if they know, they aren't willing to open a bag of worms. But I'd say its better to open the bag and say you have no answer but acknowledge they are real issue.

I wouldn't want to attend a group where someone thought they were going to give me all the answers either... really I wouldn't. As I'm reading all of these comments I'm beginning to wonder if the focus should just be on God and our relationship to Him as our Father. As daughters of the Living God we DO have that in common. hmmmmmmm praying for wisdom.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

memories, you have a beautiful heart and I know you are a blessing to all who know you! Thanks for sharing your journey. God Bless YOU!

Awe, thank you for the kind words!

I wouldn't want to attend a group where someone thought they were going to give me all the answers either... really I wouldn't. As I'm reading all of these comments I'm beginning to wonder if the focus should just be on God and our relationship to Him as our Father. As daughters of the Living God we DO have that in common. hmmmmmmm praying for wisdom.

I agree with this! No matter what situation we are in life, God wants a close relationship with us. To Him, it doesn't matter if we are married, single, widowed, whatever He still desires us to trust Him and have a close relationship with Him. And I believe, (cuz it is working for me) that if we DO that, we can learn to be content in all the "situations" we find ourselves in. We cannot control many things that happen "to us" in this life, but we CAN go to God with them, and seek His wisdom and His guidance and understanding, and we can (in time) receive the "peace that passes all understanding" Phil 4:7.
The important thing is, that we are all on our own journies in this life. We all have to make the best of the life we are dealt. We all have to come to an understanding that our God is a loving God and even though we don't understand WHY we are in our current situation, HE is sovreign and His plan is the best for us, even if it makes no sense. God does not mind if we don't understand. He doesn't mind if we question him. He answers (or doesn't answer) differently for each of us. He did not answer Job, only gave him questions back "where were you when I created the heaven's and the earth?" but Habukkuk he did answer and told him basically He could use whoever He wanted to accomplish what He wanted. So as hard as it is for alot of us, we still know (or hopefully will come to that) that God is God and we are not, and we CAN trust Him. And our job is to do the best we can with what we have and do if for His glory if we can. JMHO.

thought: Some of the loneliest women I have known have been married. Married to a self centered man whose world revolves around him and him alone. Just wanted to make note of that.

Or married to one that doesn't have an understanding of how you feel. It's also been said that you can be in a room full of people and still be lonely. There is no perfect situation. Whether married or single for whatever reason has it's issues. If you are married, you have two will's to contend with (yours and your spouses) and if you are single, you have only one, but wish you had support at times so.....

 

[dayhiker]

The best way not to be lonely is to really enjoy talking to yourself.

Then you can be anywhere and have a good time!

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

The best way not to be lonely is to really enjoy talking to yourself.

Then you can be anywhere and have a good time!

oh dayhiker, what ARE we going to do with you?
The best way to not be lonely is to realize that whether you feel it or not, you are never alone. Jesus said He would never leave us or forsake us and He is omnipotent and omnicient so He is everywhere at all times. So we really are never alone. It just doesn't always "feel" like that.

 

[dayhiker]

Well, ofcourse, I talk to God as well when I talk to myself .... grin

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

dayhiker, I answered you in the mature chat thread

 

[SusanJill]

Dayhiker and memories, Lots of ways to look at the opportunity before me. I surely don't want to cop out and I'm not afraid of a bag of worms. The idea of being transparent and communicating that I am not there to give advice but perhaps facilitate a discussion may be the best way to go. I hear your confirmation memories to discuss our similarities as Women and children of the living God. Would appreciate prayers. You two are so funny!! Enjoyed reading the banter back and forth.
Thanks so much for your honesty and input!

 

[Javanwarbler]

Shoot I get the feeling I shouldn't have said what I did here about singleness. Didn't seem to take very well or people just can't relate
I'm usually never so blunt but then this is topic I have strong feelings about and my situation is so very different than like 98% of people.

I wanted to share what it really is like for some people and to be dead honest about it, knowing that there are many walks of life and therefore not just one kind of single either.


SusanJill, when you give your talk to the church ladies at your church about singleness, if you ever come across or meet the rare species of a single 35+ year old woman, never married and no kids, let her know she is not alone

One thing I've discovered about us singles is that we're out there, but scattered and fragmented (and who go to different churches in one city) and never get a chance to meet one another or know there are more of us out there because in the christian arena, there often isn't a group at a lot of churches, or ways for them to meet because it seems like christian single older (30's and older)adults often get ignored or people just don't think it's an issue to address.

I really hope it goes well and is fruitful, bringing understanding to lessen the disconnect between the marrieds and singles where you are!

 

[Common Sense]

It's something I didn't think about untill I read these posts. I didn't wounder how you felt, I did know you were not second class and had as much to contribute to the Church as anyone else. Many things apply to having a great Church and not just for the single folks. We must make everyone feel welcome, let them know they can be helpfull because of experiences from the past or something they are going thru at this time. Every Christian attending a Chuch has something to contribute and they must have the opportunity to use that gift God gave them or their in the wrong Church. Everyone problems and questions are serious and not to be taken lightly. God Bless.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Shoot I get the feeling I shouldn't have said what I did here about singleness. Didn't seem to take very well or people just can't relate
I'm usually never so blunt but then this is topic I have strong feelings about and my situation is so very different than like 98% of people.

I wanted to share what it really is like for some people and to be dead honest about it, knowing that there are many walks of life and therefore not just one kind of single either.


SusanJill, when you give your talk to the church ladies at your church about singleness, if you ever come across or meet the rare species of a single 35+ year old woman, never married and no kids, let her know she is not alone

One thing I've discovered about us singles is that we're out there, but scattered and fragmented (and who go to different churches in one city) and never get a chance to meet one another or know there are more of us out there because in the christian arena, there often isn't a group at a lot of churches, or ways for them to meet because it seems like christian single older (30's and older)adults often get ignored or people just don't think it's an issue to address.

I really hope it goes well and is fruitful, bringing understanding to lessen the disconnect between the marrieds and singles where you are!

Javanwarbler, I totally can empathize with your previous post and I think it needed to be "heard". I'm glad you were "dead honest" because that's what we are here, hopefully. Even though it might seem that there aren't any like you, there is YOU and that is important, especially to God. I still have not figured out my destiny, now that my husband is with the Lord, but I plug along and seek Him daily, hoping to realize and fulfill my destiny, that He placed me on this earth for.

Susan, the part I bolded and colored above should be definitely part of your "message". We ALL, no matter what life we lead, at some time or another feel alone. Singles might feel it more strongly than married people, old people might feel it more than younger people, but we ALL have times in our lives that we feel alone. But we are not alone! That's the good news. And maybe, since you said it was maybe going to be a discussion rather than you talking, have part of the discussion to come up with ideas that would make the single ladies not feel so alone. Ask them what they would want. What would help them? Just a suggesion.