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Back together after a separation

Techbot

blah, blah, blah...
Sep 1, 2003
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This should be a happy ending, but it still has some tangles that I'm working through and I'm hoping someone can lend advice.

My wife decided in September 2003 that we should separate. She told me she was no longer in love, she cared for me as a friend, but that was it. Even the fact that we have two preschool daughters didn't matter. That in fact was MY anchor. I'd been in turmoil over her for the past few years but held on believing that we had started a family and needed to see it through.
I went to my parents house where I sat day after day missing my babies. I got a new job on the other side of town which came with a house as part of the salary. Things were looking up for me. Then my wife called crying one night...she had gotten behind in her bills and her lights were off. I told her to pack her stuff and come to my new house. My little girls were estatic. They got to live with me again.

Here's where my problem comes in...my in-laws came to help her move some stuff one evening. My father in law and I were left alone while she went with her mom up to the store. We were in the backyard when he told me, "You KNOW you're lucky don't you?" Of course I am, I got my family back, but I asked what he meant. "You got a second chance with her, I don't think you deserved it."

This floored me!! He has NO idea of what went on. My wife wasn't unfaithful (that she's told me) but she DID do some VERY questionable stuff that made me uncomfortable. She kissed a few of her male friends, even took a week of vacation and instead of staying in town with me and her children she went to another state where she met a male friend of hers from online. She stayed at his house for the week.
Someone tell me I'm not crazy...this would be a SERIOUS infraction in any marriage, yet I'm now looked at like the cause of our separation.

In a fight here recently she made mention that her dad was soooo right about me. I asked if her dad knew what she had done to which her eyes flamed up and she said "NO and he never will. You won't tell him." So this means I get to shoulder the fault of our separation...
 

wheels4Christ

Repenting Sinner
Mar 30, 2004
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Hi brother,

While I share your joy in techincally having your wife and kids back... I also share your concern about current situation. Yes, it doesn't sound very ideal. Although all marriages are different... it should resemble some sort of mutual respect and understanding.

Techbot said:
This should be a happy ending, but it still has some tangles that I'm working through and I'm hoping someone can lend advice.
there's no such thing as a happy ending until the Second Coming. *pray Jesus comes soon* All those fairy tales we see with the prince and princess getting married... guess what? the movie don't show the day after ;)

The truth is, all relationship must be constantly worked on. When one member falters, unless the other picks up slack, it is on way to doomsville. In some instances, load is way to heavy for one person to carry.

She told me she was no longer in love, she cared for me as a friend, but that was it.
Yep I feel for you brother. I am currently in this situation. I just can not fanthom the concept of "falling out of love" with my wife. Sure in high school, girl friends came and go... but this is M-A-R-R-I-A-G-E. Only God's grace is holding me and leading me to the correct path. So far, I am holding on to our vows for her sake.

My wife wasn't unfaithful (that she's told me)

Remember Jesus said just looking at another with lust is committing adultery.
And I applause you if you can believe her.

but she DID do some VERY questionable stuff that made me uncomfortable. She kissed a few of her male friends, even took a week of vacation and instead of staying in town with me and her children she went to another state where she met a male friend of hers from online. She stayed at his house for the week.

Easy. This is wrong in the context of a marriage. Heck, even in a seperation since divorce is not declared.

Someone tell me I'm not crazy...this would be a SERIOUS infraction in any marriage, yet I'm now looked at like the cause of our separation.
Brother, YOU are not crazy. Just a loving fool. God bless you accordingly.

So this means I get to shoulder the fault of our separation...
Only if you choose to. You can put everything on the table for all to see and risk your marriage or hold it secretively. She knows she is wrong. It is not healthy in a relationship but hey... like I said, it all depends if you want to keep marriage.

Not in same class of your situation but once my wife smashed our brand new Hummer 2003. For the next 3 months while driving it before it got fix, I said I crashed it (it was during heavy snow season... why fix it when it could happen again?) She knew she did it. HEck, she even encouraged jokes when friends teased me.

You pick your battle wisely. God Bless.
 
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grace4sds

grace4sds
Apr 10, 2004
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I'm sorry you are dealing with so much.

First of all how does your in-laws know so much about your marriage?

Have you ever went to any christian marriage counseling? Communication seems to be a key problem here. It seems like there is not enough honest communication between you and your wife and too much communication with the in-laws who don't even know the whole situation. Your wife for some reason seems to be talking to your in-laws about your marriage and things that she should be talking to you about. Why is that?

A marriage always takes two to make it work. We all need to first look at ourselves and change what needs to be changed there first. It sounds like she has some hidden issues with you also that maybe has brought her to this point. But, she is not for some reason feeling comfortable enough to talk to you.

I would suggest some marriage counseling to work on these issues and some honest communication. If she is not willing to do this than work on these things on your own. Also, let her know that you will listen, romance her by sending flowers, cooking her a meal, let her know how special she is to you, etc...put your feelings and words into action. Sacrificial love. Most of all, Pray together.

I will pray for you and your wife that everything works out.

Blessings!
 
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Techbot

blah, blah, blah...
Sep 1, 2003
848
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Houston,TX area
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Faith
Christian
To try to shed further light on this...during our marriage she was diagnosed as being borderline bi-polar. She was on meds for awhile, but said they made her feel floaty and so she got off of them.
grace, she doesn't talk to the inlaws much about this stuff...she's a very closed person when it comes to personal stuff like that, even with her family.
somehow she is under the impression that her dad beat her when she was little. from the descriptions she's given me, he merely spanked her behind like every one of the millions of other parents. but in her young mind, she believed he was beating her and its stuck to this day. what does that have to do with "us"? lots.
i cook dinner 99% of the time in this household. i was cooking one night and we were arguing (no surprise there). i turned to the side as she was yelling and reached for the pan on the stove that i was using. she shreiked and cringed like i was going to hit her with the pan!! for petes sake i've NEVER been a violent person in all my life. i wouldn't hit my worst enemy with that (unless he was somehow trying to harm my family) but she seriously thought i was going to hit her with that pan. she's also made other comments here and there that instantly remind me of how she talks about her dad. i've brought up - in the heat of argument...which isn't the best place - that i'm NOT her dad and to quit thinking of me as such and we could move beyond this.
 
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