Attraction to a Non-Believer, Need Counseling

[Jack99]

Hello everyone,


I have a situation for which I could really use some solid advice based on Christian doctrine and not worldly "feel good" principles that seem in fashion today.


I'm in grad school right now, but I've fallen head over heels for a girl who is a non-believer. I took the advice of a fellow Christian friend from many years back and stopped studying with her. I even took it upon myself on a couple of occasions to avoid her when I felt that her being around would only make me stumble in my heart.

I thought things would just pan through over time and she'd just forget about me since we weren't all that close. Before I started following my friend's advice, I'd just been studying with her for a month and had been hanging out with her and her friends on 3 different occasions. Note that we really weren't all that close. Just playmates, though she DID do a fair amount of flirting in the beginning.

I don't know whether I've angered her or hurt her feelings. I'm afraid she may have recently witnessed me leaving the library room as soon as she entered it. I've also on a few occasions randomly caught her looking over at me until I look back at her. I'm pretty sure she's not interested, as she's lately been a bit distant too.


What exactly should I do now? I'm beginning to wonder whether I've hurt her feelings by avoiding her on and off. I recognize that my infatuation isn't really something that glorifies God, and I've taken the first step to really get myself out of it. I had a non-believing friend advise me to confront her and tell her my situation. Problem is my grad school is like a small town--it's just 3 buildings with a small student body. Gossip travels fast, and I'm always wary of what I do/say daily as I expect many of my classmates to be my future colleagues. I'd really like to avoid the route of confronting her directly about this as I don't see it ending well!


What is the Christian male's path in this regard? What do I do? I don't really have strong sources of accountability where I am.

 

[lutherangerman]

Hey Brother, I know how you feel. Been there too. I was really infatuated with a girl, and then I discovered christianity while she remained an atheist. It was not easy. Somehow I could not or did not allow myself to be reasonable. I thought about this girl all the time and could not see other girls anymore. Some philosophers and authors call this a love mania, a love psychosis. Our society doesn't help ... it either teaches that romantic love is the biggest bliss you can find, or it is cynical and says it doesn't matter, only money matters. But one thing is sure, even love must listen to wisdom, and it must be godly wisdom. I finally began to concentrate on my life again and on my relationships with friends and family and found they were more important than this girl. I began to think of the times when I denied myself happiness and good experiences and just shut myself in with the love/infatuation/mania thing. I began to feel it is pretty much a waste of time. What helped somewhat was to pray for this girl. Prayer is a sincere thing which sobers, so in prayer I found that this girl's unbelief and also her cynicism were not good, and that a believing christian, if he doesn't stay single which is easiest, needs a partner who is faithful to God too. If God is in both of them in a couple, then things have a good order, there can be peace and harmony. But if this is not the case, there can be suffering. Some people are easygoing and easily coexist with others, so it's different then even when there is no belief in one of them. For example, my mother is a christian while my dad was an atheist, but still they had a very good marriage and it was all good. My dad was a good father and always honored my mother and they never even had a crisis. But if a spouse is an atheist and does not have such a social and docile nature, then there can be huge problems. Sometimes it's better to just stay single, until you really meet someone where everything fits. And infatuation, as pleasant as it can be, it's not a state of mind you want to be in forever, because it's unreasonable. If two lovers are infatuated with each other and think this will go on forever, they will likely be in for some tough surprises. And if only one of them is infatuated and the other stays more sober, he or she will think the other is unloving and accuse him or her of lack of affection and understanding and everything. Real love is in the faithfulness, in the patient comradeship, in the creative togetherness, in the reliable mutual support. I think a girl that is worth considering isn't a fling but shows that she can be relied on, and that she can wait a bit so that the guy can get to know her for real, to find out if they're really compatible.

So just examine clearly. Let reason kick in, not just infatuation. If the girl doesn't move past reason, see it as a stopping sign. Those who defy wisdom usually pay for it. God can and does still have pity and grace, but the damage will be done.

 

[Life2Christ]

Does she know you are a devout Christian? Maybe she doesn't. Stand your ground and if she's strong enough to be with you she will adjust. The only reason to stay away from her is if she is not down with your spiritual beliefs. Tell her you do like her but because of your love for Jesus, you feel that this relationship is not compatible. Does she understand this or are you two playing cat & mouse with each other?

I'm currently attracted to a non-believer too. But my situation is easy in that he flirts with me and I do not flirt back. I can just stay away from him.

 

[TigerKanga]

Is she a good person who would make a good wife? I would pick such a person over many women who would not make a good wife yet label themselves as Christian. A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.-Old dead guy named Willy.

 

[Peripatetic]

It sounds like you've already done the hard part - distancing yourself and now she has taken the hint. Your best bet at this point is probably to move on. It would be best to avoid sending a bunch of mixed signals. As a general rule, I believe that Christians should socialize with non-Christians. But when you are "head over heals" for someone, your emotions may lead you astray.

 

[Jack99]

Is she a good person who would make a good wife? I would pick such a person over many women who would not make a good wife yet label themselves as Christian. A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.-Old dead guy named Willy.

I don't want to sound rude, but let me clarify. I don't intend to ever date or marry a nonchristian and your post really isn't that helpful as it advocates the very doctrine I spoke against in my opening post.

 

[Jack99]

Does she know you are a devout Christian? Maybe she doesn't. Stand your ground and if she's strong enough to be with you she will adjust. The only reason to stay away from her is if she is not down with your spiritual beliefs. Tell her you do like her but because of your love for Jesus, you feel that this relationship is not compatible. Does she understand this or are you two playing cat & mouse with each other?

I'm currently attracted to a non-believer too. But my situation is easy in that he flirts with me and I do not flirt back. I can just stay away from him.

Nope, we're not in any kind of close relationship.d

I think my problem is my infatuation is clouding my judgment.

Thanks for the advice. The cat and mouse dynamic kind of cuts it close--I'm going to avoid playing the game with her for sure because it's only going to make me stumble!

 

[Jack99]

It sounds like you've already done the hard part - distancing yourself and now she has taken the hint. Your best bet at this point is probably to move on. It would be best to avoid sending a bunch of mixed signals. As a general rule, I believe that Christians should socialize with non-Christians. But when you are "head over heals" for someone, your emotions may lead you astray.

Emotions. Sometimes I find them rather inconvenient. Yeah, you're probably right. I'll have to keep this in mind.

 

[Jack99]

So just examine clearly. Let reason kick in, not just infatuation. If the girl doesn't move past reason, see it as a stopping sign. Those who defy wisdom usually pay for it. God can and does still have pity and grace, but the damage will be done.

[Redacted so it doesn't take up so much scrolling space]

Thanks a lot. This post really provides some perspective. Really needed it.

I'm going to favorite this thread and go throughout my day praising the Lord.

 

[E.C.]

Is she a good person who would make a good wife? I would pick such a person over many women who would not make a good wife yet label themselves as Christian. A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.-Old dead guy named Willy.

Worth repeating.

I don't want to sound rude, but let me clarify. I don't intend to ever date or marry a nonchristian and your post really isn't that helpful as it advocates the very doctrine I spoke against in my opening post.

Did you ever consider the fact that maybe she could become a Christian by your example and not your judgmentalism? It is very possible with people in general.

At the very least, IMHO, you owe her an honest explanation as to why you quit studying.

As for advice: get over your notion of never dating a non-Christian. If she has a good heart and a good soul than that is more than what most Christian women have.

 

[Jack99]

Worth repeating.


Did you ever consider the fact that maybe she could become a Christian by your example and not your judgmentalism? It is very possible with people in general.

At the very least, IMHO, you owe her an honest explanation as to why you quit studying.

As for advice: get over your notion of never dating a non-Christian. If she has a good heart and a good soul than that is more than what most Christian women have.

Any Christian male worth his salt knows better. I don't want to turn this into a flame war, but why don't you get over the notion that relationships and marriage are all about just how you feel and whether a person is "good" based on whatever arbitrary, fluid standard you go by? Either you're not a true believer, or you're sadly mistaken by the ideologies this world pushes upon us. That line of thinking is for those who worship the religion of Oprah Winfrey. Sorry, but that's just the truth.


I don't think it's any coincidence the responses to my opening post are divided between those based on solid Bibilical principles and those that are watered down.

However, it's by God's good graces there are a few good people in this world who take Godly wisdom to heart. I'm truly inspired by some of these posts. As a believer in a city in which Christian accountability isn't easy to come across, this is truly a comfort.

 

[Life2Christ]

Any Christian male worth his salt knows better. I don't want to turn this into a flame war, but why don't you get over the notion that relationships and marriage are all about just how you feel and whether a person is "good" based on whatever arbitrary, fluid standard you go by? Either you're not a true believer, or you're sadly mistaken by the ideologies this world pushes upon us. That line of thinking is for those who worship the religion of Oprah Winfrey. Sorry, but that's just the truth.

Thank you for writing that. Good reminder for us all.

 

[E.C.]

Any Christian male worth his salt knows better. I don't want to turn this into a flame war, but why don't you get over the notion that relationships and marriage are all about just how you feel and whether a person is "good" based on whatever arbitrary, fluid standard you go by? Either you're not a true believer, or you're sadly mistaken by the ideologies this world pushes upon us. That line of thinking is for those who worship the religion of Oprah Winfrey. Sorry, but that's just the truth.


I don't think it's any coincidence the responses to my opening post are divided between those based on solid Bibilical principles and those that are watered down.

However, it's by God's good graces there are a few good people in this world who take Godly wisdom to heart. I'm truly inspired by some of these posts. As a believer in a city in which Christian accountability isn't easy to come across, this is truly a comfort.

I simply believe it is pure arrogance to say "You are not good enough to date me because you are not a Christian" without even giving the pure girl a chance. Perhaps it is not because she doesn't want to, but maybe it is because she did not have the opportunity to know Christ; you may never know.

I'll just leave it at that.

 

[forGod1]

Introduce her to the bible, ask her to sincerely wish to find out if Jesus is real, have her ask Jesus into her heart, have Jesus do the rest..

If she isn't interested, or seems put off and arrogant, it won't matter. See if she's open to it and go from there.

 

[laconicstudent]

I simply believe it is pure arrogance to say "You are not good enough to date me because you are not a Christian" without even giving the pure girl a chance. Perhaps it is not because she doesn't want to, but maybe it is because she did not have the opportunity to know Christ; you may never know.

I'll just leave it at that.

I agree. Nobody was ever saved by being treated like a bio-hazard by Christians.

 

[Jack99]

Introduce her to the bible, ask her to sincerely wish to find out if Jesus is real, have her ask Jesus into her heart, have Jesus do the rest..

If she isn't interested, or seems put off and arrogant, it won't matter. See if she's open to it and go from there.

I'm sorry, but it's not my time or calling to be trying to convert her, especially if I'm only doing it out of an attraction to her.

Don't you find something self-serving in your suggestion? I don't know, but my impression is that evangelizing is supposed to be done out of a heart of compassion. I, for one, am not really qualified to do so because I don't consider myself spiritually mature enough to do so. And I certainly don't believe it's appropriate to be trying to evangelize just to people I find attractive or interesting.

Maybe I'm just different. But that motive bothers me.

 

[Rhombus]

I agree that Christians should not date non-Christians. If you're going to enter in a relationship with someone, your main priorities should be similar. Christ is before anything else in our lives, and if our partner does not have that mind-set then you're welcoming a whole lot of unnecessary hardships. Like some others said, if you're honestly interested in her, as a FRIEND, you should try to help her meet Jesus Christ personally so that she may be saved. If she does accept Him, and become a Christian for her own sake and not for your sake, then a relationship is much more realistic and i'd say more acceptable.

 

[Jack99]

I agree that Christians should not date non-Christians. If you're going to enter in a relationship with someone, your main priorities should be similar. Christ is before anything else in our lives, and if our partner does not have that mind-set then you're welcoming a whole lot of unnecessary hardships. Like some others said, if you're honestly interested in her, as a FRIEND, you should try to help her meet Jesus Christ personally so that she may be saved. If she does accept Him, and become a Christian for her own sake and not for your sake, then a relationship is much more realistic and i'd say more acceptable.

I like the way you put it better. I'm all for helping my friends meet Christ when the time and circumstances are right.

And I'm also at loss for words. Isn't this supposed to be a thread for Christians? Why is it that half the advice here is proffered by people who clearly aren't speaking out of inspiration from the Word? Why do I get the impression that people here are just tooting their own horns and saying it's perfectly fine to date nonChristians? What's next? That it's perfectly fine to sleep with nonChristians if it'll get them closer to God?

This may sound like a slippery slope, but I've seen it go down this path, and quite frankly, I would not recommend this thread for fellow Christians.

 

[TigerKanga]

I don't want to sound rude, but let me clarify. I don't intend to ever date or marry a nonchristian and your post really isn't that helpful as it advocates the very doctrine I spoke against in my opening post.

Then take all that hostility and address it to your current situation. No matter how great this girl is she simply does not qualify to be with you based on your standards. Evidently whatever it is about her that you are attracted to is not enough in your eyes. There are plenty of ladies out there who identify themselves as Christian for you to meet and marry. Have a ball. Don't spend too much time wondering about the ones that got away.

I'm sure she'll eventually meet a man who accepts her and loves her just as she is.

 

[christandisrael]

Pray about it. However, note that this relationship is okay...