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at the end of what i can take

heisrisen90

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I just wanted to vent

Im currently 27 and i have come to the realization that my mental state and medications i was on has ruined the hope i had of a normal life. I've been on meds for depression since 9th grade, the school basically forced me on ADD meds in the 5th which probably caused a lot of my issues initially. My entire life ive had mental difficulties but the last 7 months ive been off all meds and it has been such a difficult time it is utterly indescribable. Part of the problem is im in prolonged withdrawal from an anti-depressant. I have done so much research and i firmly believe that my brain has been physically injured from this.

some of my symptoms are.
1. extreme depression 2. extreme anxiety 3. mental confusion 4. fatigue 5. cry when i want to laugh, laugh when i want to cry/uncontrollable crying 6. no longer know who i am 7. painful physical symptoms 8. hypersensitivity to everything 9. had visual hallucinations 10. strong suicidal impulses 11. sometimes find myself rocking back and forth like a baby 12. can get pretty delusional

just to elaborate on some of them.

1. The depression. Multiple times i have gotten so depressed that i physically can not move my limbs. I have had to lie there for a while praying my heart out and using every bit of mental strength i could to try and move a toe or something and when i finally do i snap out of it and can move fine. (almost like sleep paralysis but ive been awake) a level of depression where the thought of suicide makes me feel much better

5.Uncontrollable crying/sometimes laugh when i want to cry, cry when i want to laugh. This is common in people in prolonged ssri(the type of med i was on) withdrawal. its called the Pseudobulbar affect. Apparently its common to have after major problems like strokes, heres a copy and paste from wiki about it.

"Pseudobulbar affect (PBA), or emotional incontinence, is a type of emotional disturbance characterized by uncontrollable episodes of crying and/or laughing, or other emotional displays. PBA occurs secondary to a neurologic disorder or brain injury"

6.No longer know who i am. every goal, desire, hope i had while on the med is pretty much the complete opposite now that im off. im a totally different person.

7.Physical symptoms. Sometimes just touching my skin or rubbing my hair is painful.

10.Hypersensitivity. Now some of you may think this is unbelievable but please listen im telling the truth. At one long period my brain was so hypersensitive that i could eat taco bell or a burger for example and i would get a pleasant euphoric rush about 30 mins afterwards that i could feel through my whole body

these are just a FEW of the symptoms ive had

I am at the ABSOLUTE end of what i can take(and i Deeply DEEPLY! mean that). i am SOOO DEEEPLY STRESSED(hair is falling out) and in SO MUCH PAIN! Everyday is a struggle to survive. I have prayed for hours at a time and wet my pillow with tears to the point i have no more to give and i fall asleep. I have prayed untill i become almost psychotic and cant put rational thought together and just start rambling. Sometimes all i can do is cry out to God, i feel bad the way i do this, you know the whole "But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do" ive told God im sorry but i cant do anything else but say please help me, God help me etc. and i repeat it forever. Do you think he doesn't appreciate that?

I feel there is no hope left in my life.
I have NEVER succeeded in A N Y T H I N G ive done.(name something? like my 6th grade education?) I know nothing but failure. I have never been happy, I have tried SO hard, SO HARD....I have tried so hard to seek God, to find some way to make this constant pain stop. If it wasnt for God and the question of where someone goes after suicide (i still believe heaven but..) i would have been gone a long time ago.

Im having a hard time reading the word. Im feeling mostly condemnation right now from it so im currently picking and choosing sermons and more inspirational verses to read. I feel like God is ashamed of me, my worst nightmare is seeing Jesus on that day and him being deeply dissapointed with me, that he had things planned for me but my STUPID mental issues cause me to miss them. I feel like God has rejected me like everyone else has and that hes given up on me.

Just pray for me that he would have mercy on my worthless self. For healing that he would gather all these broken pieces and mend them, Pray for a miracle. Pray i wouldn't rise to just fall again like i always do. and that he would protect me from my thoughts.

Lord,
Nothing in my hands i bring, simply to thy cross i cling
 

Llleopard

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I am crying for you right now. Every time I have tried to get off ssri I feel similar to you, and it feels like a bottomless well of hopelessness. Can you go back on the medication? I've accepted that I am on it for life, and found the lowest dose I can take and still stay sane. Could that work for You? You have so much courage and strength to get through each day - that is a wonderful achievement, and I know God sees it, truly understands what it costs you to keep staying alive, and looks on you with love not blame. Keep holding on 90, please don't give up.
 
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YesMe

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Do you remember the thief on the cross? He was close to his death but STILL, Jesus saved him right there, on the cross.If Jesus saved that man, how much He will save the rest of us? God is not ashamed with you, He is only ashamed with people who are ashamed with Him.Believe me, God appreciates every single thing that we do for Him, the need to pray comes also from Him, the desire to seek Him comes also from Him, so you are already in God's attention, just don't give up, that's not the answer.Do you remember Paul? Read about Him and you will understand his vision about suffering and how he used it to gain even more faith in God.

Jesus did not came to condemn, He came to save, so send away all the feelings of condemnation, this is a time of saving, God is not condemning!! <staff edit>

1 Peter 5:7 "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."

Give everything that disturbs your mind to God, just do it.You have to leave the past behind you, I know that depression is using it against you, but leave it behind, it's gone, remember Jesus's words:

Luke 9:62 Jesus replied, “No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.”

Isaiah 43:18 "Do not call to mind the former things, Or ponder things of the past."

Philippians 3:13-14: "Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."

Everything bad you feel about yourself is from the accuser, not from God, so, fight back against that voice who says so many untrue things about you.

I also suffer from depression, and this is one advice for you, listen to this conversation:

Voice: You are a failure, there's no need for you to life, you do no good to this world.
I: Why am I a failure? Who says that I am failure? You? Who are you to judge me? Only God can judge me and this is not a time for judgement!
Voice: Look at the past, what have you done?
I: The past is gone I can't do nothing to change it but I have the power to change the present moment and the future! I acknowledge all my sins and my mistakes, that's why I need God, He is my salvation! Jesus says that I have to leave it behind so this is what I do!
Voice: You are so alone, you will never have someone by your side, there's no one to love you!
I: You are so wrong, I am not alone, remember Jesus words: "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." ( Matthew 28:20) I have God by my side and He is the best friend I ever need.Jesus died for me, how can you say that there is no one to love me?

Just fight back and even more, use the WORD of God just like Jesus did in the desert, He was against the same VOICE who is the evil one.
 
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heisrisen90

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I am crying for you right now. Every time I have tried to get off ssri I feel similar to you, and it feels like a bottomless well of hopelessness. Can you go back on the medication? I've accepted that I am on it for life, and found the lowest dose I can take and still stay sane. Could that work for You? You have so much courage and strength to get through each day - that is a wonderful achievement, and I know God sees it, truly understands what it costs you to keep staying alive, and looks on you with love not blame. Keep holding on 90, please don't give up.

Im trying my hardest not to. Im so hypersensitive im pretty sure even if i took a small crumb of something it would put me into serotonin syndrome and cause even more problems. i was really dumb though i tapered from 40mg(celexa) down to 20mg over a month then jumped off at 20. I guess i thought "it cant be as bad as benzo withdrawal" boy was i wrong.

Thanks for the kind words:hug:
 
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Llleopard

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Im trying my hard est not to. Im so hypersensitive im pretty sure even if i took a small crumb of something it would put me into serotonin syndrome and cause even more problems. i was really dumb though i tapered from 40mg(celexa) down to 20mg over a month then jumped off at 20. I guess i thought "it cant be as bad as benzo withdrawal" boy was i wrong.

Thanks for the kind words:hug:
Far out you did try the hard way! Do you trust your Dr enough to talk it through yet again and see if they can help at all? It's all very well to say 'God says no ' (which I don't see in the bible anyhow) and different to be at the end of your tether. Hey, you got through another day btw. Victory! Keep getting into nature if you can, do something for others, and keep crying out to God. You're strong
 
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Kristen.NewCreation

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Please Note:

This thread has been cleaned and edited to remove posts that are off topic to the OP, that are discouraging the use of medication and that imply the only way to recovery is to pray.

Please read the Recovery guidelines and the Statement of Purpose in this forum before posting your first time here.

Thank you for being supportive.
 
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Noxot

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tbh I never implied at all that he should pray his pains away or avoid whatever things that would help him. I only said that in suffering it might even be a type of natural spiritual crying out to God and plus I was trying to comfort him away from his internal accusations and make him see that he is not being evil for simply praying to God in honesty.
 
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Jeshu

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It is horrible what you are experiencing have you tried alternatives to anti-depressants? i can't handle them either, though i know from a lot of people that they have helped them, not every one is so lucky.

Have you considered Vitamin D3, Zinc and 5-htp i use them daily and found that they help my depressive illness a lot. At least i don't have to be rock bottom 24/7 but get breaks at times.

Hoping you find something to help you with your illness.

About God being ashamed of you i would strongly suggest the opposite. you, like me and others on this forum, are survivors, for we cling to Him in time of need with everything we got. Keep doing that! Keep looking at Jesus and learning to distinguish Him as the Living word within. However don't think your depressive mind speaks the mind of God, far be it from that. He loves us true, you as well.

Much brotherly love your way


To God's Depressed Child,
To think less of yourself then God's own
Brings you much pain and suffering.
Your worth is an incredible high price
Also for you did Jesus die on the cross.

Depression is also what devil's lies brings inside
letting a low-self-esteem your good life rob
Untruths roaming freely through heart and mind
Evil lies extinguishing all happiness and fun.

His loving truth brings you His good life
While to believe lies brings pain and grief
So hold onto the promises Jesus made to you
and don't let Satan your good life squander.

Take hold of God's precious loving truth.
A life in Him stays safe from lies that hurt.
Jesus' truth will comfort your bleeding heart
Lovingly remaking your fallen life anew.
 
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