- Mar 9, 2018
- 13
- 18
- Country
- United States
- Gender
- Male
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Single
I just wanted to vent
Im currently 27 and i have come to the realization that my mental state and medications i was on has ruined the hope i had of a normal life. I've been on meds for depression since 9th grade, the school basically forced me on ADD meds in the 5th which probably caused a lot of my issues initially. My entire life ive had mental difficulties but the last 7 months ive been off all meds and it has been such a difficult time it is utterly indescribable. Part of the problem is im in prolonged withdrawal from an anti-depressant. I have done so much research and i firmly believe that my brain has been physically injured from this.
some of my symptoms are.
1. extreme depression 2. extreme anxiety 3. mental confusion 4. fatigue 5. cry when i want to laugh, laugh when i want to cry/uncontrollable crying 6. no longer know who i am 7. painful physical symptoms 8. hypersensitivity to everything 9. had visual hallucinations 10. strong suicidal impulses 11. sometimes find myself rocking back and forth like a baby 12. can get pretty delusional
just to elaborate on some of them.
1. The depression. Multiple times i have gotten so depressed that i physically can not move my limbs. I have had to lie there for a while praying my heart out and using every bit of mental strength i could to try and move a toe or something and when i finally do i snap out of it and can move fine. (almost like sleep paralysis but ive been awake) a level of depression where the thought of suicide makes me feel much better
5.Uncontrollable crying/sometimes laugh when i want to cry, cry when i want to laugh. This is common in people in prolonged ssri(the type of med i was on) withdrawal. its called the Pseudobulbar affect. Apparently its common to have after major problems like strokes, heres a copy and paste from wiki about it.
"Pseudobulbar affect (PBA), or emotional incontinence, is a type of emotional disturbance characterized by uncontrollable episodes of crying and/or laughing, or other emotional displays. PBA occurs secondary to a neurologic disorder or brain injury"
6.No longer know who i am. every goal, desire, hope i had while on the med is pretty much the complete opposite now that im off. im a totally different person.
7.Physical symptoms. Sometimes just touching my skin or rubbing my hair is painful.
10.Hypersensitivity. Now some of you may think this is unbelievable but please listen im telling the truth. At one long period my brain was so hypersensitive that i could eat taco bell or a burger for example and i would get a pleasant euphoric rush about 30 mins afterwards that i could feel through my whole body
these are just a FEW of the symptoms ive had
I am at the ABSOLUTE end of what i can take(and i Deeply DEEPLY! mean that). i am SOOO DEEEPLY STRESSED(hair is falling out) and in SO MUCH PAIN! Everyday is a struggle to survive. I have prayed for hours at a time and wet my pillow with tears to the point i have no more to give and i fall asleep. I have prayed untill i become almost psychotic and cant put rational thought together and just start rambling. Sometimes all i can do is cry out to God, i feel bad the way i do this, you know the whole "But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do" ive told God im sorry but i cant do anything else but say please help me, God help me etc. and i repeat it forever. Do you think he doesn't appreciate that?
I feel there is no hope left in my life.
I have NEVER succeeded in A N Y T H I N G ive done.(name something? like my 6th grade education?) I know nothing but failure. I have never been happy, I have tried SO hard, SO HARD....I have tried so hard to seek God, to find some way to make this constant pain stop. If it wasnt for God and the question of where someone goes after suicide (i still believe heaven but..) i would have been gone a long time ago.
Im having a hard time reading the word. Im feeling mostly condemnation right now from it so im currently picking and choosing sermons and more inspirational verses to read. I feel like God is ashamed of me, my worst nightmare is seeing Jesus on that day and him being deeply dissapointed with me, that he had things planned for me but my STUPID mental issues cause me to miss them. I feel like God has rejected me like everyone else has and that hes given up on me.
Just pray for me that he would have mercy on my worthless self. For healing that he would gather all these broken pieces and mend them, Pray for a miracle. Pray i wouldn't rise to just fall again like i always do. and that he would protect me from my thoughts.
Lord,
Nothing in my hands i bring, simply to thy cross i cling
Im currently 27 and i have come to the realization that my mental state and medications i was on has ruined the hope i had of a normal life. I've been on meds for depression since 9th grade, the school basically forced me on ADD meds in the 5th which probably caused a lot of my issues initially. My entire life ive had mental difficulties but the last 7 months ive been off all meds and it has been such a difficult time it is utterly indescribable. Part of the problem is im in prolonged withdrawal from an anti-depressant. I have done so much research and i firmly believe that my brain has been physically injured from this.
some of my symptoms are.
1. extreme depression 2. extreme anxiety 3. mental confusion 4. fatigue 5. cry when i want to laugh, laugh when i want to cry/uncontrollable crying 6. no longer know who i am 7. painful physical symptoms 8. hypersensitivity to everything 9. had visual hallucinations 10. strong suicidal impulses 11. sometimes find myself rocking back and forth like a baby 12. can get pretty delusional
just to elaborate on some of them.
1. The depression. Multiple times i have gotten so depressed that i physically can not move my limbs. I have had to lie there for a while praying my heart out and using every bit of mental strength i could to try and move a toe or something and when i finally do i snap out of it and can move fine. (almost like sleep paralysis but ive been awake) a level of depression where the thought of suicide makes me feel much better
5.Uncontrollable crying/sometimes laugh when i want to cry, cry when i want to laugh. This is common in people in prolonged ssri(the type of med i was on) withdrawal. its called the Pseudobulbar affect. Apparently its common to have after major problems like strokes, heres a copy and paste from wiki about it.
"Pseudobulbar affect (PBA), or emotional incontinence, is a type of emotional disturbance characterized by uncontrollable episodes of crying and/or laughing, or other emotional displays. PBA occurs secondary to a neurologic disorder or brain injury"
6.No longer know who i am. every goal, desire, hope i had while on the med is pretty much the complete opposite now that im off. im a totally different person.
7.Physical symptoms. Sometimes just touching my skin or rubbing my hair is painful.
10.Hypersensitivity. Now some of you may think this is unbelievable but please listen im telling the truth. At one long period my brain was so hypersensitive that i could eat taco bell or a burger for example and i would get a pleasant euphoric rush about 30 mins afterwards that i could feel through my whole body
these are just a FEW of the symptoms ive had
I am at the ABSOLUTE end of what i can take(and i Deeply DEEPLY! mean that). i am SOOO DEEEPLY STRESSED(hair is falling out) and in SO MUCH PAIN! Everyday is a struggle to survive. I have prayed for hours at a time and wet my pillow with tears to the point i have no more to give and i fall asleep. I have prayed untill i become almost psychotic and cant put rational thought together and just start rambling. Sometimes all i can do is cry out to God, i feel bad the way i do this, you know the whole "But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do" ive told God im sorry but i cant do anything else but say please help me, God help me etc. and i repeat it forever. Do you think he doesn't appreciate that?
I feel there is no hope left in my life.
I have NEVER succeeded in A N Y T H I N G ive done.(name something? like my 6th grade education?) I know nothing but failure. I have never been happy, I have tried SO hard, SO HARD....I have tried so hard to seek God, to find some way to make this constant pain stop. If it wasnt for God and the question of where someone goes after suicide (i still believe heaven but..) i would have been gone a long time ago.
Im having a hard time reading the word. Im feeling mostly condemnation right now from it so im currently picking and choosing sermons and more inspirational verses to read. I feel like God is ashamed of me, my worst nightmare is seeing Jesus on that day and him being deeply dissapointed with me, that he had things planned for me but my STUPID mental issues cause me to miss them. I feel like God has rejected me like everyone else has and that hes given up on me.
Just pray for me that he would have mercy on my worthless self. For healing that he would gather all these broken pieces and mend them, Pray for a miracle. Pray i wouldn't rise to just fall again like i always do. and that he would protect me from my thoughts.
Lord,
Nothing in my hands i bring, simply to thy cross i cling