I have been a Christian for over 20 years, but I'm also the type of person who questions and looks at other points of view to try and get a fuller understanding. I have been born again, and I have rededicated my life to Christ several times at critical points in my life. So now that you know a little bit about me, here's where I'm at now:
I don't know for certain whether it's all true or not. I don't know if there is an afterlife - I think that there probably is - and I don't know whether the Bible can be completely trusted in its entirety - I think that we can but I'm just not certain. I have tried to live my life according to the Bible and I do believe that Jesus died for my sins - if it's all true.
I've been thinking about this issue and come to use the terms "insurance" and "assurance" to describe my problem. Jesus is my insurance policy. If I get to the end of my life and it turns out there's no afterlife, that's okay because I tried to be moral and generally live a good life according to what was written in the Bible. However, if it turns out that there IS an afterlife, I have trusted in Jesus my entire life and so I know that I'm going to be in heaven with him. So, it's what I have come to call and "insurance policy." If something bad happens, then I'm covered. There are obvious moral and theological problems with this, but I'm just being honest that this is where I'm stuck at right now.
On the other hand, someone who has the "assurance of salvation" is completely convinced that there is a heaven and a hell. They believe 100% that Jesus did die to pay for sins and save souls from hell, and they believe 100% that anyone who dies without being born again will not be going to heaven. I'm just not there yet - I'd say there's a pretty good chance that there's a heaven and a hell, and that most likely if you aren't born again that you won't be going to heaven. I'm just not all in.
Has anyone been here before that can help me out? Is there anyone with me here? Thanks.
You made it clear that you aren't sure, if I understand you correctly. And, you confess that you see Jesus as your insurance policy (which reminds me of Pascal's wager).
Before God woke me up, I was so ignorant, I didn't care. I'd go to church when convenient simply because it was what I grew up in, but I didn't really believe NOR did I invest any time trying to read the difficult to read book. As a mainliner, I was taught to run away if someone claimed to be born-again. I was told they were all crazy. So, when I had to room with someone who said he was born again for a 6-week initial training for a pharmaceutical company, I basically told him that "we will get along great as long as his born again thing doesn't cross over to my side of the room." And, it didn't, so I was fully able to be involved in an adulterous affair (by Jesus' definition) and had no remorse. Yet, if you had asked me, I would have told you I was a Christian back then. About 2 years later, I was "tricked" into teaching Sunday school. With no Bible knowledge, feeling stuck, and not wanting to quit, I became desperate enough to get on my knees and say "God, if you are real, you got me into this mess. You are gonna have to help me." I wasn't expecting anything and I could easily argue that everything that happened could easily be argued as something that "I did," so I won't try to claim otherwise with you. BUT,
In March after making an honest confession about my lack of knowledge of the Scriptures, I felt I needed to get a New Testament on CD. I was embarrassed at first and hid the Bible under all my work stuff, so nobody knew I was listening. I never would have done that for the self-help sales tapes I listened to, but I did for the Bible. Once I got it, I started listening and the more I listened, the more I was drawn to listen and read along (when I wasn't driving). In a sense, I became addicted to the Word of God. In that same sense, I still am today. I have just as much hunger to hear the Word of God as I did back then. By the time, I went away to a business meeting in May, I was listening every moment I could. At the business meeting, I started listening while I slept as well. And, God woke me up. It is like He blessed me to know without questioning that He is real and that He woke me up. He didn't have to threaten me with hell. Just having Him choose to wake me up to Him was good enough for me. And it has been an amazing ride, not without costs; but, what cost isn't worth knowing the One who holds everyone's eternity--including my own and the eternity of the ones I love?
The atheist who responded to your message may say "ah-hah, that proves my point, he's brainwashed." I'm not going to argue here. I'm only going to report what happened to me. I can't make anyone choose Him. He wants willing worshippers, not forced or threatened people who don't really want Him.
Immediately when He woke me up, I had this incredible sense of peace, a joy that transcended any unhappy circumstances that happened, an unquenchable thirst for knowledge and Truth, an absolute unquestionable certainty about the existence of the God and Father of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, a certainty regarding the absolute Truth of God's Word, and a shift in priorities from God being somewhere near the bottom to God being first priority--even if it costs me all my other priorities.
I still have a peace that transcends whatever happens. So, if I don't worry about things that most men would, because I know God has my back (though I also must acknowledge that I know that it doesn't always turn out the way I think it should). It is just a deep deep sense of peace that I'm in good hands regardless what happens around me or even to me here. I also have a joy that isn't fazed even when I'm going through an unhappy situation. Doesn't mean I have a glued-on smile and doesn't mean that I am always in touch with that joy in the midst of frustration; but it is a joy that is ever ready to bubble out as soon as I slow down enough to get over myself. And, it happens that quickly. And, I continue to have an unquenchable thirst for knowledge and Truth which for me is nourished by Scripture. In fact, I'm listening as I write this. Though my wife doesn't want to hear it, I look forward to the day God calls me home, because I look forward to being with Him in a way that we just can't be here. Doesn't mean I'm suicidal. I'm not trying to leave; but I'm not afraid to leave either. I don't have to fear death. Again, I have that deep deep peace, because I know where I am going when I leave this place. Thanks be to God!
In light of all this, all I can say is what the person said about "diligently seeking Him" is true. I didn't have someone to tell me that and even if they did, I probably wouldn't have believed them; because I would have thought it to be wasted time back when I was "of the world". Consider asking Him to show you that He is real and that He loves you and ask Him to help you find Him. Then start reading or listening for understanding, not just to say you got through it. God looks at the heart. He knows who genuinely wants to know Him and who is just willing to go through the motions with no patience to see it through. God doesn't do things on our time schedule. He does them on His time schedule. I would encourage you not to get off the train until God wakes you up.
The insurance plan is a deception to make people feel falsely safe when they aren't. If Jesus was only an add-on in someone's life--not the #1 priority in their life--they won't be in heaven.
I would just encourage you to give God an opportunity to show you; but you will have to do your part, too, when you feel the leading.
