Asking forgiveness from ex-boyfriend

[amguen]

Hi. I recently encountered an ex-boyfriend while on Facebook. About 15 years ago, before I was a Christian, I had been dating him (I'll call him Max) while simultaneously dating somebody else. Max dropped in on me one day while the other guy was at my place and quickly figured out what was going on. That was the last I'd seen or communicated with him until this week. I have over the years thought back on that day and felt terrible about it, wishing I could apologize to him somehow. Now that we've reconnected on FB, I'm wondering if I should dig up what happened so long ago and ask forgiveness. I don't know if he was a Christian then, but he is now.


My biggest concern is that he is single (never married) and I am married. Would it be inappropriate to contact him about this? I hesitate to say anything to my husband because he can be very paranoid and jealous with regards to me and other guys. Before having children, he used to be very jealous of the men I worked with, simply because they got to be around me when he couldn't. To give a little background on my husband, when he was 12 years old, his mother ran away from him, his brothers and father. They didn’t hear a word from her for several weeks, but when they did, she said she thought they should stay with their dad and she’d go on living with the guy she was with. Ever since then, he's had a general mistrust of women. For the first few years of our marriage, he would get very upset if I didn't answer the phone at home when he expected me to be there, thinking I was with another man. Thankfully, after many reassurances, we are past that, but he does still show signs of mistrust at times. I know that according to the first part of this message it may sound like I am one who may be easily tempted to fall into multiple relationships simultaneously, but that occurrence was the first and last of its kind.


What should I do?

 

[joey_downunder]

Personally I wouldn't have contacted him online even if your husband didn't have trust issues but that is just overcautious "I need my personal space" me.

However since you have you could write a very simple "I am sorry that I did not tell you I was dating someone else at the same time....", maybe a couple of sentences ONLY - and leave it at that.

No dissection of your relationship, no discussion about deep and meaningful issues, no talk of how heart-broken he must have been because of your "betrayal" (from his point of view). That could renew his pain, and it reawaken what feelings you did have for him at the time. Let sleeping dogs lie.

Years ago I did all those stupid discussions with an ex-boyfriend and because of that we disastrously got back together several times. Don't make the same mistake OK?

 

[Bulucheke]

You have reconnected, there is an "issue" between the two of you . . . it is in your hands to make it right.

Matthew 5

23`If, therefore, thou mayest bring thy gift to the altar, and there mayest remember that thy brother hath anything against thee,
24leave there thy gift before the altar, and go -- first be reconciled to thy brother, and then having come bring thy gift.

 

[FallenPaladin]

Usually when married women contact single men on facebook they end up having sex with them. This is from personal experience of a few friends I know. I suppose the Christian advice would be to involve your husband in your communications with this single guy or to just leave the past to the past.

 

[Verticordious]

First you need to be sure of exactly why you're contacting this ex. If you really are just interested in apologizing and reconnecting with an old friend, or if it is something more. As long as you can handle being just friends with an ex, then I see no problem in doing so as long as you inform your husband about your intentions.

Some people, on the other hand, are not capable of being just friends with an ex. If your interest in reconnecting is something more than friendship, or if think that talking to this person again may tempt you to do something you know you shouldn't, then you're better off not contacting this person at all. You know yourself better than any of us do, I assume, so you're going to have to decide on your own whether you can handle it or not.

Lack of communication is usually the root cause of doing something inappropriate with an ex. Instead of talking about marriage issues with their spouse like they should, they talk to their ex about it and the two begin to start a more intimate relationship. So, just as some general advice, if you have any marital problems then discuss them with your spouse. If you spouse refuses to talk, then talk to a neutral party who you know you won't be tempted by.

Your husband having trust issues is something he needs to take care of. Based upon what you said, it seems his lack of trust in you is due to what other people in his life did, not any thing you did. If his lack of trust is a major inconvenience then he really needs to seek help from a professional to help him deal with it.

 

[FallenPaladin]

About your husband's trust issues. You said your ex caught you with another man. Maybe your husband knows about that or has suspicions about it. Sometimes we do things to make others jealous.

 

[amguen]

I certainly do not fall into the catagory of somebody who does something just to make somebody else jealous...especially when he already has struggles with trust issues. The "temptation" to get involved with the ex is not really an issue as we live in completely different areas of the country.

 

[CFDavid]

You still run the risk of committing emotional adultery, which can go anywhere.

Any time someone finds themselves telling someone something they haven't told their spouse, they should probably examine things. Intimacy is a very, very big deal.

 

[singpeace]

Hi. I recently encountered an ex-boyfriend while on Facebook. About 15 years ago, before I was a Christian, I had been dating him (I'll call him Max) while simultaneously dating somebody else. Max dropped in on me one day while the other guy was at my place and quickly figured out what was going on. That was the last I'd seen or communicated with him until this week. I have over the years thought back on that day and felt terrible about it, wishing I could apologize to him somehow. Now that we've reconnected on FB, I'm wondering if I should dig up what happened so long ago and ask forgiveness. I don't know if he was a Christian then, but he is now.


My biggest concern is that he is single (never married) and I am married. Would it be inappropriate to contact him about this? I hesitate to say anything to my husband because he can be very paranoid and jealous with regards to me and other guys. Before having children, he used to be very jealous of the men I worked with, simply because they got to be around me when he couldn't. To give a little background on my husband, when he was 12 years old, his mother ran away from him, his brothers and father. They didn’t hear a word from her for several weeks, but when they did, she said she thought they should stay with their dad and she’d go on living with the guy she was with. Ever since then, he's had a general mistrust of women. For the first few years of our marriage, he would get very upset if I didn't answer the phone at home when he expected me to be there, thinking I was with another man. Thankfully, after many reassurances, we are past that, but he does still show signs of mistrust at times. I know that according to the first part of this message it may sound like I am one who may be easily tempted to fall into multiple relationships simultaneously, but that occurrence was the first and last of its kind.


What should I do?

Just let it go. If he is a Christian, he has already forgiven you. Your first concern is to your husband and how he would feel about it. Even if his fears are unfounded, he has them and needs that security from you. I wouldn't speak to the old beau at all. Leave it be is my advice.

 

[homewardbound]

If you can't tell your husband about your contact with this person, just drop the issue and don't contact "Max" again. God knows your heart about this matter, and the safety of your marriage is far more important than how you feel about something that happened 15 years ago. If you think your husband has legitimate trust issues, you'd be doing him and your marriage a favor by giving Facebook a rest and spending time together.

 

[amguen]

Noted. Contact with ex shall cease.
I would like to say that those posting should be careful not to make too many assumptions about the person they're writing to. homewardbound makes it sound like I have a FB addiciton which couldn't be farther from the truth.

 

[amguen]

Usually when married women contact single men on facebook they end up having sex with them. This is from personal experience of a few friends I know. I suppose the Christian advice would be to involve your husband in your communications with this single guy or to just leave the past to the past.

Insinuating that facebook encounters lead to sex is a rather crass statement. You would be much better off stating that it could lead to an affair, which is the same idea, only much more diplomatic.

 

[FallenPaladin]

Insinuating that facebook encounters lead to sex is a rather crass statement. You would be much better off stating that it could lead to an affair, which is the same idea, only much more diplomatic.

With the guys I know it led to no strings sex, not anything so fancy as an affair. Maybe in your mind an affair is more palatable than no strings sex. If that is the case I apologize for how I put it. Unfortunately I am not up to speed on how others personally prefer to refer to such things.

 

[twins15]

Just let it go. If he is a Christian, he has already forgiven you. Your first concern is to your husband and how he would feel about it. Even if his fears are unfounded, he has them and needs that security from you. I wouldn't speak to the old beau at all. Leave it be is my advice.

Agreed with this.... if it was 15 years ago, Max has either already forgiven you and gotten over it.... the only thing this could do is open up old wounds and create new ones (with your husband)... just let it be, which it seems like you are content to do.

 

[homewardbound]

Noted. Contact with ex shall cease.
I would like to say that those posting should be careful not to make too many assumptions about the person they're writing to. homewardbound makes it sound like I have a FB addiciton which couldn't be farther from the truth.

Noooo...not a all, and I regret that you interpreted my response that way. That's the problem with this medium.

You're doing the right thing....'nuff said.

 

[FallenPaladin]

If you are bored and interested in apologizing to this fellow for the past, maybe its fate that you reconnect with him. After all, what could possibly go wrong?

 

[Orahh]

I think before you do anything, you need to pray for your husband and help him with the issue. If you think it would help, show your husband the messages you and the ex boyfriend send to put his mind at ease.
good luck

 

[PASTOR'S WIFE]

If you can't tell your husband about your contact with this person, just drop the issue and don't contact "Max" again. God knows your heart about this matter, and the safety of your marriage is far more important than how you feel about something that happened 15 years ago. If you think your husband has legitimate trust issues, you'd be doing him and your marriage a favor by giving Facebook a rest and spending time together.

AMEN!! Your marriage to your husband is more important than an apology to an old acquaintance. It would cause your husband to not trust you and could cause a mountain of problems for you and your family. He is fragile because of what happened with his mother. The devil could be laying a trap for you so please I encourage you to close your friendship to him on facebook. I would not want my husband to be talking to an ex girlfriend and we have been married 43 1/2 yrs. Neither would he want me to contact my ex's, so out of respect for him, I would never contact them.