Are you lazy in your marriage?

[musingsofacac]

My pastor preached a sermon on Sunday about being "intentional" in our lives as Christians. "being intentional" is our theme for the church this year.

He touched on key areas of our lives, work, home and church. Many people may be intentional in one or two of these areas, but we all struggle to be intentional in all these areas.

For instance we may be the best worker at work, but we are a lazy spouse or parent at home, or we could work hard at home and in our marriage, but care nothing about church.

Since this is a marriage forum I want to bring up the marriage aspect of this. In fact a couple years ago at our church couple's retreat the theme was "Being intentional in your marriage".

So for us men they asked:

Are you intentional about trying to talk with your wife, to try and relate to her on a regular basis?
Are you intentional in doing romantic things for your wife? Do you listen to and study what your wife likes and then do those things for her? Do you intentionally plan to do things for her, or is just randomly when you feel like it? Do you intentionally help her around the house(without her having to ask)? Do you plan and take her out on dates on a regular basis?

For women they asked:

Are you intentional toward your husband when comes to meeting his sexual needs? Do you surprise him in the way only his wife can? Are you intentional in keeping up your appearance for him or do you always wear sweats and tea shirt? Are you intentional in keeping up your home?

They also touched on the impact of careers. For many people(both men and women) they allow their career to become the focal point of their lives. Their church life suffers, their marriage suffers and their family suffers because of this imbalance.

They made a statement that really hit me hard - "Do apply the same energy and intentional effort and planning to your marriage and family as you do in your career?" I think the answer for many of us was no.

But then he did not leave it there - he said you can't just sit back go "oh well". You have to be intentional, and make a plan to fix those areas.

 

[moerunamida]

I'm sorry, but to me this sounds too much like the 50s. I'm only a good wife towards my husband if I: wear makeup everyday, burn all my sweatpants and t-shirts, keep the house spic and span, and lay on my back every time hubby wants a piece.

If I need to do reflecting on my marriage on what is working and what is not, I will pray to the One that matters and certainly talk to my husband. He's a t-shirt kind of guy and thinks I'm beautiful without the makeup anyways.

 

[ChristianGolfer]

I'm sorry, but to me this sounds too much like the 50s. I'm only a good wife towards my husband if I: wear makeup everyday, burn all my sweatpants and t-shirts, keep the house spic and span, and lay on my back every time hubby wants a piece.

If I need to do reflecting on my marriage on what is working and what is not, I will pray to the One that matters and certainly talk to my husband. He's a t-shirt kind of guy and thinks I'm beautiful without the makeup anyways.

Right? LOL. If my husband came home from work and I wasn't in sweats (and wasn't planning on going out) he'd think I was weird. The first thing he does when he gets home is change into sweats himself.

I really think both of those lists of things should be aimed at both husbands and wives. There's no reason why wives shouldn't be intentional about talking to their husbands or husbands shouldn't be intentional about meeting their wives sexual needs. I mean, hello, women have sexual needs too guys.

 

[moerunamida]

LOL, exactly! I can hear my husband right now if he came home and I had makeup on and fancy clothes "What did you break?" or "What do you want?"

And definitely agree with you about 'the women have sexual needs' too! Marriage goes both ways.

 

[musingsofacac]

I'm sorry, but to me this sounds too much like the 50s. I'm only a good wife towards my husband if I: wear makeup everyday, burn all my sweatpants and t-shirts, keep the house spic and span, and lay on my back every time hubby wants a piece.

If I need to do reflecting on my marriage on what is working and what is not, I will pray to the One that matters and certainly talk to my husband. He's a t-shirt kind of guy and thinks I'm beautiful without the makeup anyways.

I don't think the comment about sweatpants and t-shirts was saying that women can never wear those. Its talking about doing your best to please your husband in how you look,if that pleases him then all power to you.

It all comes down to one word - attitude(being intentional to meet your spouses needs). What is your attitude toward meeting you husbands needs?

Lets turn it around, what do you want your husbands attitude to be towards you in meeting your needs?

Do you care if he is intentional about trying to talk to you on a daily basis?
Do you want him to plan and surprise you with romantic things that you like?
Do you want him to help out around the house without being asked?
Maybe romance and talk are not important to you, but something is important to you. I once heard a counselor say that if a couple comes in and acts like they have no needs, then they are lieing to themselves and lieing to each other. The needs are always there, they just need to be communicated, and then we as the spouse do our best to meet those needs if they are reasonable.

 

[musingsofacac]

Right? LOL. If my husband came home from work and I wasn't in sweats (and wasn't planning on going out) he'd think I was weird. The first thing he does when he gets home is change into sweats himself.

I really think both of those lists of things should be aimed at both husbands and wives. There's no reason why wives shouldn't be intentional about talking to their husbands or husbands shouldn't be intentional about meeting their wives sexual needs. I mean, hello, women have sexual needs too guys.

Ok - let me try to re clarify the sweat pants comment. Its talking about that's all you ever wear, you never do anything different. Its not talking about you being all fixed up every time your husband walks through the door.

Those lists are aimed at the most common complaints that women have toward their husband and that husbands have towards their wives. I totally agree there could be some cross-over(like women want sex too).

 

[vincenticus]

For women they asked:

Are you intentional toward your husband when comes to meeting his sexual needs? Do you surprise him in the way only his wife can? Are you intentional in keeping up your appearance for him or do you always wear sweats and tea shirt? Are you intentional in keeping up your home?

I like my wife in sweats and a t-shirt. I would also entertain the possibility of her wearing a tea shirt:



Anyway, these generalizations don't strike me as terribly useful. Men and women might be more likely to want certain things, but our spouses aren't stereotypes.

So how can we be proactive in our marriages? Communicate. Find out what they like and what's important to them. Then... do those things. Let's not reduce our spouses to a set of assumptions, especially because it is so easy and fulfilling to actually learn about them instead.

 

[musingsofacac]

I like my wife in sweats and a t-shirt. I would also entertain the possibility of her wearing a tea shirt:

Anyway, these generalizations don't strike me as terribly useful. Men and women might be more likely to want certain things, but our spouses aren't stereotypes.

So how can we be proactive in our marriages? Communicate. Find out what they like and what's important to them. Then... do those things. Let's not reduce our spouses to a set of assumptions, especially because it is so easy and fulfilling to actually learn about them instead.

That was a funny picture!

I agree that our spouses are not stereotypes, but generalizations are actually useful in many areas of life, it gives us a starting point. Businesses are built upon sterotypes (what does the typical man want, what does the typical woman want). Marriage books are built on stereotypes (whether they are secular or religious). Medicine is built on stereotypes(how does the typical female body react to something, verses how the typical male body react.)

So sit down and communicate like you say. Your spouse may want some things in that list, or they may be the rarity and not want anything in that list. I agree you don't just assume what they want, you talk about it and ask.

 

[ImperialPhantom]

sounds like the church needed a new buzz word or that the pastor has a book to promote that's coming out sometime in april

 

[Autumnleaf]

Criticizing people for being lazy is a risky thing to do.

 

[musingsofacac]

Criticizing people for being lazy is a risky thing to do.

I think if we were honest, we could admit we are all lazy in some areas of our life, its not a horrible thing to say. But its one thing to have some small areas of laziness, and to have a lifestyle that is a pattern of laziness.

We have a problem in America today, we don't want to call things what they are. Yes many people work hard and support their families, and many mom's stay home and work hard to make a great home for their families.

Sometimes a single working parent can't keep up with their home and no one should accuse them of laziness if they are doing the best they can.

But what about the woman who is a self-proclaimed stay at home mom, who spends most of her time on facebook or watching tv, talking to her friends or shopping. Her home is a wreck, and she barely cooks for her family, other than pulling something frozen out of the fridge. I think sometimes we have to call something what it is - laziness, and stop making excuses for people.(I know of many women personally who do this).

What about the man who gets laid off and purposefully waits the entire 6 months(of unemployment pay) until the last couple weeks to go looking for a job? That's laziness(and actually I know of many people first hand who have done this).

 

[musingsofacac]

sounds like the church needed a new buzz word or that the pastor has a book to promote that's coming out sometime in april

No he does not have a book coming out. What is so wrong with encouraging people to be intentional in their marriages? To intentionally study and understand the needs of their spouse and do the best they can to meet those needs? What great crime is there in that?

Or is it the great crime of him mentioning house work and women? That must be some horrible crime. And remember - he did also mention that men should help with the home as well.

I know - his great crime was making a difference between a woman and man in marriage, or calling issues to attention that many surveys and marriage books - both secular and religious draw attention to.

 

[~Anastasia~]

Well, I think it's a good idea for us to consider what our spouse likes, and be intentional about providing it.

I'd be all for this if I could make it work. Our marriage is ok right now. We definitely have ups and downs, and some days he does things (or doesn't do things) that make me very unhappy. I wouldn't doubt he is bothered by things I do or fail to do as well. Problem being he doesn't really communicate that well with me what they are.

I would *LOVE* if my husband took the time to intentionally connect with me.

He will do this, rarely, around a spiritual topic. The problem is, when I'm already upset about how the communication in marriage is going, it can make me feel worse. I know God is more important to him, and that is as it should be. But ... it's like it's not really for me? Like when someone buys you a gift, but it's something they actually wanted to have around the house themselves.

Anyway, I don't let it ruin it for me. For several days now, I've been intentional about talking to HIM about spiritual topics. At least I know we can have a conversation that way, and he will stick with it and be interested.

I would love it if he would make the effort though.

And to go out on dates? Would be wonderful. I finally got him to take me to the movies a few weeks ago. Aside from taking me out for dinner on my birthday, those are the only two times we've been out in over 6 months.

To bring me home some little thing, or to say nice words of encouragement to me? Would be like gold.

Now, he DOES help out around the house (my dishes thread lol). I'd rather he didn't. But many husbands don't make the effort, and mine is actually fairly neat about most things, so I have to appreciate that. But to me it's more of a nice-way-to-live, not a thing that says "I love you".

What do I do for him? That's a good question. He hasn't helped me much to know what he'd like, except I think he WOULD like to see me dressed better and all that. Trouble is, I don't have much nice to wear that's practical. And I rarely wear make-up, but I think he likes it. But I need to buy more. He did comment once when I redecorated the bedroom (not to worry, I didn't go out and spend a fortune - I have stuff and know how to use it). Now that Christmas is over, that can be a good idea.

I've been trying to get him to read Five Love Languages with me, to give both of us more insight into the other. He finally agreed (after about 3 years of asking) but it's not with the books I already unpacked and until I can build more bookshelves, I can't unpack anymore. I'm thinking I'll check the library though.

But yes, I think it's a very good idea to be intentional. The lists given may be stereotyped, but some of the items probably hold true for many people. I'm not going to toss a good idea because I'm bothered at the way the list is arranged.

I just need to find out what HE wants, and try to make him happy. And I have no idea how to get him to pay attention to what I want. Asking is getting to the point of nagging. And the scheduling isn't working out for the counseling I had lined up and hoped to get. I'm hanging in here, but some days it gets old, and I get very discouraged.

 

[musingsofacac]

Well, I think it's a good idea for us to consider what our spouse likes, and be intentional about providing it.

But yes, I think it's a very good idea to be intentional. The lists given may be stereotyped, but some of the items probably hold true for many people. I'm not going to toss a good idea because I'm bothered at the way the list is arranged.

I am so glad somebody got this! People get so hung up on stereotypes or generalizations that they miss the main idea.

I feel for you. I actually have gone through many cycles over the 4 years I have been married(this is my second marriage) of trying to be more intentional with my wife.

Unlike your situation, my wife is actually pretty straight forward about telling me what she likes and does not like. The problem is, it is not a two way straight, when I try to tell her she basically has excuses what she can't do this or that, or that she will try but nothing ever comes of it .

So what happens is I go through the cycle of trying to meet her needs and just do things unconditionally for several months. But as the weeks and months go by and she just absorbs everything I do for her, but does not act on anything I have talked to her about I sometimes just give up.

But I know God wants me to get back up and keep doing what I should do even if she is not doing her part.

 

[~Anastasia~]

Perhaps something of accountability would be helpful. Maybe if a church offered a program, but it wasn't a retreat - rather a week to week meeting (or twice a month, whatever) where people knew they were going to be asked about what they had done ...

 

[seeingeyes]

My pastor preached a sermon on Sunday about being "intentional" in our lives as Christians. "being intentional" is our theme for the church this year.

I agree with being "intentional", but I'll have to chime in with the others who question why this is broken up along "stereotypical" lines.

A wife's job is far, far more than doing the dishes and sexing it up on the regular.

Men are very fragile creatures.

 

[moerunamida]

I don't think the comment about sweatpants and t-shirts was saying that women can never wear those. Its talking about doing your best to please your husband in how you look,if that pleases him then all power to you.

It all comes down to one word - attitude(being intentional to meet your spouses needs). What is your attitude toward meeting you husbands needs?

Lets turn it around, what do you want your husbands attitude to be towards you in meeting your needs?

Do you care if he is intentional about trying to talk to you on a daily basis?
Do you want him to plan and surprise you with romantic things that you like?
Do you want him to help out around the house without being asked?
Maybe romance and talk are not important to you, but something is important to you. I once heard a counselor say that if a couple comes in and acts like they have no needs, then they are lieing to themselves and lieing to each other. The needs are always there, they just need to be communicated, and then we as the spouse do our best to meet those needs if they are reasonable.

Well, for starters, I would have never married someone that is so vain and concerned about appearances rather than what is inside my mind and heart. So aside from keeping my hair washed and a little perfume to spice things up, the 'looking good' for the husband is done for him. I can wear a potato sack, and I will look good. And it is really hard to clean a house in stilettos and a mini skirt.

I am intentional towards my hubby. Yesterday was his birthday and although money is tight, I tried to make the best of it for him. Homemade cake, nice home cooked meal. He loved all of it. As for romantic things, today when he came home from work, he brought me a couple of no bake cookies from work that he knows I like. Little surprises like that.

We talk a lot. We will talk about religion, politics, friends, family, and some silly topics. Although I was recently unemployed, he chooses to help me with housework. He is a good man, and I love him. I try to be the best wife I can be

 

[cerette]

How come the husband is asked to be romantic but the wife needs only to give sex?
Disgusting.

 

[musingsofacac]

How come the husband is asked to be romantic but the wife needs only to give sex?
Disgusting.

Let me clarify something, the specifics about sex were from a marriage retreat we had a few years ago themed "being intentional in your marriage", then they brought back the intentional idea as a general theme for the church this year in all the important areas of our life.

Having said that there was more to what they said then sex - I brought up the home part which you all promptly shot down(even though it is in the Bible). Yes they talked about an romance for women, and sex for men. But they also brought up like one person he mentioned she did, cooking your husband's favorite me for him from time to time.

But since your framed the statement that way - "the wife needs only to give sex?" - you must have had some other things in mind that a wife needs to give her husband or do for her husband? So I am curious what do you think those things are?

 

[musingsofacac]

I agree with being "intentional", but I'll have to chime in with the others who question why this is broken up along "stereotypical" lines.

A wife's job is far, far more than doing the dishes and sexing it up on the regular.

Men are very fragile creatures.

I agree the wife's job is far more than doing dishes and sexing it up, in the same way a man's job is far more than helping around the house and being romantic to his wife.

So what other things, the "far more" things did you have in mind as the wife's job when being intentional toward her husband?