Appropriate/Inappropriate Ways to Address Women

[Luther073082]

I think sometimes it's more of a cultural thing and location.
Southerners will more use some of those terms than other places.
It depends on with me, WHO says it and HOW it's said.

I think thats exactly the point. No one in real life has ever had a problem with the term hon. So either I use it in a way that they don't even think about it or every woman I've called that over the last 4 years is spineless.

And I don't use babe or something like that. Its mainly hon, honey, sweetie, or sometimes darling. And no I wouldn't walk up to someone I have never even met and call them that. Usually we're at least on a first name basis before I use that term. Here its a bit different but if I've known you for a while then I might use it.

I'm just going to use it and if you don't like it, let me know personally. But I would apprechiate it if certain 3rd parties would avoid sticking their nose into it.

 

[Miles]

Unfamiliar women often call me hun, sweetie etc. I think it's just how some people are raised, and it's not limited to one gender or the other. While culturally foreign to me, I don't think any disrespect is intended.

 

[VozNocturna]

I've given this some thought. I realize that 1) the user of such titles does not always have any ill intent and 2) the recipient also has the right to determine whether the recipient can or cannot use such titles.

It is a topic that interested me, so I brought it up and no one should feel personally singled out. Years ago, I sort of dated/talked to a guy who would call me sweetie (we weren't dating seriously and he called me this on the first or second date). It made me cringe!

If a very attractive man used any of these terms on me (which has happened) and I didn't know him, I would think he was a player. I just don't take men seriously when they address me as such. I guess I'm really traditional in this aspect. I like being called by my first name. Terms of endearment are reserved for close male relatives, boyfriend, and husband.


Luther--it's not a personal attack at all. I voiced my distate for it in the other thread (which was the inappropriate place for me to do so). But that's MY personal issue, not yours. The women to whom you direct such terms of endearment are obviously not offended, so I'm certainly not going to launch some crusade to stop you from using it.



Mostly women have responded. But, I'm more interested in the men's responses, particularly those who use these terms. And, what is the motivation behind it?

 

[Luther073082]

Love

Those terms indicate you are someone special to me. If I'm on a business call I'm obviously not using those terms nor am I using them for someone at the grocery store line.

They are as you said terms of endearment and I use them for people who are endeared to me. I can't use them on men cause thats always inappropriate but sometimes with boys and teenagers I'll call them son. Other then that there are no real good terms of endearment for one man to another.

I still use a first name too but sometimes I'll interchange an informal word. Several times if something happened during dance practice and maybe my partner would screw up or I would screw up I would say something like "You ok hon?"

I think you really got to listen to tone of voice too and I understand that tone of voice is not communicated here. But I think a lot of people in here have an image of a patronizing tone of voice. But I just don't use that tone of voice and people who hear it don't seem to care or don't even notice.

 

[CounselorRich]

I hold to what I said earlier today in this thread about the need for respect--but I also agree that is somewhat cultural too--as I mentioned that those terms are used here in the south-with no ill intent behind them. Many of the responses have touched on that very point & rightly so I think.
I also agree as a CF member put it--that it is up to the recipient of those words to let the giver know if it bothers them or not. One thing that drives me nuts is when I'm offending someone & have no idea I'm doing it-because they don't tell me.
I think alot of it too depends upon the tone of voice used by the speaker. That can add a whole new dimension to the words that can either cause problems or prevent problems.
You bring up a very interesting topic & responses have been somewhat charged (not excluding myself here)--so it obviously touches deeply for people.
I don't know if my comments here are just rambling or if they contribute anything to this conversation--but I write them for whatever it's worth.

 

[justaGUYnamedROB]

I usually just use envelopes. Although sometimes on a rare occasion when I'm feeling especially adventurous, I've been known to toss in a stamp or three...

Ummm, yeah. Don't quit your day job pal.

 

[hope4today]

For me, it is all about context.
If I feel patronised or that something sleazy is going on then I will say so and ask not to be called that again. I don't really like Babe and I will speak for myself if I don't like it.
Otherwise I just take it as a term of endearment.

 

[Buskanaka]

I don't use those terms myself, and I don't know anyone who does. I would feel uncomfortable using them because they're so personal. In my culture anyway.

Do you think this can go the other way? That there might be names women use on men that might be offensive? I know that I find it patronising and irritating if people I don't know call my 'buddy' or 'champ', especially salespeople.

 

[awashinlove]

Not a big deal to me, not a moment of my day is worth caring about it. It's cultural for some people - men to women, women to men, old to young, young to old. But even if culture didn't play into a particular someone using pet names, so what? Unless a man was repeatedly belittling with the term, what's the point of even giving it a second thought? There are so many more offensive things going on in the world, I just can't sympathize with the plight of women called 'hon'.

 

[miss_klara]

I don't mind at all if someone calls me "honey" or "love" or whatever. In fact, a couple of the older guys (who are like Dad-like figures, I work in a church office) call me 'Kitten'. I know how incredibly dodgy that sounds, but that's because it's out of context!!! I don't exactly know how, but myself and the other receptionist here ended up being dubbed Kitten1 and Kitten2. I think it's because we're young, and bought goldfish for our desk. So it's an in-joke, and pretty normal if anyone in the office refers to me as Kitten, or K1. If we sit at the desk together, we get a few comments of "Oh look, it's the kittens." Lol. Are my co-workers weird?

Our senior pastor calls me 'girl'. He calls a lot of the women here 'girl'. But he'll use our names too, like he'll come in and say "Hey Klara, how's it going girl?" It's kinda funny because he does it in seriousness but sounds like he's trying to talk like a teenage girl!!

 

[Braticus]

I think it is totally inappropriate and uncalled for when people address me in those manners while I'm at work. I have a name tag on...use it! If you can't read, just start your question, or call me Miss.
Another thing I dilike is when people use jsut my last name to refer to me. There is no Ms or Miss involved. I think it is really rude, I used to have 2 teachers that did this and I certainly didnt't apprecaite it.

 

[kingoffools13]

I personally do not usually refer to anyone as sweetheart or honey etc, but i must say unless someone is being abusivly forward to the point of sexual harrasment, i think its an over reaction to be all upset about it.

This reminds me of an episode of scrubs (my fav show) where Elliot was mad at Dr. Kelso (the head of medicine for the hospital) because he called all the boys "sport" and all the girls "sweetheart" ... you would have to watch the episode to get the full effect of what happened, but the point was that she over reacted and made a big deal about nothing.

I can understand if it might get under one's skin to have someone repeat the same thing over and over when its something that you would rather not be called, but to make a general statement against some quasi-offensive endearments is a bit much.

K
O
F

 

[Luther073082]

Either way if you view being called hon or honey as sexual harrassment I think you should seriously let the person know that you don't like it before you go making a federal case out of it.

I worked with kids and adults about sexual harrassment issues. (mostly kids) and we always advocated telling the person not to do that in a firm and direct voice before going to supierors, principal, etc.

 

[plum]

I think it is totally inappropriate and uncalled for when people address me in those manners while I'm at work. I have a name tag on...use it! If you can't read, just start your question, or call me Miss.
Another thing I dilike is when people use jsut my last name to refer to me. There is no Ms or Miss involved. I think it is really rude, I used to have 2 teachers that did this and I certainly didnt't apprecaite it.

I must be the only person who feels weird having a stranger call me by my first name. It bugged me every single time it was used when I worked retail back in the day. Yes, my nametag did say "Julia", but I still have a notion that I'd like to be introduced to someone before they call me Julia. I mean... a name is a personal thing! I'm nuts, I know...

 

[Luther073082]

I must be the only person who feels weird having a stranger call me by my first name. It bugged me every single time it was used when I worked retail back in the day. Yes, my nametag did say "Julia", but I still have a notion that I'd like to be introduced to someone before they call me Julia. I mean... a name is a personal thing! I'm nuts, I know...

When I was working at VBS last year one of my close friends introduced her 4 year old to me and said to him "This is Mr. (My last name)" And I said no he can call me "Kirk"

I told all my Sunday school students to just call me Kirk. I really hate being called Mr. if I was a teacher in a real school system yeah I'd have to learn to get comfortable with that. But I'm not and I'd prefer not to be called that.

 

[LostUntilSaved]

I don't mind if people call me the names that the OP said were inappropriate to her. People call me those names all the time and it doesn't bother me.