Approaching God

[SolaceGarden]

Has anyone ever felt like they're stuck in time? Like they can't go forward and can't evolve? I feel like even though I've grown up in a Christian home and went to church until I was 19 from then on it's been off and on. Since first experiencing cyclical thinking and disturbing thoughts, I've been so desperate that I was trying to reach out for God, but there's these thoughts that go through my head every time I try that prevent me from making it very far. It's more than "I'm not worthy"... it's like... I went wrong somewhere and don't deserve to move past that point and develop a relationship with Christ. It's like I'll feel fraudulent or something... and I worry over having that feeling/perspective for the rest of my life. I sit and try to think my way out of it and here I am many years later having moved nowhere and more frightened and confused and angry than ever. I don't know how God can work in me when I have so much sorrow over my wrongs and anger at myself and at God.

 

[RuthD]

God is still at your side. I recommend praying to him a lot, that may make you feel better. I also wonder if you have a counselor to talk to. It helped me.

 

[gracealone]

HI Solace,
I've been away for awhile so I don't know much of your history.
Have cyclical thinking & ruminative problem solving which are most often accompanied by intense anxiety ever plauged you over any thing else in your past life besides your relationship with Christ?
Although it's possible to have OCD crop up at any point in our lives it's also very common to have had it attach itself to other themes in our past.
If this is OCD you can't think your way out of it. The more effort and time you devote to that activity the worse you will feel. You can't out logic it.
Being stuck is certainly part and parcel of the disorder. Also the fear that you'll never get past it is common too and can actually become an OCD theme.
It would be advantageous for you to seek a professional diagnosis. In order to do that you'll have to be brave, open and transparent about the nature of your obsessions as well as the extreme emotional distress they cause you. OCD is a real disorder but it's also a very treatable disorder. Although it feels hopeless it is not.
I'm praying for you.
Mitzi

Has anyone ever felt like they're stuck in time? Like they can't go forward and can't evolve? I feel like even though I've grown up in a Christian home and went to church until I was 19 from then on it's been off and on. Since first experiencing cyclical thinking and disturbing thoughts, I've been so desperate that I was trying to reach out for God, but there's these thoughts that go through my head every time I try that prevent me from making it very far. It's more than "I'm not worthy"... it's like... I went wrong somewhere and don't deserve to move past that point and develop a relationship with Christ. It's like I'll feel fraudulent or something... and I worry over having that feeling/perspective for the rest of my life. I sit and try to think my way out of it and here I am many years later having moved nowhere and more frightened and confused and angry than ever. I don't know how God can work in me when I have so much sorrow over my wrongs and anger at myself and at God.

 

[SolaceGarden]

Thanks gracealone. I'm trying to think over my life and find where it all started but to tell you the truth, I don't really know. My memory isn't the greatest to start with. I had a lot of trouble in University. I'm not proud of this, but I cheated somewhat in high school and it REALLY started to bother me in University and among other things was one of the main reasons I left not having finished University. I've had pressure from friends and family to seek out and finish some kind of schooling, but I never feel worthy enough. It's like I feel like I have to declare to the world all the wrongs I've ever commited in order to move forward and I'm too weak to even try. Every time I come near to trying to apply to go to college I remember my wrongs and pull out. I feel like I should just give up on the dream to go to school and settle for some kind of full time job which is fine except that I'm single and the fears of not being able to support myself crowd around me and I get further depressed just thinking about how inadequate a being I am. Then I can't come to God because I'm afraid of feeling like even more of a fraud. So now I obsess over the smallest things to make sure I do the right thing. I double and triple check my bills to be sure I've paid the right amount and haven't messed up the tip, I always get a receipt at the gas station to be sure I've paid and haven't driven off having forgotten to, I pore over my pay stubs to be sure no mistakes have been made. I feel like a complete idiot when I have to check with people to make sure I'm not crazy. And I know that God doesn't work like magic to make everything okay so I'm afraid that putting all my trust in him is just hoping it'll all go away while all the while I continue as I have in my past choices and behaviour. I can't take the stress of it. I worry over things no one else would even give a second thought to. I wish someone would just say forget about this and do this instead. If God did that I'd obey in an instant 'cause I'm so desperate to become a new person with a good heart. I've given up on any dream careers I could have had and feel so angry and sometimes devoid of any compassion or love for family or friends. I don't know how to be any different. It's like I've forgotten. It's like God's my only hope, but I can't get near to Him because all my thoughts are telling me no. I go to pick up a bible and read and it's like: You're not supposed to pick up and read THAT bible...it was a graduation gift. You never thought to read the bible all those years growing up and in youth group and in college group... what makes you think you can do it now after all you've done? I know this sounds crazy. I'm so ashamed.

 

[romans8one]

Has anyone ever felt like they're stuck in time? Like they can't go forward and can't evolve? I feel like even though I've grown up in a Christian home and went to church until I was 19 from then on it's been off and on. Since first experiencing cyclical thinking and disturbing thoughts, I've been so desperate that I was trying to reach out for God, but there's these thoughts that go through my head every time I try that prevent me from making it very far. It's more than "I'm not worthy"... it's like... I went wrong somewhere and don't deserve to move past that point and develop a relationship with Christ. It's like I'll feel fraudulent or something... and I worry over having that feeling/perspective for the rest of my life. I sit and try to think my way out of it and here I am many years later having moved nowhere and more frightened and confused and angry than ever. I don't know how God can work in me when I have so much sorrow over my wrongs and anger at myself and at God.

take a look at 1 John 1:9, it's great stuff, the Lord loves you so much and will forgive you if you confess!!!

 

[gracealone]

Hey Solace,
Good job in describing what you go through! Transparent, honest and well put. Having read your post... and keeping in mind that I'm not a professional.... you sound like classic OCD to me. Your actions smack of hyperscrupulosity and that is a common symptom of OCD. The continual checking to gain some sort of reassurance is the compulsive side of the disorder in reaction to your obsessional fears.
So are you crazy? Well I don't think most of us appreciate that label but I use it on myself in a humorous way from time to time. When I'm not being humorous about my OCD I prefer to say that I'm a Christian who happens to be afflicted with a mental disorder...(remember that the D in OCD stands for disorder), actually several of them.. Panic Disorder and OCD. This isn't something to be ashamed of any more than a person can be blamed for or ashamed of the fact that they might be afflicted with Diabetes.
My advice to you is to seek a professional diagnosis from someone who specializes in treating OCD. You can start with your GP in order to get a referral.
Although flares of my OCD are the most difficult and distressing thing that I've experienced in my life... I can tell you that God's Grace toward me has been abundant... not in spite of my OCD but rather because of it.
"I will therefore glory in my afflicition - that the power of Christ may rest more fully upon me.. for when I am weak, I am strong." Strong in the sufficiency of His Grace and in the Power of His Spirit. It's all about Him.
Praying for you!
Mitzi

Thanks gracealone. I'm trying to think over my life and find where it all started but to tell you the truth, I don't really know. My memory isn't the greatest to start with. I had a lot of trouble in University. I'm not proud of this, but I cheated somewhat in high school and it REALLY started to bother me in University and among other things was one of the main reasons I left not having finished University. I've had pressure from friends and family to seek out and finish some kind of schooling, but I never feel worthy enough. It's like I feel like I have to declare to the world all the wrongs I've ever commited in order to move forward and I'm too weak to even try. Every time I come near to trying to apply to go to college I remember my wrongs and pull out. I feel like I should just give up on the dream to go to school and settle for some kind of full time job which is fine except that I'm single and the fears of not being able to support myself crowd around me and I get further depressed just thinking about how inadequate a being I am. Then I can't come to God because I'm afraid of feeling like even more of a fraud. So now I obsess over the smallest things to make sure I do the right thing. I double and triple check my bills to be sure I've paid the right amount and haven't messed up the tip, I always get a receipt at the gas station to be sure I've paid and haven't driven off having forgotten to, I pore over my pay stubs to be sure no mistakes have been made. I feel like a complete idiot when I have to check with people to make sure I'm not crazy. And I know that God doesn't work like magic to make everything okay so I'm afraid that putting all my trust in him is just hoping it'll all go away while all the while I continue as I have in my past choices and behaviour. I can't take the stress of it. I worry over things no one else would even give a second thought to. I wish someone would just say forget about this and do this instead. If God did that I'd obey in an instant 'cause I'm so desperate to become a new person with a good heart. I've given up on any dream careers I could have had and feel so angry and sometimes devoid of any compassion or love for family or friends. I don't know how to be any different. It's like I've forgotten. It's like God's my only hope, but I can't get near to Him because all my thoughts are telling me no. I go to pick up a bible and read and it's like: You're not supposed to pick up and read THAT bible...it was a graduation gift. You never thought to read the bible all those years growing up and in youth group and in college group... what makes you think you can do it now after all you've done? I know this sounds crazy. I'm so ashamed.