Thank you all for your replies. I'm doing a little bit better but I don't know... I don't feel like I am free. I've quit all my sins and all my lust but I feel like I don't have any help. I do want to follow Jesus, I want to give him my life but I don't really feel his Spirit filling me with new desires.
It seems that by leaving God I was so used to leaving only for myself, for the desires of my selfish rotten desires. I want to change but I cannot do it on my own, I need his Holy Spirit and I don't feel it transforming me at all. I really don't want to say anything bad on God but sometimes I get frustrated because it seems to me that I do much effort, I really force myself to seek him. I pray, I read the Word, etc. Sometimes it feels good, sometimes I feel good and I think I have my breaktrough, but it doesn't last long. God promised to reveal himself to anyone who seeks him so I guess the problem has to dwell in me but I don't know what it is, because as I said I really feel like I make the effort and I do want to change... I want Him, I need Him so so much.
I feel like I'm not able to hate my sins. I mean, I don't sin anymore and I hate them because I know it's bad and I know God hate them and they are offensive for him, but I feel there's a part of me still attracted by those sins. That's the help that I need that I don't have and that I really wish I had : hating my sins and having new desires. In short, a change of heart, a restoration. I don't feel that.
I know I made a terrible mistake of turning away from God, I know I messed up and I was very very bad. I did live in sins willfully and I am guilty, I was evil. I took sins too lightly, and I didn't give to God the importance that He deserves. I took him for granted, I shouldn't have, it was very bad. I have absolutely no excuse. But I did acknowledge all my wrongs, I did ask for forgiveness many times, with all the sincerity that I could find in me. I cried out to him to free me from this sinful life, I told him I was so sorry and asked him to take control of my whole life and my whole being, no matter what it should cost me. I don't want to go to hell, I don't want to be God's enemy. I was rebel and I regret SO SO much. Now I want to make good work, but I can't. I try to trust Him with all my heart, but I don't feel any help.
I don't have a good lifestyle because I have because lazy. I really struggle to get out of my bed, but it's because I don't know what to do with my life anymore. I don't want to live for myself anymore and I want to live for God, but I don't know. It seems that my heart can't have and doesn't find any new good desires. In spite of all my prayers, my reading.
I don't know what to do. I'll just keep praying, keep reading the Bible, and be as positive as I can. I'm not doing good, but I suffer less than a few weeks and sometimes I see some hopes... So if you could pray for me, I would really appreciate. Thank you very much.