anyone have any insight?

[motherprayer]

My dearest sister, you are such a true blessing to me. I love you more than words can say.

 

[razzelflabben]

It's been a rough year, full of so many blessings that I can't even count them all. lol how's that for the start of this post...

I think I need to say something, just to say the words, no other reason. This week, we brought the box of things from our son and his funeral, home from our other house. It's the first time in months I have been that close to any of it. I read a paper the young woman whose party we were at wrote about that day. I looked at the photos of my baby boy...and I cried so hard I was shaking. Tears streaming so hard that they splashed up on my glasses. Oh to put into words what our son meant to me. Few people understand, that as a home schooler without anyone to help with the kids and a husband who had to work long hours to even come close to the poverty line, my kids were never away from me. In his 18 almost 19 years, he was away from me for 1 summer, the summer he spent with his brother in 29 Palms. Otherwise, he was with me pretty much 24/7. Most of the time they were little we didn't even have Jr. church or SS to send them to. The stress of that was great on all of us, but they became my very life. I'm not even sure to this day how to function without them. Still have one in homeschool, so I am never alone, it is never truly quiet. He was the one that would listen and understand the wisdom of the words of a parent. The one who cared what I was doing, the one who wasn't afraid to let me know he loved me...lol...I miss him more than words can say...when the other stresses of life invade, I sometimes feel like I am collapsing under the weight of it all, and even as I write this, I am waiting for the fall out of something we had to do...something that could get us kicked out of yet another church. That all makes me feel worthless. I know it's a feeling, and I know I am loved. But I feel so alone, so worthless, so "wrong in everything I do, no matter" right now. I need to see his crooked smile, hear him say, "their just being dumb mom"....then have him tell me all the wonderful things God is doing in him.

Cherish your kids, even when the stresses of life are unbearable. Hold every moment, even the terrible ones close to your heart. But above all, even when you are at your lowest, remind yourself of all the blessings you have known. Protect them, treasure them, and look at them when nothing else seems to make any sense.

 

[razzelflabben]

well, it's been a trying day, long story...but from it comes this question...if you could say one thing to anyone in your life before they or you die, who would it be and what would you say?

So many times I wish I could tell my son one last time how much I love him, how much I miss him when he isn't here. He knew, but I long to tell him just one more time, that we are coming cause we love him.

Whether the other person is listening or not, whether they want to hear it or not, what would you say if you had the chance to to be that persons final words....?

 

[Living in the Light]

Dear Razzelflabben,
I joined this thread rather late, but I sincerely know that God will eventually heal your soul and situation. It's too bad that unenlightened people have tried to hurt you even further than you have already been hurt. I am praying for you. Maybe you can find a copy in the library of a book entitled "Dark Nights of the Soul" by Thomas Moore. I am reading this right now and I think it might help you. Peace and love to you!

 

[razzelflabben]

Dear Razzelflabben,
I joined this thread rather late, but I sincerely know that God will eventually heal your soul and situation. It's too bad that unenlightened people have tried to hurt you even further than you have already been hurt. I am praying for you. Maybe you can find a copy in the library of a book entitled "Dark Nights of the Soul" by Thomas Moore. I am reading this right now and I think it might help you. Peace and love to you!

thanks

 

[seeingeyes]

well, it's been a trying day, long story...but from it comes this question...if you could say one thing to anyone in your life before they or you die, who would it be and what would you say?

So many times I wish I could tell my son one last time how much I love him, how much I miss him when he isn't here. He knew, but I long to tell him just one more time, that we are coming cause we love him.

Whether the other person is listening or not, whether they want to hear it or not, what would you say if you had the chance to to be that persons final words....?

There's no reason you can't tell him. Your son is with your Father, and you talk to your Father all the time...I'm sure He'd happily pass that message along.

Earlier you had mentioned that you spent sooo much time with your son because you homeschooled. I did the same, and when my boy died, I remember feeling grateful for that extra seven hours a day that I was able to spend with him. I did not have the feeling that anything was 'unsaid'. (My boy probably thought I said too much! )

Your boy knew you, and he knows you. You were no mystery to him. He knows that you love him and miss him, and he knows even better than you do that you will be together again soon. Your Dad in heaven will make sure of that.

 

[razzelflabben]

Maybe I better clarify a bit...today, I spent a huge chunk of my day, talking with a woman who is trying to keep her marriage together even though her husband had an affair. To make matters worse, he not only doesn't want to keep the marriage together, he doesn't want to talk to her, wants to blame her for everything, and is apparently trying to turn their 7 children against her (heard one of the emails he sent her, so a bit more than just "her side")...anyway, I got to thinking about the people in our lives that we would like to, or should say to someone before we can't anymore.

With our son, the only thing I wanted him to know that wasn't already said, is that as soon as we knew something was wrong, we came looking. This is largely due to the painful memories of me being abandoned in a strange city just before Christmas break...I don't want my kids to ever feel that pain, so I wanted to tell him, "we're coming, we would never leave you"...but what about the other people in our lives? What about my parents that I don't really want to have contact with...though we do and....what would I say to them if I would never have another opportunity to speak to them...what about my husband and kids, is there anything left unsaid...whether they know or not, sometimes saying it is important, for our own peace of mind.

So just like this woman I spent the day talking to, there are things she would like to say to her husband, things that should be said...she might never have the chance to be "heard" but saying these things is important to her healing, and I think we should examine all our relationships and know if there is anything left unsaid that needs said.

Hope that makes better sense.

 

[razzelflabben]

My mother began with the hurtful things again last week. I told my husband about it, but left it there, with him and with God. It's amazing how much healing can take place in a short bit of time in the hands of our Lord. I can't say it didn't hurt, or throw me off for a while, but in Him I could put it aside. In fact, hearing a friend talk about how devastating her loss of 20 years ago still is to her, made me reflect on how long it had been since I posted here.

There are days that all I can think about is missing my son, but even in those days, I see the beauty and wonder of knowing he is forever safe, will never suffer. In me, I would give it all, to have one more day with him. Sometimes the visions and dreams of that day, still haunt. But then, I remember that he is so much better off, and no mother could ask for more than that for her son.

May you feel the strength of God as He lifts you up, courage to face all that is ahead.

 

[razzelflabben]

I have taken to use this sight much like a blog...random thoughts and feelings, erupt from within me and flow into the pages of this thread. The last couple of days have been hard ones for me. Not sure all the reasons, breathing issues, heart issues, nasty comments from my mother, missing our son, the boys coming home and Jonathan not being here with everyone else home, frustration at reading though 860+ passages to find just a few that I was looking for, cause I didn't want to miss any, lot's and lots of reasons I guess.

None the less, a friend and I were talking yesterday and today, about feelings. She is in a situation right now, in which she has a righteous anger and doesn't want to forgive someone of a wrong done to her and her marriage. She knows she needs to forgive and has forgiven in the past, but this time, she just doesn't want to forgive. This got me thinking about my own grief that still lingers and still brings tears to my eyes, and the seasons that we are told are part of life.

Whether it is a season of grief (grieve but not as the world grieves) or righteous anger (be angry but sin not) these things these emotions are part of the seasons that mark our lives. But in each season, there is beauty, there is healing, there is purpose that takes us into the next season. Without spring, we wouldn't know the promise of new life, without summer growth could not finish it's work. In fall we enjoy the bounty of harvest, and in winter, we learn to rest in the bitter cold winds that lash out at us sometimes with anxious fury. And so today, I learn the beauty of those seasons in our life, the seasons that sometimes are uncomfortable, but reveal to us the majesty and wonder of a God who knows every stitch, every molecule of our being with a love equally as personal and intimate.

May you discover the treasure of every season your life brings, the beauty hidden within each day.

 

[razzelflabben]

don't know where to say this, so I'll say it here. Maybe it's just the day I have had, but I am beginning to think that my time on the forums is coming to an end. I know most people won't see this, but I thank everyone who made in enjoyable, encourages, challenged, and taught me something. I won't be leaving right away, but I think this is the beginning of the end. Maybe saying it, makes it meaningful to me in some way, it isn't the first time I tried to leave.

 

[seeingeyes]

don't know where to say this, so I'll say it here. Maybe it's just the day I have had, but I am beginning to think that my time on the forums is coming to an end. I know most people won't see this, but I thank everyone who made in enjoyable, encourages, challenged, and taught me something. I won't be leaving right away, but I think this is the beginning of the end. Maybe saying it, makes it meaningful to me in some way, it isn't the first time I tried to leave.

Maybe you just need a nice break. Jumping from threads like this over into the deep end at GT is quite a shock. Like jumping into a pond in the Arctic.

You should remember that people here come from all different backgrounds, all different levels of learning, all different places along their walk. There is much to be learned (and much to be fought over), but the Spirit will get us there in His own good time.

If it feels too confrontational for you just now, then bow out for a bit. Take some time to be still, and come back in a month or 2 months or 6 months when you are geared up again.

We'll miss you too much if you go for good.

 

[motherprayer]

don't know where to say this, so I'll say it here. Maybe it's just the day I have had, but I am beginning to think that my time on the forums is coming to an end. I know most people won't see this, but I thank everyone who made in enjoyable, encourages, challenged, and taught me something. I won't be leaving right away, but I think this is the beginning of the end. Maybe saying it, makes it meaningful to me in some way, it isn't the first time I tried to leave.

Oh my. This makes me know there's a reason why I felt pressed to go to recent posts. I had deleted all my subscriptions when I went into training, and wouldn't have seen this otherwise.

My blesses, precious sister in Christ, I do understand how you feel, as I have felt that way at times. If you feel God is calling you to leave here, then follow Him.

But.

I want you to know that there is at least one person whom you have blessed mightily through your presence here. More than I can even express <3

 

[Living in the Light]

don't know where to say this, so I'll say it here. Maybe it's just the day I have had, but I am beginning to think that my time on the forums is coming to an end. I know most people won't see this, but I thank everyone who made in enjoyable, encourages, challenged, and taught me something. I won't be leaving right away, but I think this is the beginning of the end. Maybe saying it, makes it meaningful to me in some way, it isn't the first time I tried to leave.

I hope you stay on CF razzelflabben. Perhaps there is something that you can contribute here in the future to help someone else in their spiritual quest. This site has been beneficial to me and I hope that I have helped others with my insight. Blessings to you!

 

[razzelflabben]

Maybe you just need a nice break. Jumping from threads like this over into the deep end at GT is quite a shock. Like jumping into a pond in the Arctic.

You should remember that people here come from all different backgrounds, all different levels of learning, all different places along their walk. There is much to be learned (and much to be fought over), but the Spirit will get us there in His own good time.

If it feels too confrontational for you just now, then bow out for a bit. Take some time to be still, and come back in a month or 2 months or 6 months when you are geared up again.

We'll miss you too much if you go for good.

thanks, that was nice...my life here is becoming ever increasingly crazy...today alone, I have had 3 extended conversations with people needing biblical counsel, a facebook post to deal with, same issue, and some texts. Didn't even find any time to study (primarily what God is calling me to right now), when I add everything else, home school, forums, etc. I'm struggling to keep everything together, was texting and talking on the phone at the same time today, just to cover everyone who needed something, then I have to take time to pray for all those issues, and many of the issues are going to be people who call back at least several times this week. One day I actually watched time, 6 hours on the phone alone. I have grown to hate the phone, but I love what God is calling me to do.

I didn't mean to unload, just felt like maybe you needed some clarity...It's not so much about the forum, more about just the direction God is taking my life. It is often overly crazy around here and I think the forum might be starting to get in the way of some of that. Time and God will tell, but I feel it coming and I don't want my friends here to feel like I just disappeared. does that make sense.

 

[razzelflabben]

thanks everyone..way more people then I expected reading it, how loved I feel...!!!!

My husband and I were just talking abut a ministry opportunity that was offered to him (not pay but amazing) and how we both feel that where it is amazing, we need to stay focused on the ministry God has made clear is His purpose for us. I think that is the heart of what is driving my feeling that the time is drawing near.

When I came here, it was a dark time in our married life, I needed to talk, nothing more, just talk. Later I found an incredible opportunity to learn, grow, minister, share, listen, etc. and I have truly enjoyed my time, even the difficult people lol...but God is first and foremost always, and if the forum is pulling me away from what God is calling me to, it's time to close that chapter and open the next. I'll stick around for a bit, slowly leaving all together, but your (you all) words of encouragement, comfort and wisdom have been more of a blessing than words can say, and have help to prepare me for this ministry that is now my calling.

 

[Criada]

I'm sorry you need to go - but if that's the way God is leading you, then it's what you have to do.
You have been an incredible blessing to many here, including me. Thank you for your support, love and understanding at a very dark time - you made more difference that you can know.
God bless and keep you, sister

 

[razzelflabben]

Needed a break...God is blessing me so much since I limited my time even more than I was on the forum...I'm getting so much study done, and learning so much I can't wait to teach...and yet, right now, I need a break, this week, I learned of another adulterous affair in our local body, not part of it yet...may not be part of that one, since I'm not in their click, but praying for them and hurting for them....still dealing with nasties with the other couple. wow! how out of control can we allow ourselves to get!?! Then I find out that a couple who recently had a premature baby, is determined to take him home even though he is having heart issues, and he hasn't even reached his due date yet....I think I just need some quiet time to pray for all these people then get back to study, so what do I do, I come here and post...lol...not very godly of me. Been spending most of my prayer time this day with a man from our SS who recently had an 11 1/2 hour surgery and another man from the community who is having his leg amputated today...I guess it's time to just quiet myself in prayer.

May you find time to quiet yourself today, and just listen to the beat of God's heart. May you take the time to feel His breath wash over you, as you learn to be as one with Him.

 

[artqween]

Needed a break...God is blessing me so much since I limited my time even more than I was on the forum...I'm getting so much study done, and learning so much I can't wait to teach...and yet, right now, I need a break, this week, I learned of another adulterous affair in our local body, not part of it yet...may not be part of that one, since I'm not in their click, but praying for them and hurting for them....still dealing with nasties with the other couple. wow! how out of control can we allow ourselves to get!?! Then I find out that a couple who recently had a premature baby, is determined to take him home even though he is having heart issues, and he hasn't even reached his due date yet....I think I just need some quiet time to pray for all these people then get back to study, so what do I do, I come here and post...lol...not very godly of me. Been spending most of my prayer time this day with a man from our SS who recently had an 11 1/2 hour surgery and another man from the community who is having his leg amputated today...I guess it's time to just quiet myself in prayer.

May you find time to quiet yourself today, and just listen to the beat of God's heart. May you take the time to feel His breath wash over you, as you learn to be as one with Him.

What kind of insight?? U r staying a while now?? Hi and plezd to meet u..
RB . Thank u for ur awesome prayer..
That sounds like a great idea
:hugs: to allllk

 

[razzelflabben]

What kind of insight?? U r staying a while now?? Hi and plezd to meet u..
RB . Thank u for ur awesome prayer..
That sounds like a great idea
:hugs: to allllk

the insight was about all the people who were purposing to make our grief more difficult...most of those people are now out of our lives for the most part, a few brief moments here and there. But to be honest, our grief was all but consuming us as it was, and then they added to it, it is a miracle we survived it. A greater miracle, that we are learning to thrive in the midst of it. Not only had we suddenly lost our son, sent another to war, and had to deal with evil people, but we had to protect many people from those evils around us, our youngest thought of suicide, the young woman who was celebrating her graduation, was consumed with guilt over allowing swimming, the rest of the family was struggling with that and other issues that even now are tearing their family apart (very tragic) one of the people who was being evil, was attacking our church and pastor and ended up having to be kicked out of the church. Seriously, without the power of the living God, we would have been lost in our pain and you would have never met me....but God is good and His grace is bountiful and healing can be found in the midst of pain beyond what we can fathom.

Still "leaving"...finishing some things on the forums, and keeping the account open in case I need to do some research into what people think and believe, but otherwise done here at least for a season. This study is consuming me, in fact, maybe when it is to the point of formal sharing, I'll pop back in and start a thread about it, just for fun.

And before I forget and get wrapped up in my study for the day, you have blessed me greatly today. Thanks for your post, hope to run into you again soon.

 

[artqween]

the insight was about all the people who were purposing to make our grief more difficult...most of those people are now out of our lives for the most part, a few brief moments here and there. But to be honest, our grief was all but consuming us as it was, and then they added to it, it is a miracle we survived it. A greater miracle, that we are learning to thrive in the midst of it. Not only had we suddenly lost our son, sent another to war, and had to deal with evil people, but we had to protect many people from those evils around us, our youngest thought of suicide, the young woman who was celebrating her graduation, was consumed with guilt over allowing swimming, the rest of the family was struggling with that and other issues that even now are tearing their family apart (very tragic) one of the people who was being evil, was attacking our church and pastor and ended up having to be kicked out of the church. Seriously, without the power of the living God, we would have been lost in our pain and you would have never met me....but God is good and His grace is bountiful and healing can be found in the midst of pain beyond what we can fathom.

Still "leaving"...finishing some things on the forums, and keeping the account open in case I need to do some research into what people think and believe, but otherwise done here at least for a season. This study is consuming me, in fact, maybe when it is to the point of formal sharing, I'll pop back in and start a thread about it, just for fun.

And before I forget and get wrapped up in my study for the day, you have blessed me greatly today. Thanks for your post, hope to run into you again soon.

Awww, Thanx.. how did i bless u today. Glad i made an inspired empression. Hope it last forever. Plezd to meet u too. Good luck in ur studies. Make sure u eat well and be a comfort spot when u read and try to picture what u r studing. If u r around other students studing the samething see if y guys can demo it? Suggestion. What r u studing?? May u have an enrichd day
Filld with harmony,... Laugh a lot today
My friend. Itll keep u young. Always
Smile even in ur words my friend. May u always have a zest for Gods World..
razz..