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anyone have any insight?
- Thread starter razzelflabben
- Start date
It's been awhile since I posted here...I guess it just got to the point that talking no longer helped. I am tired beyond words. I actually stopped the other day and thought about it and our family has been through at least 4 if not 5 (depending on how you count it) traumas that have destroyed more families than not. Now with my health taking another turn I just don't have it in me anymore and yet God tells me to persevere....I don't know if anyone is still listening on here, but if anyone is, please pray for our family especially this weekend. Long long long story...our daughter so needs to stop running from God and everyone that reminds her that God is her answer and this weekend she is coming home with her latest defiance and that going off on me and threatening to disown me if I don't stop doing something I never did in the first place. It's all very sad and complicated. Personally I am not ready to forgive her though I don't expect her to ask me to even though she told her father she was wrong and over reacted. I don't know, at this point I can't even think about taking one more breath and yet I Love the Lord too much not to take another. I can't win no matter what I say or do...my husband says that Satan is using my desire to be above reproach to try to force me to hurt myself because I take things personally and go overboard to blame myself rather than believe that someone else is at fault. (our son said something similar...lol) I don't know anymore...I'm tired...I've had enough...I so want to be done with this life...with all this drama...yet all I can do is cry in the arms of my Lord and King and wait for Him to bring me home.
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Tired of being caught in this life, want to die so bad...sooo bad....not even words to express what is in my heart at the moment. I know I can't kill myself so no one go off on me in fact, I'm happy if no one responds at all.
Basically this weekend, things got ugly and when it all shakes down it comes to this...I am not suppose to feel anything, think anything, have any ideas or thoughts. I am suppose to just smile and not say anything to anyone about anything and I mean this literally, that is what I was told when you remove all the lies and come to only the meat of the argument. I am not suppose to be human at all and honestly I don't know how to not be human. I'm too tired to try to figure it out anymore and I am done!!!! I can hold my tongue and not say anything to anyone and I guess I will start now, with this post. Anything I say from now on will be said to myself or my God and no one else unless it is required for me to fix a meal or something. End of story...starting today, starting this moment I am no longer human....
Basically this weekend, things got ugly and when it all shakes down it comes to this...I am not suppose to feel anything, think anything, have any ideas or thoughts. I am suppose to just smile and not say anything to anyone about anything and I mean this literally, that is what I was told when you remove all the lies and come to only the meat of the argument. I am not suppose to be human at all and honestly I don't know how to not be human. I'm too tired to try to figure it out anymore and I am done!!!! I can hold my tongue and not say anything to anyone and I guess I will start now, with this post. Anything I say from now on will be said to myself or my God and no one else unless it is required for me to fix a meal or something. End of story...starting today, starting this moment I am no longer human....
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Question of the day...why, when people tell you something your entire life and you finally accept what they said as truth, do people try to convince you it is not true?
Again, saying this for me, not for any stranglers wanting to read and respond with some form of compassion.
My story began when I was about 6. My life was so out of control that I was looking for a way to kill myself. God rescued me that day and allowed me to thrive in an environment that should have killed me. Just to give a brief understanding. Not only was my mother controlling and manipulative but my father would beat with his belt. for those that have followed my posts you might remember me talking about one of my father's beatings. My siblings were also abusive and one of my brothers tried to rape me. In addition to all of this, I have severe swelling of the throat and tongue type allergies to onions. Instead of stopping forcing me to eat onions I was forced to eat them every day, they were even used as punishment and to accommodate my tongue swelling my mouth was made bigger through orthodontics. An example of other allergies has to do with chemicals that cause asthma. One day (typical example of my life) my father put a chemical on the cat. I couldn't breath. My mother and now husband were trying to convince me to go to the ER so I could get help to breath. My father put the chemical on the carpet and laughed. This kind of stuff has been going on my entire life.
Now I do not want to cause such harm to anyone ever and I want them to know they are precious and so I go to the extreme to be above reproach when I am dealing with living my life. Ha...what has that gotten me. My husband preached in the first church he pastored that we are to love even our enemies. The congregation didn't like that so they threatened him, he didn't bend so they threatened me, he didn't bend so they threatened our children. When that wasn't enough to cause him to bend they fired him....one church was so upset by similar teachings that two much older deacon children physically assaulted our two oldest boys to the point of near ER visit....etc.etc.etc.
Eventually we were asked to say goodbye to our second son in a freak swimming accident. In the midst of all of that our eldest was going to war for the second time, I was having health issues, etc. the health issues grew worse under dr. care to the point in which I was literally dying because they would not listen and gave me the wrong medications. Basically it stems from years and years and years of allergy related issues, lack of oxygen because of untreated asthma and meds that are never to be given to people with allergies. In fact, one Dr. told me to be quiet because I was too ignorant to know what my own symptoms were. My husband tried to correct him as to what my symptoms really were and the dr. told my husband the same thing. Well long story short under Dr. care I literally was on deaths door and no one would help. After prayer my husband and I found some help through natural self medication and though I am still barely able to function I am so much better it is scary. But....
The combination of things drove our third son to depression, disassociative disorder that has driven him not only to transgenderism but horrible lies about how he was raised, lies that can be evidenced lies many different ways. But all of that has driven him not only to all of that but to disown me. He hasn't even spoken to me for a couple of years now. Basically, I said, "you will always be loved, welcomed, invited into our home, you will always be our child." to which he went off about how he knew I would never accept him for the decisions he was making. I said, but you are accepted and respected enough to allow you to make the decisions you want to make. To which I got another rant about never accepting him and that he wanted me to ignore him from now on.
With 2 children lost, we come to our next huge drama...our daughter is in Germany and raped. Things in that situation went from bad to worse and she is now, not talking to me, married to a guy we suspect is manipulating and controlling her, etc.
Now, I come to the forum in order to get my mind off me and what is going on here and have some meaningful discussion. BTW, our eldest turned to alcohol and is an alcoholic, our youngest is an agnostic and is the most kind of all the kids at this point but suffers with depression and fits of anger stemming from both his brothers death and the poverty we have lived in. Anyway on the forum people get offended by things like me accepting an apology and report me so that I am warned. In the meantime I am warned for not reporting flaming so I start reporting it and I get in trouble for reporting too much...in the meantime my daughter accused me of manipulation because I will step back and calm myself instead of allowing disagreements to escalate into shouting matches.
So I have come to the point where I accept that I can't win, that I have no value, not even worthy of the air I breath and the response when I speak that truth is that 'everyone has value, if you ever want to come back I will try to show you where you went wrong.'....seriously, calming myself is manipulation and accepting an apology is against forum rules and I am the one that is wrong....when did loving others become evil? when did accepting an apology become wrong? When did taking a moment become manipulation? when did teaching that we are to love even our enemies become wrong? When did wanting to breath become too much to ask from life? I don't get it, but honestly I am not ready or willing to change....I am determined to continue to love unconditionally. I am not likely to change my need to breath. I am not willing to compromise the word of God. So, I accept the truth that because of this, I have no value. it's a simple fact of my life. No emotional garbage, just a simple acceptance of what I have been told my entire life. I can hold my tongue, never speak, push aside all my thoughts and ideas and opinions. And the study that God is asking of me, I can put it on paper and hide it in my computer and allow it to remain there so that I no longer offend people by still being alive.
This is way more than an emotional tantrum so if anyone does read this, don't bother it is not spoken to try to get attention or anything, I just don't understand how when I finally accept that I have no value that people try to tell me that I do. I am not willing to change the things that people are upset about which means I am not willing to have value by their standards, it's a simple fact of life. So be it. I am in Love with my Lord and King and He is the only one that is worthy of telling me to stop loving, stop caring, stop forgiving, etc. and since HE hasn't told me it is time to stop, so I won't. End of story. If I can accept I have no value, others should certainly be able to accept it as well.
Again, saying this for me, not for any stranglers wanting to read and respond with some form of compassion.
My story began when I was about 6. My life was so out of control that I was looking for a way to kill myself. God rescued me that day and allowed me to thrive in an environment that should have killed me. Just to give a brief understanding. Not only was my mother controlling and manipulative but my father would beat with his belt. for those that have followed my posts you might remember me talking about one of my father's beatings. My siblings were also abusive and one of my brothers tried to rape me. In addition to all of this, I have severe swelling of the throat and tongue type allergies to onions. Instead of stopping forcing me to eat onions I was forced to eat them every day, they were even used as punishment and to accommodate my tongue swelling my mouth was made bigger through orthodontics. An example of other allergies has to do with chemicals that cause asthma. One day (typical example of my life) my father put a chemical on the cat. I couldn't breath. My mother and now husband were trying to convince me to go to the ER so I could get help to breath. My father put the chemical on the carpet and laughed. This kind of stuff has been going on my entire life.
Now I do not want to cause such harm to anyone ever and I want them to know they are precious and so I go to the extreme to be above reproach when I am dealing with living my life. Ha...what has that gotten me. My husband preached in the first church he pastored that we are to love even our enemies. The congregation didn't like that so they threatened him, he didn't bend so they threatened me, he didn't bend so they threatened our children. When that wasn't enough to cause him to bend they fired him....one church was so upset by similar teachings that two much older deacon children physically assaulted our two oldest boys to the point of near ER visit....etc.etc.etc.
Eventually we were asked to say goodbye to our second son in a freak swimming accident. In the midst of all of that our eldest was going to war for the second time, I was having health issues, etc. the health issues grew worse under dr. care to the point in which I was literally dying because they would not listen and gave me the wrong medications. Basically it stems from years and years and years of allergy related issues, lack of oxygen because of untreated asthma and meds that are never to be given to people with allergies. In fact, one Dr. told me to be quiet because I was too ignorant to know what my own symptoms were. My husband tried to correct him as to what my symptoms really were and the dr. told my husband the same thing. Well long story short under Dr. care I literally was on deaths door and no one would help. After prayer my husband and I found some help through natural self medication and though I am still barely able to function I am so much better it is scary. But....
The combination of things drove our third son to depression, disassociative disorder that has driven him not only to transgenderism but horrible lies about how he was raised, lies that can be evidenced lies many different ways. But all of that has driven him not only to all of that but to disown me. He hasn't even spoken to me for a couple of years now. Basically, I said, "you will always be loved, welcomed, invited into our home, you will always be our child." to which he went off about how he knew I would never accept him for the decisions he was making. I said, but you are accepted and respected enough to allow you to make the decisions you want to make. To which I got another rant about never accepting him and that he wanted me to ignore him from now on.
With 2 children lost, we come to our next huge drama...our daughter is in Germany and raped. Things in that situation went from bad to worse and she is now, not talking to me, married to a guy we suspect is manipulating and controlling her, etc.
Now, I come to the forum in order to get my mind off me and what is going on here and have some meaningful discussion. BTW, our eldest turned to alcohol and is an alcoholic, our youngest is an agnostic and is the most kind of all the kids at this point but suffers with depression and fits of anger stemming from both his brothers death and the poverty we have lived in. Anyway on the forum people get offended by things like me accepting an apology and report me so that I am warned. In the meantime I am warned for not reporting flaming so I start reporting it and I get in trouble for reporting too much...in the meantime my daughter accused me of manipulation because I will step back and calm myself instead of allowing disagreements to escalate into shouting matches.
So I have come to the point where I accept that I can't win, that I have no value, not even worthy of the air I breath and the response when I speak that truth is that 'everyone has value, if you ever want to come back I will try to show you where you went wrong.'....seriously, calming myself is manipulation and accepting an apology is against forum rules and I am the one that is wrong....when did loving others become evil? when did accepting an apology become wrong? When did taking a moment become manipulation? when did teaching that we are to love even our enemies become wrong? When did wanting to breath become too much to ask from life? I don't get it, but honestly I am not ready or willing to change....I am determined to continue to love unconditionally. I am not likely to change my need to breath. I am not willing to compromise the word of God. So, I accept the truth that because of this, I have no value. it's a simple fact of my life. No emotional garbage, just a simple acceptance of what I have been told my entire life. I can hold my tongue, never speak, push aside all my thoughts and ideas and opinions. And the study that God is asking of me, I can put it on paper and hide it in my computer and allow it to remain there so that I no longer offend people by still being alive.
This is way more than an emotional tantrum so if anyone does read this, don't bother it is not spoken to try to get attention or anything, I just don't understand how when I finally accept that I have no value that people try to tell me that I do. I am not willing to change the things that people are upset about which means I am not willing to have value by their standards, it's a simple fact of life. So be it. I am in Love with my Lord and King and He is the only one that is worthy of telling me to stop loving, stop caring, stop forgiving, etc. and since HE hasn't told me it is time to stop, so I won't. End of story. If I can accept I have no value, others should certainly be able to accept it as well.
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Confession time...I am so upset about all of this that I have stopped eating when no one is around. If my husband or son are here they "pester" me to eat since I have the tendency not to eat anyway. it's two fold, because of all the chemical contamination in our food every bite I take could literally be a lethal bite of food. In addition I am upset and don't like to eat. In fact, our daughter listed my health as one of her problems with me....don't know how to change that apart from dying which God hasn't yet permitted.
The real problem is that I no longer know what is truth and what is not. Take one incident with my father years ago, he smelled something on the porch. I spoke the list of things I could check so I could eradicate the smell and he got so irate he called the police on me. They took him to the psych ward then released him. As I said, I couldn't bare to hurt someone like I was hurt but no one will tell me what I am doing wrong.
As above, I won't change forgiving when someone asks me to forgive them, nor will I stop calming myself down in an argument so that I can communicate effectively. But that said, if I am out of line I want to know it and all I ever get is stupid stuff. For example, calming yourself is manipulation and you need to stop manipulating me...really, the rest of the world thinks that calming yourself is good.
Another example, as I prayed and thought back with our daughter, every time she got irate with me it was because I said something she didn't like based on a lie that she told me. For example the latest outburst before Easter. She told me she was going to school in Ohio. I said, cool where in Ohio. She told me and I said, cool, that would be about X from us. That is when the nasty started and come to find out it was because she was planning on going to school Y when she told me X and so the difference in her mind meant that I didn't understand she was going to spend most of her time somewhere other than home and thus was justified to accuse me of trying to control her because I said, that would be X miles from us on the false information she gave me of where she was going to go to school. Now, how can I read her mind and know what is when she tells me something false? This happened when she was raped too. I based my response on her telling me she was not hurt, when in fact she was. So she is irate because I didn't respond as if I knew she was hurt even though she assured me she wasn't. How can I improve myself so that I don't hurt her or anyone else when I have no clue what I am supposed to be doing wrong?
Our son told me the other day that I can be defensive. I agreed, see it really is that easy...but I am defensive over what is truth. So, where I can try to control how that defense is perceived, I can't and don't think it is wise to change that I defend truth. Yet time and time again, I am attacked and no one can give me a rational reason for it.
My husband says it is Satan attacking me because he knows he can get me to hurt myself. Maybe, but to see the world that way, isn't that self righteous? boastful? arrogant? And those are not the things we are called to in Christ. I guess the point of this whole post is to try to talk some of this out so that I can make sense out of some part of this whole mess. I can say to a stranger what I said to my daughter and they would be excited I took interest in them, but our daughter accuses me of control...how is that even possible? How is it possible for a stranger to say, cool, you care about what I am saying and our daughter takes the exact same words and accuses me of manipulation and control...both said in the same tone and spirit and both said without even the thought of control or manipulation, in fact, totally down with the decision.
I don't know, I am tired and struggling to figure out what is truth so that I can cling to truth and discard lies. Want someone to tell me what I am doing wrong but refuse to accept things like forgiving and calming myself are wrong.
The real problem is that I no longer know what is truth and what is not. Take one incident with my father years ago, he smelled something on the porch. I spoke the list of things I could check so I could eradicate the smell and he got so irate he called the police on me. They took him to the psych ward then released him. As I said, I couldn't bare to hurt someone like I was hurt but no one will tell me what I am doing wrong.
As above, I won't change forgiving when someone asks me to forgive them, nor will I stop calming myself down in an argument so that I can communicate effectively. But that said, if I am out of line I want to know it and all I ever get is stupid stuff. For example, calming yourself is manipulation and you need to stop manipulating me...really, the rest of the world thinks that calming yourself is good.
Another example, as I prayed and thought back with our daughter, every time she got irate with me it was because I said something she didn't like based on a lie that she told me. For example the latest outburst before Easter. She told me she was going to school in Ohio. I said, cool where in Ohio. She told me and I said, cool, that would be about X from us. That is when the nasty started and come to find out it was because she was planning on going to school Y when she told me X and so the difference in her mind meant that I didn't understand she was going to spend most of her time somewhere other than home and thus was justified to accuse me of trying to control her because I said, that would be X miles from us on the false information she gave me of where she was going to go to school. Now, how can I read her mind and know what is when she tells me something false? This happened when she was raped too. I based my response on her telling me she was not hurt, when in fact she was. So she is irate because I didn't respond as if I knew she was hurt even though she assured me she wasn't. How can I improve myself so that I don't hurt her or anyone else when I have no clue what I am supposed to be doing wrong?
Our son told me the other day that I can be defensive. I agreed, see it really is that easy...but I am defensive over what is truth. So, where I can try to control how that defense is perceived, I can't and don't think it is wise to change that I defend truth. Yet time and time again, I am attacked and no one can give me a rational reason for it.
My husband says it is Satan attacking me because he knows he can get me to hurt myself. Maybe, but to see the world that way, isn't that self righteous? boastful? arrogant? And those are not the things we are called to in Christ. I guess the point of this whole post is to try to talk some of this out so that I can make sense out of some part of this whole mess. I can say to a stranger what I said to my daughter and they would be excited I took interest in them, but our daughter accuses me of control...how is that even possible? How is it possible for a stranger to say, cool, you care about what I am saying and our daughter takes the exact same words and accuses me of manipulation and control...both said in the same tone and spirit and both said without even the thought of control or manipulation, in fact, totally down with the decision.
I don't know, I am tired and struggling to figure out what is truth so that I can cling to truth and discard lies. Want someone to tell me what I am doing wrong but refuse to accept things like forgiving and calming myself are wrong.
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This is what I am talking about...I bit the bullet got involved in a conversation on here, asked someone a question about their stand and told them right up front I was just trying to understand what they believe and why they believe it and it is starting to turn ugly without me ever getting an answer to my question.
How is it offensive to try to understand another person and their position? If it's wrong, I don't want to be right but at the same time I am obsessed with not hurting others. I can't win!!!!
No words left, there is nothing about any of this that makes sense. I have been praying for God to show me truth and I am uncomfortable with what I see because it sounds boastful and proud and such, but seriously, when I am told that it is wrong to try to understand another person I just don't get it....argh...need to see clearly the truth and be able to accept that truth no matter how it sounds.
How is it offensive to try to understand another person and their position? If it's wrong, I don't want to be right but at the same time I am obsessed with not hurting others. I can't win!!!!
No words left, there is nothing about any of this that makes sense. I have been praying for God to show me truth and I am uncomfortable with what I see because it sounds boastful and proud and such, but seriously, when I am told that it is wrong to try to understand another person I just don't get it....argh...need to see clearly the truth and be able to accept that truth no matter how it sounds.
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faroukfarouk
Fading curmudgeon
You are most probably not doing anything wrong. Sounds like you have a lot of pressure with your young ppl; moms often do, and a faithful, calm, praying mom amidst a lot of confused words can be a great strength and blessing, even if they don't admit it now.
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Scripture tells us that Love which is what we are called to, is to treat others as we would treat ourselves. Herein lies the problem for me anyway. I believe with everything I am that we are to Love one another and yet in each of the situations I am struggling to understand, if the shoe was on the other foot, it wouldn't have bothered me in the slightest. In fact, in most of them I would have thanked the person. If I am to Love as I would love myself and I would have no issue, then how can I know when I am wrong in these situations.
Take the latest on the forums...for someone to ask me how I came to the conclusions I did, I would be so thrilled it would hurt because quite frankly I am tired of people who don't listen when I talk to them. For someone to actually listen would be amazing. But in the situation, the other person is upset and offended and trying to flame me for asking him to explain to me where he is coming from. How can I possibly know when to ask and when not to when being asked by anyone is the coolest thing in the world to me?
Just like with our daughter who still isn't talking to me, she is upset because she told me a different city than she wanted to tell me and I responded accordingly without judgment. To her that is judgment and control to me, I would have said, oops, I meant X and if I still thought there might be judgment I would have asked if that changed the persons mind...I certainly wouldn't have been so offended at making a mistake that I lashed out at the other person so bad as to disfellowship from them simply because I made a mistake, to me that is insanity to be that offended by everything.
Thus, I return to the question at hand, how can I stop offending people by treating them as they want to be treated if I can't understand what in a given situation should offend them? Take forgiving on the forums for example. I get why it was reported since the apology was given in private message but what I don't get is why the forum rules would prohibit me from accepting that apology without warning me of violations...in my book, if I apologize to someone and they accept it I am thrilled...likewise I encourage others to forgive and reconcile because I find it a good thing. How did it become evil to forgive? to respond appropriate to what you are told? To try to understand another POV? to respect the right of another to make their own choices? To unconditionally accept another person without judgment? When did these things become so evil that they would destroy relationships, cause fights, and further cause pains that are beyond words? This I cannot comprehend...and so that no one starts anything, what I am saying is documented as what really happened, I have taken great care to make sure I am not exaggerating things here.
My husband said last night that he thought it was because I speak truth and people don't want to hear truth anymore....but when did telling the truth become a bad thing? When did an innocent question of another POV become so disturbing to the truth that it is offensive to ask? None of this makes any sense as I struggle beneath the weight of it all...again, not asking for responses just trying to figure it all out.
Take the latest on the forums...for someone to ask me how I came to the conclusions I did, I would be so thrilled it would hurt because quite frankly I am tired of people who don't listen when I talk to them. For someone to actually listen would be amazing. But in the situation, the other person is upset and offended and trying to flame me for asking him to explain to me where he is coming from. How can I possibly know when to ask and when not to when being asked by anyone is the coolest thing in the world to me?
Just like with our daughter who still isn't talking to me, she is upset because she told me a different city than she wanted to tell me and I responded accordingly without judgment. To her that is judgment and control to me, I would have said, oops, I meant X and if I still thought there might be judgment I would have asked if that changed the persons mind...I certainly wouldn't have been so offended at making a mistake that I lashed out at the other person so bad as to disfellowship from them simply because I made a mistake, to me that is insanity to be that offended by everything.
Thus, I return to the question at hand, how can I stop offending people by treating them as they want to be treated if I can't understand what in a given situation should offend them? Take forgiving on the forums for example. I get why it was reported since the apology was given in private message but what I don't get is why the forum rules would prohibit me from accepting that apology without warning me of violations...in my book, if I apologize to someone and they accept it I am thrilled...likewise I encourage others to forgive and reconcile because I find it a good thing. How did it become evil to forgive? to respond appropriate to what you are told? To try to understand another POV? to respect the right of another to make their own choices? To unconditionally accept another person without judgment? When did these things become so evil that they would destroy relationships, cause fights, and further cause pains that are beyond words? This I cannot comprehend...and so that no one starts anything, what I am saying is documented as what really happened, I have taken great care to make sure I am not exaggerating things here.
My husband said last night that he thought it was because I speak truth and people don't want to hear truth anymore....but when did telling the truth become a bad thing? When did an innocent question of another POV become so disturbing to the truth that it is offensive to ask? None of this makes any sense as I struggle beneath the weight of it all...again, not asking for responses just trying to figure it all out.
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faroukfarouk
Fading curmudgeon
Here's a good verse:
"But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." (Isaiah 40.31)
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well, today brings some hope...I had some business to deal with our daughter and she responded with "yas" and "Okay. Thank You." that is the most she has said to me since Easter, so there is still hope I guess....
Here is the problem. I have no baseline for understanding what is and is not okay. I was told I was to blame so much as a child that by the time my husband and I started dating I was convinced I was insane. He witnessed some things and in that was able to convince me that I was not making it up. He is a kind of earthly savior (used loosely) for me. WEll, he told me repeatedly that this was not my fault and so I believed him but then it came time to be my intercession he chickened out because he doesn't like conflict and then tried to put some of the blame on me so that our daughter wasn't so upset. That messed me totally up because I have no filter to know, no understanding to base things on of what is and is not my fault. I am slowly working it out as he confesses his sin and our son tries to teach me ways to learn the difference but the bottom line is that if I don't understand what I did wrong or how it was wrong I will just beat myself up trying to figure out why I can't be worthy of even understanding simple things like that.
To multiple that, my not eating has caused another catch 22. Because of my health issues, not eating has had some positive effects, but it also has had negative effects. The only diet that is safe for me is a non GMO organic, no meat that is grain fed, high protein diet and we simply can't afford that kind of food. We are trying to get to the point where we provide all our own food so that we have some control but we lack time and money to get it done. So I get this new catch 22, I eat and risk (literally) my life with every bite, or I don't eat and starve to death, again literally. It's all just so complicated and I don't know how to make sense of it all. I am trying to figure it out and I will remain faithful to God as I do, that is the best I got at the moment.
Here is the problem. I have no baseline for understanding what is and is not okay. I was told I was to blame so much as a child that by the time my husband and I started dating I was convinced I was insane. He witnessed some things and in that was able to convince me that I was not making it up. He is a kind of earthly savior (used loosely) for me. WEll, he told me repeatedly that this was not my fault and so I believed him but then it came time to be my intercession he chickened out because he doesn't like conflict and then tried to put some of the blame on me so that our daughter wasn't so upset. That messed me totally up because I have no filter to know, no understanding to base things on of what is and is not my fault. I am slowly working it out as he confesses his sin and our son tries to teach me ways to learn the difference but the bottom line is that if I don't understand what I did wrong or how it was wrong I will just beat myself up trying to figure out why I can't be worthy of even understanding simple things like that.
To multiple that, my not eating has caused another catch 22. Because of my health issues, not eating has had some positive effects, but it also has had negative effects. The only diet that is safe for me is a non GMO organic, no meat that is grain fed, high protein diet and we simply can't afford that kind of food. We are trying to get to the point where we provide all our own food so that we have some control but we lack time and money to get it done. So I get this new catch 22, I eat and risk (literally) my life with every bite, or I don't eat and starve to death, again literally. It's all just so complicated and I don't know how to make sense of it all. I am trying to figure it out and I will remain faithful to God as I do, that is the best I got at the moment.
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faroukfarouk
Fading curmudgeon
Keep living consistently and praying for the family daily (and visit a dietician!)
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the dietitian won't be able to fix what is wrong...time and money till we can raise all our food is what will help.
btw, thanks for all the kind words, I will be okay just trying to figure this all out is all. Too many lies. Our daughter confessed to escalating things, stretching the truth, over reacting, etc. but refuses to accept the false statements are lies because she didn't have premeditated malice....that just doesn't make sense in my mind. Trying to figure it out can sometimes take time. Don't worry, I've been through this kind of crude before.
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faroukfarouk
Fading curmudgeon
Reading up a bit of advice on the Web, etc. might help as a reminder of what you already may know.
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been researching it for a few years now. Basically the only answer is non GMO organic food including but not limited to pasture fed non antibiotic and growth hormone meat. God granted us some land (long miracle story) that will allow us to provide that for ourselves but the time and money we need to set it all up and get started isn't there yet. Can't afford to buy such food so we are kind of stuck. The problem is that our food supply is pretty much 100% contaminated at this point. It's all a long story and the Dr. made it worse when I was in Dr. care. IOW's before Dr. care I was able to metabolize it better than I do now. Trying to rebalance my system is a nightmare. No worries though, God knows it all and this is where He put me for whatever reason He has yet to reveal. Bit by bit. We are currently getting berries in the ground, when they produce in a year or two we will have some to eat and some to sell. Currently have the stuff to set up for chickens just haven't had the time to get it set up. Have a source for almost there pork (better for my health) but don't have the money for the hog or butchering at the moment. My husband is getting some overtime this week (very unusual) so maybe that will help some with the money but hurts with the setting things up since I am unable to do it now, our son still at home is overworked at school and his work, and the other kids are too far away to help. Like it or not, we have to put our trust in God and in that rest. It's just all very frustrating, difficult, and somewhat confusing. Believe it or not, about 2 years ago in Sept. I was literally dieing and the Dr. wouldn't do anything. Took things in our own control and I am stable, barely able to walk, low oxygen, etc. but stable and able to do things like study the word, write books, and be on the forum which is better than I was doing.
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the nutshell version of my health issues goes back to the allergy issues when I was very young. Instead of dealing with it, I was forced to eat the things I was having throat and tongue swelling for. this put my body in a constant state of stress, enter cortisol. This has been going on since I was very very very young with no relief. I am also "allergic" to commonly used chemicals like round up. these chemicals are now so prevalent that you cannot escape them. I have different reactions to different chemicals but a typical example. Hand soaps (antibacterial) have a chemical I cannot tolerate. One afternoon my husband and son took me out for lunch. I went to the restroom and used only water but had such a severe reaction that I was literally gasping for breath by the time I walked out of the building. Since one of the reactions I have is asthma, my oxygen level is generally low. In fact, my blood work shows that I have long term untreated asthma that causes off the charts hemoglobin which can by itself kill you. So, not only do I have the allergy issues that no one will treat (Long story) but the constant stress causes high cortisol levels which wreck havoc on your system. But after a while, the adrenal glands put out a constant stream of cortisol. The spikes were so high that my bp was spiking to over 200/100 every night and could drop to 90 over 40 in less than an hour. The yo yo affect was brutal. Still no help. In the meantime the Dr. put me on meds that were not to be used on people with allergies. I was on them for about 7 years and the Dr. refused to listen. Things got so bad that I could no longer function at all. Basically the natural ability of my body to fight the allergies was totally removed. At one point I shook hands with someone who had round up on them and didn't know it. My reaction was so harsh that I was in bed with my circulatory, digestive, and respiratory systems all trying to shut down for a week. All because I shook hands with someone who touched a weed that had been sprayed and thought that there was nothing on his hand.
Well, our food source now has pretty much 100% contamination and without money for groceries that are chemical free, we are stuck. I can't keep the cortisol down. The allergies are so severe just having the wind blow when a farmer sprays can set off severe attacks. etc. etc. etc. My muscles are now compromised and I barely have the strength to walk. Not only does every symptom fit what I am saying but it reacts naturally to what we are able to do. And that is the nutshell version.
Well, our food source now has pretty much 100% contamination and without money for groceries that are chemical free, we are stuck. I can't keep the cortisol down. The allergies are so severe just having the wind blow when a farmer sprays can set off severe attacks. etc. etc. etc. My muscles are now compromised and I barely have the strength to walk. Not only does every symptom fit what I am saying but it reacts naturally to what we are able to do. And that is the nutshell version.
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faroukfarouk
Fading curmudgeon
Thinking of you.
Wonderful you can still study the Word. Job said he esteemed the words of God's mouth more than his necessary food (Job 23.12).
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