I try not to say much on here anymore since it appears that some people don't like that I am being so honest. None the less, I need to talk at the moment...This week was beautiful in that a dear atheist friend gave his life to Christ....can't beat that, but it was also full of more heartache. Our children are still far far away, not dealing with their brothers death. The difficulty of dealing with the anniversary of that death is coming quickly. So we are missing him all over again, then to top off my day, I talk to my mother this morning...now, to understand some of this, my father died a few months ago, he died a man professing Christ but living in a great deal of evil. My mother, was abusive as well but I still allowed myself to love them in Christ. Part of (definitely not all of) the abuse was related to them not...well, long story, so let's shorten it to the end result is a chronic health issue that I can't get anyone to treat (easy treatment) because it has been going on for so long untreated (short version, more to it than that) So today, my mother and I were talking about the kids and how they are not dealing with their brothers death (serious issues are resulting, horrible stuff, some demonic) and my health. At the end of the discussion, she said, "your just screwed"...now keep in mind, she is in large part why I have severe health issues today and her indifference when I was young. This came after she said, "when you die, tell dad I said hi." Really! Really!
Right now (yes I know this is emotion and I will get over it) I wish we were not called to love, cause honestly, it would be so much easier to hate, to walk away and never speak to her again. They have helped us on occasion, don't get me wrong, I totally appreciate the help they have given us, but I am so hurt right now and angry...in fact, every time my health is brought up, she says, "If only we would have known." Hog wash, not only did I repeatedly tell them, but a professional did too....then I get, "you were just too young to explain it to us." Really, I have been married for almost 29 years, one of the first things my now husband knew about me when we met was this health issue. Yet it has only been in the last 5 to 10 years that my family has ever started to accept it as a health issue and some of my sibs are just not getting it through their heads, literally, my sister in law is just this year figuring out that it is an issue that is literally killing me and maybe it's not okay to just keep pushing it....
Wow, what a rant...was trying to save it for my husband but he is working through lunch so it will be awhile before i get to talk to him, so I come here and unload, sorry to anyone still reading this thread. I want to hate, want to walk away and never speak to them again, and yet, I can't, it isn't in me any longer, that is the old man, and I am, in Christ the new creation that He promised and I will embrace that new creation, but, in the midst of all of that, I will cry, I will hurt, and I will wonder why no one here can actually love me, why I am not worthy of even a parents or siblings, or at the moment a child's love. Mellow dramatic I know, just how I feel at the moment. If nothing else, I want my kids to come home, to stop running, to stop taking it out on me and just come home...
Sorry...so sorry for venting....at least it is the internet and you don't have to read it
