anyone have any insight?

[razzelflabben]

Thank you for understanding. Sorry that i cant be more helpful.

no worries, like I said, your words were encouraging and kind. What you are missing is two fold, one...the whole mess began with the church but kept going into our family. It's not so easy as choosing to not to talk to or not talk to your husband and children. Two it has obviously been identified now as demonic attacks. At this point, there is no doubt of it, we even know the name of one of the demons involved. I know that there are people who will be freaked out over me saying that and some even will say, "no such thing", but there is currently no doubt. Add to that a very serious situation of harm to one of our children and the result of that is walking away from covenant in order to deal with the trauma and another child who can't deal with what is going on in the family very well, and a few other things thrown into the mix and you have a much clearer picture of what is going on even though even that is sketchy and won't do justice to the severity of the attacks we are currently under.

But again, your words were encouraging and kind and that is enough for the moment. Thank you.

 

[razzelflabben]

sitting here listening to Christmas music and our sons favorite song came on...man am I missing him right now!!!!!

To anyone reading, may your Christmas be blessed no matter the situation, may you be given vision to see beyond the pains that we all know.

 

[razzelflabben]

I haven't posted anything for awhile, but today, I think I need to talk, but there is no one I want to talk to, so I come here to write, which suits me better anyway.

I feel so numb, so dead, it's a long story how I got to this point and I was just telling my husband that I want to take a vacation, someplace away, in the mountains, quiet, wildlife, for as long as it takes to feel better. Satan is trying so hard right now to tear our family apart. I was talking to the pastor the other day and he even mentioned how we are being attacked on every side. He also talked about how he wonders how much different things would be in our family if our son was still here with us, and honestly, at least part of our family struggle is because of kids who refuse to deal with their brothers death. Six stinking years later and they still are struggling with it all and taking it out mostly on me. I'm so tired.....Things I can't even say here, just keep hitting and I am tired. I miss our son, I long for our kids to be whole again, to come home instead of pushing me away. I ache to do ministry again, but the church won't allow that, long long long story.

WEll, time to end this crying fest, ask God to take what is not mine and leave behind only truth and try to get some work done. I refuse to give up, I will stand firm in my Lord and endure till my last breath, no matter how much I wish it was time for that last breath.

To anyone reading this, may you be encouraged to endure, strengthened by HIs Love and held in His arms.

 

[nota]

razzelflabben,

As uncomfortable as I often feel on these Christian forums, I mostly come here to read.
If I feel drawn into responding to someone, it is usually to their suffering and sorrow. Because I can relate to that.
You have been through so much and some responses you received [reading this entire thread] are buttugly.
My spiritual life differs quite a bit from your`s but like I said, pain is what I can relate to.
Keep hanging onto Creator Jesus no matter what.
Certain Christian denoms will vehemently disagree with this, but there are sorrows we do not heal from in this mortal life. Healing will come in the next life, the eternal one.
Creator only knows WHY he lets us experience the darkness and He does everything right, even when we don't understand at all.
My "job", "calling", or whatever label you want to attach to it, in this the last part of my mortal life is to not add any more hate and cruelty to the world, including the Christian world. I refuse to return the uglies to the people who inflict them onto others.
I would rather touch someone in a blessing way, whether in person or from afar, whether I agree with them, their worldview, their politics, their whatever, or not.

May you feel Creator`s loving presence surround you and your`s.
He is always with us, even in the darkest night of our souls.

nota

 

[razzelflabben]

razzelflabben,

As uncomfortable as I often feel on these Christian forums, I mostly come here to read.
If I feel drawn into responding to someone, it is usually to their suffering and sorrow. Because I can relate to that.
You have been through so much and some responses you received [reading this entire thread] are buttugly.
My spiritual life differs quite a bit from your`s but like I said, pain is what I can relate to.
Keep hanging onto Creator Jesus no matter what.
Certain Christian denoms will vehemently disagree with this, but there are sorrows we do not heal from in this mortal life. Healing will come in the next life, the eternal one.
Creator only knows WHY he lets us experience the darkness and He does everything right, even when we don't understand at all.
My "job", "calling", or whatever label you want to attach to it, in this the last part of my mortal life is to not add any more hate and cruelty to the world, including the Christian world. I refuse to return the uglies to the people who inflict them onto others.
I would rather touch someone in a blessing way, whether in person or from afar, whether I agree with them, their worldview, their politics, their whatever, or not.

May you feel Creator`s loving presence surround you and your`s.
He is always with us, even in the darkest night of our souls.

nota

thank you for the encouragement...I am finding peace again, just not necessarily as fast as I like.

 

[razzelflabben]

so, I need to clear my mind so that I can get some work done. I don't expect or care if anyone responds, I just need to say it and be done.

One of many things going on in our family right now is my health. It's a very long story in which from the time I was very young, my health issues were exasperated because of indifference and pride. The end result is that I now have severe chronic issues and keep me mostly home bound. In fact, it is life threatening. I can't get Dr. help because of politics and add to that, the issue of insurance, it pretty much ends there. All of this was aggravated when I did go to the Dr. and they refused to listen, putting me on a med that made the whole thing go way out of control.

Well, yesterday, I wasn't too bad...we went to church and I was able to walk up the steps, not limp up. I still couldn't stand to sing, but hey, progress, right?! Right. We had some running, so we did that and no big problems. The best way to explain what is going on for people who don't know is that it is like having a respiratory infection for about 360 days a year every single year, so a good day is a huge thing. Some days, I just take it in stride, God and I have had many long talks and I get it is what He needs for me at this time (don't know about the future yet, and He is using it) but somedays, it just wears on me. So less than a quarter of a mile from home, we were hit with chemicals that started the whole thing all over again. I couldn't breath, I hurt, etc. When I finally did lay down last night, I hurt so bad I groaned in pain...

The thing is, I am not dealing with it very well right now, and I just need to say that and get rid of it so I can get back to the "good works" God is asking of me today. I am so tired right now, that I just want to stop, to just give up, yet God tells us to persevere and in His strength, I will, of this I know, in fact, He got me out of bed yet again today, which took a lot.

I'm tired of fighting this, tired of no body getting it, tired of people (even if they don't know they are) making it worse, tired of those who do know not helping...I'm so tired. Add all the other family issues, and I just want to go lay down and give up....it's a good thing the bed is covered in clothes I folded this morning, so there is no place to lay down...Hehehehehe

Well, I said it, I had a moment of pity party, and now, to focus on God, suck it up, find a way to get through the next day or two till I feel better and finish the project I am working on.

May you all know the strength of our Lord as He builds us up into the image of Christ our King.

 

[razzelflabben]

I try not to say much on here anymore since it appears that some people don't like that I am being so honest. None the less, I need to talk at the moment...This week was beautiful in that a dear atheist friend gave his life to Christ....can't beat that, but it was also full of more heartache. Our children are still far far away, not dealing with their brothers death. The difficulty of dealing with the anniversary of that death is coming quickly. So we are missing him all over again, then to top off my day, I talk to my mother this morning...now, to understand some of this, my father died a few months ago, he died a man professing Christ but living in a great deal of evil. My mother, was abusive as well but I still allowed myself to love them in Christ. Part of (definitely not all of) the abuse was related to them not...well, long story, so let's shorten it to the end result is a chronic health issue that I can't get anyone to treat (easy treatment) because it has been going on for so long untreated (short version, more to it than that) So today, my mother and I were talking about the kids and how they are not dealing with their brothers death (serious issues are resulting, horrible stuff, some demonic) and my health. At the end of the discussion, she said, "your just screwed"...now keep in mind, she is in large part why I have severe health issues today and her indifference when I was young. This came after she said, "when you die, tell dad I said hi." Really! Really!

Right now (yes I know this is emotion and I will get over it) I wish we were not called to love, cause honestly, it would be so much easier to hate, to walk away and never speak to her again. They have helped us on occasion, don't get me wrong, I totally appreciate the help they have given us, but I am so hurt right now and angry...in fact, every time my health is brought up, she says, "If only we would have known." Hog wash, not only did I repeatedly tell them, but a professional did too....then I get, "you were just too young to explain it to us." Really, I have been married for almost 29 years, one of the first things my now husband knew about me when we met was this health issue. Yet it has only been in the last 5 to 10 years that my family has ever started to accept it as a health issue and some of my sibs are just not getting it through their heads, literally, my sister in law is just this year figuring out that it is an issue that is literally killing me and maybe it's not okay to just keep pushing it....

Wow, what a rant...was trying to save it for my husband but he is working through lunch so it will be awhile before i get to talk to him, so I come here and unload, sorry to anyone still reading this thread. I want to hate, want to walk away and never speak to them again, and yet, I can't, it isn't in me any longer, that is the old man, and I am, in Christ the new creation that He promised and I will embrace that new creation, but, in the midst of all of that, I will cry, I will hurt, and I will wonder why no one here can actually love me, why I am not worthy of even a parents or siblings, or at the moment a child's love. Mellow dramatic I know, just how I feel at the moment. If nothing else, I want my kids to come home, to stop running, to stop taking it out on me and just come home...

Sorry...so sorry for venting....at least it is the internet and you don't have to read it

 

[razzelflabben]

Still ticked and hurt but got some wonderful news, our daughter will be moving, giving her a better chance of healing....still a long way to go, but at this point, even tiny things are huge...so excited that things seem to be moving in the right direction for her...now, for the rest of the people I love.

 

[razzelflabben]

I have been wondering lately how others see me, questions that to me seem...silly...like, do you ever feel so tired of it all you just want to sit down and cry, literally...really? Or after asking how I am doing, "are you human?" ...seriously?

I don't know, right now, I am so tired I don't want to take another breath, but if I call anyone they will ignore what I am saying and tell me everything they are battling and I will be the good "sister" and just listen and encourage them to keep on in faithful Love to our Lord, and then, I will feel more drained and more tired. I don't really want to talk right now, I just want to be allowed to be tired and have someone hear me actually say it....I'm tired...I am so in Love with my Lord, and He gives me peace every day that I allow Him to, and even in the midst of being tired, I have peace, but truth be told, I AM TIRED, so tired I've been sitting here crying, so tired I don't even want to breath, so tired I can barely focus on what I need to do today, so tired I just need someone to hear me say "I'm tired." and not have to listen to all of their pains for just a few moments in time...when God gives me new strength, I will listen again and be fine, but for the moment, I just want to say it without being asked to give more.

Okay, said it...whether anyone hears or not, I know God does and writing it just makes it feel easier....writing is what I do after all.

 

[Catherineanne]

I have been wondering lately how others see me, questions that to me seem...silly...like, do you ever feel so tired of it all you just want to sit down and cry, literally...really? Or after asking how I am doing, "are you human?" ...seriously?

I don't know, right now, I am so tired I don't want to take another breath, but if I call anyone they will ignore what I am saying and tell me everything they are battling and I will be the good "sister" and just listen and encourage them to keep on in faithful Love to our Lord, and then, I will feel more drained and more tired. I don't really want to talk right now, I just want to be allowed to be tired and have someone hear me actually say it....I'm tired...I am so in Love with my Lord, and He gives me peace every day that I allow Him to, and even in the midst of being tired, I have peace, but truth be told, I AM TIRED, so tired I've been sitting here crying, so tired I don't even want to breath, so tired I can barely focus on what I need to do today, so tired I just need someone to hear me say "I'm tired." and not have to listen to all of their pains for just a few moments in time...when God gives me new strength, I will listen again and be fine, but for the moment, I just want to say it without being asked to give more.

Okay, said it...whether anyone hears or not, I know God does and writing it just makes it feel easier....writing is what I do after all.

I am so sorry for all that you are going through, Razzel; I can't imagine how difficult it must be. My dad died in January, so I understand at least part of it, but by no means all. But that is not to engage you to care for me; I have others for that. Just to say, I understand.

I also understand being tired; I think that comes naturally from spending time with abusive people; they drain us of energy. Sometimes it is sensible to step away from them and love them from a distance, rather than spending time with them. Like it or not, some of our families can be toxic, and spending time with them can cause us very real emotional harm.

Sometimes it is best to stay away, and try to recover our strength. Do try to be good to yourself, and take the time you need to become who God always intended you to be. xxx

 

[razzelflabben]

I am so sorry for all that you are going through, Razzel; I can't imagine how difficult it must be. My dad died in January, so I understand at least part of it, but by no means all. But that is not to engage you to care for me; I have others for that. Just to say, I understand.

I also understand being tired; I think that comes naturally from spending time with abusive people; they drain us of energy. Sometimes it is sensible to step away from them and love them from a distance, rather than spending time with them. Like it or not, some of our families can be toxic, and spending time with them can cause us very real emotional harm.

Sometimes it is best to stay away, and try to recover our strength. Do try to be good to yourself, and take the time you need to become who God always intended you to be. xxx

someday we will sit and talk, I honestly don't want to burden you or anyone else, which is largely why I say things here and then leave them here.

I will say this, yesterday, our daughter was so excited, first time I have seen her excited and happy since everything that happened to her (she is 19) today, she is distraught and heartbroken. Since all this happened, she has needed to put distance between herself and what happened, to come home where she knew she was safe. She does get to come back to the US and will only be 4 hours away, but the leave she was promised so she could come home for a visit isn't likely to happen, so she is hurting over that now. To make matters worse, my husband is having health issues and he may or may not be able to get vacation time to visit and pick up our daughter because of everything being in constant change...when anyone calls, it is, "how are you....oh well let me tell you our struggles..." I'm just tired at the moment that is all...but I really do appreciate you and sometime, we will sit and talk, just to talk....I'll be fine, I just need a break.

 

[Catherineanne]

someday we will sit and talk, I honestly don't want to burden you or anyone else, which is largely why I say things here and then leave them here.

I will say this, yesterday, our daughter was so excited, first time I have seen her excited and happy since everything that happened to her (she is 19) today, she is distraught and heartbroken. Since all this happened, she has needed to put distance between herself and what happened, to come home where she knew she was safe. She does get to come back to the US and will only be 4 hours away, but the leave she was promised so she could come home for a visit isn't likely to happen, so she is hurting over that now. To make matters worse, my husband is having health issues and he may or may not be able to get vacation time to visit and pick up our daughter because of everything being in constant change...when anyone calls, it is, "how are you....oh well let me tell you our struggles..." I'm just tired at the moment that is all...but I really do appreciate you and sometime, we will sit and talk, just to talk....I'll be fine, I just need a break.

I am sorry your daughter can't get the time she needs; that is horrible. I am so sorry.

I don't know why it sometimes feels as if we are target of the week/month or year, and everyone else is having such a good time. I have been there, so I know what it feels like. (((((hugs))))

 

[razzelflabben]

I am sorry your daughter can't get the time she needs; that is horrible. I am so sorry.

I don't know why it sometimes feels as if we are target of the week/month or year, and everyone else is having such a good time. I have been there, so I know what it feels like. (((((hugs))))

ah...lol I feel like I have been the target all my life, pastor even said something similar the other day....

 

[Catherineanne]

ah...lol I feel like I have been the target all my life, pastor even said something similar the other day....

Me too. I always rather foolishly consider myself to be rather more lucky than otherwise, but when I look back ... let's just say the evidence is against me on that one.

But there are glimmers of great blessing; my daughter mostly. So because of that I do think I am fortunate. Otherwise, somehow I seem to have taken a few wrong paths, without realising it.

I have a good Vicar though. I am glad you have the support of a pastor. xxx

 

[razzelflabben]

Me too. I always rather foolishly consider myself to be rather more lucky than otherwise, but when I look back ... let's just say the evidence is against me on that one.

But there are glimmers of great blessing; my daughter mostly. So because of that I do think I am fortunate. Otherwise, somehow I seem to have taken a few wrong paths, without realising it.

I have a good Vicar though. I am glad you have the support of a pastor. xxx

Glad you have glimmers, they are vitally important...we have a good pastor, unfortunately he is very very over worked, I do like having a friendship with him not just a pastor relationship if you know what I mean.

 

[Catherineanne]

Glad you have glimmers, they are vitally important...we have a good pastor, unfortunately he is very very over worked, I do like having a friendship with him not just a pastor relationship if you know what I mean.

Yes, I know what you mean.

On Christmas Eve our Vicar invited my daughter and myself to his house for a drink before Midnight Mass. I thought we would be among ten or twenty others, but when I got there it was just me, the Vicar and his wife. (My daughter had flu at the time, unfortunately.) That was very kind of him. And he was very good to us all when my dad died in January. He is busy as well, but I know he cares.

 

[razzelflabben]

Yes, I know what you mean.

On Christmas Eve our Vicar invited my daughter and myself to his house for a drink before Midnight Mass. I thought we would be among ten or twenty others, but when I got there it was just me, the Vicar and his wife. (My daughter had flu at the time, unfortunately.) That was very kind of him. And he was very good to us all when my dad died in January. He is busy as well, but I know he cares.

 

[Catherineanne]

I am not very good at praying, R, but I will try to pray for you and your family. Perhaps it will make a difference, who knows?

(As you will realise, I am not the most faithful Christian in the world.)

 

[razzelflabben]

I am not very good at praying, R, but I will try to pray for you and your family. Perhaps it will make a difference, who knows?

(As you will realise, I am not the most faithful Christian in the world.)

aw...how sweet, God will be thrilled that you pray, for me or anything, will be praying for you as well.

 

[Catherineanne]

aw...how sweet, God will be thrilled that you pray, for me or anything, will be praying for you as well.

Thank you; I appreciate that.

'The prayers of a righteous woman availeth much.'