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anyone got any good Christian Jokes??

altya

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FOOL

A minister arrived at his office one Monday morning to find a note
had been slipped under the door. Drawing a single sheet of paper
from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "FOOL".

The next Sunday he announced, "I have known many people who have
written letters and forgot to sign their name.

"But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name
and had forgotten to write a letter."
 
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Ben johnson

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Little Jimmy was acting up in church. Finally his father grabbed him by his hand, and marched him up the aisle toward the back door. As they were about to pass through the doors, little Jimmy turned, and implored: "Pray for me! PRAY for me!"

The sermon was on "sins", and the preacher was commenting on several of the more obvious ones. After a while, five-year-old Bobby leaned over to his Mom, and whispered, loudly enough for adjacent people to hear:

"He's talkin' about DAD, isn't he???"

Cindy had seen her first baptism. Her mother smiled as the little girl watched with rapt attention. That afternoon, she happened to glance out the window, to check on her little girl. Just in time to see the small hole Cindy had dug, and had filled with water. As her Mom looked on, she lowered her doll into the water, and said:

"I baptize you in the name of the Father, and the Son, and in the hole you go!"


The minister wanted to make a point in his sermon, and startle the congregation. He had employed a little boy, Jeremy, to hide in the belfry. "When I say, 'And the SPIRIT of GOD descended like a dove', you throw down the dove. Can you do that?" "Oh, yes sir!" declared the boy. The service progressed as usual, the hymns, the offering, then came the sermon. The subject was Jesus' life. "Suddenly Jesus was transformed! And the spirit of God descended like a dove!" declared the minister. He paused, but no dove. He returned to the sermon, working around to another: "And the SPIRIT of GOD descended like a dove!" He stared at the audience for a moment, expectantly, but no dove. Had Jeremy fallen asleep? Moments later he made the assertion again: "And the SPIRIT of GOD descended like a DOVE!!!" He paused, but no dove. A plaintive little voice came from the belfry: "Uh, Preacher, uh, cat done et' th' Spirit, ya' want that I should throw down th' cat???"

Now a story about one of the "older kids": Preacher stood at the podium and declared: "I am pleased to announce that our building fund goal has been met! The widow Jenkins has won for the largest donation, so she will be selecting todays' hymns." (He turned to her...) "Mrs. Jenkins, which hymns would you like today?" She smiled demurely, and began pointing to several of the congregation's eligible bachelors: "I'll take him, and him..."

:D
 
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mld3three

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There was a pastor, named Bob, and he owned a parrot. This was a talking parrot and it would always say "Let us pray." He loved his parrot and was proud to show it to other people. Then one day when having a fellow pastor, John, over to his house the pastor told how his parrot was so embarrassing because it would always say "Let us kiss." So Bob told John that they should get the parrots together and maybe his would teach John's some manners. On that bright day they brought the parrots together. At first they just stared at each other with in the bars of their cage. Then John's parrot spoke up "Let us kiss." Suddenly Bob's parrot perked up and spoke "My prayers have been answered." :)


Maria
 
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Ben johnson

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Ha ha ha! Very good! :D

Preacher was viting his flock. He knocked on one lady's house, but no answer. Her car was in the driveway, sounds came from inside. Thoroughly miffed, he grabbed a business card, wrote a Bible verse and tucked it in the door.

"Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears my voice, and OPENS THE DOOR, I shall come in and sup with him..." Rev3:20

Sunday she was in church. After the service, he greeted her in line. "Well! It's good to SEE you!" She mumbled something, and palmed HIM one of HER business cards.

Later, in his office, he remembered the card, and pulled it from his pocket. Sure enough, she had written a Bible verse on the back, JUST AS HE HAD!

"I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was naked and afraid---and I hid myself..." Gen3:10

:D
 
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altya

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Hymns for Drivers

45 mph.................God Will Take Care of You
55 mph.................Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
65 mph.................Nearer My God to Thee
75 mph.................Nearer Still Nearer
85 mph.................This World Is Not My Home
95 mph.................Lord, I'm Coming Home
and over 100 mph.......Precious Memories
 
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Gerry

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Originally posted by altya
Hymns for Drivers

45 mph.................God Will Take Care of You
55 mph.................Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
65 mph.................Nearer My God to Thee
75 mph.................Nearer Still Nearer
85 mph.................This World Is Not My Home
95 mph.................Lord, I'm Coming Home
and over 100 mph.......Precious Memories

I suppose the humor here is the truth it contains.
 
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jimigold

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The Pope In New York City.

The Pope arrives in NYC for an important UN meeting. His flight
is delayed, so he has only 15 minutes to get from JFK airport to
the UN building. A car had of course has been arranged to pick
him up -- he is, after all, the Pope.

The Pope tells the driver of his predicament, but the driver
says that he will not violate the speed limit. So the Pope says
"OK, OK, get in the back, I'll drive." The Pope floors it,
weaving through traffic like a madman. Inevitably, even for the
Pope, he sees flashing lights behind him, and has to pull over.
The officer takes one look in the window, turns pale, and slowly
walks back to his squad car.

He calls up his superior officer, and tells him "I just pulled
this guy over for speeding, but I can't give him a ticket."

"Well, why not?"

"He's too important"

"Well, who is it? The mayor? Did you pull over the mayor?"

"No, no, no. Much more important than that."

"Well, was it Donald Trump?"

"No, no, no. Much more important than that."

"Was it the president? Please tell me you did not pull over the
president of the United States."

"No, no, no. Much more important than than."

By this time, the superior officer is completely flabbergasted.
He yelled "Well, then who the hell did you pull over?!"

To which the policeman nervously replied "Well, I don't know,
but he's got the Pope for a driver!"
 
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jimigold

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A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were
excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble
and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their
town, their sons were probably involved.

They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been
successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would
speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them
individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the
morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the
afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger
boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting
there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman
repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised
his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and
bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and
dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his
older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG
trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did
it!"
 
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jimigold

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Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses
pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in
the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly
Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the
other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one
directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the
center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus
casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the
green.

The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed
out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street.
It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it
bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into
the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and
straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond,
the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily
pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog
jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth.
Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew
away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with
fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup
for a hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."

2

A college student was in a philosophy class which had a
discussion about God's existence. The professor presented the
following logic:

"Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke.

"Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke.

"Has anyone in this class seen God?" When nobody spoke for the
third time, he simply stated, "Then there is no God."

One student thought for a second, and then asked for permission
to reply. Curious to hear this bold student's response, the
professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the
following questions of his classmates:

"Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?" Silence.

"Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?" Again,
silence.

"Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?"

When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded,
"Then, according to our professor's logic, it must be true that
our professor has no brain!"

Just a handful for ya! :cool:
 
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mld3three

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There was a man who owned a parrot. The parrot had the worst mouth that he had ever heard and he was so embarresed because of it that he could not have any company over. He tired everything to get the parrot to clean up, but nothing worked. Then one day in a fit of anger he put the parrot in the freezer. For the first couple minutes the parrot swaked louldly. Then suddenly it was quiet. Intrested the man went to see what the parrot was doing. The parrot came out nice and calm and asked the man one question. "What did the chicken do?"
 
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Ben johnson

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A woman was walking home from work. As she passed the pet shop, she noticed a new parrot sitting outside. "Hey, LADY!" Surprised, she turned toward the parrot. "You're UGLY!" Stunned, she frowned and hurried home. The next day she had nearly forgotten the parrot, when her reverie was broken: "Hey, LADY! You're UGLY!" Day after day that week this occurred. Friday she was FURIOUS. "If that fool bird says it ONE MORE TIME..." she thought.

"Hey LADY! You're UGLY!"

She stormed into the shop and stomped up to the proprietor. "If that parrot calls me UGLY, ONE MORE TIME, I will SUE YOUR SHOP and I will KILL THE BIRD!!! Do you UNDERSTAND?" The cowed and wide-eyed shop-keep sputtered, "Yes, Ma'am! I'll have a TALK with him."

After an enjoyable weekend, she found herself walking home after a particularly hectic Monday. She slammed into a wall of sound: "HEY, LADY!"

She whirled and glared at the parrot, jaw set and fists clenched, daggers darting from her eyes.

"You knowwwww....."
 
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altya

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<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt; TEXT-ALIGN: center" align=center><SPAN lang=AF>A father wanted to read his magazine, but was being bothered by his little daughter, Susie.<BR style="mso-special-character: line-break"><BR style="mso-special-character: line-break"></SPAN>
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"><SPAN lang=AF>Finally, he tore out a page of the magazine, on which was printed the map of<SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes">&nbsp; </SPAN>the world. Tearing </SPAN>
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"><SPAN lang=AF>it into small pieces, he gave it to Susie, and said,<BR style="mso-special-character: line-break"><BR style="mso-special-character: line-break"></SPAN>
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"><SPAN lang=AF>"Go into the other room and see if you can put this together."<BR style="mso-special-character: line-break"><BR style="mso-special-character: line-break"></SPAN>
<P class=MsoNormal style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt"><SPAN lang=AF>After a few minutes, Susie returned and handed him the map correctly fitted together. The father was very surprised and asked how she had finished so quickly.<BR style="mso-special-character: line-break"><BR style="mso-special-character: line-break"></SPAN><SPAN lang=AF style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: AF; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt">"Oh", she said, "on the other side of the paper is a picture of Jesus. When I got Jesus in His place, then the world came out all right."<BR style="mso-special-character: line-break"><BR style="mso-special-character: line-break"></SPAN>
 
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