anyone got any good Christian Jokes??

[celtic_crusader]

Any one got any good Christian jokes???

This one made me laugh;

There were 3 ministers that went fishing together. One was a catholic minister, the other was a Baptist and the 3rd was a Pentecostal preacher.

They were fishing out in the boat and the catholic priest says,” I have a sin that I would like to confess to you 2, my brothers".

The catholic priest confesses and says,” I have a terrible problem with drinking wine. I end up drinking all the wine for the mass."

The Baptist pastor says,” I to have a sin to confess that is troubling me. I can’t handle it when the ladies sit in the front row with short skirts on and it causes me trouble with god.

Well, the Pentecostal preacher, he says, " I to will take this opportunity to confess my sin to you." I have a really bad problem with gossip and I just can’t wait to get of this boat and go and tell every body what you two are up too."


Oh well, I thought it was funny.


Has anyone got any more jokes to make us laugh?

Celtic.

 

[celtic_crusader]

this isn`t a joke, it happened at a BBQ but this made me curl on the floor laughing.

we were having a BBQ with some mates and one of my mates said ,"I am not a very good christian".

I turned to him and said,"so , what is a good christian then mate".

another mate piped up who was a non-believer but a bit of a historian and open his mouth and said two words ,"LOIN FOOD".

I cracked up laughing.

there is alot of truth to that. those christians that were thrown to the lions were definatly good christians.

Celtic

 

[Marie]

lol, that's funny!!!!

I don't have any good ones, I'm not that good with jokes, lol!

 

[Marie]

rofl! that's hilarious!

 

[celtic_crusader]

funny stuff hay marie ,

I love a good laugh , it is like medicine to the spirit. espesialy when there is someone to laugh with

Celtic

 

[altya]

There was a barber that thought that he should share his faith with his customers more than he had been doing lately. So the next morning when the sun came up and the barber got up out of bed he said, "Today I am going to witness to the first man that walks through my door."

Soon after he opened his shop the first man came in and said, "I want a shave!" The barber said, "Sure, just sit in the seat and I'll be with you in a moment." The barber went in the back and prayed a quick desperate prayer saying, "God, the first customer came in and I'm going to witness to him. So please give me the wisdom to know just the right thing to say to him. Amen."

Then quickly the barber came out with his razor knife in one hand and a Bible in the other while saying "Good morning sir. I have a question for you..........Are you ready to die?"

 

[Marie]

Altya: lol!!! funny!!!

Celtic: Ain't that the truth!! Okay, Okay, I got one:

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.
They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.
They sent faxes.
They opened e-mail.
They sent out e-mail... with attachments.
They downloaded.
They made cards.
They did every known job.

About ten minutes before their time was up, lightning flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them rebooted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became very irate: "Wait! He must have cheated. How did he do that?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

 

[Superman53142]

Marie: That joke is great! I'm still laughing.

 

[Marie]

Thanks, lol!

 

[Marie]

Okay, hows this one:

The children lined up in the dining hall at church camp for lunch. At the head of the table was a towering pile of shiny red apples. The head counselor posted a sign, "Take only one, God is watching."

Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a mountain of chocolate chip cookies. A young camper had posted another sign, "Take all you want, God is watching the apples!"

 

[Superman53142]

I've heard that one before, but it's still good

 

[findtbax]

[GLOW=skyblue]the apples one was easily the best, LOIN FOOD huh? that sounds disturbing...[/GLOW]

 

[Susan]

I thought of a slightly reworked apocryphal story, it's really funny though. I was reminded of this because I posted a thread about a bug that keeps me from voting on polls.
A man had just been hired to call people on behalf of a Christian polling service. He had been rehearsing his words for hours, trying to come up with something that would not lead to the person called hanging up or thinking him a pest.
The man began his first call with the words "This is a telephone poll."
The woman who was being called burst into laughter. "Yeah, and I'm a mailbox!" she said before slamming the reciever down.
LOL

 

[celtic_crusader]

LMAO , that first one is a beauty Marie.

susan , your`s cracked me up two ,

hear`s a good one;

Kindness to Animals

A minister was talking to a children's Sunday School class
about kindness to animals. He cited the Biblical references to
substantiate his case. "Now let's
suppose," he said, "that you saw a bad person cutting off the tail of a cat.
What Biblical quotation would you use to tell him of the terrible wrong he was
doing?"

"I would point out to him," one of the class said, "what God hath
joined together, let no man put asunder."

 

[celtic_crusader]

There is now intelligence that has uncovered a new wave of church
terrorists sent out to replace those captured yesterday. These new
terrorist are believed to be brothers of those taken on Monday,
October 22, 2001. Intelligence believes the brothers names are; Bin
Gossip, Bin Critical, Bin Absent and Bin Sour. The fear is, they are
already in place in many area churches. Intelligence also fears that
there is ever more brothers in this wicked family just waiting for
orders to invade.

Since our first report we have been notified by a number of CHURCH
BOARD'S that they have identified four additional suspected
terrorists working in different churches. Three of the four have been
apprehended. Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin and Bin Drinkin have been taken
into custody. The Associate Pastor advised us that it is very
difficult to find anyone fitting the description of the fourth cell
member: Bin Workin, in most churches. However, he is confident that
anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.

Stayed tuned for more updates from; CHURCH SECURITY...

 

[celtic_crusader]

Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests.
See if a yawn really is contagious.
Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the priest/preacher.
Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs.
Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with 'A' then 'B and so on through the alphabet.
Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front.
Using church notice-sheets or newcomers cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.
Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed.
Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the toilet.
Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favorite hymn.
Chew gum; if the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles.
Pretend to be 4 years old. By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt around backwards.
Try to raise one eyebrow.
Crack your knuckles.
Think about your chin for an entire minute.
Twiddle your thumbs.
Twiddle your neighbors thumbs.
Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice.
Practice smiling insincerely.

Then After the Message, thank the Preacher for that interesting and thought provoking message.

 

[rookie]

Rofl Those are too funny. I'm not telling my son though, he would actually be silly enough to try a few!!

rookie

 

[Peacebestill]

A lutheran, a baptist, and a catholic were in africa, when suddenly a lion jumped out and ate all three!

What did the lion do next?










He has an ecumenical movement!

 

[Rose-Mary]

One I like a lot was an announcement in a church magazine for a missionary evening 'Come and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa'!

A friend of mine from Canada, made me howl with laughter when she related this story against herself. Last week she was to attend a dinner for helpers at her son's school. It was to be held in a hall and one could bring a bottle of wine. Clutching her bottle of a nice Italian wine in a brown paper bag, she entered the hall and sat down, putting her wine on the table. As she looked around she saw stony faces that she did not recognise, staring at her! It appeared that she had gate crashed a Calvary Church dinner, they thought she was Satan come to tempt them with her booze!!!!! She realised that she had gone to the wrong venue!

 

[GraftMeIn]

LOL lots of good jokes here!
I remember one I heard at church a long, long time ago.
here it is...

A preacher was looking for a horse. He found a man who claimed he had the perfect horse to sell him. The preacher was concerned about the fact that he needed a good christian horse, nothing else would do. The man told the preacher that this particular horse was a good christian, and urged him to ride it and see what he thought. He explained to the preacher that in order to make the horse walk all you have to do is say Hallelujah, to make it run you need to say Praise the Lord. and to make it stop you only need to say Amen.

So the preacher decides to ride the horse and see what he thinks. He climbs up on the horse and says Hallelujah! and the horse starts walking, then he shouted Praise the Lord!
and the horse started to run. As the horse was running the preacher noticed they were coming up to the edge of a cliff. He couldn't remember the word he needed to make the horse stop, and he didn't want to go off the edge. So he started to pray about it, at the end of his prayer he said Amen. With that the horse stopped right at the edge of the cliff. When the horse stopped the preacher looked down over the cliff, and with a sigh of relief shouted out, Whew! Praise The Lord!