annoying

[Eccp19]

Hahahaha I am already laughing before I write this. Okay, my girlfriend is awesome but she has ADD bad lol. Sometimes I just want to smack her (not literally) because I find that a lot of the time I'm pretty chilled out but she keeps fidgeting and making noises and stuff. Most of the time I just want to be sweet and snuggle a little but she keeps up the fidgeting and can never be totally calm. It hasn't always been this bad, I've just been noticing it a lot so far this break from school.

But that's just her. And I am realizing this now. We're in a semi-serious relationship of 7 months.

What the heck should I do? accept it? or tell her to calm down? or what?? lol.

I don't want to be fake with her but I do want her to know that I like calmness when I'm calm, and fidgetness when I'm fidgety, but how can I communicate that without hurting that sweetie's feelings?

 

[melandshanetria]

Oh geez!!! I don't know much about the disorder but my ex-fiance' had it and he was always fidgeting about. I'm not sure if telling her to calm down will make her just quit. Maybe you should look up more information about it and find out the the things that it make you do, ect...maybe someone else here can post more about it. Maybe she isn't aware that she's doing it???

 

[HumbleBee]

...

 

[Eccp19]

haha thanks for posts. She is definitely not nervous. Actually I called her last night after I posted this and we got into a whole discussion about something else. We realized together (well she knew, but I just realized) that my expectations of her have been pretty high these 7 months and she didn't know how to tell me that I needed to lower them. Her take was now that we know eachother pretty well and the newness and excitement has pretty much cooled, there is going to be a lot less excitement, lovy doviness (which i thrive on lol), and much more reality.

Reality hit me hard in the rear last night guys. I don't like marriage mode if this is what it is.

This is my first relationship beyond 4-5 months so this is all new. I guess in the next months now that my expectations (for how she will act, and respond in harmony with me) I will come to terms with a lot of stuff.

I guess this is when people either choose to accept everything about their mate and continue loving them regardless or back off and break up. Reality is probably the best huh.

 

[Maeyken]

I don't think the "lovy doviness" as you call it, has to leave as a relationship progresses. Sure, the dynamics of a relationship change as time goes on, but that doesn't have to mean that cuddling and stuff like that goes out the window. My fiance and I have been together for almost 2 years, and we still like to cuddle, hold hands, etc. His parents are cuddly with each other too. I think it has more to do with what the 2 people in the relationship desire, rather than what "is supposed to happen".

Perhaps your girlfriend does not feel the same way about cuddling that you do. Maybe she feels a little smothered by all the cuddling. Maybe she needs a little more space. Maybe she's just not into cuddling (not everyone likes it). It is obviously something important to you, and less so to her. If your relationship is going to work, you two will need to somehow compromise to make sure both of your needs are met.

 

[Eccp19]

I don't think the "lovy doviness" as you call it, has to leave as a relationship progresses. Sure, the dynamics of a relationship change as time goes on, but that doesn't have to mean that cuddling and stuff like that goes out the window. My fiance and I have been together for almost 2 years, and we still like to cuddle, hold hands, etc. His parents are cuddly with each other too. I think it has more to do with what the 2 people in the relationship desire, rather than what "is supposed to happen".

Perhaps your girlfriend does not feel the same way about cuddling that you do. Maybe she feels a little smothered by all the cuddling. Maybe she needs a little more space. Maybe she's just not into cuddling (not everyone likes it). It is obviously something important to you, and less so to her. If your relationship is going to work, you two will need to somehow compromise to make sure both of your needs are met.

No. She is into it just as much as me. Sorry if my post seemed to suggest otherwise, I think I just posted the topic of fidgetness and ADD stuff haha in the wrong context.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

I can't sit still to save my life for whatever reason. I just can't do it.
My wife just thinks it's cute even when it drives her nuts.
I think the term that applies here is "compatible iniquities."
We all have quirks. Some people don't mind them and some people can't stand them.

 

[bliz]

I don't want to be fake with her but I do want her to know that I like calmness when I'm calm, and fidgetness when I'm fidgety, but how can I communicate that without hurting that sweetie's feelings?

So this is the bottom line? When you want calm she should be calm and when you want fidgetyness she should be fidgety? Why she she conform to your mood? She is the one with a medical problem - why don't you conform to her? Why is your preference for a mood or level of motion more important than hers?

Do your sweetie a favor and break up with her.

 

[Eccp19]

So this is the bottom line? When you want calm she should be calm and when you want fidgetyness she should be fidgety? Why she she conform to your mood? She is the one with a medical problem - why don't you conform to her? Why is your preference for a mood or level of motion more important than hers?

Do your sweetie a favor and break up with her.

Well the truth is that I also have a medical condition where if I don't get my way (IE she doesn't conform to my moods) I get pretty violent and sometimes throw things and hurt people in the process. This has only happened two times with her and the bruises did heal, and she forgave me too. I think she has learned her lesson by now.

Sometimes I guess you just have to let em know who's the boss and who the more important partner is.

 

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

My bf figites a lot...lol...and sometimes he does get on my nerves...well, the figiting does....lol...however, I will just ask him to stop...and he does...at least for the time being...lol..however, for the most part, I can deal with it pretty well.

 

[KristianJ]

Well the truth is that I also have a medical condition where if I don't get my way (IE she doesn't conform to my moods) I get pretty violent and sometimes throw things and hurt people in the process. This has only happened two times with her and the bruises did heal, and she forgave me too. I think she has learned her lesson by now.

Sometimes I guess you just have to let em know who's the boss and who the more important partner is.

I'm not sure that I understand your reasoning here. It doesn't seem to me that there is a lesson that she should be learning about your condition. I would strongly suggest that you get away from using this condition as a bargaining tool, because it can imply that you're the only one who matters and that if she doesn't conform, it's not good enough and this is what's going to happen. It'll foster fear in her if you're not careful.

Importance is nothing in a relationship - sure, God may appoint roles for each party, but it doesn't automatically mean that one is more important than the other, you both need to be able to cater for each other's needs, and in your situation it means that you have gotta love and respect your g/f and recognise what ADD can do to sufferers. Acceptance is going to do more than you telling her to calm down, because its not a condition where someone can snap out of it at the drop of a hat.

 

[f U z ! o N]

Well the truth is that I also have a medical condition where if I don't get my way (IE she doesn't conform to my moods) I get pretty violent and sometimes throw things and hurt people in the process. This has only happened two times with her and the bruises did heal, and she forgave me too. I think she has learned her lesson by now.

Sometimes I guess you just have to let em know who's the boss and who the more important partner is.

umm i dont think so eccp19. there should never be a "boss" in a relationship. it should be 2 equal people. there should never be a more important partner. and your violent moods need to stop. you bruised her? that is very very scary. get that under control. if you did that to your future wife you could be arrested for domestic violence. and not everyone has to conform to your moods. you are making the relationship sound like its all about you and that you are the boss. thats very scary and very unchristianlike.

 

[Eccp19]

Haha comon, a "medical condition" that makes me violent and throw things. Are you serious? This absurd statement was given after Bliz's absurd statement.

Bliz, I swear, you snoop around looking for topics where you can offer fighting words instead of actual wisdom.

Can I offer you some advice? Not that I expect someone who is more than 30 years older than me to take heed, but from my observation in how you respond to people, I think it would be beneficial and courtious to the recipient if you spoke in kind words rather than instigative.

No one here is trying to create a fight except you.

 

[bliz]

I made an absurd statement? You wrote:

I don't want to be fake with her but I do want her to know that I like calmness when I'm calm, and fidgetness when I'm fidgety, but how can I communicate that without hurting that sweetie's feelings?

Did I misunderstand you? You seem to be saying that when you want calm, she should be calm. And I think, that becasue she has a medical condition that makes it hard for her to conrol her movements, that your expectation is selfish and unrealistic.

My... but I struck a nerve...

 

[Leanna]

Well the truth is that I also have a medical condition where if I don't get my way (IE she doesn't conform to my moods) I get pretty violent and sometimes throw things and hurt people in the process. This has only happened two times with her and the bruises did heal, and she forgave me too. I think she has learned her lesson by now.

Sometimes I guess you just have to let em know who's the boss and who the more important partner is.

You can't ask someone not to fidget. That's ridiculous. I dated someone with ADHD once and that would be like asking him to please not breathe anymore. Some people fidget. I can't sit still during class. You can't control her every move and you can't ask her to change the very essence of who she is. You fell in love with her this way, so you can accept her this way. you are right that you have entered the second stage of the relationship where you transition from noticing you similarities, to noticing your differences.

Secondly..... from this quote.... you WHAT!?!?! You get violent and sometimes throw things and hurt people in the process and have hurt your young girlfriend twice already? I hope you recognize that this is a serious problem that could progress into an abusive relationship and may be there already. This is really serious. :o Please recognize it..... I've been in an abusive relationship before.

 

[Leanna]

I made an absurd statement? You wrote:



Did I misunderstand you? You seem to be saying that when you want calm, she should be calm. And I think, that becasue she has a medical condition that makes it hard for her to conrol her movements, that your expectation is selfish and unrealistic.

My... but I struck a nerve...

Sorry but I agree with Eccp here, you're coming across as a real jerk. If you have something constructive to say just say it rather than throwing out this "I struck a nerve" crap. If you start attacking someone yes you're going to strike a nerve, welcome to reality.

 

[Leanna]

umm i dont think so eccp19. there should never be a "boss" in a relationship. it should be 2 equal people. there should never be a more important partner. and your violent moods need to stop. you bruised her? that is very very scary. get that under control. if you did that to your future wife you could be arrested for domestic violence. and not everyone has to conform to your moods. you are making the relationship sound like its all about you and that you are the boss. thats very scary and very unchristianlike.

He's got a point here, I also saw some scary things in these posts. I don't say this just to beat you up(no pun intended ) but I hope you can see that wanting to her not fidget is a very controlling thing to say, "you want what you want when you want it" is the essence of controlling relationships. Do not accept this in yourself. If you bruise her it is domestic violence.

 

[bliz]

Sorry but I agree with Eccp here, you're coming across as a real jerk. If you have something constructive to say just say it rather than throwing out this "I struck a nerve" crap. If you start attacking someone yes you're going to strike a nerve, welcome to reality.

I'm coming off as a jerk? Why?

I stated that it is absurd for her to not fidget. Some other people agree with me... including... YOU!

You can't ask someone not to fidget. That's ridiculous. I dated someone with ADHD once and that would be like asking him to please not breathe anymore. Some people fidget. I can't sit still during class. You can't control her every move and you can't ask her to change the very essence of who she is. You fell in love with her this way, so you can accept her this way.

You commented very nicely on his attitude, his wanting what he wants when he wants it.

... but I hope you can see that wanting to her not fidget is a very controlling thing to say, "you want what you want when you want it" is the essence of controlling relationships.

Seems to me that someone else made the same point earlier in the thread... oh, wait... that was ME!

So this is the bottom line? When you want calm she should be calm and when you want fidgetyness she should be fidgety? Why she she conform to your mood? She is the one with a medical problem - why don't you conform to her? Why is your preference for a mood or level of motion more important than hers?

If I attacked him, then so did you, my dear. On this particular issue we are in agreement. You'll have to change your opinion if you want to disagree with me.

If he really thought my statement was absurd (which would also make yours absurd, by the way...) he would have ignored me. Instead he lashed out at me and made up his story about a disease that makes him violent. I wasn't out to hit a nerve, but I clearly did and I was just pointing that out.

My initial advice was sincere. This young lady, every youg lady, should not end up married to some guy who thinks that he gets to rule the world and her in it; someone who thinks he is entitled to get what he wants when he wants it just becasue he wants it.

 

[Leanna]

I'm coming off as a jerk? Why?

I stated that it is absurd for her to not fidget. Some other people agree with me... including... YOU!

Yes while you make good points many times on many threads sometimes it is just the way it is stated. But people accuse me of the same thing, so I guess we are birds of a feather. I just felt it went a little far, but ah well, we are all entitled to say what we want and how.

And yes I do agree with your sentiments just not the actual expression.

 

[KristianJ]

MOD NOTE

Let's stick to offering helpful advice instead of turning on each other, please