am i too young to get married!

[msjones21]

Thank you so much, Living. You are a total blessing to me!

 

[Living4Him03]

 

[katelyn]

Ms. Jones, thank you so much for sharing. It's so hard to look back just a few years and see how we thought we knew so much, yet knew so little, isn't it? I too can get overzealous when talking about this subject. When you see a couple heading for the same mistakes you made when you were their age, it makes you very eager to do whatever you can to make them stop in their tracks!

But at that age, it's also so hard to listen. You don't want others telling you that they know more because they are older. You are finally an adult, and you feel mature and like you are going to be different than other people your age. And you might be in some respects...but there's still a lot to learn.

You brought up a very good point about how if a couple is receiving advice against marrying young from their family and friends who know them and their situation, it is very wise to at least consider that advice. The whole book of Proverbs tells us how important it is to listen to wise counsel. I know there are exceptions where a family's bad impression of a girl- or boyfriend can be wrong, but it's best to at least try to listen to what they are saying and not to rush into anything if you are being warned not to.

 

[sowellfan]

Another thing that should be mentioned, is that young people should have some experience living on their own before they get married. A 20-year-old who has lived with her parents for her entire life will have a different maturity level than a 20-year-old who has been out of the nest for a couple of years. Even after you're out of the nest, the level of financial support you get from your parents has a lot to do with maturity level (on a side note, I think I would've made *better* grades in college if my parents had cut me off and I was working nights and spending my own money for classes - I just wasn't forced to be mature so long as I had a nearly guaranteed source of support). MsJones sort of addressed this when she spoke of being unprepared for marriage, but I wanted to address the moving out thing more specifically.

 

[piggytail]

Your last statement really bothered me. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. He is 19 and I am almost 19. We feel that we are right for each other and know that if we were 3 years older we would be married right now. Unfortunantly, neither of us are financially stable, we just finished high school and are trying to figure out what we want to do. We are in NO rush to get married because a) we are still young b) we are not ready to get married. There is nothing wrong with not being ready for marriage. I know a couple who dated for 8 years before they got married.

To answer the original question. If you are questioning whether you are too young to get married then you probably are. What is the rush? If you know you are going to get married then why rush into something when you are not ready. Especially when you are still really young. If your boyfriend is "the one" for you right now, then he still will be in 3 years from now.

That's great, if that works for you. But IMO, if you aren't ready to get married, you shouldn't be dating. What's the point?

 

[piggytail]

I'm so glad someone else brought up the point about the majority of marriages that end in divorce are people who got married in their teens.
Bottom line, there is nothing wrong with dating for a couple of years. I was thoroughly appalled by piggytail's comments. I disagree 100% with her.

Let's be dramatic. They were my OPINIONS, which--last I checked--I was entitled to have.

You don't have to date that long, but it's best to wait at least 2 or 3. You really don't know someone in any less than one year's time.

And if someone is putting on an act, you don't know that person after 2 or 3 years. I wasn't trying to put a timetable on marriage. My point was: if you meet the person God intends for you, you'll know. You'll know without a shadow of a doubt. You won't want to wait if it's the right person.

So how would the two of them being married change what happened? He would ahve died anyway. Exploiting your friend's tragedy as a way to advocate teenage marriages (which almost always end in divorce, even among Christians) is sad.

EXPLOITING? She was living in sin with her boyfriend (and two daughters by him) because they were perpetual daters. Do you know how many times she's said to me "If I would have married him, things would have been different?" Now, how is that exploitation when she's said the same thing herself?

The point you're missing is you won't know you've met the right person until you've known them a couple of years.

I just don't agree with that.

Love at first sight is half myth.

I do agree with that.

I can't believe you're encouraging people to just go with their warm fuzzy feelings and not heed the advice from their parents and elders.

Wow. You'll have to point out exactly where I said that, because I certainly don't remember saying that.

Bottom line, if your parents, your fiance's parents, or elders in your church say you're too young then you'd best listen to their advice.

Now that I don't agree with. Parents, yes. Elders in the church, no. There are some people who think you have to be a certain age to even think about being married. That's someone's personal opinion, and it shouldn't even matter or be a consideration to someone considering marriage.

Until you've spent years and years with your spouse you won't know what it takes to make a marriage successful and the love you feel for someone at the age of 18 is so void of maturity as opposed to when you're 45 and been married to the same person for 20 years.

To imply that an 18 year old can't take marriage seriously is a slap in the face to every young person on this board that's married. When I married my husband, it was till death do us part, and even though I may have been young, FYI, I was a pretty mature 18 year old. I am disgusted that you even said that comment. You don't know what kind of life experiences anyone has had to assume that they are "void of maturity" at 18. I think it's people like you that have caused young people to be the way they are today. They have nothing to live up to because people like you think SO highly of them.

I hate it when people say that! Age is NOT "just" a number. It does define your place in life and your maturity level to an extent.

No it does not. Life experiences and situations and life in general defines your place in life and maturity. I've met 50 year olds who are more immature than some 18 year olds. To define's maturity level soley on their age is ignorant.

I don't know how old you are but judging from your opinions lacking mature forethought, I'd say you're probably not any older than 18 or 19.

Actually, I'm 22.

Trust me, you will see. When you're 25, 35, 45 you will look back and think "geez, I can't believe I was so immature and foolish!"

Again. You're making extremely generalized assumptions. I doubt I'll be looking back at ANY age thinking I had been immature. You see, I had to grow up faster than most kids, so being immature wasn't really an option for me.

That verse has NOTHING, catch that? N-o-t-h-i-n-g to do with encouraging young marriage!

That's your opinion.

hat verse does not mean you should rush out and get married.

I NEVER said anyone should "rush out and get married." I NEVER said that.

It depends on the couple. The miniumum should be 18 months.

And what if God says 6? How can you justify putting a timeline on God's plan?

Yes, because I'm so sure if you date someone from the age of 18 to 25 and you don't get married that the person you were dating will never find "the one" because you wasted their time.

I never said that. But I don't think it's fair to date someone if you aren't ready to get married. What is the point of dating for 5 years? Why date if you aren't ready to get married? I just dont' understand the logic there.

Your post does not ONCE mention waiting on God's time.

But it's okay for you to put a timeline on God? How does that work?

 

[piggytail]

I agree, Living, thank you for pointing out my hasty post. I just know the struggles involved in getting married at a really young age.

I'm sorry you feel that way. I was married young, and it hasn't been a struggle at all. I hope someday you can enjoy a marriage without struggles, because marriage really is wonderful and fantastic--when you're with the right person.

It's not so much that I disagree with the idea of getting married if you're really sure, but to say "don't listen to what anybody else has to say about it" is completely un-Biblical.

I agree that people need to be absolutely sure, but I never said don't listen to anybody else....

I went straight from childhood to adulthood in a matter of a few hours. It was a frightening transition.

When you're ready for marriage (as I was), it's not a frightening transition. It's a very natural, easy transition.

I wasn't at all ready and so here I am, 22 and I've been divorced for almost three years.

Our lives couldn't be more different. Here I am at 22, and have been married for almost three years.

I don't think all teenage marriages end in divorce, but statistics show most do.

I don't believe a lot of statistics, and I have seen a lot of young marriages end in divorce. But I've also seen marriages when people got married in their 30s and 40s (for the first time) end in divorce, so to put a specific age on marriage is just a bad idea. Divorce can happen to anyone who isn't ready for marriage.

I apologize to Piggy for my abrupt post.

Piggy?! Are you calling me fat? J/K. Apology accepted. I was probably a litle harsh in my rebuttal before I read this as well.

 

[katelyn]

That's great, if that works for you. But IMO, if you aren't ready to get married, you shouldn't be dating. What's the point?

The point is, by dating another year or two, you will most likely go through experiences in your relationship that will prepare you for marriage. You can actually love a person but not be ready for marriage.

Does that mean you have to give the person up? I don't think so. As long as you are working toward the point where you will be ready for marriage, why should they have to break up just because someone thinks they've been dating too long?

I agree about the example of your friend who had been living with/dating and had children by the man without getting married. But that's an extreme example, and I certainly wouldn't advocate that type of relationship. If they were ready to have that type of relationship, then they were ready to get married. If they weren't ready to be married, then they shouldn't have had that type of relationship.

 

[katelyn]

I would also like to address the issue of having to grow up fast, not being immature because of circumstances, and those circumstances meaning that you are mature enough to get married at a young age.

I agree with this to a certain extent. I went through some things in my childhood that made me need to grow up pretty quickly. Many people said I was very mature and responsible for my age...and I probably was. But, the thing is, the experiences I went through didn't have anything to do with courting/dating relationships. No matter how mature I was in other areas, I was still my own age when it came to dating, and made some stupid mistakes because of it. I just wanted to put that in, because I don't think that a generally high level of maturity translates to maturity in all areas.

 

[jumpin_kangaroo]

THis was my first time posting and I am overwhelmed by the response and advice. To answer some of your guys questions... I am not considering getting married at least until I am done my first two years of school and I would be 20. I totally agree with lots of your guys points and some others really make me think about things. I look back when i was 16 which was only two years ago and think about how immature i was and then i think about how even mroe mature i will be in two more years. I also TOTALLLLLY agree when someone said "I want to marry a man not a boy" that also made me think about my boyfriend. We have been dating now for a year and a half and we are thinking about getting married around 21-22 years old. I am definatlly NOT waiting for him to finish med school because we will amost be in our thirties and I really do not want to wait that long. I am currently in nursing and plan to finihs that whether i get married or not. I need a career to fall back on in case something happens. I totally udnerstand to that it will be really hard when he is in mee school and i will be alone quite a bit. Thats why it is important for me to have a career to. I am totally content with dating for a couple more years before we get engaged. Im not in any hurry and i appreciate ur guys response

 

[LadyBird]

The point is, by dating another year or two, you will most likely go through experiences in your relationship that will prepare you for marriage. You can actually love a person but not be ready for marriage.

Does that mean you have to give the person up? I don't think so. As long as you are working toward the point where you will be ready for marriage, why should they have to break up just because someone thinks they've been dating too long?

^Nicely put Katelyn. .

 

[katelyn]

THis was my first time posting and I am overwhelmed by the response and advice...

Sorry if we were a bit overwhelming. Obviously this is a topic that many of us feel passionately about.

From your latest post, it sounds like you've got a good plan in mind. I agree with you, I wouldn't want to wait THAT long to get married! But it's good that you aren't in a big rush either.

May God bless your future!!

 

[katelyn]

^Nicely put Katelyn. .

Thanks, Belle!

 

[JulieB]

I am appalled at the number of people who think perpetual dating is okay for Christians. Anything longer than 2 years IMO is way too long. At that point, you know whether or not you've met the right person. And if you aren't going to marry them, give somebody else a chance to.

My boyfriend and I are soon to make 2 years. We have serious plans of getting married soon. My youth pastor and many other respected elders in church have told us that we should and that God will do something awesome with our marriage. But at the same time, I'm not even out of highschool yet. So I'm pretty sure we will have been dating close to three years when we get married.

As to answer the orginal question, it's not too young, but it also depends on the couple and relationship. My relationship with my boyfriend is completely centered around God. We even spent a week completely apart (no talking to eachother or anything) because God had called us to fast from eachother. (and if you know anything about our relationship, thats quite a feat) We know we are meant for eachother and God has confirmed that through prayer, but we are waiting for the right time to get married. And if things go how we are leaning toward, I will be 18 when I get married. Pray to God and trust His answer!

 

[tasada]

Now that I don't agree with. Parents, yes. Elders in the church, no. There are some people who think you have to be a certain age to even think about being married. That's someone's personal opinion, and it shouldn't even matter or be a consideration to someone considering marriage.

Just on this note...My parents had no idea what was going on in my relationship with my now husband. My mom disapproved of our dating from the beginning, and never made any effort to get to know my husband. When we got engaged, she was very disapproving (i had support from my dad and stepdad even, and from my husband's parents), and fairly vocal about it. We married 4 months after we got engaged (I was 20) and in the year and a half since, my mom has come around to really enjoy my husband. Parents just don't always know what is really going on in a relationship.

I guess my point is that you cannot just put label or a checklist to getting married, and once you get them all checked, bingo! You are ready! You are destined to a happy marriage! Er...not really. It differs for everyone.

 

[TCapp]

I married young. I was 21. We've been happily married for 5.5 years, now, with 2.8 children.

I considered myself mature. I had always considered more mature than peers my age, mostly because I was a loner. I did not have many friends my age. I have no relatives my age. So I had to befriend adults (young, old, and in-between). I gleaned much wisdom from them.

Yes, I probably made some mistakes in the way I got married. Mistakes that may catch up with me eventually and make life difficult. For instance, I was still living with Mom and Dad with very little experience with jobs and work. I also married someone 18 years older than me. As you can see, those two examples will probably come bite me hard on the tush in the years to come. Especially if I become a young widow. But I didn't ignore those issues when I assented to marriage.

But I was ready for marriage at that time. We didn't really date, as he lived 3000 miles away. We had only one "official" date, when I visited him to check him and the surroundings out. And at that time, we were already engaged.

We courted, instead, through many emails. I didn't call him my boyfriend, but my sweetheart. (I could not think of him as a "boy" I guess.) I only knew him for approx 4 months before he proposed, and an additional 5 months before we married.

I will not use my example, however, as a template on how others should get married, or what time frames to use, or whatever. Each situation is unique. I will not advocate my method overmuch, nor will I disparage it.

What am I trying to say? I really don't know. I'm not really giving advice, because I don't know all the right advice to give, except maybe to say use discernment and common sense. But I mostly wrote to illustrate that each couple is unique, and so is each marriage.

 

[SlowRoasted]

I also married someone 18 years older than me.

wow now THATS an age gap

 

[Mrs K 2004]

In a marriage Age doesn't necisarily matter, it is more maturity! My best friend is 20 and getting divorced after 2 years of marriage. They weren't financially or mentally stable yet!

I am getting married in June, I will be 21 and I think I could have been married 2 years ago and been fine! (Although only time will tell!)

One thing my future husband and I talked about a LOT before getting engaged was that we would take care of each other as we got old, we were ok with the fact that we won't always be 20. We had the same ideas for our future and the want to support each other. We are also financially stable.

So getting married is something that requires a lot of thought, talking and most of all prayer. God will send you a sign if you ask him too He left me with 0 doubt that I should marry this man, and I am sure he will do the same for you if it is to happen!

 

[Mr.Cheese]

I highly recommend waiting until school is over.

 

[Terrell938]

Well, my opinon on getting married at an young age is this, it all depends on how mature the persons are.Everyone is yes saying have your finances together first and have your head on right before you get married. yes that will make a marriage a lot easier but reality people the average persons may not fully have it together until between the ages of 28-35. People are constantly changing wherther you are 18 or 40 realizing things . I think people need to understand that marriage is a commitment a promise to be with that person no matter what (unless they cheat) .if that person has a little growing up to do but you are already married it's abuout being mature and saying we are going to grow together in God .I mean when people get married pretty young they need to know that you have to start some where and go through so things to make the marriage even stronger. trust me people who have ben married for 20 years where young at one point and i am sure it was not a picnic at first, i just say if you are young and a lil immature but is willing to be in a true commitment and say we are going to grow and mature togther in christ and in each other then go for it .