am i too young to get married!

[Hopeful]

BTW, your boyfriend may make it to medical school, but it's a very tough and competitive road, and he could very well end up just getting a bachelors at the college that you both are currently at.

Just want to iterate this point. This is very very very important. Many marraiges in medical school fail becuase spouses were not prepared for the lack of time with their partner, all other factors aside, THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT!

 

[Warrior Poet]

I would much rather see people (who are ready) marry young than date 5 or 6 years just so they aren't married "too young" (by someone else's standards). And based on the 50% divorce rate, IMO, I think that people who get married later in life are more likely to get divorced. Older people get so set in their ways that they aren't willing (a lot of times) to do the compromising and adjusting it takes to get used to being married.

18+5=23

23 is old??....then I am gonna be a year away from being old in a month

IMO, I think that people who get married later in life are more likely to get divorced.

Just to clarify that is stricly opinion. Out of curiosity where did you form that opinion...and what is old or later in life to you??

Just wondering.

Warrior Poet

 

[Unix]

Older people get so set in their ways that they aren't willing (a lot of times) to do the compromising and adjusting it takes to get used to being married

Compromising and adjusting is good, but I'm suspicious to anyone getting married before the personality has developed. Being married does not guarantee that the personality develops well and in a good direction, on the other hand not being married doesn't either. But what I mean is that when being 18 you don't know anything about what kind of person you are at an age of 25. But at the age of 25 you know what kind of a person you're going to be at an age of 30 or 35. That is an argument for getting married later

 

[Unix]

If God places the desire upon your heart and he brings you someone, then why not?

I believe that desire is always very mixed with the desire of the soul and flesh, or even entirely the desire of the sould and flesh

 

[katelyn]

18+5=23

23 is old??....then I am gonna be a year away from being old in a month

LOL, WP, I am in the same boat as you. Well, except mine isn't in one month...mine's in more like 2.

If it's any consolation (being from another old timer and all), I don't think 23 is old!

 

[Lizzi4Christ]

The problem with this is, how do you know you are ready? I have known some young people (myself included ) who naively thought they were ready when they weren't. I agree that dating 5 or 6 years just to prove that you're not too young is a little extreme. But more than once I have run into couples who either hadn't been dating very long or were in a very transitional stage of life, and then I feel the question needs to be asked: what's the rush?

When you saying dating long, do you mean dating in general or dating the person?

Okay, I have a couple of comments. First of all, I would consider myself a definite advocate of young marriages. I would much rather see people (who are ready) marry young than date 5 or 6 years just so they aren't married "too young" (by someone else's standards). And based on the 50% divorce rate, IMO, I think that people who get married later in life are more likely to get divorced. Older people get so set in their ways that they aren't willing (a lot of times) to do the compromising and adjusting it takes to get used to being married.

Secondly, for everyone advocating college, I'm sorry, but I have to disagree. COLLEGE ISN'T FOR EVERYONE.

Just a couple things I wanted to throw out there.

Again, I agree 100%.

I've been told and have seen others told to date around to look for the right person. But if you believe you've already found them, why let them go? Yeah, yeah, I've heard the "well, if they're really for you, they'll come back/wait for you!" I don't believe this. I think that is really idealistic. Things don't work like faerie tale stories most of the time.

I also agree with Cammie's statement that older couples are more likely to break up. I don't want to build a life for myself then change it for my husbnad. I want to build my life with him. Of course, these are only opinions, but I think they're valid.

It completely differs from couple to couple. I know children more mature then their parents. It totally depends.

 

[katelyn]

When you saying dating long, do you mean dating in general or dating the person?

I meant specifically that person, although I do have to say that in general I have seen that having a little bit of experience with relationships can be helpful. Many people are blinded by their idea of love when they get into their first relationship, so much so that they don't see the problems in the relationship until it's "too late," not necessarily meaning marriage, but just at a point where the relationship should have never gone since they weren't right for each other.

I agree that not everyone needs that experience, though. I know a few couples who started dating in high school and dated for 5-6 years and then got married, and no one doubted whether or not they were right for each other. You can also probably learn a lot about relationships through books, advice from others, etc.

But I still have to say: that first experience of thinking you are in love can be blinding.

 

[piggytail]

Compromising and adjusting is good, but I'm suspicious to anyone getting married before the personality has developed.

I didn't realize that anyone before age 25 didn't have a personality.

But what I mean is that when being 18 you don't know anything about what kind of person you are at an age of 25. But at the age of 25 you know what kind of a person you're going to be at an age of 30 or 35. That is an argument for getting married later

Sounds like a petty argument IHO. You do NOT know what kind of a person you're going to be EVER. You NEVER know what life is going to throw at you to change your viewpoints, or attitudes. That is a ridiculous argument for marrying later. Why wait to get married? Why date for 5 or 6 years? I watched one of my friends be a perpetual dater. She and her boyfriend had been together for 7 years, only for him to die in a car accident.

You are not guaranteed a tomorrow. If you've met the right person DON'T WAIT! It doesn't matter if other people think you're "too young." Younger people can love just as strongly and make it through tough times just as well as older people. Age is just a number; it doesn't define your maturity or your place in life.

The Bible says to not let anyone look down upon you because you are young. What a great verse to encourage young couples who want to get married instead of dating forever! I am appalled at the number of people who think perpetual dating is okay for Christians. Anything longer than 2 years IMO is way too long. At that point, you know whether or not you've met the right person. And if you aren't going to marry them, give somebody else a chance to.

 

[Lizzi4Christ]

Very good points piggytail!

 

[katelyn]

I am appalled at the number of people who think perpetual dating is okay for Christians. Anything longer than 2 years IMO is way too long. At that point, you know whether or not you've met the right person.

I'm not exactly sure what you mean by "perpetual dating." I agree that 2 years is usually a pretty good length of time to date before getting married (it worked for me and my husband! ), but I wouldn't go so far as to say that anything longer than that is too long. The friends I know who dated 5-6 years started dating when they were younger than 16. If they had only dated 2 years, they would have gotten married while they were still in high school!!

Also, I know of examples of people who dated longer than two years, but ended up not working out. I think a major reason for that is that people want to believe that it's going to work out, so they don't see the issues that are in the end going to break them up. Maybe after 2 years you should be able to know in a healthy relationship, but not all relationships are healthy.

 

[Lizzi4Christ]

I think in general most people don't know what love is. They think it's a feeling. But the kind of love you need for a marriage is more then just a feeling, it's also a choice.

I wonder how many couples that broke up would have lasted a long time if only they realized that.

 

[katelyn]

I think in general most people don't know what love is. They think it's a feeling. But the kind of love you need for a marriage is more then just a feeling, it's also a choice.

I wonder how many couples that broke up would have lasted a long time if only they realized that.

That's exactly what I'm talking about. So many people rush into marriage riding on the feeling of love they have, only to eventually come crashing down. Yes, you choose to love someone, and even if you come to some abrupt realizations after you are married that your spouse is not who you thought they were, then the honorable thing to do is to choose to love them anyway.

But, don't you want to be with the right person, someone you can get along with, who respects you, etc.? I was in a relationship where I thought I was going to marry that person someday, and that person did not treat me very well at all. I could have stayed with it since "love is a decision," but would it have been a very happy life for me? I doubt it. Had I married him, then yes, I would have had to stick with it, but I thank God that I didn't.

 

[sowellfan]

Secondly, for everyone advocating college, I'm sorry, but I have to disagree. COLLEGE ISN'T FOR EVERYONE.

Maybe I should have explained myself a little better. I agree that college is not for everyone. But, I think that everyone should have job skills to fall back on, even if they are planning on being a stay at home mother.

I don't want anybody to think I'm denigrating staying at home with the kids, because there are lots of good things to be said for it, especially while the kids are still in elementary school. But there are many bad things that could happen in life, and have happened all too often to women who thought they were secure. The husband who seemed to be a terrific man can find another woman, they can turn to alcohol or drugs, or they can just get killed in an accident.

Thirty or forty thousand dollars a year is tough to bring in when you're starting from square one and you don't have any skills. Just visit your local community college, and you'll see plenty of examples of what I'm talking about. It's a depressing sight.

 

[sowellfan]

Ok, regarding the young marriage thing, I found a little something on the internet in this article

http://listarchives.his.com/smartmarriages/smartmarriages.0211/msg00013.html

Here's the important quote that I'm looking at:

Figures released last year from the National Center for Health Statistics
found nearly half of marriages in which the bride is 18 or younger end in
separation or divorce within 10 years. For brides 25 and older, half as many
marriages break up.

Unfortunately I'm at work and I don't have time to find the actual source at the National Center for Health Statistics, but this gives you an idea of what they found.

 

[LadyBird]

Anything longer than 2 years IMO is way too long. At that point, you know whether or not you've met the right person. And if you aren't going to marry them, give somebody else a chance to.

Your last statement really bothered me. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. He is 19 and I am almost 19. We feel that we are right for each other and know that if we were 3 years older we would be married right now. Unfortunantly, neither of us are financially stable, we just finished high school and are trying to figure out what we want to do. We are in NO rush to get married because a) we are still young b) we are not ready to get married. There is nothing wrong with not being ready for marriage. I know a couple who dated for 8 years before they got married.

To answer the original question. If you are questioning whether you are too young to get married then you probably are. What is the rush? If you know you are going to get married then why rush into something when you are not ready. Especially when you are still really young. If your boyfriend is "the one" for you right now, then he still will be in 3 years from now.

 

[Warrior Poet]

No there isnt really and age that is considered to young to be married, but the other factors should be heavily wieghed in. Like everyone else said if you have to ask you arent ready.

Each couple is different and should be treated on a indivdual basis but age has more to do with it then you may want to realize, just like life experiences. I have been through alot from 14-19 and alot from 19-21 I look back and am in awe of what took place and how much I have grown and changed, The worst thing I ever did to my ex was marry her, cause I wasnt a man or anythign that resembled one. Like I said for every story about young marriages lasting there are at least two that go againist it, thats just the way the world works, what can make all the difference is Gods role in the relationship, not love or years together but God. Love is a choice but even in the name of love we can make bad or wrong choices. Also prepetual dating???? What I plan on doing is spending the rest of my life with my bestfriend, I dont date my bestfriend, I dont need to rush to put a ring on her finger nor put a two year limit on wether knowing she is right for me, 5 years 7 years 19 years she will be my best friend that wont change wether there is a ring on her finger or not. Dating as I have said over and over is a pointless term, I dont agree with it or believe in it. I would take seven unwed years with my bestfriend just as I would take 7 years wed nothing will change, im not marring for sex, Im marring cause I love this person and want her to be there when I cant clean my own dentures, when sitting down takes more outta me then getting up, and be there for her when she needs a shaw cause the heater isnt enough to keep her warm.....and so on. Everyone has set rules for themselves and for their partner and "dating life", if they work for you great, but rushing into marriage isnt wise WHY WAIT??? Cause if waiting changes anything then that is even more of a sign that this isnt the right person for you or that you arent the right person for them.

Warrior Poet

 

[msjones21]

And based on the 50% divorce rate, IMO, I think that people who get married later in life are more likely to get divorced.

I'm so glad someone else brought up the point about the majority of marriages that end in divorce are people who got married in their teens.
Bottom line, there is nothing wrong with dating for a couple of years. I was thoroughly appalled by piggytail's comments. I disagree 100% with her.

Why wait to get married?

My standard formula is 1 year of friendship, 2 years of courtship, and six months of engagement. That is plenty of time to get to know someone, see how they worship God, see how they are with children, see how they are about work, and see how they are with their family and yours. You also shouldn't persue a "serious" relationship unless both parties are able to wed and be financially stable and spiritually compatible.

Why date for 5 or 6 years?

You don't have to date that long, but it's best to wait at least 2 or 3. You really don't know someone in any less than one year's time.

I watched one of my friends be a perpetual dater. She and her boyfriend had been together for 7 years, only for him to die in a car accident.

So how would the two of them being married change what happened? He would ahve died anyway. Exploiting your friend's tragedy as a way to advocate teenage marriages (which almost always end in divorce, even among Christians) is sad.

You are not guaranteed a tomorrow.

Yeah, that's the BEST reason to rush into marriage before you're ready. *end sarcasm*

If you've met the right person DON'T WAIT!

The point you're missing is you won't know you've met the right person until you've known them a couple of years. Love at first sight is half myth.

It doesn't matter if other people think you're "too young."

I can't believe you're encouraging people to just go with their warm fuzzy feelings and not heed the advice from their parents and elders. Bottom line, if your parents, your fiance's parents, or elders in your church say you're too young then you'd best listen to their advice. They know better than you ever will and they can see things that will damage the marriage better than you.

Younger people can love just as strongly and make it through tough times just as well as older people.

No they can't. Until you've spent years and years with your spouse you won't know what it takes to make a marriage successful and the love you feel for someone at the age of 18 is so void of maturity as opposed to when you're 45 and been married to the same person for 20 years.

Age is just a number; it doesn't define your maturity or your place in life.

I hate it when people say that! Age is NOT "just" a number. It does define your place in life and your maturity level to an extent. I don't know how old you are but judging from your opinions lacking mature forethought, I'd say you're probably not any older than 18 or 19. Trust me, you will see. When you're 25, 35, 45 you will look back and think "geez, I can't believe I was so immature and foolish!"

The Bible says to not let anyone look down upon you because you are young. What a great verse to encourage young couples who want to get married instead of dating forever!

That verse has NOTHING, catch that? N-o-t-h-i-n-g to do with encouraging young marriage! It's stating don't let anyone tell you that you can't have a strong walk with the Lord because you're young. Jesus was a little boy speaking with the elders in the synagogue. That verse does not mean you should rush out and get married.

I am appalled at the number of people who think perpetual dating is okay for Christians.

I am appalled at people who think it's okay to twist Scripture, use cliches, and disregard what elders advise all in the name of *feelings*.

Anything longer than 2 years IMO is way too long.

It depends on the couple. The miniumum should be 18 months.

And if you aren't going to marry them, give somebody else a chance to.

Yes, because I'm so sure if you date someone from the age of 18 to 25 and you don't get married that the person you were dating will never find "the one" because you wasted their time. Your post does not ONCE mention waiting on God's time. *pfft*

 

[Living4Him03]

I agree with most of what Ms.Jones said. however, it is a bit harsh Ms.Jones! You don't KNOW you are naive when you are 19!

My parents married at 19. However, they had been dating for 2 years, felt God had brought them together, and they kept God at the center of their relationship. Their parents did not help them out financially or offer emotional support either. They relied on God and one another. THEY were mature enough and it was within God's perfect timing. If you have ANY doubts about being too young, DO NOT get married.

I do not think young marriages ALWAYS end in divorce, however it seems that they do end in divorce most of the time. This is because, I think, young people who marry at 18/19 often do not understand that marriage is 100 percent giving, includes constant sacrifice and compromise, and is going to include pain and probably some crying and it's not always going to be a Cinderella story. yes, people at 18/19 say "oh i know that" but do you really? Do you really know how much work and commitment it takes to become "one flesh" with another human being?

Also, when you are 18/19 you don't think of marriage as being in sickness and in health. it should be in health AND in sickness. I heard someone on the radio the other day talking about her husband's illness and how she has trusted in God to give her strength and how difficult that is. If you are going to get married you need to be really prepared.

You wouldnt go to an exam without studying and expect to pass. You wouldnt try to drive a race car without learning to drive first and having some type of training. Why enter marriage when you really don't understand that much about it and need more time to grow as a person and in your relationship with Christ?

 

[msjones21]

I agree, Living, thank you for pointing out my hasty post. I just know the struggles involved in getting married at a really young age. It's not so much that I disagree with the idea of getting married if you're really sure, but to say "don't listen to what anybody else has to say about it" is completely un-Biblical. I went straight from childhood to adulthood in a matter of a few hours. It was a frightening transition. My parents had anticipated me going to college and perhaps living on my own for awhile so my mother never prepared me for marriage. I wasn't at all ready and so here I am, 22 and I've been divorced for almost three years. I don't think all teenage marriages end in divorce, but statistics show most do.

Granted, I didn't think I was immature and naive at 18, but boy was I! I apologize to Piggy for my abrupt post. I stand by the point I was trying to convey, but perhaps my delivery could have been a bit more subtle.

 

[Living4Him03]

Thanks for sharing your life experience with us on CF Ms.Jones it has been encouraging, at least to me anyway!