I don't honestly know if I am good enough, I don't know if it is becaue of how I have been socially conditoned, but sometimes I feel it is hard for me to, be peaceful. I think I, but the world has made me cynical, jaded at such notions and I even brought out a dark side to me I never knew existed, or I have experienced dark things in the world that has weighed on my soul and perhaps stolen my innocence and I do not know if it's me or the world sometimes. Another thing too, living a life on the sidelines is difficult for me sometimes and expecting to turn the other cheek. I confess, I wonder if I am truly a gentile at times as well, in however way that was concieved.
I feel guilty because after spending lots of time studying and searching for answers, I found myself experiencing at best I would "illumination" and I see how much of, the bible is actually true and it makes sense to me. I generally know what it is about mostly, I think.
I weigh thr bible against things like science or rationality, and even athiesm and I just cannot help thinking that it's actually true. I really have always believed, in God and I see much of rest of the world as lost or even dammed. I find a bit more solace or comfront now in this fact, but it makes me feel sad and backwards. I believe very strongly in God and what the bible stands for.
There's some things though, I think things like sex before marriage is alright and I think it is fine to express oneself or whatever. Well, I think much of the sadness comes from wanting to live a better world at times. Since seeing the "light" I find it almost unbearable at times. I realize I am a broken person looking for shelter I feel, in the "Lord's temple" perhaps?
In the Satanic Bible they have a verse that sums up the whole philosophy which is , do what though will is the the whole of the law. You see large portions of scripture are pointing that it is true and you have kept the philosophy of do what though will as your core philosophy. The LORD says no one can serve two masters and he will love one and hate the other. You openly disagree that sex before marriage is wrong and if you really examine your belief you will find your reasons or rationalizations all come form a purely selfish motive. God made man to be partnered with a single mate. And the intimacy of sex has life creating potential and is a bond that is for life between two people committed entirely to each other. What ever view you have has reduced this to some level of self fulfilment and expressing feelings without the life long commitment. Ask yourself if society would be better off if people had a single spouse and raised kids in a loving secure home?
People understand they need a savior but Jesus is Lord too. You will not experience the peace of God without the surrender to God. The scriptures promise if you confess Jesus He will make you a new person in Christ and the old things will pass away. He promises to give you His Spirit to dwell within you and from that point on you are daily dying to the old and walking in the new. You are most of the way their but have not surrendered your heart. If you do the dark desires will flee and the heart of Christ will be planted in you to conform you into a Christlike person.
your life is your choice but here are two contrasting lists of what it is to be either in the flesh or in the Spirit.
19 Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery,[fn] fornication, uncleanness, lewdness, 20 idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions, heresies, 21 envy, murders,[fn] drunkenness, revelries, and the like; of which I tell you beforehand, just as I also told
you in time past, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. 24 And those
who are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit.
Its your choice which list you want to live out your life under. You must be born of the Spirit to attain the fruit of the Spirit. i was in your shoes many years ago and do not regret for a second coming to Christ and it is true love joy and peace in Christ are way better then sex drugs and rock n roll.