Am I Crazy?

[Audiomechanic]

Back story: My wife's bosses have mistreated her over the past 5 years. These are mean nasty people who really treat her poorly most times, degrade her personally and such. Several times, when things have gotten bad there, i have told her to leave the place. She always stuck it out though to help us stay afloat with her income. There have also been a few times, especially more recently, with the move coming up or other goals on the horizon when she has told me she wants to quit. I have told her that I support her, but at the same time, her quitting scares me because of the lack of security quitting would put us in. But that i would do my part to make it work and i knew she would too. The truth is, even the times I told her to walk out, I was scared. I supported her always and would do what was necessary to make it work (I know she would too).

Fast forward to now. So the same situation has arisen at work again, but this time I know she's really done with the place. I don't blame her. With the move coming and all of that, she'd be putting in her resegnation soon anyway. I, of course, said I was concerned, but at the same time, that I support her and will do my part to make it work. I was being truthful.

She said she doesn't believe me and that she feels she has to do it all on her own. And currently does not want to talk to me.

Am I really a terrible person and am in the wrong here or is she blowing things out of proportion?

I need a female perspective here.

 

[DreadWarrior]

It's hard to say, since her reaction doesn't mesh with your perspective on how you're treating the situation.

 

[DreadWarrior]

(Accidental double post)

 

[Audiomechanic]

It's hard to say, since her reaction doesn't mesh with your perspective on how you're treating the situation.

That's what I thought too and why it caught me off guard so much.

 

[ValleyGal]

AM, it's so hard to say. I think given your wife's emotional issues, I am guessing it's really hard for her to trust - not even you. But she trusted you enough to tell you that she does not trust you. I'm guessing it's really hard for her to feel secure and safe with her loss of finances. It might be symbolic of losing her independence, or even worse, being in a position where she has no choice but to trust you, whether she is ready for it or not. And of course, because you are safe, she is taking it out on you as well, by not talking to you.

AM, I know that you try very hard to be sensitive to her relational needs and her mental health needs, but you also need to try to balance this - and it's a fine line - with what is and is not acceptable in healthy relationships. There comes a time when she needs to say "I'm going to trust him in spite of my own inability to trust" or "I need to treat my husband respectfully even when my emotional state is insecure." I"m just concerned about the long term effect of allowing her to treat you the way she does when her emotional state is insecure. Perhaps it's something to talk about with your therapist.....how you can support her in getting past all this by establishing boundaries.

 

[Niffer]

Omw, do I relate to the whole "feeling I need to do everything on my own."
I have told my husband that exact phrase many times in fact!

Now just for clarification here, does she feel that she doesn't have your support in quitting? Or does she feel that she needs to 'provide' income, and thats why she didn't want to quit previously?

That being said, personally, it was a trust issue with my husband.
I didn't feel that if I gave up my control, he'd be able to "handle it."
And perhaps, she's feeling that if she quit her job, that you wouldn't be able to handle living off one income while she job hunted.

As a woman who likes to have control, when I was put into a stressful situation where I had to give up that control, and trust my husband, what helped most was a PLAN.
A plan where I saw that he could control things, and had thought of all the potential problems and issues.

If her main worry is income, my advice is this:

Deduct her income from your budget, figure out how far your paycheque can get stretched, or what you need to let go of. (eg. dinners out/movie night etc.)
This will show her that you're planning ahead.
Calculate in your savings, and figure out how long can you pay rent/bills/grocery bills for, using your savings.
This will give her a timeline to work with, and give her a deadline when it comes to how long she can be unemployed.
If necessary, find out about overtime or what you could do to possibly make a little more cash during your time living on just your income.
This will show her that you CAN handle things and will work hard to do so.

Get all this information together, sit down and PLAN.
Show her that she can trust you, you got this!

And remember, this really isn't personal, it's stress and one of the worst kinds too, financial.

Best of luck~
~ Niffer

 

[Odetta]

Maybe she feels your ambivalence about her quitting, and feels pressured because of it. I mean, if my husband was telling me he was really concerned about how we'd make ends meet, but sure honey, go ahead and quit, I'd feel very resentful, like he really didn't want me to quit at all, and pressured that the potential financial failure of the family was resting on my shoulders. Telling me to go ahead and quit, at the same telling me he didn't think things would go well financially if I did, is not actually supportive.

For some perspective, I was the wife who had a horrible job that was making her ill. Like see a doctor ill. And I begged my husband to let me quit. And for a while he said no, because we needed the money. I felt resentful for that, like he was sacrificing me at the alter of money. Why couldn't he have faith that God would provide, instead of making me stay in an untenable position? Finally, something happened that was the last straw, and he agreed that things had reached the point where quitting was the only option. He put me first above money. And we made it work.

 

[~Anastasia~]

I'm sorry that you are both going through a rough time.

From VG's post, it seems there's more backstory that I'm not aware of, so I'll just give my first impressions, for what they are worth.

Which is pretty much to agree with Odetta. If I were in that position (and I have been in a similar position with work I almost couldn't tolerate), and I came home and told my husband, I might be looking for one or both of two things.

First I would be looking for understanding, maybe comfort.

Second I might be looking for him to say we could manage without my working.

Those are the things that occur to me, anyway. I wonder if she feels heard by you, and if she needed comfort? You didn't really say one way or another in your post, that I could read into it. (Not accusing you here, just offering ideas - you know what actually happened, so you would be the best judge.) And ... if I WERE looking for my husband to say that we could get along without my income, what you wrote above makes me think you might have sounded ambivalent about it to her. If she is fragile emotionally, she might have only "heard" the part that said she needed to keep the job. Just a thought, I am not sure of course.

But those are my ideas. I don't think you are a terrible person, I don't see anyone in the wrong, and I don't accuse her of blowing things out of proportion. I don't know everyone's mental/emotional state and the stresses you are both under, but it sounds like some compassion and communication could make things better? I hope?

Just a suggestion ... if I were in your place and I was trying to show my spouse that I was serious about making adjustments for their sake, I would probably come up with some concrete ideas of ways I could do that, and then go to them and discuss it. Kind of an "actions speak louder than words" thing.

Those are just my thoughts, in case any of it sounds like it may apply, I wanted to offer it. I hope that whatever is needed, you find it and that you can both work things out. Praying for you!

 

[akmom]

If I was in your wife's position I'd be looking for a new job before putting in a resignation.

 

[seeingeyes]

Back story: My wife's bosses have mistreated her over the past 5 years. These are mean nasty people who really treat her poorly most times, degrade her personally and such. Several times, when things have gotten bad there, i have told her to leave the place. She always stuck it out though to help us stay afloat with her income. There have also been a few times, especially more recently, with the move coming up or other goals on the horizon when she has told me she wants to quit. I have told her that I support her, but at the same time, her quitting scares me because of the lack of security quitting would put us in. But that i would do my part to make it work and i knew she would too. The truth is, even the times I told her to walk out, I was scared. I supported her always and would do what was necessary to make it work (I know she would too).

Fast forward to now. So the same situation has arisen at work again, but this time I know she's really done with the place. I don't blame her. With the move coming and all of that, she'd be putting in her resegnation soon anyway. I, of course, said I was concerned, but at the same time, that I support her and will do my part to make it work. I was being truthful.

She said she doesn't believe me and that she feels she has to do it all on her own. And currently does not want to talk to me.

Am I really a terrible person and am in the wrong here or is she blowing things out of proportion?

I need a female perspective here.

You've had a lot of good answers here.

I think some concrete action might work better than reassuring words. Maybe you could put together a "budget proposal" for this interim period to show her that you are serious about weathering this with her and that you are thinking ahead. Show her that you know that the two of you can survive on one income for a while.

It would probably help you feel better about it, too.

 

[Audiomechanic]

AM, it's so hard to say. I think given your wife's emotional issues, I am guessing it's really hard for her to trust - not even you. But she trusted you enough to tell you that she does not trust you. I'm guessing it's really hard for her to feel secure and safe with her loss of finances. It might be symbolic of losing her independence, or even worse, being in a position where she has no choice but to trust you, whether she is ready for it or not. And of course, because you are safe, she is taking it out on you as well, by not talking to you.

AM, I know that you try very hard to be sensitive to her relational needs and her mental health needs, but you also need to try to balance this - and it's a fine line - with what is and is not acceptable in healthy relationships. There comes a time when she needs to say "I'm going to trust him in spite of my own inability to trust" or "I need to treat my husband respectfully even when my emotional state is insecure." I"m just concerned about the long term effect of allowing her to treat you the way she does when her emotional state is insecure. Perhaps it's something to talk about with your therapist.....how you can support her in getting past all this by establishing boundaries.

VG, as always, thank you. It is difficult for her to trust anyone really. Her parents were so manipulative to her over the 25 years she lived with them and had contact with them that she finds it hard to trust even me, even though I've proven that I support her and want the best for her over and over and over.

Maybe she feels your ambivalence about her quitting, and feels pressured because of it. I mean, if my husband was telling me he was really concerned about how we'd make ends meet, but sure honey, go ahead and quit, I'd feel very resentful, like he really didn't want me to quit at all, and pressured that the potential financial failure of the family was resting on my shoulders. Telling me to go ahead and quit, at the same telling me he didn't think things would go well financially if I did, is not actually supportive.

For some perspective, I was the wife who had a horrible job that was making her ill. Like see a doctor ill. And I begged my husband to let me quit. And for a while he said no, because we needed the money. I felt resentful for that, like he was sacrificing me at the alter of money. Why couldn't he have faith that God would provide, instead of making me stay in an untenable position? Finally, something happened that was the last straw, and he agreed that things had reached the point where quitting was the only option. He put me first above money. And we made it work.

I think you have hit the nail closest to the center of the head here, from what I was getting from my wife last night. If you don't mind, since you seem to be most "aligned" with what I think my wife is feeling/thinking, I'll share with you (or anyone else) questions/thoughts that I have:

1) Yes, her quitting concerns me, but at the same time, I want her to get out of that situation and we'd do what we have to do to adjust. Should I have just kept quiet about my concerns?

2) I have never said No to her quitting. That being said, in the past I have been less concerned about it because we didn't have big things on the horizon. We do now. We're going to be listing our house for sale this Saturday and once it sells, we're moving half way across the country. Neither of us have jobs waiting for us when we get there. In light of this, yes, it scares me. But at the same time, I want her to get our of there.

3) As others and you have surmised, she is in a highly emotional state. When should I try and re-broach this topic and explain myself?

4) When I explain myself, what should I explain?

I'm sorry that you are both going through a rough time.

From VG's post, it seems there's more backstory that I'm not aware of, so I'll just give my first impressions, for what they are worth.

Which is pretty much to agree with Odetta. If I were in that position (and I have been in a similar position with work I almost couldn't tolerate), and I came home and told my husband, I might be looking for one or both of two things.

First I would be looking for understanding, maybe comfort.

Second I might be looking for him to say we could manage without my working.

Those are the things that occur to me, anyway. I wonder if she feels heard by you, and if she needed comfort? You didn't really say one way or another in your post, that I could read into it. (Not accusing you here, just offering ideas - you know what actually happened, so you would be the best judge.) And ... if I WERE looking for my husband to say that we could get along without my income, what you wrote above makes me think you might have sounded ambivalent about it to her. If she is fragile emotionally, she might have only "heard" the part that said she needed to keep the job. Just a thought, I am not sure of course.

But those are my ideas. I don't think you are a terrible person, I don't see anyone in the wrong, and I don't accuse her of blowing things out of proportion. I don't know everyone's mental/emotional state and the stresses you are both under, but it sounds like some compassion and communication could make things better? I hope?

Just a suggestion ... if I were in your place and I was trying to show my spouse that I was serious about making adjustments for their sake, I would probably come up with some concrete ideas of ways I could do that, and then go to them and discuss it. Kind of an "actions speak louder than words" thing.

Those are just my thoughts, in case any of it sounds like it may apply, I wanted to offer it. I hope that whatever is needed, you find it and that you can both work things out. Praying for you!

Thank you. The first time she called me, she was an emotional wreck and explained everything and I, of course, started coming up with solutions. She about hung up the phone, telling me she just wanted me to listen. AAARGH!!! I CAN'T READ MINDS! I didn't know that, told her I didn't know that, and proceeded to simply listen for the rest of the conversation.

Later on, we had a second conversation and that is when I told her I support her but I'm scared.

Her back story is she had narcissistic and abusive parents for 25 years. They screwed her up pretty good. Yes, she is in therapy and has been for 7 or 8 years now. Her current bosses are a lot like her parents were.

You've had a lot of good answers here.

I think some concrete action might work better than reassuring words. Maybe you could put together a "budget proposal" for this interim period to show her that you are serious about weathering this with her and that you are thinking ahead. Show her that you know that the two of you can survive on one income for a while.

It would probably help you feel better about it, too.

I can do that. We already do a budget together. I can adjust it for this.

 

[seeingeyes]

I can do that. We already do a budget together. I can adjust it for this.

I don't think you have to lie and claim that you aren't anxious, but make sure you couch everything in terms of "it's me and you together, no matter what". Difficult times are so much easier when you have someone to go through them with.

God bless you both.

 

[Audiomechanic]

I don't think you have to lie and claim that you aren't anxious, but make sure you couch everything in terms of "it's me and you together, no matter what". Difficult times are so much easier when you have someone to go through them with.

God bless you both.

Makes sense. I did mention that, despite my fears and such, that, "I would do what I have to do, that I know she would too, and that we'd make it work."

Perhaps my wording was bad.

 

[seeingeyes]

Makes sense. I did mention that, despite my fears and such, that, "I would do what I have to do, that I know she would too, and that we'd make it work."

Perhaps my wording was bad.

Maybe. Or maybe she doesn't believe you for whatever reason.

The fact is that you can't make her trust you. All you can do is be trustworthy.

 

[Audiomechanic]

Maybe. Or maybe she doesn't believe you for whatever reason.

The fact is that you can't make her trust you. All you can do is be trustworthy.

Yeah. I know you're right. That's still the part that sucks because I have bent over backwards in the 5 years of our marriage to be trustworthy. Especially when it comes to supporting her in her endeavors and helping her grow. No one in her life has pushed her to be more and do more and achieve what she never thought she could do than me. Not even close. That's not "tooting my own horn," that is just a fact. So this whole situation makes me feel like, "ok, wife, I have supported you in everything you've done and wanted to do since we met, and now you don't think I'll do the same?! W T F do I have to do to prove it to you?!"

I wonder if I'll ever reach a point where trust is automatic and I don't have to claw and fight to earn it. I really hate her parents and the damage they did to her.

 

[BigDaddy4]

2) I have never said No to her quitting. That being said, in the past I have been less concerned about it because we didn't have big things on the horizon. We do now. We're going to be listing our house for sale this Saturday and once it sells, we're moving half way across the country. Neither of us have jobs waiting for us when we get there. In light of this, yes, it scares me. But at the same time, I want her to get our of there.

Other issues or not, this would be a huge stressor for most marriages. I may have missed something somewhere, but why would you do that without a job lined up?? Any prospects? What is the job market like where you are going compared to where you are at?

Like I said, I may have missed something, but people usually don't just quit their jobs, sell their house, and move half way across the country without a purpose and a means of support once they get there.

Hope it all works out for you, though.

 

[~Anastasia~]

Other issues or not, this would be a huge stressor for most marriages. I may have missed something somewhere, but why would you do that without a job lined up?? Any prospects? What is the job market like where you are going compared to where you are at?

Like I said, I may have missed something, but people usually don't just quit their jobs, sell their house, and move half way across the country without a purpose and a means of support once they get there.

Hope it all works out for you, though.

Yes, this IS a HUGE stressor. My husband and I have done it twice in the four years we have been married, but we did have a purpose, and partial plans. A lot of relying on God as well though.

 

[~Anastasia~]

Yeah. I know you're right. That's still the part that sucks because I have bent over backwards in the 5 years of our marriage to be trustworthy. Especially when it comes to supporting her in her endeavors and helping her grow. No one in her life has pushed her to be more and do more and achieve what she never thought she could do than me. Not even close. That's not "tooting my own horn," that is just a fact. So this whole situation makes me feel like, "ok, wife, I have supported you in everything you've done and wanted to do since we met, and now you don't think I'll do the same?! W T F do I have to do to prove it to you?!"

I wonder if I'll ever reach a point where trust is automatic and I don't have to claw and fight to earn it. I really hate her parents and the damage they did to her.

I'm sorry that it hurts you, and I understand that it does.

But five years really isn't that long. You may feel as though it is (your're 30?) and I can understand that, but really it isn't. I do hope she grows to trust you more over more time. Maybe her counseling can help, but it sounds like a very good prayer focus for you both.

BTW, do you pray together? Her hearing your thoughts toward her and your marriage can also serve as a kind of daily affirmation.

(Oh and btw, it may be that she does trust you quite a bit? but with the stress of the situation she is facing right now, and the one you both face looming before you, things like trust levels can "backslide" temporarily. Human emotional progress isn't perfect.)

I pray things get better for you both.

 

[Audiomechanic]

We're primarily moving to A) get out of the city we're in; B) move closer to family.

 

[Audiomechanic]

I'm sorry that it hurts you, and I understand that it does.

But five years really isn't that long. You may feel as though it is (your're 30?) and I can understand that, but really it isn't. I do hope she grows to trust you more over more time. Maybe her counseling can help, but it sounds like a very good prayer focus for you both.

BTW, do you pray together? Her hearing your thoughts toward her and your marriage can also serve as a kind of daily affirmation.

(Oh and btw, it may be that she does trust you quite a bit? but with the stress of the situation she is facing right now, and the one you both face looming before you, things like trust levels can "backslide" temporarily. Human emotional progress isn't perfect.)

I pray things get better for you both.

Ok, time to comment.

5 years does indeed seem like a long time. I thought it was. At least long enough to develop some real deep trust.

What you're saying about stress and trust makes a lot of sense to me and I didn't take that into consideration. Perhaps with all the stress, she's reverting back to some of her coping mechanisms from when she lived with her parents.

As for prayer, we don't really. Together or otherwise. There's a story behind this but that's another topic for another time (I'm working with my SAA sponsor and therapist on this).