- Sep 28, 2021
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- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Generic Orthodox Christian
- Marital Status
- Private
About six months ago, I told my friend a story that I have never told anyone. We were talking about how afraid I was of a particular guy online. She is friends with this guy btw.
The story I told:
My stepdad whom I love very much and who loved me (no question about it), was encouraged by me to take pictures of me unclothed. I was in my late teens to early twenties. I loved to drink with him and dares were often the result. It was fun at the time. One night, I came home from a party halfway drunk. My stepdad was running a fever. We were out of town and sharing a bedroom. His bed was next to mine. I don't know how it came about but he crawled in with me to cuddle. He took my clothes off saying that I would be warmer naked with him beside me. I felt uncomfortable and told him that I didn't like my body. He wanted to encourage me, so he 'touched' me. I don't know how long before he went back to his own bed. I was confused. I thought about my mom and was glad she wasn't there, because how would I explain this.
I let it go until one night after my stepdad died, one of my mom's coworkers (a male) who was helping us move discovered pictures of me in my stepdad's office. I played it off to mom. I don't remember what I said but I felt that I needed to protect my stepdad's memory.
He really was a good, Christian man. One ofy sisters knows about the pictures and has called me a harlot. I feel like I live in an upside down world. I can tell no one because my stepdad is gold to the rest of my family and to me as well. I can repeat it here because no one knows my real name. I love the anonymity.
I tried to tell my friend but she just blamed my stepdad. She says that he wasn't a good man and that he groomed me. She wasn't helping. I told her because I wanted forgiveness for leading my stepdad to fall. I didn't want him to be blamed.
My friend even has issue with the fact that I would sleep with him every night or at least, in his bed, because I never got to experience that as a child.
Soon after telling my friend, she started to treat me differently. She said that I argue with people online because I want to cover my own nakedness, that she could sense the fear behind my words and she kept asking me why I would discuss menstrual blood with 'a virgin' 18 year old boy (he was one of my best friends). I had 'been caught' another friend wrote me when she tried to shut me up about the menstrual conversation. I felt damned by both of them, although I don't know if the friend I told, told this other friend.
I have been called an 'emotional terrorist' and all sorts of things. Much of it deserved because I was very mean too. They told me to get off the net because I couldn't handle it. They eventually cut off communication with me, saying that I am not liked and that I destroy everything.
I feel broken and unworthy to be around anyone.
I spiralled so horribly. I got a knife because I wanted to cut myself. I ended up stabbing the pillow instead. I also called a friend who talked me down. That friend I called left me soon after, repeating the 'emotional terrorist' slur.
I tried to beg the friend I originally told the story to, not to leave me because it seemed like everyone was leaving me (I was primarily referring to losing many people through death, but also to my biological father and a boyfriend). I didn't know that I had to qualify because my friend said basically, that, it was my fault everyone was leaving me.
I don't know what to do. Prayers please. I really feel alone, especially at night. I can't go to a therapist until Covid lifts.
The story I told:
My stepdad whom I love very much and who loved me (no question about it), was encouraged by me to take pictures of me unclothed. I was in my late teens to early twenties. I loved to drink with him and dares were often the result. It was fun at the time. One night, I came home from a party halfway drunk. My stepdad was running a fever. We were out of town and sharing a bedroom. His bed was next to mine. I don't know how it came about but he crawled in with me to cuddle. He took my clothes off saying that I would be warmer naked with him beside me. I felt uncomfortable and told him that I didn't like my body. He wanted to encourage me, so he 'touched' me. I don't know how long before he went back to his own bed. I was confused. I thought about my mom and was glad she wasn't there, because how would I explain this.
I let it go until one night after my stepdad died, one of my mom's coworkers (a male) who was helping us move discovered pictures of me in my stepdad's office. I played it off to mom. I don't remember what I said but I felt that I needed to protect my stepdad's memory.
He really was a good, Christian man. One ofy sisters knows about the pictures and has called me a harlot. I feel like I live in an upside down world. I can tell no one because my stepdad is gold to the rest of my family and to me as well. I can repeat it here because no one knows my real name. I love the anonymity.
I tried to tell my friend but she just blamed my stepdad. She says that he wasn't a good man and that he groomed me. She wasn't helping. I told her because I wanted forgiveness for leading my stepdad to fall. I didn't want him to be blamed.
My friend even has issue with the fact that I would sleep with him every night or at least, in his bed, because I never got to experience that as a child.
Soon after telling my friend, she started to treat me differently. She said that I argue with people online because I want to cover my own nakedness, that she could sense the fear behind my words and she kept asking me why I would discuss menstrual blood with 'a virgin' 18 year old boy (he was one of my best friends). I had 'been caught' another friend wrote me when she tried to shut me up about the menstrual conversation. I felt damned by both of them, although I don't know if the friend I told, told this other friend.
I have been called an 'emotional terrorist' and all sorts of things. Much of it deserved because I was very mean too. They told me to get off the net because I couldn't handle it. They eventually cut off communication with me, saying that I am not liked and that I destroy everything.
I feel broken and unworthy to be around anyone.
I spiralled so horribly. I got a knife because I wanted to cut myself. I ended up stabbing the pillow instead. I also called a friend who talked me down. That friend I called left me soon after, repeating the 'emotional terrorist' slur.
I tried to beg the friend I originally told the story to, not to leave me because it seemed like everyone was leaving me (I was primarily referring to losing many people through death, but also to my biological father and a boyfriend). I didn't know that I had to qualify because my friend said basically, that, it was my fault everyone was leaving me.
I don't know what to do. Prayers please. I really feel alone, especially at night. I can't go to a therapist until Covid lifts.
