Am I being too idealistic?

[proverbswisdom]

These are the four areas I seek compatibility on in choosing a mate:

Intellectually - He doesn't have to be super smart but I am very intelligent and writing a comprehensive self-help book & I've noticed that when I date guys who are not somewhat close to my level we run out of things to talk about right away :/ My IQ is about 135 and I find I'm compatible with guys with IQs of 110 and above, as long as they are abstract thinkers (abstract thinkers are rare!)

Physically - doesn't have to be super good looking but there is a range that I find attractive and I feel like he has to be within that range. I tested this theory by dating someone I did not find attractive just to be sure whether I could compromise on this and I just couldn't bring myelf to kiss him :/ But maybe I should have kissed him anyway to know for sure? He was a great guy, very spiritual and really cared about me. I am about a 7-8 on a scale of 10 and I am usually attracted to guys who are a 6 or above. Is a 6 asking too much?

Spiritually - Can't compromise on this. Has to love God and have known Him for more than like one year which is about the length of time most of the guys I meet have known Him :/ I've been saved since age 5. If the guy si way more spiritually immature than me he feels that and it hurts his pride and he backs away. A man should be a spiritual leader in the home so that's prolly why they feel that.

Emotionally - This one is very important and I don't feel I can compromise on it at all (just like the spiritual one). I am a very deep persona and very emotionally intelligent. The guy has to have a certain level of emotional depth. About 1/4th of what I have minimum.

What do you think am I being too idealistic? Bc I haven't been able to find anyone with all of these qualities! What should I compromise? Should I have tried kissing that guy? I've found I can compromise on everything else but these 4 qualities seem to be the absolute basics, however not being able to find a guy with all 4 at minimum levels leads me to believe maybe God wants me to compromise on something. What do you think?

 

[sdmsanjose]

Am I being too idealistic?

These are the four areas I seek compatibility on in choosing a mate:

Intellectually - He doesn't have to be super smart but I am very intelligent and writing a comprehensive self-help book & I've noticed that when I date guys who are not somewhat close to my level we run out of things to talk about right away :/ My IQ is about 135 and I find I'm compatible with guys with IQs of 110 and above, as long as they are abstract thinkers (abstract thinkers are rare!)

Physically - doesn't have to be super good looking but there is a range that I find attractive and I feel like he has to be within that range. I tested this theory by dating someone I did not find attractive just to be sure whether I could compromise on this and I just couldn't bring myelf to kiss him :/ But maybe I should have kissed him anyway to know for sure? He was a great guy, very spiritual and really cared about me. I am about a 7-8 on a scale of 10 and I am usually attracted to guys who are a 6 or above. Is a 6 asking too much?

Spiritually - Can't compromise on this. Has to love God and have known Him for more than like one year which is about the length of time most of the guys I meet have known Him :/ I've been saved since age 5. If the guy si way more spiritually immature than me he feels that and it hurts his pride and he backs away. A man should be a spiritual leader in the home so that's prolly why they feel that.

Emotionally - This one is very important and I don't feel I can compromise on it at all (just like the spiritual one). I am a very deep persona and very emotionally intelligent. The guy has to have a certain level of emotional depth. About 1/4th of what I have minimum.

What do you think am I being too idealistic? Bc I haven't been able to find anyone with all of these qualities! What should I compromise? Should I have tried kissing that guy? I've found I can compromise on everything else but these 4 qualities seem to be the absolute basics, however not being able to find a guy with all 4 at minimum levels leads me to believe maybe God wants me to compromise on something. What do you think?

Intellectually
Finding someone with 110 or above should not be a problem at all.

Physically
Your post does not appear that your statement about the physical acceptance level of “6 or above” is accurate. Your post leads me to believe it is higher than a 6 or 7.

Spiritually
“Can’t compromise on this” is RIGHT ON!

Emotionally
Here again your post seems to tell me that your actions in regard to your acceptance level of “1/4 of what I have minimum” is not accurate. I do not think you are realistic about the ¼ claim.


My bases for saying what I said is the fact that you sated in your “Physical” section about the man you dated
“He was a great guy, very spiritual and really cared about me.”

That man passed the Spiritual and emotional part by quit a bit, which you say is “very important”. In fact it appears they are your two most important.

I do not think that you are too idealistic in your selecting those four qualities but some of your four stated criteria levels are contradictory to your actions.


I can understand that physically is important especially for the young but remember for the long haul the physical attractiveness gets less and less. Spiritual and emotional qualities do not have to fade with age in fact they can increase with age.

Since you asked “What do you think?” I will tell you that you need to get a more accurate evaluation of your acceptance level of each quality, put them in the right order, and then do not compromise.

I will also tell you that the emotional and spiritual can be the one that will be most important all of your life. If you have to compromise on any start with the physical; the physical will be greatly diminished after 20-30 years of marriage and sometimes in just 10 years.

 

[ImperialPhantom]

Was this post written by

 

[k450ofu3k-gh-5ipe]

Was this post written by

His IQ is probably closer to 200 so I'd say probably not .

 

[Sailor_A]

Maybe not idealistic... I don't know... when you have such a thorough and thought out list it makes it seem like you are shopping for a mate. If you can not live with someone without those 4 qualities then you have your answer. Maybe you will have to be more proactive in looking for someone. My advice however would be to be more easy going and just get to know people for the sake of it. You may find you change your mind.

 

[LinkH]

If you are still young-- say early 20's, and haven't met the right guy yet, don't worry about it. The Bible says, "He who finds a wife...." so the man is supposed to find you.

As far as physical attractiveness goes, I don't think it is wrong to want to be physically attracted to someone. A 6 on your scale might be a 9 on someone else's and a 2 on someone else's. If you are going to make babies with someone, there needs to be some kid of attraction, whether it comes from the physical side of things, personality, or what have you. We all have different tastes. If you married a man who repulsed you, that could make life unpleasant for him.

As far as intelligence goes, and abstract thinking goes, keep praying. I don't think it is wrong for you to want that. But if the right guy comes along who is strong in other areas, or who is a concrete thinker whose thinking challenges you in different ways, you might want to be a bit flexible on this point. You may not know what kind of man you need until you meet him.

As far as being a spiritual leader goes, I don't see any problem with wanting that. The only thing is to be careful not to think of yourself as really spiritual and certain men as not spiritual, of course. It's easy to confuse spirituality with a dynamic personality. If someone is vocal about his beliefs and wants to lead, a lot of that could be personality. A more reserved person could be spiritual but not outgoing, but be very spiritual, diligent in prayer. I think evidence of some kind of measure of discipline and evidence of godly character is something you should look for. When we were dating, I noticed my wife prayed a lot. Before she left the house, she prayed. I didn't get the sense she was doing this to impress me. It was just her habit. I didn't pray before every trip, but thought it was a good habit to adopt. So I often pray before driving out of my parking space nowadays. You should see if the man lies. Does he show compassion to others? Will he do what is right even if it costs him something? These can be better evidence of spirituality than talking intelligently about doctrine or wanting to be the leader in some church program or event.

Keep praying about your list, whether it is the right one to have, and for God to send you the right man. I don't see any problem with praying for a man with a list of characteristics, especially if you get the characteristics from the word of God.

My wife and I compared notes after we got engaged and latermarried (not literally, mental notes, I suppose) about what we wanted. Aside from spiritual characteristics, I wanted a beautiful wife, and I remember praying for a woman who could cook Chinese food. Early in our marriage when she had her own kitchen, my wife was passionate about cooking, and learned to make things like hot and sour soup, sweet and sour chicken, and Chinese food that was popular in her own country. I remembered my prayer. I was a bit self-conscious about my big nose and body hair. She's Asian. She either liked the body hair or had prayed for it. They have a phrase in her language for a 'nose that sticks out' which is considered an attractive characteristic. She had prayed for that, and liked my nose. There were lots of small things that we'd prayed for. I even got a lot of blessings I hadn't prayed for.

If I were you, I'd add 'diligent' to my prayer list. You want a man who will work hard, but keep his life in balance.

 

[proverbswisdom]

If you are still young-- say early 20's, and haven't met the right guy yet, don't worry about it. The Bible says, "He who finds a wife...." so the man is supposed to find you.

I'm actually 27 and despite putting myself in places for years where I can meet a guy, have never met a guy with all of those qualities. Ok I shouldn't say that. I've met like 2. But they weren't interested in me romantically.

 

[Darkhorse]

Part of the maturing process of dating and relationships is coming to the realization that no one can get all of the criteria they want in a mate.

Hopefully, we learn what is really important to us, and which things we can bend on, sometimes farther than we would like...

You'll know which is which when you are in a relationship with a guy and see other guys with qualities you want that your guy doesn't have. Do you leave him to search for the others? Or do you keep him because what he has is more important?

Experiencing several relationships with several people teaches you a lot...and yes, you should have kissed the earlier guy. We learn from experience.

 

[sdmsanjose]

Originally Posted by LinkHhttp://www.christianforums.com/t7653002/#post60422765
If you are still young-- say early 20's, and haven't met the right guy yet, don't worry about it. The Bible says, "He who finds a wife...." so the man is supposed to find you.

Link
Your advise is not complete.

The Bible does not prohibit a woman from finding a man. In fact the book of Ruth demonstrates how Ruth found her man and husband Boaz.

Ruth 3

New Living Translation (NLT)
Ruth at the Threshing Floor

3 One day Naomi said to Ruth, “My daughter, it’s time that I found a permanent home for you, so that you will be provided for. 2 Boaz is a close relative of ours, and he’s been very kind by letting you gather grain with his young women. Tonight he will be winnowing barley at the threshing floor. 3 Now do as I tell you—take a bath and put on perfume and dress in your nicest clothes. Then go to the threshing floor, but don’t let Boaz see you until he has finished eating and drinking. 4 Be sure to notice where he lies down; then go and uncover his feet and lie down there. He will tell you what to do.”
13 So Boaz took Ruth into his home, and she became his wife.

 

[k450ofu3k-gh-5ipe]

Link
Your advise is not complete.

The Bible does not prohibit a woman from finding a man. In fact the book of Ruth demonstrates how Ruth found her man and husband Boaz.

Ruth 3

New Living Translation (NLT)
Ruth at the Threshing Floor

3 One day Naomi said to Ruth, “My daughter, it’s time that I found a permanent home for you, so that you will be provided for. 2 Boaz is a close relative of ours, and he’s been very kind by letting you gather grain with his young women. Tonight he will be winnowing barley at the threshing floor. 3 Now do as I tell you—take a bath and put on perfume and dress in your nicest clothes. Then go to the threshing floor, but don’t let Boaz see you until he has finished eating and drinking. 4 Be sure to notice where he lies down; then go and uncover his feet and lie down there. He will tell you what to do.”
13 So Boaz took Ruth into his home, and she became his wife.

Right on, Stan !

 

[Johnnz]

Good criteria and qualities. Just hard to find in one guy.

John
NZ

 

[Inkachu]

I don't think "idealistic" is the appropriate adjective for your attitude; I'd call it "exacting". Wanting someone that you're compatible with spiritually, emotionally, physically, etc... is not unrealistic. But fine-tuning the details of who that person MUST be... IMO you're blocking yourself from finding who God has for you. Not because the right man won't match all those things that you want, but because you've made a shopping list of requirements, instead of trusting God to know who's best for you, and waiting patiently for him to come into your life. Instead of saying "I CANNOT be with a man who isn't at LEAST a 6 on a scale of 1 to 10"... what if God has someone that you might initially consider a 5 on that scale, but this man will be SO amazingly wonderful, that you won't even care or notice whether he's a 4 or a 5 or a 6 or a 7 (which is all ridiculousness, if you ask me)? Instead try praying "Lord, you know what I want, and you know what I need, and you know who will be the BEST match for me; lead me to him, and him to me, and help me to be open and obedient, even if he isn't what I expect."

 

[MLEN]

I too had a list of criteria before meeting my husband. Looking back over 10 years of marriage, I realize that he has the most important criteria of all - which is a heart to serve the Lord. Despite our differences, we are generally compatible in most areas. And although he does not fit everything that was on my "wish list", we fell in love and knew that the Lord had brought us together. I believe that standards are good and important. But ultimately, we must trust that whomever the Lord chooses for us will be the best in the end.