"Alone Time"

[Dak man]

I was dating this girl for about 9 months before she went to a different college. After about 4 months we realized we loved each other and had no problem saying it openly. Over this past semester, she wanted to see other people, even though she openly proffesed that she wanted to marry me.

So for the past three months we have still talked every day, and she still tells me she loves me. I think she was torn between me and 'experiencing college'. I knew what I wanted because I knew that I am not the kind of person that wants to go out there and have fast and relatively meaningless relationships. I went out on dates, and I know she dated someone for a time too. For me I could not go out after two or three dates with other girls, because I knew it wasn't fair to them for me to still be in love with someone. And I know she ran into the exact kind of person she would. The person she dated was dating many other people at the time, and even tried to go out with her roommate.

After all of this, she told me she loves me and that her biggest fear in life would be losing me. Next semester we are going to the same school, and now that she is on break we have been spending time together. I am happy when I am around her, and she tells me that I make her happier than anyone else can. But she says she doesn't want relationship now. I am just confused because about a week ago she wrote down lyrics to some love song and then said how to her it was me in the song and that she still loves me and that things would change from that day. And she tells me that she has been spoiled by a good guy (me), that most people have to look a long time for. So my base question is this: from a womans POV (cuz I know it's mostly women in this forum), do any of you think she is being sincere about this? Maybe it's just the way I am but when I am in love I don't want anything to seperate me from that person, but maybe women are different. Should I stay by her and wait? Or move on and forget about it?

 

[andiesmama]

Well...do you mind a response from an old married woman??

I think the first thing to do is to talk with her about your feelings....she seems to be sending you mixed signals. Communication is the K-E-Y in any good relationship...so you guys should sit down over coffee or something and you need to be open & honest with her about your feelings.

Feelings, meaning that I know you've professed your love for her, but I guess to let her know that you're confused about her true feelings for you. I'd tell her everything you mentioned in your post, about how she says she loves you but in the next breath doesn't want a relationship right now.

And if she doesn't want a relationship right now, well, that's fine but you shouldn't have to stand by & wait until she decides she wants one! You sound like a great guy and believe me, time flies by with alot of missed opportunities if all you do is wait around for somebody....talking first-hand experience, here!

Good luck & God Bless!

 

[Dak man]

I like advice from anyone, so thank you . And I am going to sit down with her and do exactly that before I leave to school a few days early to move in. But keep it coming if anyone else has stuff to say

 

[sculpturegirl]

I think that Andie's Mamma has some good advice for you. It is important for you to "experience college" and grow up a little before you consider marriage. Perhaps she is feeling torn as well? Perhaps she does have feelings for you, but really doesn't feel ready for a serious relationship. If she needs the space, give it to her. Take this time, then, to cultivate your relationship with Christ and grow in spiritual maturity. Enjoy college. This does not mean enjoy having a series of meaningless relationships and hook-ups, partying and drug experimentation. I enjoyed college tremendously without these things. Give yourself some time to grow and prepare yourself as a potential husband, so that when the time comes for you to have a serious relationship it can go somewhere.


God Bless you!

 

[Dak man]

I give her space, I do my best to never come across as over-bearing in any sense. The biggest puzzler for me is that she has constantly told me that she wishes I was at her school last semester, that she wants me there, and that she wants to hang out with me all the time when I do go there. And the other night when a girl I used to date 2 years ago called me while we were waiting in line for a movie, she became upset, but I don't understand why she would be upset if we are nothing more than friends. Even if she is the one that I marry, I would not want to actually go through the process and ceremony until late to post college. I think that I am pretty mature for my age, and I am constantly trying to expand my understanding of our faith. Thanks for the advice and keep it chiming it!

 

[sculpturegirl]

Dark man, you might very well be mature for your age, but as you said you don't want to be married until after college. I think that is very wise!! Once you have a job and are a little settled, that is a good time to begin a relationship. It is pure torture to find the one you want to be with and have to wait 4 or 5 years to be together! Yikes!

 

[Dak man]

Thank you . But any ideas on her? I know it's hard to conjecture from her POV, but from a womans perspective, what do you think is going through her head? I love that I can ask for honest and open advice here.

 

[Glorianna]

Communication with this girl and God is very important. Don't keep anything from either of them.

 

[Fatolia]

Well...do you mind a response from an old married woman??

OLD?!?!!?!??! I bet you are just in the stages of being really attractive to your man!

 

[Lizzi4Christ]

You've heard it before: communication. She needs to tell you how she's feeling. You really need to sit down and talk with her. We can all speculate about how she's feeling, but none of us know. You can only know by asking her.

 

[InTheFlame]

Dak man... I hate to say it, but it sounds like she's wanting to have her cake and eat it too. In other words, she wants to have fun and date, but to be sure she'll have you to come back to when she's finished with her 'fun'. She's probably not doing it deliberately, or being nasty, but I think she's doing the wrong thing anyway.

If you're interested in advice, here's mine - don't put up with being treated this way. It's disrespectful to you and your feelings for her. Have a gentle chat with her, let her know she's confusing you with mixed messages, and that you'd like to have NO contact for a month while she works out what she wants from the relationship. If she decides she wants to date you AND others, and you're OK with that, I'd say put a limit on the contact you have - eg. once a week is appropriate for that sort of relationship. If she wants more of you, then she needs to offer more of herself - such as her commitment.

It's not fair to have two different levels of commitment in a relationship. I know putting boundaries up will probably hurt YOU a lot, and may hurt her, but you need to guard your heart here. So far, she hasn't proven that she'll be a good custodian of a huge piece of your heart... so make she doesn't have that huge piece, so she can't break it... only a little bit that wouldn't hurt as much.

Does that make sense? Have a look at Boundaries in Dating... it's got some great information and tips on this sort of stuff. And the authors explain it better than I do.

 

[andiesmama]

OLD?!?!!?!??! I bet you are just in the stages of being really attractive to your man!

Thanks....hey, you're only as old as you feel...my 2 year old sure keeps me feeling young!!

Seems like just yesterday I was dealing with all the stuff I sometimes read about on here....and kind of jealous, you guys are just starting out on a wonderful journey....even tho I wouldn't trade where I am now for anything....sometimes it seems rough and never-ending, the things you have to deal with...but trust me, the things you all are going through right now just make it all that more precious when you finally are with Mr/Mrs Right forever!

So when things get tough, just pray about it and be sure to keep the lines of communication open...the end reward is worth all the things you're going through right now!

Your Sister in Christ,

 

[Dak man]

Dak man... I hate to say it, but it sounds like she's wanting to have her cake and eat it too. In other words, she wants to have fun and date, but to be sure she'll have you to come back to when she's finished with her 'fun'. She's probably not doing it deliberately, or being nasty, but I think she's doing the wrong thing anyway.

If you're interested in advice, here's mine - don't put up with being treated this way. It's disrespectful to you and your feelings for her. Have a gentle chat with her, let her know she's confusing you with mixed messages, and that you'd like to have NO contact for a month while she works out what she wants from the relationship. If she decides she wants to date you AND others, and you're OK with that, I'd say put a limit on the contact you have - eg. once a week is appropriate for that sort of relationship. If she wants more of you, then she needs to offer more of herself - such as her commitment/

And that is exactly how I felt when this whole confusing time with her started. I told her how I felt, but this was unfair to me. And I told her we could talk over the next break but until then she needed to figure out what she wanted. And to call me only if she really needed to talk to me. It was painful but I felt it was best for me, but it took her one week to call me. She broke it off with the person she was dating then and that was when she would tell me all the time how much she missed me all the time. She keeps on hinting she wants to be with me again, but not at the moment. But that just makes me wonder if she really wants that or is waiting for something 'better' to come along?

 

[Dak man]

You've heard it before: communication. She needs to tell you how she's feeling. You really need to sit down and talk with her. We can all speculate about how she's feeling, but none of us know. You can only know by asking her.

Yeah, tough things is she tells me she doesn't know. It's really hard for me to understand but I just have to pray and trust that she is telling me the truth.

 

[lunalinda]

She keeps on hinting she wants to be with me again, but not at the moment. But that just makes me wonder if she really wants that or is waiting for something 'better' to come along?

First of all, I agree with IntheFlame. I mean, I don't want to say she's playing games, but she certainly is stringing you along by using those lovey dovey words. My ex did the same thing. He'd deny he was playing games, but whatever. To me, that's games. Don't tolerate games. And don't tolerate being treated like that. Seriously...it'll eat at you from the inside out. It did so for me. Ate me up so much trying to analyze every little thought in his head. Why this and why that? Why can't we be together if we love each other? WHY ISN'T HE THINKING ABOUT MY BENEFIT JUST AS WELL AS HIS OWN?!?!??! God as my witness, it ATE at me. You want so badly to believe one thing, but all your mate does is inadvertently make you feel foolish for wanting to believe in that thing because he/she is too worried or focused on her own thing. You more and more find that you're not on his/her mind like you're supposed to be. Frustration begins to bud. The buds eventually bloom into anger. And before you know it, you'll find yourself attacking the person and bursts of anger. Oyyy...okay, maybe that's just me. But seriously...he strung me along for MONTHS after our breakup, and it didn't calm me down at all. It just made me more angry to hear about how much he loved me but yet, not how much he wanted to be with me NOW. God knows I hated it.

Ugh...sorry...this isn't about me, I know. I wish I can give a perfect female perspective, but I can't, because in my case, I was in YOUR shoes, while my ex was in hers. He'd hint he wants to be with me again, and that it could really work, blah blah BLAH, but then not "at the moment." And I'm sorry, THAT'S NOT FAIR! Wasn't fair to me and it CERTAINLY isn't fair to you. She's undermining your feelings on the matter, dragging you along by using those words of hers to keep you "hooked" to her, but not acting on them to make you feel like she's thinking about you more than herself. And if there's one thing I HATED when it came to my situation with my ex, it was being told one thing and being shown another. I'm sure he means what he says and feels like I'm the only woman in the world for him yada yada yada, but I'll believe it when I see it. Same thing with your ex. I'm sure she might means what she says, but until she starts acting on her words, then she's just playing around. My ex pulled that stuff on me for so LONG, that eventually, I no longer permitted him to express those feelings of his to me. I told him it wasn't fair to me at all. To let me be in love with him while hearing him continue to be in love with me and then NOT BE TOGETHER? Just because he wasn't ready when in the beginning, he was supposedly so ready? I just couldn't have that.

Seemingly enough...your ex and mine just don't know what they want, even if they THINK they know what they want. She seems to be in the transition phase (like my ex). She's got other important priorities or whatever that she wants to set straight, which is perfectly fine, but she's intending to keep you "on hold" until she gets through her mess. My ex? Same thing. I was put on the back burner....the "to be continued" section, and he THOUGHT I would stay there without much fuss by expressions of love or whatever towards me. But NOPE. My ex can see himself with me, but not now. She can see herself with you, but not now. Ugh, that just oozes selfishness. The one difference I'm seeing with our exes, though, is this: she wanted to see other people, and my ex did not. What replaced me in his life was activities or other events. He still wanted to entertain his adolescence while trying to find a good job, finding a place to live, etc. Other than that, he would tell me exactly what she tells you. "Oh I want to be with you, oh I miss you, Oh how I still love you" BLAH BLAH BLAH!!

*sigh* okay...very sorry. I'm getting way too uh...feisty. But I'll calm myself now and say that I also agree with everyone who says you need to talk to her. The only downside (or so I discovered) is being the only one doing the talking. So do be sure to get HER to talk to you too. If you find yourself being the only one expressing stuff, but then she isn't, that's not good either. I talked to my ex about how I felt about what he was putting me through, and for the most part, it didn't really help. He still would be focused on himself, and I eventually just said enough's enough. No matter the matter, it does seem like giving each other space would be the best bet. Let her get her priorities in order, but don't let her think it's okay to string you along like a rag doll.

Forgive the ramble/rant! But I just totally related to how you're feeling, so uh...I tend to spurt.

 

[Dak man]

My lord I feel so bad for you, because those are the same thoughts that go through my head every day. We talked a month ago about this, and that is when she said another things that won't get outta my head, '....My biggest fear in my life right now, is losing you forever..." But it's just like she fluctuates with what she says and does......I'll stop. (rants can be contagious!)

 

[lunalinda]

My lord I feel so bad for you, because those are the same thoughts that go through my head every day. We talked a month ago about this, and that is when she said another things that won't get outta my head, '....My biggest fear in my life right now, is losing you forever..." But it's just like she fluctuates with what she says and does......I'll stop. (rants can be contagious!)

haha yes, rants are contagious, especially rants based on love. *cringes* Sorry about that! I won't rant this time. I promise. But I will say this. That quote that she says there? The losing you forever? Well, it's still just words. Hehe...man, my ex? He said the same thing!! lol. Well, something very close anyway. "I never want to let you go." Hmm...and yet, let go I practically was. In some sense. It's like I'm hanging off a cliff and he's clinging to my hand. He'd keep a strong grip on me, declaring that he's not letting me go, but does he even try to pull me up either? Nope. He thinks not letting go is enough to purge my fear of falling to my death. But I'm still just dangling helplessly, and I can only put so much faith in his words, ya know? So if losing you is her biggest fear in life, then she wouldn't (in my opinion), be seemingly so "comfortable" with not having you right now. She would pull you up from the cliff's edge. THAT'S not letting you go. To not even allow an opportunity for you to be ALMOST let go of. I mean, that's what *I* think anyway. It's all still just my opinion.

See! This isn't so long!

 

[Lizzi4Christ]

And that is exactly how I felt when this whole confusing time with her started. I told her how I felt, but this was unfair to me. And I told her we could talk over the next break but until then she needed to figure out what she wanted. And to call me only if she really needed to talk to me. It was painful but I felt it was best for me, but it took her one week to call me. She broke it off with the person she was dating then and that was when she would tell me all the time how much she missed me all the time. She keeps on hinting she wants to be with me again, but not at the moment. But that just makes me wonder if she really wants that or is waiting for something 'better' to come along?

If she doesn't know why she doesn't want to be with you, then she has to figure it out. Although it may be painful for you, I suggest you step back away from her until she does. Don't have contact with her at all. She needs to figure out her own feelings and you may be a distraction.

It isn't fair for her to be doing this to you.

I was in your shoes. I dated a guy during the summer and he broke it off. Throughout the summer we hung out and he would really hint that he still liked me. Finally I confronted him telling him that he was sending mixed signals. He gave me the reasons. And I respected and understood it. It was out in the open. And that's what it needs to be for you too. Just saying that she doesn't want to be in a relationship, but saying she likes you and misses you is wrong and unfair.

Maybe the best thing would be to just step away from her so she can figure things out.

 

[luvsGod19]

Dak,

Let me tell you from a womens perspective...if she truly loved you than she wouldn't want to be with someone else..and although your being an amazingly understanding guy about this...I don't think you should let her take advantage of the fact that you are so understanding. I'm not saying she doesn't care about you, but I am saying that I would never think twice about being with the person I loved. I think that she needs to get her priority's straight first before she gets involved in any serious relationship. You just ask God to show her what needs to be done and for Him to show you if its even part of His plan for you to be invovled in a relationship with her. Pray for your wife...ask God specifically what you want in your spouse...I did it and God was completely faithful in giving me the right person.

 

[Dak man]

I will take all of the adive yall have given into consideration. Thank you for all of the wonderful advice and next time I update this thread it will be after I have the 'serious' talk with her. We hung out again tonight and again, she acts like nothing has changed....