Alleged impossibility

[grandvizier1006]

I'm trying to develop social skills. I'm not completely inept and my AS is mild--for example, I can look people in the eye and I'm starting to sort of "get" social inhibitors--but I want to do more.

It's frustrating, knowing that despite all of my supposed intelligence and intellect and potential, I can't learn things that are supposed to be really simple. I'd just like to be able to understand people's non-verbal expressions and such, at least at a simplistic level so that I can be social when I need to be.

I keep hearing from other Aspies that it's impossible, that if you adopt a guise of social norms it just doesn't work, and you're forced to become someone you're not. That you lose your precious "identity", and if it weren't for the evil neurotypical society you could just be yourself.

Frankly, I've been myself, my old sinful self. It didn't work. I was cynical, I was a bigot, and I was a jerk to everyone, and very anti-social. And I humiliated myself in the past by just telling these horrible jokes and drawing way too much attention to myself. I got a lot of acquaintances, but few friends, and they didn't really like me so much as they tolerated me as an eccentric person. And internally, I was very bitter at the world.

God brought me out of this mindset, and now I want to change and show people that I'm not the person I used to be. But that was in high school, and I'll be going to college soon. I'm taking classes online right now and I rarely get a chance to leave home, but next year things will change.

I don't want to live my life selfishly, claiming that other people should just "give me the right" to be rude to them like I used to be. I don't want people to see me as super-special when in reality I'm just like them. Sometimes we Aspies get so damn selfish and self-centered. At least, that's how I was.

But now I'm not like that anymore, and I want to show people that. I want to learn all of that stuff that I was "supposed" to, not to "cure" myself but just so that I can have a life with friends and associates and a decently-sized social group of people I can deal with.

There's this idea now that Aspies my age are all supposed to just sit around at home and live with their parents and do Let's Plays or gush about My Little Pony or Pokémon. I can't be one of those people. I can't be this selfish, stupid burden on my family (they're all NTs except my twin brother, who takes this sort of stuff differently).

People are always whining about how you shouldn't pretend to be something you're not and all of that stupid acceptance crap. Well, maybe there's some truth to that. But my old self was not acceptable. I need to learn social skills so that I can change, and when the time comes I'll be doing my best to practice on my own. Neurodiversity just sounds like complete [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. Just another made up word we Aspies used to make ourselves a separate species, like Neurotypical. Just a coping word we used to make ourselves feel better about our deficiencies.

Well, I'm tired of being a separate species. I'd like to be a regular human being, and sometimes the Christian life requires breaking out of my Asperger's instincts.

It just makes me angry, knowing that all of these other Aspies just seem to be telling me to give up. I can barely tolerate the fact that they have given up and just surrendered to their condition. There's a difference between acceptance and surrender, and I'm trying to accept my condition without surrendering, but it's hard sometimes when I know that it's the thing that has shaped my life experiences.

And I just hate that I could help tons of people, but I can never help myself. And I have no idea what God wants me to do. The Bible has nothing to say on this topic that I know of.

I'll admit I'm a perfectionist, and in recent social situations I would scrutinize myself afterwards and think, "Did I do everything right?" I'd say that I did pretty well, but I would think about what I needed to improve on a lot. I just want the opportunities to keep working at it, but apparently if I do, allegedly, I'll just warp myself into some sort of machine that's "programmed" to be "normal".

Is it wrong for me to want to change what is wrong with myself? Is it wrong for me to try and accept the fact that I am sometimes a jerk, and learning social skills would help me live a Christ-like life?

I'm doing this for Christ's sake and the sake of others, not to "be normal". I'm not that abnormal, anyway.

But even the Christian Aspies on here seem to think learning social skills is a bad idea. I thought nothing was supposed to be impossible with God! But now something is?

It's frustrating because I have no idea what to do or who to listen to. I keep getting conflicted messages from everyone I run into, saying I should either try or just not try and blah blah blah.

I've heard people say that being yourself is good, and then I've heard others say it's bad. I've heard some people say that it's good to try and get some social skills and that it's not that hard, I've heard people say it's impossible and that it ruins your life because you're stuck acting forever, and I'm sick and tired of conflicting messages. I've heard some people preach about how people just need to understand autistic people and tolerate them, and others say how they shouldn't expect others to change, and everything from cures to neurodiversity to these obnoxious tinges of liberalism and atheism in the autistic community. I'm a Christian, [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse], not a whining ball of pity and nerdiness!

I'm sorry I've been ranting.

Is it a bad idea for me to attempt to learn just a few social skills? Could it be what God is calling me to do (sometimes I feel like it is)? Does the Bible have ANYTHING that could help me in it? Any verses of significance to my problem?

Praying sometimes just doesn't seem to work. I try and pray as much as I can, and I know I get answers sometimes, but I've been having to pray for the same things over and over. "God, help me to stop obsessing over my Asperger's. God, help me to learn social skills and be the person you need me to be." But I have no idea what He wants me to do.

I guess I just want to prove to God and everyone that I can do these things. I want to prove to people that people with Asperger's are no different than others, and we can learn social skills if we lack them. It just doesn't come naturally to us, that's all.

I know that God loves me the way I am, and that I'm saved no matter what now that I've accepted Him, but don't I need to change a bit to reflect the fact that the Holy Spirit is in my soul?

Basically, what should I do?

 

[grandvizier1006]

Ok, I have had some time to think on this. I'm sorry I was so upset and hysterical before. First impressions mean so much, and of course I go and mess up mine

But I really would like some advice on the matter. If I don't get any then I'll just go elsewhere and maybe try and get rid of this thread.

I guess all I can do is try to live a blameless, upright life like the Bible says, and just change what I can and accept my limitations.

 

[Odetta]

I'm NT, but I'm responding because you were very helpful on my thread about my son.

I personally think that we - NT, ASD, whatever - are all created by God with certain things that are unique to us, with plenty of room for other skills to acquire. There are certain things in my life where I do not have a natural skill set for but I have to push myself to learn to do anyway. Things I just have to work harder at that someone else.

At the same time, I can get irritated when I'm told that my natural inclination is lacking and value judgement is passed on that lack. I think there is a difference between seeking to improve oneself, and going into uncomfortable contortions and losing oneself in the process to make someone else happy.

I encourage you that if you want to learn social skills because you think it would benefit you, then you should pursue that. Do I have any idea on how to do that? Well in regards to my son, I picked up a book on Social Stories I'm hoping will help, but that's just one specific thing. I'm still trying to figure out how to help my son in this area myself. So sorry I don't really have anything practical add. I just wanted to encourage you.

 

[grandvizier1006]

Thank you. Another problem I seem to have is misunderstanding. Basically, I ranted about this somewhere else, and in the process, I thought that someone who was giving their own story (another person with Asperger's who talked about how they tried to "pretend to be normal" and it messed them up) was sort of implicitly discouraging me from trying to learn any sort of social skills. So I got angry, not at them but at what they were saying, accusing any ASD person that felt learning social skills was a "waste of time" as being a quitter.

I didn't realize that 1) the person wasn't directly talking to me or trying to discourage me and 2) other people with AS have different experiences than I do. I either couldn't see outside of my own worldview to consider why the person said what they did, or my brain just sort of "filtered" what they said to misinterpret it. It was so embarrassing once I realized what my mistake was.

I'd like it if you could maybe pray that I'd be able to avoid misunderstandings in communication. It's not so much that I interpret things too literally (a common AS trait) but that when someone says something to me, I misidentify what their motive for saying what they did to me was (which, as far as I know, is just sort of something I specifically do). I just feel like this issue would make social interaction even tougher, especially now that I've realized it.

 

[keith99]

Ok, I have had some time to think on this. I'm sorry I was so upset and hysterical before. First impressions mean so much, and of course I go and mess up mine

But I really would like some advice on the matter. If I don't get any then I'll just go elsewhere and maybe try and get rid of this thread.

I guess all I can do is try to live a blameless, upright life like the Bible says, and just change what I can and accept my limitations.

Perhaps your 'rant' will make a bad impression on some. It did not for me. Quite the opposite. You intend to try. I'm inclined to think you will make significant progress. You may never 'win' in the sense of things that come naturally to others ever coming naturally to you, but you should be able ot radically expand you horizons.

I have one suggestion. That that first post and add one thing. Add how other can help you and also what actions on their part might seem kind and are instead really standing in your way because it allows you to get away with things yuor own best self does not want to get away with.

Perhaps 2 or 3 passes on that, try to figure out how others can point out when you fall short of your goals in a way helpful to you.

Keith

 

[Sabertooth]

NT is another language. AS is our first, so it will always be counterintuitive. It can be thought of as NTSL* to us. We can be bilingual without losing our identity. We will probably never lose our accent, though.

For the subject of perfectionism, see my blog post Perfectly Mistaken...

*Analogous to ESL.

 

[grandvizier1006]

So, just what I would want other people to do to help me? I guess there are some stuff I can think of.

 

[grandvizier1006]

(That last one was in reply to Keith. Here's one for Sabertooth):

You're probably right, but sometimes I feel like I have this rudimentary understanding of NTSL. Like how I took Latin classes in high school (kind of liked it, actually, made me feel smart) and now I can remember some basic words and can vaguely interpret something, but I'm not sure if I can do it correctly.

I'll admit, you were one of the ones that made me mad. I just sort of took what you said in one of the other threads (you said something about how learning to "act normal" didn't do you much good) and took it out of context. I misunderstood you (like I said, I do that a lot and it's just shameful), thinking that you were being stubborn and refusing to try and improve yourself and were willing to accept being an anti-social, rude nerd, and that other people had just better not get offended.

But then I realized that the anti-social rude person that might have been a nerd was ME, or at least that's what I used to be. I was thinking that everyone with my condition that said learning how to be an NT wasn't worth it was just trying to justify their own bad behavior. I felt like I was right and they were wrong, and I didn't realize that they had their own opinions.

It just has to do with that theory of mind stuff. I couldn't even consider the viewpoints and life experiences of my fellow Aspies, and I took other people's words as trying to discourage me. But no one directly told me personally not to try and improve myself. They just said that they had tried something and it had made things worse. What I want to attempt is different, and I don't consider it "pretending to be normal".

I'm just having a very difficult time accepting that I have Asperger's, and that I have limitations with names that other people can point out. I don't want it to be my entire identity. I used to not feel that way, but now I do due to life circumstances. I was diagnosed years ago, but it's only been in the past few months that I've really felt awful about it.

I want to just move on and accept it, but it's hard. I don't even know how much of it defines me. If Aspie are all perfectionists, then that's just another personality trait I have that's just part of a condition. I want to be a person first, not an Aspie first. I'm tired of feeling like an alien.

I also have OCPD. It's like OCD but my compulsive behaviors and obsessive thoughts get justified in my mind instead of seeming unhealthy. What happens is that with nothing to do, I obsess over the fact that I have Asperger's and that I have so much room for improvement. And then I get miserable, thinking about how much I "need" to do. And then I try praying to God to stop feeling so miserable, and the cycle repeats as I linger on and on.

I used to not have this problem, but it started once I really gave my life to Christ not too long ago, even though I was technically raised Christian my whole life. It's like there's a devil inside of me, trying to tell me how defective and worthless I am, and God isn't listening, or He's taking His time to heal me very slowly.



Your blog post was helpful, but tbh I teared up reading it. I'm trying to forge an identity for myself, I guess, since I'm young and don't really know what I'm going to be doing with my life. I don't want to be remembered as just "that guy who has Asperger's" by everyone else, and I'm just scared that everything about me--everything I do and my entire personality and being--is based off of my condition.

Do you think having AS affects your personality? I've been trying to tell myself it doesn't, but was I lying to myself? I mean, are ALL of my traits connected to my condition? I don't want it to be. I want to be unique, but also human. I don't want to see the world as just Aspie vs. Neurotypical, and I don't want to have to look at ever person and give them a label based on how their brain is wired. But I've been giving myself a label.

I thought I was supposed to break free of my label once I came to Christ, and in my case my condition is sticking to me like a label. I don't want to be cured of it because I know that's impossible, but I just don't want it to define who I am. And by learning social skills I can show people that it DOESN'T define me. I mean, Aspies aren't RADICALLY different from other people are they? No one is really able to tell me.

Do you have any further advice? Should I just try and put social skill learning as a secondary priority (I'm not giving up at making friends and social situations, that's for sure!) ? How do I find out what God wants me to do?

And most importantly, how do I stop waking up every morning and thinking, "I have Asperger's"? Everything I think and say and do just seems to come back to a few brain wirings.

 

[grandvizier1006]

Sorry I've been dumping all this on you all, BTW. Just pray for me when you can. I'm trying my best not to live like this, like I'm just a label. I just have to keep telling myself that I'm more than a label and learn from my mistakes instead of lamenting over them.

Maybe that was why all of this happened and I made this thread. God was trying to show me that my most important problem wasn't social skills, or even miscommunications it was how I dealt with failure and mistakes in general. I just need to keep praying that God will give me the strength to change what I can and accept what I can't.

 

[Sabertooth]

I don't see it much more differently than if I were born left-handed (in a right-handed world). It is a pronounced FEATURE, sure, but it doesn't define me. We ARE black sheep, but sheep nonetheless.

Claiming to be in tune with a different culture isn't a defense of "being rude." That perceived rudeness is more a result of a culture clash.

I remember reading about POTUS Richard M. Nixon visiting a foreign nation. While there, he kept flashing the [American] "peace" sign. He didn't find out, until later, that it was their gesture for flipping somebody off...!

If that were Aspies in an NT world, God would know our heart's intention (and not count it as guilt against us). But, as peacemakers, God expects us to make amends whenever we realize that it caused a problem.

Do you know why we must not ask a woman her age...? I don't, but since a since a significant number of NT women take offense at such, the risk of offending isn't worth the triviality of the information requested.

Does recognizing that deprive us of our Aspie identity? No. It is just being considerate and bilingual, at the same time.

Have we offended God when we asked in innocence and ignorance? No. We have just learned another convention in NT communication.

Miscommunication has been the norm (on Earth) since the Tower of Babel. No condo, no bondo!

 

[Sabertooth]

Boiling down ideas from my earlier post, none of these things define who we are before God. Almost everything contributes to our identity within human society, however:

• Neuro-status
• Gender
• Age
• Height & weight
• Handedness
• Athleticism/disability
• Social class
• Intelligence
• Perceived beauty/charisma
• Introversion/extroversion
• Ethnicity, etc.

 

[grandvizier1006]

You got married and had children (and I presume some form of successful social life as well?) while I really appreciate your witty encouragement, I just have to clarify that as a younger person who's uncertain about so many things I just can't have your levels of confidence yet.

The Aspies of my generation, as I said before, are...well, technology has made it worse! On the one hand, it gives us an opportunity to communicate with people far away and not feel lonely, but it's being used as a substitute for face-to-face interaction. I can't tell you how many times I've wished that I could meet (some) of the people I meet online in real life and get to know them (assuming we would be in some safe environment where no one could mug each other or something if we all turned out to be lying about our identities).

Another thing is that for me, having Asperger's HAS made me rude. It's not supposed to, I know, but so many times I would sort of take advantage of my inability to have social inhibitors to basically make rude and cynical jokes about anything, be it my "friends", something political, or just something that would make me humiliate myself. I just don't want to be a part of that offensive "culture" ever again. I guess it wasn't an autism spectrum "culture" at all, but I'm just worried that when I step back into the social scene I'm going to act the way I used to, and everything will just start all over again.

I'm willing accept having Asperger's as long as it means that I won't be the sinful person that I used to be (and I feel like my AS, while not the direct cause of my bad behavior, DID make me bitter and mean-spirited too much), and I won't have to worry about never having any friends or girlfriends or getting a job or living alone.

All I want is to have a bright future and to figure out what it is that God needs me to do. And I want to be able to do it as a PERSON who just so HAPPENS TO HAVE Asperger's, rather than as someone who has to take it into account every day and every waking moment of his life.

And I think you misunderstood me (ironically) when I said that I was repeatedly praying to God about stuff. I've only recently become aware of communication issues. What I was obsessing over and praying to God about were all of these negative thoughts, thoughts like "I have AS and so I have a lot of nearly-impossible work to do," or "I have AS and so my brain is defective", etc.

And today I learned through this experience that my negative thoughts stem from me obsessing over every failure. I go into a social situation, outwardly I do fine, but in my head I'm constantly scrutinizing to make sure I did everything "right". What I keep forgetting is that in truth, I'm not THAT bad with social skills; there are just a few minor things I could improve on, and I have some people that would love to help me with that like my family and some books

Continuing with the language analogy, I just want to be able to learn the basics of NT social stuff. I already know a number of things instinctually and I feel like I'm learning quickly, like I'm paying attention to body language more, I'm more conscious of my own body language, I'm able to sort of "get" what a number of facial expressions mean, etc. I just want to be able to learn all of this so that I can live a fulfilling, happy life for Christ. If I just learn enough to do what I want to do, then I'll be all right, and the "language" will be second nature, I'll bet

My problem is that I'm overdoing it. I'm worried that if I mess something up, I've failed forever, which obviously isn't true. Another thing is that I'm not going to be able to start interacting with people extensively until next year; my isolation and loneliness has compounded my negative thoughts, as you can imagine.

I mean, do you think it's a reasonable idea for me to try and learn some things and improve my sociability? I ask because I guess I just need some advice from someone who's gone through it before. As long as I don't get upset about it or discouraged I think I'll be fine, just by learning a few things.

But anyway, thanks for picking me back up This is just sort of a tough time in my life right now since I'm trying to answer all of those typical young person "Who am I?" "Who do I want to be?" questions.

 

[Sabertooth]

You got married and had children (and I presume some form of successful social life as well?) while I really appreciate your witty encouragement, I just have to clarify that as a younger person who's uncertain about so many things I just can't have your levels of confidence yet.

As a born-again teen, church youth groups were my only social scene. I was totally clueless in romantic pursuits, misreading cues in both ways; not recognizing when someone was truly interested in me and mistaking non-interest for interest. All active courting efforts were wipeouts, even if someone showed initial interest.

In my twenties, I gave up all active pursuits of romantic relationships, seeking just to be edifying in all of my relationships. (I had been fairly successful in a small number of same-sex friendships via some of my hobbies.)

I met my wife in a small group of people at church. After some time in a group setting, I started visiting her at her house. We started getting closer and she agreed to marry me. (We never went on a just-the-two-of-us date, until after we were married.) I think that kind of dating is a poor choice for Aspies. It is better to just show up at church every time the doors are open, in earnest. If God delays on bringing you a wife, He will use that time to prepare YOU to be a suitable HUSBAND...! God likes marriage and it is His plan for most people. (The gift of celibacy is a whole other topic.)

My wife found my prelapsarian demeanor to be attractive. (Since she became depressed, she has found it less so and we always seem on the verge of divorce. ) I am still no Don Juan. If she ever does leave, I think that I will hold out for a Christian Aspie...

Between her depression and caring for our severely autistic daughter, I am pretty much homebound (even from church).

The Aspies of my generation, as I said before, are...well, technology has made it worse! On the one hand, it gives us an opportunity to communicate with people far away and not feel lonely, but it's being used as a substitute for face-to-face interaction.

If used advantageously, the electronic community serves well as a social training ground. (In programming, we call that a sandbox.)

I can't tell you how many times I've wished that I could meet (some) of the people I meet online in real life and get to know them (assuming we would be in some safe environment where no one could mug each other or something if we all turned out to be lying about our identities).

Go to face-to-face events, particularly Christian ones. And when you go to nerd events, wear blatant Christian paraphernalia. (That can connect you with other Christian nerds. ) Don't hunt for a wife. Just be edifying to everyone you meet.

Another thing is that for me, having Asperger's HAS made me rude. It's not supposed to, I know, but so many times I would sort of take advantage of my inability to have social inhibitors to basically make rude and cynical jokes about anything, be it my "friends", something political, or just something that would make me humiliate myself. I just don't want to be a part of that offensive "culture" ever again. I guess it wasn't an autism spectrum "culture" at all, but I'm just worried that when I step back into the social scene I'm going to act the way I used to, and everything will just start all over again.

I'm willing accept having Asperger's as long as it means that I won't be the sinful person that I used to be (and I feel like my AS, while not the direct cause of my bad behavior, DID make me bitter and mean-spirited too much), and I won't have to worry about never having any friends or girlfriends or getting a job or living alone.

Sin makes everyone rude. Aspies just wear it differently than NTs. The Answer is the same for all of us. After getting saved, start doing what you read in your Bible, such as the character teachings in the New Testament and Proverbs. Don't impose it on other people, but if God says "Do this," or "Be this," go for it. It goes against the grain [Aspie OR NT], but there is grace available for that pursuit. (That is not conforming to society's expectations. It is seeking God's. I believe that God wants to retain some of your AS features.) [Note: God tells us not to love the world and its ways. As Aspies, we have a head start in that regard.]

I mean, do you think it's a reasonable idea for me to try and learn some things and improve my sociability? I ask because I guess I just need some advice from someone who's gone through it before. As long as I don't get upset about it or discouraged I think I'll be fine, just by learning a few things.

Reading on the subject can't hurt, but you will be far better off if you deliberately insert yourself in the "rock tumbler"* of face-to-face social events as often as practical. Even if you are not good at starting a conversation [I'm not], you still will likely be pulled into them.

*Rock tumblers smoothen each stones' rough edges by causing them to rub against each other.

 

[grandvizier1006]

I'm amazed that you found a wife. It really gives me hope that maybe I could, too. There was always this nagging at the back of my mind in high school, like, "Why aren't you dating girls like everyone else?" I was just too busy with school work then and didn't get how it worked. And of course Hollywood sort of convinced me that it was just "normal" for people my age to be hedonists.

I'm sorry about your wife's depression. I hope she gets through that, but if you're worried about divorce or just that your marriage is stagnating, just try and be there for her. I went through a depression recently, and many times I feel like I'm "going back in". What you need to do is be there for her. Ask her what you can do to help, and try and brainstorm some stuff that you know would make her happy. Let her vent her emotional frustrations on you if she needs to, and if she is upset about something that she really shouldn't be, try and help her rationalize it. Walk through what is making her upset and explain what she can do to treat or prevent this feeling. If you're not sure what she's depressed about, then try just asking if she'd like a hug or something, and be patient with her if she isn't as productive as she would normally be around the house or just with general activities. (I know you might think it's not my place to give advice on depression considering I've never had a girlfriend I had to console, or anyone in general for that matter, but I figured I'd give it a shot).

And you make a good point about the Bible and God's ways. I'll admit I've always had this issue where I felt like I HAD to have rules to obey, concrete things. Sometimes God just says, "Do what you know is right. Don't fret over it", and I think, "But I have to! I need a list! Where is my list of rules?!!? I NEED A HANDBOOK!!!"

The few times lately where I have had opportunities to interact, I've just tried my best, and I've found that I was received positively. So I think I'll be able to do this, just getting into conversations and such.

Thanks for the advice. I guess what I really want to do with learning social stuff is just to make myself more respectable. Like I want to use blatant honesty when it is needed to help a friend (as opposed to doing something like saying to an obese person "you need to lose weight!" although I've never actually said that) and give insight about a topic (rather than going on and on about something trivial). Just a few conversational stuff, like speaking articulately, observing and understanding NT methods of communication, learning how to make a bit of small talk and understanding what it means, etc.

I heard from someone else (not on here) that they had to train themselves to mimic facial expressions and stop themselves from stimming. As you can imagine, it was tough for them and didn't help with their problems. I wouldn't have to do that since I already make facial expressions and have some tone to my voice. All I'd like to do is just have regular conversations and not do anything that would make people think I'm "just weird" in a negative way.

I already provide enough social input, I just don't really pick up on that of others, and I feel that if I did I could manage a social situation.

But, it's not a big deal. Sometimes I have this tendency to let my emotions hijack my normally-logical brain, and then I exaggerate things (that's just a me thing). It's good for me to be cautious, I think, just not upset or overwhelmed. I think the idea was that I would read all of these books giving advice as to what I can do for social situations and would think, "This is too much to remember!" and sort of never expected that it would become second nature. But you know what? It just might be becoming that way

Also, I like your little asterisks with the stuff you talk about like the rock tumblers and the economic laws and such. And I noticed you used prelapsarian! (I'm just going to be remembered around here for introducing that word, huh?)

So yeah, thank you so much for understanding and putting up with my frustration. Sorry that I bad-mouthed neurodiversity. I thought back afterwards to how I had once been taught in school that yes, Christians could celebrate diversity (to a certain degree), and I was thinking about how even though I never really considered myself to be one of those people subject to those things, so many people were willing to appreciate my unique brain. Neurodiversity is ok

 

[Sabertooth]

THIS has become our anthem for when God seems to be taking His time with us.

 

[grandvizier1006]

I love how he took his time with the song to further drive in the point. If he had just gotten in there it wouldn't have had the effect it did. And for some reason, getting the crowd to hum in that manner was pleasant Like the sound just seemed to reflect this instinctual sense of inner peace

I've had that sense of impatience a lot lately, but I think that just has to do with my late-term adolescence.

 

[keith99]

So, just what I would want other people to do to help me? I guess there are some stuff I can think of.

Yup,

The Jerks of the world will throw you on the trash heap. But what of the kinder people. The vast majority know little of your situation, do not know how to help at all. Many will show some empathy and forbear your social missteps. A lot of the good people may misread the cause and think yuo are just being a jerk.

That they know you have a problem helps, but does not help enough. It will except in very rare cares at best just increase the forbearance, just make it a bit longer before they get fed up with your false steps. And yuo won't make much progress.

Telling them to correct you is a good step. figuring out a way to say it so that you are reminded each time that they are trying to help and are doing as you asked is almost as important. I know I'd get tired of constantly being corrected. I see no reason you should be immune. One that comes to mind is them using the words Faux Pas. It is French, literally meaning 'false step'. It refers to a social screwup. To me in the context of your situation it comes off as helpful and would remind me when saying it to yuo that it truly was a false step on yuor part, absolutely against yuor intent.

Faux pas - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

That is a phrase that would work for me. Your challenge is finding phrases or broader ways of others pointing things out that work for you.

Keith

 

[grandvizier1006]

Thanks, Keith. I'm not in many situations where I can put that advice to good use, unfortunately, but there will come a time when I am, and then I will DEFINITELY be saying that to people when I can trust them. But for various reasons that are difficult to explain, I can't be direct about it with most people in my life right now.

 

[S.O.J.I.A.]

there is nothing, including AS, that gives anyone a license to be a jerk. however, I wouldn't say that everyone who has and lives with AS is a jerk. they're just not as socially fluent as others. it seems like you were really just a jerk in high school and used AS to justify poor behavior.

if you want to be more socially palatable and are willing to put in the work to make that happen, there's no reason why you can't achieve it.

all the best to your efforts.

 

[hedrick]

I keep hearing from other Aspies that it's impossible, that if you adopt a guise of social norms it just doesn't work, and you're forced to become someone you're not. That you lose your precious "identity", and if it weren't for the evil neurotypical society you could just be yourself.

I'm an IT manager, an area where you'll find more Aspies than usual. And I teach Sunday School in what might as well be the Church of Christ, Aspie, we have so many kids on the spectrum. (I have some Aspie characteristics, but probably wouldn't be diagnosed.)

My observation is that you need to quality the quoted statement. The Aspies I know function just fine in jobs and society. In many cases someone who knows what to look for will see that they're different, to varying degrees.

Whether what you want is possible or not depends upon specifically what you want. Do you want to deal with others well enough that you can function, and pick up on most of what people say and do? Or do you want to be identical the some stereotypical NT? The first is possible. I know lots of people who do it. The second is the thing that is hard, depending upon the details of your particular situation.