Alcoholism is destroying my marriage

[EzekielsWheels]

I pray your husband gets back on track and that he is honest with you.

 

[Mountainmanbob]

I think my husband is secretly drinking again. I grew up in an alcoholic home, so I can recognize the signs. We have been married twelve years. This issue has almost ended our marriage twice. A few years ago things got so bad I moved out for a few months. He got sober, started a 12-step program and drew closer to God in my absence. I moved back and things were ok for about a year.

This is not my first marriage. I feel deep shame about my two failed marriages, which is one of the reasons I have stayed this long. I know God doesn't approve of divorce. I also know alcoholism is an illness. What bothers me the most is the lying--his sneaking around and hiding things from me. (The other day he said he was running a quick errand and was gone over two hours).

When he goes somewhere I feel so much anxiety, because I worry he is off drinking and driving. He has already gotten one DUI when he got into an accident. I was in the car because I didn't realize he had been drinking. My head hit the windshield but fortunately my seatbelt stopped me from ejecting the vehicle. I was treated for whiplash injuries at the hospital and released. He was arrested. A few days later I moved out.

My other concern is my dependence on him. I quit my job three years and a half years ago to care for my elderly father, who has dementia and lives with us. We all recently moved to a new state. My husband started a new job and we've just finished moving into our house. When we arrived here my husband told me he didn't want to go to AA any longer. He said he was fine and didn't want to drink. But I have seen old behaviors return. He seemed more like a dry drunk.

I have prayed about this consistently, not only for myself but mostly for my husband. I read the Word and attend two Bible studies. I'm trying to get involved in our new church. Recently I began attending Alanon meetings. They teach us not to let the alcoholic's behavior affect us, but I'm finding this nearly responsible. He's in my house! His behavior overshadows everything. I feel so much anxiety.

Sometimes I think God is teaching me a lesson by having me live with an active alcoholic who doesn't treat me very well. Years ago I left two men who did treat me well. I was selfish and stupid. So is this my penance?

I am lost. I don't want to do anything against God's will. I know we should be prepared to suffer as Christ did. But I don't feel prepared to handle this. There are days when I just want to go be with Jesus. What stops me is my love for the Lord. I a,so don't want to do that to my father and my husband.

I would appreciate advice from my brothers and sisters in Christ.

Same old story here.
DUI with crash
Drunk driving school
AA and church stayed sober
Drank again
Many more troubles
Back to AA
With church
Sober 12 years

Recommend
Church
Accountability Church brother
and AA attendance

M-Bob

 

[rejoiceinfaith]

Same old story here.
DUI with crash
Drunk driving school
AA and church stayed sober
Drank again
Many more troubles
Back to AA
With church
Sober 12 years

Recommend
Church
Accountability Church brother
and AA attendance

M-Bob

Thanks to all of you who replied to my message. I spoke with my husband and he has agreed to meet with our pastor next week.

He also spoke with a man in our Sunday school class who asked him to call him. I think this man may have been through some things in his past and wants to help my husband. Initially I was optimistic because my husband told me about the encounter. However, it has been over a weeek and he hasn't called the guy. When I asked him about it the other night, he got very defensive. We ended up having an argument. He apologized but I felt disheartened by the whole thing.

I'm going to wait and see if he actually meets with the pastor as he's scheduled to do on Tuesday. I am not going to ask him about it. If he doesn't bring it up, then I'll know the meeting never took place. I know God is with me through all of this. I'm taking it one step at a time.

 

[Mountainmanbob]

Thank God you guys attend a church together that is a big important thing to do.

I forgot to mention back when I was running crazy and drinking my wife set us up with some counseling sessions at one of the local churches. She was pretty tired of my actions while drinking. So I told her that I would go to the counseling but, I ended up crashing a motorhome before the session and was in serious trouble. Eventually we did attend those counseling sessions and they were very helpful helping to keep me and get me back on the road to sobriety.

As I'm sure you know besides the AA program there are also a few christian-based recovery programs.

Celebrate Recovery
The Overcomers Group

Those two are 12 step but, with a Christ-centered program.

M-Bob

 

[rejoiceinfaith]

My husband and I attended secular counseling in the past. He did not want to go and wasn't thrilled about it. He said the counselor and I were "ganging up" on him. We went for a few months but it didn't help much.

Part of the problem we have is he is not receptive to counseling of any kind. I'm hoping he will be honest with the pastor, but I don't know. He tends to want to present am image that everything is fine. I've noticed it in other areas, such as smoking. He is a closet smoker. If asked, he will tell people he doesn't smoke. I've asked him why he doesn't just come clean about it. I wish he didn't smoke but I haven't bugged him about it because staying sober is more of a concern for me. He said he's embarrassed and ashamed and that's why he hides it.

What I have seen is just a tendency not to appear vulnerable in any way, reluctance to ask for help and projecting a false bravado. Those are the main issues I see with him. I don't know why he does it, because I actually feel much closer to him when he humbles himself and admits he needs help. I also know God wants us to be humble like his Son.

 

[rejoiceinfaith]

I am following up on my earlier messages because I would like to get the input of anyone here who has experience with substance abuse in the marriage. I have been attending Alanon but have decided to stop as I think it is confusing me.

My husband and I met with our pastor yesterday. Overall, the meeting was ok although it didn't start very well. The pastor began by asking me is there was physical abuse in my childhood (there was emotional abuse but not really physical beyond the occasional drunken slap). He asked the same about my marriage. Again, it's more emotional/verbal, not physical. I said no, and he said then I have no biblical basis for divorce.

I had not said I wanted a divorce, nor do I, so I'm not sure why he led with this unless my husband mentioned it in their previous one-on-one session. Anyway, the pastor spent the rest of the time describing the husband and wife roles as described in scripture. He told my husband to stop drinking and to not bring alcohol into our home, including being under the influence. He told him to love me and be the leader of the home.

The pastor told me I need to commit to my husband that I will not divorce him no matter what, because one of our trust issues is that my husband fears I will leave. The pastor said I need to fully commit to the marriage, meaning divorce is not an option, and I need to submit to my husband and respect him (if I intend to follow Christ).

I understand what the pastor is saying--and I absolutely want to follow Christ and fulfill my Biblical role as a wife. However, I do not want to enable my husband or give him tacit approval to drink with impunity. I told this to the pastor and also mentioned that when I left my husband a few years ago, he got sober. He later told me that if I hadn't have left, he would've kept drinking.

I know I am as sick as my husband because I've been affected by his alcoholism and my parents throughout my childhood. I also realize I am a sinner whose only redemption is through Jesus Christ, and I need to show compassion and support to my husband. But I am worried that the pastor minimized the impact my husband's alcoholism has had on our marriage. In fact, I'm not sure he understands alcoholism at all (although he said his brother was an alcoholic).

I do not want to go back to Alanon because some of the women there have left their husbands. I don't know if they are Christians, but I don't want to be influenced by them to sin. Having said that, I was getting a lot of support there. When I went to the meetings, I didn't feel as hopeless and alone.

I have been praying so much about this, reading the Word, listening to sermons and just trying to connect with God. I honestly don't know where He is taking me with all of this, but some days I feel like I can't take much more. Today I was driving down the highway and I had this thought of just turning the wheel a little and driving into the barricade. I wouldn't be hurting anyone else. I just feel so tired and defeated.

I don't want to be a victim. I realize I probably sound that way, but I don't think of it like that. I am trying to honor my marriage and love my husband, despite his illness, weaknesses. I certainly have enough of my own.

If there are any women out there who have been in a similar situation and could PM me, I would appreciate it very much.