Alcoholism is destroying my marriage

[rejoiceinfaith]

I think my husband is secretly drinking again. I grew up in an alcoholic home, so I can recognize the signs. We have been married twelve years. This issue has almost ended our marriage twice. A few years ago things got so bad I moved out for a few months. He got sober, started a 12-step program and drew closer to God in my absence. I moved back and things were ok for about a year.

This is not my first marriage. I feel deep shame about my two failed marriages, which is one of the reasons I have stayed this long. I know God doesn't approve of divorce. I also know alcoholism is an illness. What bothers me the most is the lying--his sneaking around and hiding things from me. (The other day he said he was running a quick errand and was gone over two hours).

When he goes somewhere I feel so much anxiety, because I worry he is off drinking and driving. He has already gotten one DUI when he got into an accident. I was in the car because I didn't realize he had been drinking. My head hit the windshield but fortunately my seatbelt stopped me from ejecting the vehicle. I was treated for whiplash injuries at the hospital and released. He was arrested. A few days later I moved out.

My other concern is my dependence on him. I quit my job three years and a half years ago to care for my elderly father, who has dementia and lives with us. We all recently moved to a new state. My husband started a new job and we've just finished moving into our house. When we arrived here my husband told me he didn't want to go to AA any longer. He said he was fine and didn't want to drink. But I have seen old behaviors return. He seemed more like a dry drunk.

I have prayed about this consistently, not only for myself but mostly for my husband. I read the Word and attend two Bible studies. I'm trying to get involved in our new church. Recently I began attending Alanon meetings. They teach us not to let the alcoholic's behavior affect us, but I'm finding this nearly responsible. He's in my house! His behavior overshadows everything. I feel so much anxiety.

Sometimes I think God is teaching me a lesson by having me live with an active alcoholic who doesn't treat me very well. Years ago I left two men who did treat me well. I was selfish and stupid. So is this my penance?

I am lost. I don't want to do anything against God's will. I know we should be prepared to suffer as Christ did. But I don't feel prepared to handle this. There are days when I just want to go be with Jesus. What stops me is my love for the Lord. I a,so don't want to do that to my father and my husband.

I would appreciate advice from my brothers and sisters in Christ.

 

[Dave L]

Do you have a church and a pastor you can share this with? If you look for help in churches with a high divorce rate, they might not be your best choice. Those with a low or zero divorce rate might be better and offer more sound advice.

 

[Tolworth John]

I am sorry that your husband is decieving you about his drinking.

All I can suggest is to find a church with a strong mens fellowship and ot start attending this church with your husband so he can have fellowship with other men.

Otherwise it is to talk to him about your suspicions and to ask him to help you to remove them by his attending AA meetings regularly.

 

[Brian Mcnamee]

HI he probably had an accountabilty partner from the old AA group and you might contact that person to give him a call. You can pray and fast and get others to do so as this is spiritual warfare and fasting is like a super exclamation point on your prayers.

 

[Petros2015]

I'm sorry to hear this.

Maybe ask him 'what is your sobriety date?' That's how I approached a housemate who had gone back out and starting drinking again. It's a request for a hard fact, and admitting that he doesn't have one could be the first step in re-recovery. If he admits it. AA is 'a program of honesty'. Offer to go to a meeting with him.

 

[Kit Sigmon]

Well now, it seems to me this move had ulterior motives, the thing be
you don't have to live trapped and be all bound up in stress and strife.
You and your husband sit down and discuss his sneaking around, secret
drinking, stopping AA etc...discuss these things openly/honestly.
You and him know he can't do it alone, recovering alcoholics who go it alone
don't end up successful...the majority of them end up right back where
they were before and many of them be worse off.

You already know how to work, you know what it be like if things remain
unchecked, you also know the phone book has information about the resources
that be available to you and your father where you all currently live.

I worked and had a care aide with my mom during work hours. I talked to her
doctor and social workers about getting in-home help while I worked and this
be how things went on until mom got old enough to qualify for low income
apartment for seniors, she was able to live on her own and have assistance
from care aides up until about four years ago...my mom be 86 years old.

 

[rejoiceinfaith]

HI he probably had an accountabilty partner from the old AA group and you might contact that person to give him a call. You can pray and fast and get others to do so as this is spiritual warfare and fasting is like a super exclamation point on your prayers.

Hi Brian,

Thank you for the message. I have thought of fasting and praying but I am already about 15 pounds underweight. I went to the doctor recently and he said if he wants me to gain at least 10 lbs. I think the stress has affected my appetite. I've lost about 15 pounds over the past year and I was already on the low end of the weight scale.

I do know his former sponsor and have thought of contacting him. I decided not to because my sponsor (I am also in recovery) told me not to try to work my husband's program for him. They also told me that in Alanon.

 

[rejoiceinfaith]

I'm sorry to hear this.

Maybe ask him 'what is your sobriety date?' That's how I approached a housemate who had gone back out and starting drinking again. It's a request for a hard fact, and admitting that he doesn't have one could be the first step in re-recovery. If he admits it. AA is 'a program of honesty'. Offer to go to a meeting with him.

He wouldn't admit it. He lies about his drinking. I did too when I was still in active alcoholism. It's what we do.

His brother called him about a month ago and confessed that he had recently started going to AA. This was a good sign because my husband and I have been worried about his brother's drinking for a long time. I thought it was wonderful that my husband served as a good example of recovery (I thought) to his brother. But last week when I asked my husband how his brother was doing in recovery, he said he didn't know. I asked him why and if he had spoken to him. He said no and that he did not want to talk to him.

I took that as a bad sign.

 

[Katya123]

I think my husband is secretly drinking again. I grew up in an alcoholic home, so I can recognize the signs. We have been married twelve years. This issue has almost ended our marriage twice. A few years ago things got so bad I moved out for a few months. He got sober, started a 12-step program and drew closer to God in my absence. I moved back and things were ok for about a year.

This is not my first marriage. I feel deep shame about my two failed marriages, which is one of the reasons I have stayed this long. I know God doesn't approve of divorce. I also know alcoholism is an illness. What bothers me the most is the lying--his sneaking around and hiding things from me. (The other day he said he was running a quick errand and was gone over two hours).

When he goes somewhere I feel so much anxiety, because I worry he is off drinking and driving. He has already gotten one DUI when he got into an accident. I was in the car because I didn't realize he had been drinking. My head hit the windshield but fortunately my seatbelt stopped me from ejecting the vehicle. I was treated for whiplash injuries at the hospital and released. He was arrested. A few days later I moved out.

My other concern is my dependence on him. I quit my job three years and a half years ago to care for my elderly father, who has dementia and lives with us. We all recently moved to a new state. My husband started a new job and we've just finished moving into our house. When we arrived here my husband told me he didn't want to go to AA any longer. He said he was fine and didn't want to drink. But I have seen old behaviors return. He seemed more like a dry drunk.

I have prayed about this consistently, not only for myself but mostly for my husband. I read the Word and attend two Bible studies. I'm trying to get involved in our new church. Recently I began attending Alanon meetings. They teach us not to let the alcoholic's behavior affect us, but I'm finding this nearly responsible. He's in my house! His behavior overshadows everything. I feel so much anxiety.

Sometimes I think God is teaching me a lesson by having me live with an active alcoholic who doesn't treat me very well. Years ago I left two men who did treat me well. I was selfish and stupid. So is this my penance?

I am lost. I don't want to do anything against God's will. I know we should be prepared to suffer as Christ did. But I don't feel prepared to handle this. There are days when I just want to go be with Jesus. What stops me is my love for the Lord. I a,so don't want to do that to my father and my husband.

I would appreciate advice from my brothers and sisters in Christ.

 

[Katya123]

Hi there, I am so sorry you are in the position you are in. You could be writing my story. Years ago I was married to an alcoholic man. I did go to Al Anon too. They were great in that they helped you to do what you felt in your heart ...to stay or leave. I too prayed and prayed and prayed...very active in my church. Was God not hearing my prayers? Hardly. I came to realize that in the place I was in was the perfect "pressure cooker" for God to make some changes in me!!! Yep! Me, not my husband!!! I was a very wimpy, shy, backward kind of girl. Yes, I loved the Lord but I needed to grow up so to speak. I needed to learn to respect myself and how to set boundaries to protect myself and my children. Did I love him? Yes I did. But his lying, and sneaking, not showing for dinner, breaking promises, etc all started the breakdown of our marriage. When trust was completely gone and I was where God would have me, I found I had the go-sign to separate. (I will preface all of this by saying we had done marriage counseling several times to no avail. You have to follow the counsel for it to work!) God doesnt ask us to stay in a place where we are beaten down or abused over and over and over. I was very willing to reconcile if he wanted, but he didnt think he had a problem. He chose not to get any help at all. All this to say, I hear your heart and I hurt with you. God will make a way where there seems to be no way. Ask the Lord what he wants in your situation. I will be praying!

 

[Southernscotty]

I just want to tell you and Katya that I am praying for strength for you both and I know that Jesus will see you through these trials. Keep Him in focus and do not let the evil one deceive you and steal your peace and joy.
May God richly bless you both in Jesus name Amen.

 

[rejoiceinfaith]

Hi there, I am so sorry you are in the position you are in. You could be writing my story. Years ago I was married to an alcoholic man. I did go to Al Anon too. They were great in that they helped you to do what you felt in your heart ...to stay or leave. I too prayed and prayed and prayed...very active in my church. Was God not hearing my prayers? Hardly. I came to realize that in the place I was in was the perfect "pressure cooker" for God to make some changes in me!!! Yep! Me, not my husband!!! I was a very wimpy, shy, backward kind of girl. Yes, I loved the Lord but I needed to grow up so to speak. I needed to learn to respect myself and how to set boundaries to protect myself and my children. Did I love him? Yes I did. But his lying, and sneaking, not showing for dinner, breaking promises, etc all started the breakdown of our marriage. When trust was completely gone and I was where God would have me, I found I had the go-sign to separate. (I will preface all of this by saying we had done marriage counseling several times to no avail. You have to follow the counsel for it to work!) God doesnt ask us to stay in a place where we are beaten down or abused over and over and over. I was very willing to reconcile if he wanted, but he didnt think he had a problem. He chose not to get any help at all. All this to say, I hear your heart and I hurt with you. God will make a way where there seems to be no way. Ask the Lord what he wants in your situation. I will be praying!

 

[rejoiceinfaith]

Thank you so much for responding to my post. It helps hearing from others who've had a similar experience. I have been going to Alanon meetings more frequently lately. Sometimes I am embarrassed at how easily I start crying, but I know they understand. There are days when my emotions feel so close to the surface I can barely contain them.

I have been praying about this every day, both for wisdom in making decisions consistent with God's will and for courage and strength. I did speak with my husband and he admitted he has been drinking, although he downplayed it. He said it has only happened a few times, which I don't believe. He also said he knows he shouldn't be drinking, but he doesn't need to return to AA. I mentioned meeting with our pastor for counseling, and he either didn't hear me or acted as if he didn't.

I was very nervous during the conversation and as it went on, I felt my resolve weakening. Instead of sticking to my plan (which was to tell him he needed to return to AA and agree to go to counseling with me or I would leave), I started agreeing with him and trying to make him feel better! Argh! What is wrong with me? Anyway, I did stick to one thing: I said I needed a break from everything for a bit. I am away now for about a week visiting friends in my former town.

Southernscotty, thank you for your prayers! Thank all of you for your prayers! I definitely need them.

 

[Lily76_]

Do you go to al-non they help loved ones who are affected by people like your husband
if you have children who are old enough to understand what is going on take them with you its helps the whole family i myself have drinking problems i am 14 days clean he needs help weather he likes to admit it or not does he have a sponsor ? or anyone he has phone numbers from the only thing apart from God that can help him is another sober alcoholic with help your husband can be clean like me and like many other sober alcoholics

 

[Katya123]

Thank you so much for responding to my post. It helps hearing from others who've had a similar experience. I have been going to Alanon meetings more frequently lately. Sometimes I am embarrassed at how easily I start crying, but I know they understand. There are days when my emotions feel so close to the surface I can barely contain them.

I have been praying about this every day, both for wisdom in making decisions consistent with God's will and for courage and strength. I did speak with my husband and he admitted he has been drinking, although he downplayed it. He said it has only happened a few times, which I don't believe. He also said he knows he shouldn't be drinking, but he doesn't need to return to AA. I mentioned meeting with our pastor for counseling, and he either didn't hear me or acted as if he didn't.

I was very nervous during the conversation and as it went on, I felt my resolve weakening. Instead of sticking to my plan (which was to tell him he needed to return to AA and agree to go to counseling with me or I would leave), I started agreeing with him and trying to make him feel better! Argh! What is wrong with me? Anyway, I did stick to one thing: I said I needed a break from everything for a bit. I am away now for about a week visiting friends in my former town.

Southernscotty, thank you for your prayers! Thank all of you for your prayers! I definitely need them.

 

[Katya123]

Have you read Robin Norwood's book, "Women who love too much". She talks about codependency and why instead of standing and drawing our boundaries, we tend to "rescue" our spouses by agreeing with them and trying to help them. We "enable" them to stay in the same place that they are in!!! I know! It's crazy but that is exactly what happens. And as Christians, we feel so "unchristianlike" when we stand up for our selves and issue that ultimatum. You are on the right track. So glad you are away for awhile so you can get your head on and be able to talk out some things with friends. If he truly wants it to work, it can. But he has to want it and go after it. Keep your chin up!

 

[Sister in Christ]

I think my husband is secretly drinking again. I grew up in an alcoholic home, so I can recognize the signs. We have been married twelve years. This issue has almost ended our marriage twice. A few years ago things got so bad I moved out for a few months. He got sober, started a 12-step program and drew closer to God in my absence. I moved back and things were ok for about a year.

This is not my first marriage. I feel deep shame about my two failed marriages, which is one of the reasons I have stayed this long. I know God doesn't approve of divorce. I also know alcoholism is an illness. What bothers me the most is the lying--his sneaking around and hiding things from me. (The other day he said he was running a quick errand and was gone over two hours).

When he goes somewhere I feel so much anxiety, because I worry he is off drinking and driving. He has already gotten one DUI when he got into an accident. I was in the car because I didn't realize he had been drinking. My head hit the windshield but fortunately my seatbelt stopped me from ejecting the vehicle. I was treated for whiplash injuries at the hospital and released. He was arrested. A few days later I moved out.

My other concern is my dependence on him. I quit my job three years and a half years ago to care for my elderly father, who has dementia and lives with us. We all recently moved to a new state. My husband started a new job and we've just finished moving into our house. When we arrived here my husband told me he didn't want to go to AA any longer. He said he was fine and didn't want to drink. But I have seen old behaviors return. He seemed more like a dry drunk.

I have prayed about this consistently, not only for myself but mostly for my husband. I read the Word and attend two Bible studies. I'm trying to get involved in our new church. Recently I began attending Alanon meetings. They teach us not to let the alcoholic's behavior affect us, but I'm finding this nearly responsible. He's in my house! His behavior overshadows everything. I feel so much anxiety.

Sometimes I think God is teaching me a lesson by having me live with an active alcoholic who doesn't treat me very well. Years ago I left two men who did treat me well. I was selfish and stupid. So is this my penance?

I am lost. I don't want to do anything against God's will. I know we should be prepared to suffer as Christ did. But I don't feel prepared to handle this. There are days when I just want to go be with Jesus. What stops me is my love for the Lord. I a,so don't want to do that to my father and my husband.

I would appreciate advice from my brothers and sisters in Christ.

 

[Sister in Christ]

Hey hun, I was in a marriage where my husband drank too much and also took drugs. I was constantly anxious as he was abusive and I didnt know what to do. Without studying the bible..I knew of a few well knowen verses on divorse which lead me to believe that God hates divorse. Hence why I stayed 14 years..until one day enough was enough and I cryed out to God like never before. God then lead me to a man named Michael Chriswell. He can be found on You Tube and relentlessheart.com. Through this mans story of his destructive marriage and his journey with God..God opened my eyes to the truth which finally set me free from my Egypt.
I believe his latest video called "God hates divorce but he hates some marriges even more" WILL give you the answers your looking for.

 

[Andrew77]

Thank you so much for responding to my post. It helps hearing from others who've had a similar experience. I have been going to Alanon meetings more frequently lately. Sometimes I am embarrassed at how easily I start crying, but I know they understand. There are days when my emotions feel so close to the surface I can barely contain them.

I have been praying about this every day, both for wisdom in making decisions consistent with God's will and for courage and strength. I did speak with my husband and he admitted he has been drinking, although he downplayed it. He said it has only happened a few times, which I don't believe. He also said he knows he shouldn't be drinking, but he doesn't need to return to AA. I mentioned meeting with our pastor for counseling, and he either didn't hear me or acted as if he didn't.

I was very nervous during the conversation and as it went on, I felt my resolve weakening. Instead of sticking to my plan (which was to tell him he needed to return to AA and agree to go to counseling with me or I would leave), I started agreeing with him and trying to make him feel better! Argh! What is wrong with me? Anyway, I did stick to one thing: I said I needed a break from everything for a bit. I am away now for about a week visiting friends in my former town.

Southernscotty, thank you for your prayers! Thank all of you for your prayers! I definitely need them.

So either you need to become more strong in your determination, or you need to ask someone to confront your husband with you.

If you can't talk to your husband, and make it clear what your expectations are, then don't go alone. You cannot meet with someone in this context, and then wimp out. Not trying to be insulting, you cannot do that and then end up 'feeling your resolve weaken'... that is not an option here.

Because if you wimp out, then your husband continues his bad behavior, and you end up in divorce. You know that, because you are here talking about it.

You need to put your foot down, draw that line in the sand, and then hold to it.

What is your other option? Give up and you might as well start filing papers now?
If you are going to fight for your marriage, then do so. But no more of this 'feeling my resolve weakening' garbage.

You said that last time, you had to move out from your husband, and then he cleaned up his act. That is what you should do. If I were you, I would do what you did last time, all over again.

You know how you train a dog? When the dog acts correctly, you give it a treat. When the dog acts badly, you smack it with paper. You may have to do this several times. There is no magic "do this one time" system and poof the dog is trained. Sometimes you have to do it multiple times.

Your husband has to learn this multiple times. You did it one time, and he started acting right. Now he thinks that's a one-off, and is back to his old ways. You need to do it again.

 

[rejoiceinfaith]

Hey hun, I was in a marriage where my husband drank too much and also took drugs. I was constantly anxious as he was abusive and I didnt know what to do. Without studying the bible..I knew of a few well knowen verses on divorse which lead me to believe that God hates divorse. Hence why I stayed 14 years..until one day enough was enough and I cryed out to God like never before. God then lead me to a man named Michael Chriswell. He can be found on You Tube and relentlessheart.com. Through this mans story of his destructive marriage and his journey with God..God opened my eyes to the truth which finally set me free from my Egypt.
I believe his latest video called "God hates divorce but he hates some marriges even more" WILL give you the answers your looking for.

Thank you for your compassionate reply. What I want more than anything is to honor God and allow His will to be done. I do not want to get in His way, but I sometimes have trouble discerning between waiting on God and not acting because I'm afraid.

I found Michael Chriswell on YouTube and have started listening!