Against my will

[Lady Bug]

My dad could be released on Thursday (wasn't my choice - my dad's wishes overrode mine, according to the social services) and my chest is heavy and short of breath from the stress I've been under. Literally hours of phone calls but not even half of what I intended to accomplish. Bullet-pointing the issues:

- Brother is full of crap. Keeps parroting the same phrases to me over and over but without actually helping financially or physically. "Can't" help me if I end up homeless. Starts crying about how he loves me so much and that the family needs me.
- Not done ordering the equipment but might not need to if the handyman finds certain things at the discount store.
- Can't really afford hired help but since Medicaid would take away everything, we can't do that because my brother "can't" help me if I end up penniless.
- Am dreading extremely badly the loss of sleep that might ensue. I have been doing better in the house by myself, aside from certain repairs that are desperately needed.
- I feel pity for my dad in the nursing home but it was keeping that slimy relative (and his son) away who wanted to come over to the house.
- I have to go from some peace and quiet currently to a bunch of people coming/going in the house to do assessments on my dad. I just want people to stay away from me.
- Petrified that my dad will think it's a good idea to marry that slimy son in order to not be homeless.
- Petrified that my faith life will be destroyed.
- To be brutally honest, I am losing interest in the Christian faith because it is actually making me feel more in agony. My dad is not good enough to go to heaven, but not bad enough to go to hell.
- I did contact a lady from church (a friend, not just random) and she wants updates of what is going on but I'm afraid to look like a hobo if I have to be completely honest with her about what my fears are.

I keep hoping that I'm overstating the gravity of the situation.

 

[Susie~Q]

My dad could be released on Thursday (wasn't my choice - my dad's wishes overrode mine, according to the social services) and my chest is heavy and short of breath from the stress I've been under. Literally hours of phone calls but not even half of what I intended to accomplish. Bullet-pointing the issues:
Hugs Shazia. It is so unfair that you have to endure this, I mean, even he has admitted that he really can't home, you are being put under so much stress, no wonder your chest hurts and you are short of breath. All those phone calls and nothing being accomplished is stressful in itself.
- Brother is full of crap. Keeps parroting the same phrases to me over and over but without actually helping financially or physically. "Can't" help me if I end up homeless. Starts crying about how he loves me so much and that the family needs me.
He is being a supreme jerk. He should be doing all he can to help you. This crying bit would get on my nerves, he is only acting as far as I am concerned. Shame shame on him.
- Not done ordering the equipment but might not need to if the handyman finds certain things at the discount store.
I hope that the handyman can get some things for you at a discount store, that would help some.
- Can't really afford hired help but since Medicaid would take away everything, we can't do that because my brother "can't" help me if I end up penniless.
That is a horrifying feeling, what the heck does Medicaid expect a person to live on for heaven's sake. Can't Medicare help?
- Am dreading extremely badly the loss of sleep that might ensue. I have been doing better in the house by myself, aside from certain repairs that are desperately needed.
I remember when your dad was home you telling me now you couldn't get a good nights sleep. That would be awful if it gets worse again.
- I feel pity for my dad in the nursing home but it was keeping that slimy relative (and his son) away who wanted to come over to the house.
I know you feel badly for your dad, but I also know how that creepy relative scares you, he shouldn't be allowed near you or the house in general. He's bad news.
- I have to go from some peace and quiet currently to a bunch of people coming/going in the house to do assessments on my dad. I just want people to stay away from me.
Completely understandable, this is only going to add tons of stress to you again, you do NOT need that.
- Petrified that my dad will think it's a good idea to marry that slimy son in order to not be homeless.
No matter what, DO NOT give in to that, your life will be ruined if you marry that creep.
- Petrified that my faith life will be destroyed.
Satan is really attacking you, the best I can suggest is to keep praying, read your bible and ask for the Holy Spirit to give you the strength you need to carry on.
- To be brutally honest, I am losing interest in the Christian faith because it is actually making me feel more in agony. My dad is not good enough to go to heaven, but not bad enough to go to hell. I can relate, as I shared in a private email to you yesterday. With all you've gone through with so-called Christians who wouldn't be fed up with the Christian faith. But remember, not everyone is like that, and also, it was "christens" that nailed our Lord to the cross, so He knows what you mean as well.
- I did contact a lady from church (a friend, not just random) and she wants updates of what is going on but I'm afraid to look like a hobo if I have to be completely honest with her about what my fears are.
You won't look like a hobo if you share all you're going through, she needs to know the entire truth so she can help you. I know it is not easy to be that open, but sometimes it is the only way.

I keep hoping that I'm overstating the gravity of the situation.
I hope it turns out that way too, but from what you've been sharing with me, I think that you are pretty close to the truth. I love you my friend and am praying for you, I wish I could do more, but living so far away in New Zealand, it isn't easy. I do care though. Hugs.

 

[mourningdove~]

- To be brutally honest, I am losing interest in the Christian faith because it is actually making me feel more in agony.

And to be brutally honest with you:

With ALL you are facing, this is NOT the time to lose interest in the Christian faith. It would actually be the WORST time for you to do so ... because to get thru what you are dealing with, and are going to be dealing with in the days and weeks and months ahead? You are going to NEED God.

I hope you will not walk away from Him.
He is the One in this world Who loves you the most, and is most able to help you.

 

[FaithT]

My dad could be released on Thursday (wasn't my choice - my dad's wishes overrode mine, according to the social services) and my chest is heavy and short of breath from the stress I've been under. Literally hours of phone calls but not even half of what I intended to accomplish. Bullet-pointing the issues:

- Brother is full of crap. Keeps parroting the same phrases to me over and over but without actually helping financially or physically. "Can't" help me if I end up homeless. Starts crying about how he loves me so much and that the family needs me.
- Not done ordering the equipment but might not need to if the handyman finds certain things at the discount store.
- Can't really afford hired help but since Medicaid would take away everything, we can't do that because my brother "can't" help me if I end up penniless.
- Am dreading extremely badly the loss of sleep that might ensue. I have been doing better in the house by myself, aside from certain repairs that are desperately needed.
- I feel pity for my dad in the nursing home but it was keeping that slimy relative (and his son) away who wanted to come over to the house.
- I have to go from some peace and quiet currently to a bunch of people coming/going in the house to do assessments on my dad. I just want people to stay away from me.
- Petrified that my dad will think it's a good idea to marry that slimy son in order to not be homeless.
- Petrified that my faith life will be destroyed.
- To be brutally honest, I am losing interest in the Christian faith because it is actually making me feel more in agony. My dad is not good enough to go to heaven, but not bad enough to go to hell.
- I did contact a lady from church (a friend, not just random) and she wants updates of what is going on but I'm afraid to look like a hobo if I have to be completely honest with her about what my fears are.

I keep hoping that I'm overstating the gravity of the situation.

{{{{hugs}}}}

 

[RileyG]

May God bless you in his love

St. Expeditus, pray for us!

 

[Michie]

Continued prayers LB!

 

[Lady Bug]

There is something I'm really sick of. Like, totally sick of.

My dad and brother are like "I'm sick of this dumpy place" (it's actually not that bad but - it's a nursing home, so it's going to look like one kind of) and of course, I don't care for nursing homes either but guess what? You can come home if you want, I won't stop you but the only options when you get old and unable to care for yourself are either nursing home or paying out of pocket for round-the-clock care and you're going to need a miracle stash of money amounting to practically $300,000 a year. Before someone wants to judge you for "throwing someone in a nursing home" (which wasn't my intention), some people (not aimed at anyone here) need to get their facts straight and find a way to give you $300,000 right away so they can help you out. (sarcasm) You never know what can happen to you when you are old. You can easily say "Well, I'm going to make sure I'm careful and not get that bad." OK, then suffer, I have stopped caring.

 

[Michie]

There is something I'm really sick of. Like, totally sick of.

My dad and brother are like "I'm sick of this dumpy place" (it's actually not that bad but - it's a nursing home, so it's going to look like one kind of) and of course, I don't care for nursing homes either but guess what? You can come home if you want, I won't stop you but the only options when you get old and unable to care for yourself are either nursing home or paying out of pocket for round-the-clock care and you're going to need a miracle stash of money amounting to practically $300,000 a year. Before someone wants to judge you for "throwing someone in a nursing home" (which wasn't my intention), some people (not aimed at anyone here) need to get their facts straight and find a way to give me $300,000 right away so they can help me out. (sarcasm)

How did you manage inhome help for your mother? I remember help coming in.

 

[Lady Bug]

How did you manage inhome help for your mother? I remember help coming in.

My dad paid out of pocket. He had more money in a certain fund back then. He used most of it up.

 

[Lady Bug]

p.s. We could not hire that many hours of help, though. Like, one or two hours a day, but the rest of it was all done by us. Once hospice started, we didn't "need" to hire those women anymore because they couldn't feed her anymore. The in-home hospice happened to be covered by Medicare and they started taking care of the bathing/dressing. I worked extremely diligently to try to feed her in my own way until a couple weeks before she passed, she basically stopped eating.

 

[Michie]

My dad paid out of pocket. He had more money in a certain fund back then. He used most of it up.

Oh that’s stinks.

 

[Michie]

p.s. We could not hire that many hours of help, though. Like, one or two hours a day, but the rest of it was all done by us. Once hospice started, we didn't "need" to hire those women anymore because they couldn't feed her anymore. The in-home hospice happened to be covered by Medicare and they started taking care of the bathing/dressing. I worked extremely diligently to try to feed her in my own way until a couple weeks before she passed, she basically stopped eating.

Yes that happens. But you did your best and it’s not good to force food when the system is shutting down. If you don’t mind me asking, how old is your dad now?

(You don’t have to answer if you do not want to).

 

[Lady Bug]

Oh that’s stinks.

I do think that those who "judge" people who "put" their loved ones in a home have no stinking idea that these things (in-home care) aren't covered by insurance. Even I didn't know this at one time. The system forces many people into doing this sort of thing against their will and I didn't know this. I literally asked a representative on the phone from "A Place for Mom" a question, "How do people afford these places? Are they born with a silver spoon in their mouth?" And I could sense that the man on the other end laughed in a condescending way, like a smirk, and didn't say anything.

disclaimer: in-home care is NOT the same thing as in-home HEALTH care, which provides SOME limited services for 6 weeks. Then you're on your own again.

 

[Michie]

I do think that those who "judge" people who "put" their loved ones in a home have no stinking idea that these things (in-home care) aren't covered by insurance. Even I didn't know this at one time. The system forces many people into doing this sort of thing against their will and I didn't know this. I literally asked a representative on the phone from "A Place for Mom" a question, "How do people afford these places? Are they born with a silver spoon in their mouth?" And I could sense that the man on the other end laughed in a condescending way, like a smirk, and didn't say anything.

disclaimer: in-home care is NOT the same thing as in-home HEALTH care, which provides SOME limited services for 6 weeks. Then you're on your own again.

Our family attorney set up insurance for these scenarios for my mother in law and protected all her assets along with setting up the power of attorney and executor of the estate, etc. we learned a lot through the process. We did all this after my father in law died.

 

[Lady Bug]

Our family attorney set up insurance for these scenarios for my mother in law and protected all her assets along with setting up the power of attorney and executor of the estate, etc. we learned a lot through the process. We did all this after my father in law died.

I don't have the money for the attorney. I know you said you got a loan but I don't have the wherewithal to pay it back.

 

[Michie]

I don't have the money for the attorney. I know you said you got a loan but I don't have the wherewithal to pay it back.

No we did not get a loan but it was just under a thousand dollars to get all that done. Which on the long run was worth it for us.

 

[Lady Bug]

I don't mean to be bichy but by me taking care of my parents like this, I have set myself up for a lifetime of future poverty and no family. You can't generate wealth or procure a family in my position. I'd end up in the same kind of nursing home that I "helped" my parents stay out of.

 

[Lady Bug]

No we did not get a loan but it was just under a thousand dollars to get all that done. Which on the long run was worth it for us.

Oh I don't disagree about it being worth it. My brother has never pitched in a single cent to help out so far.

 

[Michie]

Oh I don't disagree about it being worth it. My brother has never pitched in a single cent to help out so far.

I’d like to slap some sense into your brother.

 

[Lady Bug]

I’d like to slap some sense into your brother.

I feel like I lost my livelihood, in retrospect, while he was allowed to live his own life and have "fun," yet he has the guts to tell me that I didn't lose anything. Do my feelings have any validity?