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advice

Discussion in 'Christian Philosophy & Ethics' started by Married6242017, Jan 3, 2019.

  1. Married6242017

    Married6242017 New Member

    8
    +24
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    My husband and a I have split financies due to earlier marital problems (he drained accounts and left). Since weve gotten married (2 years) ive always made slightly more than him and have far less debt. When we shared $, we blew through my savings and started buying things on credit and were always chasing to pay things off, it was stressful! Needless to say, he still lives this way. I am the only one contributing to the household expenses while he spends his on personal bills and credit card debt.

    We recently developed a joint income that we had agreed would pay our joint bills. Now that the money is here, he is upset realizing that this still does not free up his money. It’s back to the let’s join everything again... I can’t go back to the controlling of where I’m spending and the I’ll spend it before you can behaviors. I feel stuck between putting my foot down and saying your the man and this is how we can off set your lack of contribution and responsibility vs just letting him spend as he pleases while I support the house hold.

    We can’t agree and are getting resentful towards each other!! What are we missing?
     
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  2. musicalpilgrim

    musicalpilgrim pilgrim on the sacred music pathway Supporter Angels Team

    +21,912
    United Kingdom
    Pentecostal
    Married
    I pray for you, that you both come closer to the Lord and each other,
    Also for the direction of the Lord in this matter.
    Welcome to the forum, in Jesus name,

    The Prayer Wall may be the best place to post for prayer support.

    Prayer Wall
     
  3. Married6242017

    Married6242017 New Member

    8
    +24
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    Thanks. I’m not sure if I can delete, but I posted where you suggested. Blessings!!!
     
  4. ValleyGal

    ValleyGal Well-Known Member

    +1,729
    Canada
    Anabaptist
    Divorced
    Maintain your boundaries. He has proven irresponsible with finances, and needs to face the difficult consequences of how he handles his money. If you join your finances, you already know what will happen, and then you are contributing to his sin, making you an enabler. Don't sacrifice your own financial integrity for him or for anyone. If he resents you for it, that's his to deal with.

    I hope he is contributing to the home through your joint venture, and in other ways as well. It is incredibly stressful when you are the one who has to pay for everything due to your partner's irresponsibility. I'll tell you that resentment about having to pay for everything and always being the responsible one... that can escalate very quickly into resentment upon resentment, and even being resentful that HE is resentful when he has no reason to be! Don't let him or the situation ruin your integrity - financial or personal.

    You might also get more input posting on the marriage forum.
     
  5. A_Thinker

    A_Thinker Well-Known Member Supporter

    +4,750
    Christian
    Married
    My wife and I have been married almost 20 years. We both earn an adequate income ... and are fairly responsible about paying our bills and debts.

    However, we still maintain (3) accounts ... one for her, one for me, and one joint account which both of us contribute to.

    The bills are split up between my wife and myself, and most are paid out of the joint account. It's a fair way of handling our finances, and provides a measure of accountability between the two of us.

    In your case, I would be wary of giving your husband too much to be responsible for. He knows his history with his finances, ... so I have to wonder about his purposes for urging that the finances come completely under his control.

    I would stick with the situation you currently have ...
     
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2019
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  6. SPF

    SPF Well-Known Member

    +1,557
    United States
    Protestant
    Married
    Clearly he has a problem. Unfortunately, unless he's willing to acknowledge that he's irresponsible with money, has a spending problem, and isn't being a leader, and as a result is actually in sin - he won't change. He needs to actually repent and want to change. It doesn't sound like he does.

    I could give you tips of financial planning and suggestions on what to do, but unless he actually wants to change, then this rift is going to continue.

    Based upon what you said, he shouldn't have control of even "his" money. He has an entirely improper view and understanding of money. All your money, the money you "make" an the money he "makes" belongs to the Lord. You don't actually work to make money. You work because work is good and God tells us to work. God is actually the one providing for you. Until he can understand this, he's not going to change.

    And unfortunately, any responsible steps you take towards protecting the income you as a couple have is only going to make him become angry and upset - because he does not have the proper perspective on money.

    I would look at your situation like someone trying to help an alcoholic, or someone with an addiction problem. All the money you two make needs to go into an account that you alone have access to. I think it's really sad that he's so irresponsible that you have to make sure all the bills are paid, but if that's where you are then that's what you need to do. He should only have money for needs, such as maybe some gas money, or money for food if his work requires him to eat out.

    But he has a real problem, and it goes deeper than money. It's a spiritual problem, and unless he is able to come to terms with it, I fear things will only continue to decline. If he is a believer, then you should go to your Pastor, or to a Christian Counselor. He needs a third party speaking truth into his life.

    Have you considered something like Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University?
     
  7. Married6242017

    Married6242017 New Member

    8
    +24
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    We have considered it. I’ve been reluctant though as he is under the impression that all money is combined into one big pool again to manage “together”
     
  8. SPF

    SPF Well-Known Member

    +1,557
    United States
    Protestant
    Married
    If he's a Christian, then you should try and shift the money discussion from a horizontal one to a vertical one. You should actually suggest praying together about your money, acknowledging that the money you have is not yours, but that it's Gods. Then you should have a discussion about how to best spend the money so as to maximally glorify God.

    He needs to completely shift his understanding of money.
     
  9. Hazelelponi

    Hazelelponi Well-Known Member Supporter

    +2,758
    United States
    Baptist
    Married
    My husband and I each have an income, and although we aren't wealthy people I have divided the finances into what bills he is responsible for paying and what I am responsible for paying.

    It's split in such a manner that both he and I have some discretionary funds each month (for us it's not a lot, but it's something)

    The problem with advising you is that we both agree and are happy with this financial arrangement, because it leaves both of us extra monies after the bills are paid which we can save towards things we might want.

    My husband has a larger income than I do, so he pays a little more to keep us both with some free money, but of course it doesn't bother him to leave me some free money.

    I can definitely pray for you, since it sounds like your husband is a spend thrift who feels it's his due for you to support him completely as well as purchase his every desire.. and that's not right at all.

    I might try counseling if I were you.
     
  10. christine40

    christine40 Well-Known Member

    +6,312
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    OP

    there are spenders and savers
    definitely seems you're married to a spender

    get him on board to do the David Ramsey program (as someone suggested), attend a noncredit financial class at a university, or a budgeting class together

    we attended a non credit financial class at a university and it came with a free visit with a financial planner (helpful)

    you both need to work on this together or you will end up with serious financial problems
    this happened to a person I know who had to take on a second job to pay off all the debt her husband incurred
     
    Last edited: Jan 3, 2019
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  11. SkyWriting

    SkyWriting The Librarian Supporter

    +5,576
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Married
    US-Others
    Both marriage and financial counseling. You can go alone if he is not ready.
     
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