Advice would be useful

[jash86]

I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year now, both of us Christian - go to different churches (different denominations) and have different views on sex before marriage. He has had sex with his previous girlfriend, I have never had sex but have done other things, including stuff with my boyfriend. Now, in no way does he pressure me into doing anything - this is all my own doing, but as time goes on I am regretting how far we have gone and now it has got to the stage where most times I see him we get up to something.

We are planning to get married in a couple of years, but not yet engaged and it's going to be an extremely frustrating time for me so I would like some practical advice of what to do when we are alone together in order to help us not get too carried away. We spend a lot of time at my house, where I live alone, because neither of us see the point in spending money for the sake of it and a lot of things around where I live cost money to do.

It is really beginning to frustrate me because I love him so much and I always feel really close to him and I would like to feel close to him in a non-sexual way right now so we can move forward in our relationship in a way that is pleasing to God. It's also affecting my relationship with God as well and I feel like I can't get close to him after I've spent time in that way with my boyfriend.

So, as I've said practical advice would be gratefully received. Thank you

 

[gzt]

One practical thing to ask is why "a couple years" and not somewhat sooner? I don't mean to say you should get engaged right now and marry quite soon, but people usually have at least vague reasons for their plans, and if you don't have any good reason not to, you might want to consider somewhat sooner.

I'm going to be a bit frank: if you're hanging out at your place where you live alone, you're not really setting yourself up for success. You don't have the option of leaving to de-escalate physical tension and you don't have to worry about other people interrupting. You're not exactly going to kick him out, either.

The most practical suggestions I have are to try to get on the same page as him about this, or at least to impress on him the importance this has for you, and to try to keep things more public than hanging out at your place all the time. I realize that doesn't sound ideal given what you've already said. But, besides communication and barriers that make it harder to misbehave, there's not a lot I can think of. It's somewhat natural for things to progress physically as that's a beast that grows bigger with being fed - especially for somebody who's had sex before.

 

[Non.Denom.Jesus-Freak]

One practical thing to ask is why "a couple years" and not somewhat sooner? I don't mean to say you should get engaged right now and marry quite soon, but people usually have at least vague reasons for their plans, and if you don't have any good reason not to, you might want to consider somewhat sooner.

I'm going to be a bit frank: if you're hanging out at your place where you live alone, you're not really setting yourself up for success. You don't have the option of leaving to de-escalate physical tension and you don't have to worry about other people interrupting. You're not exactly going to kick him out, either.

The most practical suggestions I have are to try to get on the same page as him about this, or at least to impress on him the importance this has for you, and to try to keep things more public than hanging out at your place all the time. I realize that doesn't sound ideal given what you've already said. But, besides communication and barriers that make it harder to misbehave, there's not a lot I can think of. It's somewhat natural for things to progress physically as that's a beast that grows bigger with being fed - especially for somebody who's had sex before.

I totally agree with all of that.

But I also think that you guys (if you both feel the same) should take it to God together. To me, there is nothing that God cannot get you guys through. If he cannot understand how important it is for you and is not willing to work on this with you then he is clearly not for you.

and just a note..1 Corinthians 6:18-20 says:
Flee from sexual immortality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

 

[jash86]

Thanks for your posts.

gzt - We are not getting married till 2013 because my boyfriend needs to save money to put towards buying a house together (I already own my own house but it is in an impractical location for us to both keep our current jobs and it's too in the city, he's a country boy) You may ask why we can't just sell my house and buy with that and though he'll never say it out loud, I think he's a traditional man who wants to provide for his family and he might feel that if he doesn't make a bit of a contribution, either to the down payment or mortgage, then it may feel like it's my house and not 'ours'. If that makes sense?

It took him a while to even talk about getting married, he definitely wants to - says he knows the 4 months in which he will propose (I don't know!) - but I just have to wait and be patient for him to do so. I can't and don't want to push him before he's ready.

Yes, it is frustrating and very tempting when we're at home all the time but it's where I like to be - not just with him, but in most situations - I enjoy spending time indoors. We do also spend time at his house, where he lives with his parents and we also visit my parents fairly often. We live about an hour from each other so only see each other once a week, so probably our feelings of missing each other get built up over this time and come out it in inappropriate ways.

Non-Denom my boyfriend and I go to different types of churches and have different views on God and bringing stuff to Him etc. He goes to a traditional, church of england church, so has what i would call a traditional relationship with God, whereas I go to a more modern baptist church and have more of a friendship relationship with God. I will try and talk to him about it re: going to God, but coming from different view points sensitivity is definitely needed.

My boyfriend is definitely supportive of my decision of not sleeping together and 99% of the time, I'm initiating things. I know he would also never let us go that far, because he knows how much I'll regret it.

 

[iambren]

My advise:

Once you've gone to a certain level (which you both chose) you can't go back. You can TRY with limited sucess. So if your conscience is not clear you have only two choices:

Get married soon ie find a way.
or
Break up.

It really is that clear.

 

[jash86]

Thank you for your views iambren, but neither of those is practical - I do not want to force my boyfriend into something before it is time...it has to be his decision, not me making it for him (I have often joked that we should do it in Scotland in the summer!)

 

[Tim Myers]

"We are planning to get married in a couple of years....."

Why so long??.........

 

[citizenthom]

Thanks for your posts.

gzt - We are not getting married till 2013 because my boyfriend needs to save money to put towards buying a house together (I already own my own house but it is in an impractical location for us to both keep our current jobs and it's too in the city, he's a country boy) You may ask why we can't just sell my house and buy with that and though he'll never say it out loud, I think he's a traditional man who wants to provide for his family and he might feel that if he doesn't make a bit of a contribution, either to the down payment or mortgage, then it may feel like it's my house and not 'ours'. If that makes sense?

It doesn't, and bluntly, he needs to get over himself. You already have a freaking house. Unless you're working an hour or more away or something along those lines, it is in fact more practice to keep your house and stomach the travel costs than it is to scrimp for a down payment on another house and then take on a mortgage on top of that. Why go into debt for a house, when you already have a freaking house? That's not "providing." That's completely unwise.

It's even worse if his justification is that he just wants to live out in the country. He can fulfill that dream later in life when you have more money coming in and it's easier to sell your current home. For now, you guys have a freaking house. Time to get hitched and live in it.

Sometimes being a provider means being humble enough to accept what God has given you already, even if you feel like you didn't earn it. Here God gave him a woman who owns a freaking house. That's a blessing. Three or four blessings by my reckoning.

If you do not want to keep doing sexual things before you get married, you must stop. Until there are two rings on your finger, your body is yours, not his; and his desires come second to your commitment to God. And if he has a problem with that, tell him you are willing to marry him ASAP and start having all sorts of sexual fun.

And if he stalls because he wants to save up for a house, tell him WE ALREADY HAVE A FREAKING HOUSE.

 

[jash86]

We don't have a 'freaking house' as you so politely put it. I have a house and I have lived in it for 2 years by myself. I would struggle to have him living here with me because I've already put my mark on it and it would feel very much to me like him moving in on my territory (just the sort of person I am) so us buying a house together is very much for both of us and not just for him.

Also, for me marriage is not just about having 'sexual fun' but also spending other time with my husband and if he's spending all his time travelling to work, it's not going to be good for our relationship - from my house to his work is probably about an hour or so, so that's 2 hours each day travelling on country roads with lots of other traffic.

We would also want to be able to save money and buy a big enough house that we could then raise our children in when we have them. Neither of us see the point in buying a house now and then having to sell it when the kids come along.

 

[gzt]

Yeah, so, I think you'll just have to learn not to do it. A good plan might be to come up with simple behavioral rules that prevent you from going "too far". Examples are things like, "clothes must stay on", "must stay vertical", or curfews or whatever. Simple behavioral rules that aren't sins to break but which prevent sin can be quite useful things. Those aren't the best examples of what kind of things I mean, but they should be a good start.

 

[jash86]

Thank you for the practical advice, gzt We do have a curfew already but I think I will try and enforce it even more.
Other thoughts I had were: spend as much time outside as possible...in this weather that won't be difficult.
To have things to do, such as playing on the wii, playing board games etc. Hopefully keeping busy will stop us from doing other things.
Spending more time at his house/my parents place so we can enjoy time together whilst also being in the company of others.
I'm pleased to say that my boyfriend is happy with this and with the fact that I want to discuss it with him as well.

 

[bliz5]

We don't have a 'freaking house' as you so politely put it. I have a house and I have lived in it for 2 years by myself. I would struggle to have him living here with me because I've already put my mark on it and it would feel very much to me like him moving in on my territory (just the sort of person I am) so us buying a house together is very much for both of us and not just for him.

Also, for me marriage is not just about having 'sexual fun' but also spending other time with my husband and if he's spending all his time travelling to work, it's not going to be good for our relationship - from my house to his work is probably about an hour or so, so that's 2 hours each day travelling on country roads with lots of other traffic.

We would also want to be able to save money and buy a big enough house that we could then raise our children in when we have them. Neither of us see the point in buying a house now and then having to sell it when the kids come along.

Spend more of your time together in places where you can't misbehave - going for a walk, good choice. Laying down on the floor to watch a movie, bad choice.

Between the two of you, you have a (pardon me) freakin' house! You seem to think that everything must be perfect before you get married.
His commute is too long .... so after you get married find a new place closer to his work. You've put your mark on the house, so take your mark off - it's temporary, you're not going to live in this house forever. Marriage involves lots of adjustments and changes. Don't expect to have all the ducks lined up before you walk the aisle.

 

[citizenthom]

Between the two of you, you have a (pardon me) freakin' house! You seem to think that everything must be perfect before you get married.

This. Conditions are never perfect to get married. But they are "good." And from what you've said, you and your boyfriend have a better starting point than 75% of married couples just because of the house. Add that to the fact that you already have the "burning" that necessitates marriage in the first place, are both Christians (I gather), and your boyfriend apparently has a manly attitude in general (the provider personality), and there really isn't a good reason to put it off.

As far as the commute goes, I had a one-hour commute from right after our honeymoon until a couple weeks ago when I left to start my own firm. It doesn't cut into your time together at all as long as you still prioritize each other.

As far as feeling like it's "your house," that's something you're going to have to let go of about all your possessions--not to mention your body--once you get married; your house is probably a good place to start.

Don't take it as brow-beating or anything; it's just that the Bible's first advice for the problem you described--strong sexual temptation--is, get married and start a regular sex life as God intended. Wisdom might keep us from doing that when it doesn't make material sense...but in your case, it does. If you can be married sooner than later, there's no good reason to keep "dating."

 

[jash86]

I see and understand all of your points and they do make a lot of sense. It may be something that I will bring up in discussion with my boyfriend, but I can't pressure him into anything.
I think another difference between him and me is that a lot of my friends, who I know from church, are married so because I'm surrounded by married people regularly my attitutude to it is different to his - all of his friends his age aren't Christian and most are in long term relationships and only some are married. For example, his best mate has been with his girlfriend for 6 years without any sign of progress: moving in, getting married etc. I know they're not Christians but I do think that people's attitudes to marriage and things can be affected by the relationship status of the people they are with.

 

[jash86]

Oohh, before I forget - it wasn't the 'we have a house' bit that was annoying me it was the 'freaking house' I don't see that it is necessary to use words like that. Also even though this is not my boyfriends house he will regularly use words like 'we' when talking about getting little jobs done. I think that if we did end up living here, I could probably get used to it for a little while but ideally would like to move later on.

 

[dayhiker]

My thought was that with some creativity there there must be a way to get out and so something without spending money. Visit all the parks in your area. go geo-cashing if you have a phone with a GPS in it.

An other avenue is to start to spend more time with freinds. Or making new freinds. Playing games or something.

Mostly, its getting creative. The idea is to find somethings you both love doing together to broaden your interests so your not home getting bored and then things move to a sexual direction.

My thoughts

 

[jash86]

thank you, dayhiker may I ask what geo cashing is?

 

[ImperialPhantom]

I agree with citizen thorn. There is no reason not to move into this house you own. Sure it's your house, but when you two marry, if you place this house on a material pedestal above your marriage and refuse to 'let' him live in it, there will be issues. As for the commute, an hour each way sucks but it is bearable in exchange for the free house. I've done worse commutes than that before.