Advice re Helping Others and Boundaries

[ChooseJoy22]

Hello everyone, I am new to this forum and I was hoping to get some advice.

I have a friend, let's call her Jill. Jill has a husband and three school-age children. Jill is the sole breadwinner and makes enough money to theoretically pay for all of the "needs" in her household, and some of the "wants." Jill is a horribly irresponsible with her income - she never pays bills when they are due and she spends that money on clothes, alcohol, cigarettes, eating out, etc. Her kids often go hungry but she and her husband always have alcohol and cigarettes. They have cable with HBO and other "added" channels, NetFlix, Amazon Prime, and 4 of the 5 members of the household have cell phones.

I am by no means rich but I do okay and I often feel bad if I am at Jill's house and there is no food and the kids complain of being hungry. I often give her money for groceries, more recently taking her to the store (she has no car) to ensure the $ I give her will be used for food for the kids.

Questions:
Am I an enabler by giving her $ when I know she *could* afford what she needs if she stops spending irresponsibly?
Do I stop giving her money and let the kids go hungry?
Sometimes I feel like God *might* be telling me to give her money - how do I know if this is from God or from me just being nice and feeling bad? I do have a history of being "too nice" and not saying no when I supposedly should.
When do I say no?

I care about her and her family, but she WILL NOT budget and WILL NOT cut back on unnecessary expenses to make sure her children's needs are met. I have suggested budgeting and offered to help her budget but she just won't do it.

I appreciate any advice. I genuinely don't mind and actually want to help others but I feel like I am not helping but enabling and that I am also being taken advantage of. Where do I know where that line is?

I should also add that sometimes she asks to "borrow" money but she rarely pays me back in full or at all, and sometimes I feel like she tells me she needs money to see if I will offer it to her without her asking. Sometimes I also just give her $ or bring over groceries when I feel led by God.

Sorry this is so long and thank you so much for reading!

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

While its great your such a loving person, you need to stop giving her money. If she is bad with money then shes wasting what you give her. Giving her it enables her to always have a source. She needs to figure things out on her own and learn to spend her money right. You posted enough to show you've tried to help but they don't care about fixing their income right. Buying cigs, cable...etc need to be cut.

My mother drinks alot and I stoped giving her extra money (outside of rent). My wife and I feel its the proper thing to do. We've been patient before and kind. But there comes a point when you have to realize helping people has its limits. I don't know your situation but do they have more then you? Like more phones, cable..etc? If they do then you are are the one technically with not alot.

Are they christian? If so then let God deal with them. If they are not christian they let them figure things out on their own. You showed them Gods love and they took it and abused your charity for them. If they get upset just be honest. Tell them you feel like your money is being wasted on things that are not of importance. The fact they waste the money, let their kids starve and use you is crossing a line.

Hopefully they will get back on track. If you wanted to, and its totally up to you, I'd contact job and family services (its name be different by you) and tell them you think the kids are being neglected. They will come in and ask them questions and what not. I know it seems harsh but if the parents value "Stuff" more than feeding their kids, then the kids shouldn't be there.

Again its up to you. I regret some people I did not turn in, in the past. The ones I have turned in had their kids taken away and now live with a wonderful family. You could always leave this as a last step of course.

 

[MayMcFlurry]

I agree, contact social services. Don't fight this battle on your own.

 

[Aino]

I agree with the above poster, contact child protective services. Maybe it's possible to do it anonymously so they won't have to find out about it. It seems like any help a friend can offer helps. The authorities might be able to give them a better wake-up call and help them help themselves.

 

[Goodbook]

Say no and pray for her children.
If the children are coming to you its ok to treat them but DO NOT give money to the parents.

 

[Goodbook]

The line is in the bible...

If anyone fails to provide for their own household they are worse than in infidel.

See 1 timothy 5:8

Pray for their salvation.
We are to do good to the household of faith , they obviously dont belong to the faith. See Galatians 6:10

 

[mina]

I would not give her money and would contact CPS because she's not feeding her children. You can do that anon , although she might guess that it is you. It might be a harsh wake up call for her. If I felt led; I would bring food to them; but not money.

 

[Kit Sigmon]

Hello everyone, I am new to this forum and I was hoping to get some advice.

I have a friend, let's call her Jill. Jill has a husband and three school-age children. Jill is the sole breadwinner and makes enough money to theoretically pay for all of the "needs" in her household, and some of the "wants." Jill is a horribly irresponsible with her income - she never pays bills when they are due and she spends that money on clothes, alcohol, cigarettes, eating out, etc. Her kids often go hungry but she and her husband always have alcohol and cigarettes. They have cable with HBO and other "added" channels, NetFlix, Amazon Prime, and 4 of the 5 members of the household have cell phones.

I am by no means rich but I do okay and I often feel bad if I am at Jill's house and there is no food and the kids complain of being hungry. I often give her money for groceries, more recently taking her to the store (she has no car) to ensure the $ I give her will be used for food for the kids.

Questions:
Am I an enabler by giving her $ when I know she *could* afford what she needs if she stops spending irresponsibly?
Do I stop giving her money and let the kids go hungry?
Jill don't need your money, she has money that she spends unwisely and you have talked to her about budgeting and she refuses to do it...that is her fault not yours.
Should the children go hungry? No of course not.
Should you feed her children on a continual basis? no.


Sometimes I feel like God *might* be telling me to give her money - how do I know if this is from God or from me just being nice and feeling bad? I do have a history of being "too nice" and not saying no when I supposedly should.
When do I say no?
*Today* is the day to say: "No more money Jill" you spend yours unwisely and allow your children to go hungry.
I have been loaning you money/feeding your children for some time now.
This is going to stop today!
I have talked to you more than once about budgeting etc....and you refuse to do that, if you won't do right by your children, you put me in the position of reporting your actions to Child Protection Services.
Jill, the ball is in your court, will you do right by your children? will you let me help you to make a suitable budget or connect you with someone else who can help you?"


I care about her and her family, but she WILL NOT budget and WILL NOT cut back on unnecessary expenses to make sure her children's needs are met. I have suggested budgeting and offered to help her budget but she just won't do it.

I appreciate any advice. I genuinely don't mind and actually want to help others but I feel like I am not helping but enabling and that I am also being taken advantage of. Where do I know where that line is?
When that person(s) refuses to do right by they own children...the children going hungry because they parents aren't doing right.

I should also add that sometimes she asks to "borrow" money but she rarely pays me back in full or at all, and sometimes I feel like she tells me she needs money to see if I will offer it to her without her asking. Sometimes I also just give her $ or bring over groceries when I feel led by God.

Sorry this is so long and thank you so much for reading!

I would also encourage you to seek counseling and learn to curb the enabling.
You see, you a caring woman and that not a bad thing but you see, it is easy to get caught up in a situation and do too much.
I read somewhere awhile back that help doesn't hinder, it should empower the person in need to be able to do better for themselves and they family.
Enabling "allows" the person who needs help to continue doing the same wrong stuff that got them in trouble to start with...like what be happening with you and your friend Jill.

 

[turkle]

I agree that it would be wise for you to get counseling for your enabling and inability to say no. Typically, while enablers are very kind hearted, the real reason they enable people when they KNOW they are harming them is because they want to feel better about themselves.

If you've ever justified your behavior by using phrases such as "I know I shouldn't, but I'd feel terrible if..." or "I couldn't bear it if I didn't give money and ....", then your motivation is most likely self centered. That behavior is harmful. In this case, you are stocking the liquor cabinet of neglectful parents. How can that be a good thing?

I would tell the lady that she should not expect any more money from me, and if I hear that her kids have missed another meal, I will be reporting it. She is unapologetically harming her children, and by enabling her, you are a participant. It's time to do the right thing and stand up to her. I wish you well.