Advice please. I'm at my wits end!

[Rainbow71]

Hello, this is my very 1st post and so please forgive me if I am not up to speed with the forum etiquite.
I need some serious advice please.
The background is this... my darling
Husband has schizophrenia and has suffered a relapse. He has been very ill since October. Our son and my mom have been totally supportive. Also we have a great pastor and mental health professionals who are taking care of us both mentally and spiritually. The problem is with my husband's parents. They are aware of his relapse. He told them himself, and all he got in reply was "oh dear, well we've had flu". That was in Oct last year. They never sent a gift at xmas time. They never even called. She called at New years to tell us off for not calling her and got angry when I wouldn't let her speak to him, which was his choice not mine. She doesn't realise I have to watch him 24/7 in case he tries to kill himself. I have no time for anyone apart from his constant care. She could call us it's a two way street! Now she has called 6 weeks later, not to talk to him but to have a moan that we haven't called her and she's been unwell with a cold. Its always about HER. Never a thought about what he is going through! He's been off work and so money is tight, he's been suicidal, and the voices are screaming at him to go jump off a bridge! And she wants to talk about her flu! She never respects the fact that he can't deal with her right now. You see he was abused physically and mentally as a child and the voices are his parents voices. He is terrified they will hurt him again. Ive reassured him that will never happen but the voices tell him differently.
We have also just found out that he has treatment resistant schizophrenia and so finding a new medication will mean hospitalization as he has tried 5 different meds up to date and nothing is working. I can't deal with her and her little tantrums at the moment, she will have to wait. I want to tell her to stop being so selfish and to go away and leave him alone forever! But it's not my place. I also want to shake her and ask her why she is still so cruel to the most gentle and caring and loving person I've ever met. He forgives her time after time and she still behaves so badly. Please help. What do i do? She sent a text demanding answers but he doesn't want to talk to her. I write wrote her 3 letters but ended up throwing them away as all I did was vent and i was cruel. I wanted to hurt her like she hurts him. But I'm a Christian and I couldn't be so cruel.
I'm so sorry this is so long and a bit muddled up but that's how I feel at the moment. Any advice will be greatfully received. Yours in faith Rainbow x

 

[joshua 1 9]

Hello, this is my very 1st post and so please forgive me if I am not up to speed with the forum etiquite.
I need some serious advice please.
The background is this... my darling
Husband has schizophrenia and has suffered a relapse. He has been very ill since October. Our son and my mom have been totally supportive. Also we have a great pastor and mental health professionals who are taking care of us both mentally and spiritually. The problem is with my husband's parents. They are aware of his relapse. He told them himself, and all he got in reply was "oh dear, well we've had flu". That was in Oct last year. They never sent a gift at xmas time. They never even called. She called at New years to tell us off for not calling her and got angry when I wouldn't let her speak to him, which was his choice not mine. She doesn't realise I have to watch him 24/7 in case he tries to kill himself. I have no time for anyone apart from his constant care. She could call us it's a two way street! Now she has called 6 weeks later, not to talk to him but to have a moan that we haven't called her and she's been unwell with a cold. Its always about HER. Never a thought about what he is going through! He's been off work and so money is tight, he's been suicidal, and the voices are screaming at him to go jump off a bridge! And she wants to talk about her flu! She never respects the fact that he can't deal with her right now. You see he was abused physically and mentally as a child and the voices are his parents voices. He is terrified they will hurt him again. Ive reassured him that will never happen but the voices tell him differently.
We have also just found out that he has treatment resistant schizophrenia and so finding a new medication will mean hospitalization as he has tried 5 different meds up to date and nothing is working. I can't deal with her and her little tantrums at the moment, she will have to wait. I want to tell her to stop being so selfish and to go away and leave him alone forever! But it's not my place. I also want to shake her and ask her why she is still so cruel to the most gentle and caring and loving person I've ever met. He forgives her time after time and she still behaves so badly. Please help. What do i do? She sent a text demanding answers but he doesn't want to talk to her. I write wrote her 3 letters but ended up throwing them away as all I did was vent and i was cruel. I wanted to hurt her like she hurts him. But I'm a Christian and I couldn't be so cruel.
I'm so sorry this is so long and a bit muddled up but that's how I feel at the moment. Any advice will be greatfully received. Yours in faith Rainbow x

Nothing is impossible for God. He will cause all things to work out for the best. He is always there for us no matter what trouble we are going though. Just trust everything to God even when things do not go the way we want them to, He still has a plan for us. Good his parents stay away, sounds like they cause more problems then what they are able to do anything to help.

 

[PropheticTimes]

Hi Rainbow,

I'm sorry about your husband, I will be praying for him. I'm also sorry about your situation. Sometimes life is draining on us and when you have a family member who just doesn't "get it", it can feel like someone has thrown a 2-ton boulder on your back.

I don't know about your family dynamics, but is it possible for you to cut off communication with her, even if for a while? Tell her you need to focus on her son and YOURself for a while. You need to sink into the support you have, and into prayer.

I know it seems cruel, but it is of utmost importance right now that you have as little negativity around as possible.

 

[Rainbow71]

Nothing is impossible for God. He will cause all things to work out for the best. He is always there for us no matter what trouble we are going though. Just trust everything to God even when things do not go the way we want them to, He still has a plan for us. Good his parents stay away, sounds like they cause more problems then what they are able to do anything to help.

Thank you for your reply ❤

 

[4x4toy]

Hello, this is my very 1st post and so please forgive me if I am not up to speed with the forum etiquite.
I need some serious advice please.
The background is this... my darling
Husband has schizophrenia and has suffered a relapse. He has been very ill since October. Our son and my mom have been totally supportive. Also we have a great pastor and mental health professionals who are taking care of us both mentally and spiritually. The problem is with my husband's parents. They are aware of his relapse. He told them himself, and all he got in reply was "oh dear, well we've had flu". That was in Oct last year. They never sent a gift at xmas time. They never even called. She called at New years to tell us off for not calling her and got angry when I wouldn't let her speak to him, which was his choice not mine. She doesn't realise I have to watch him 24/7 in case he tries to kill himself. I have no time for anyone apart from his constant care. She could call us it's a two way street! Now she has called 6 weeks later, not to talk to him but to have a moan that we haven't called her and she's been unwell with a cold. Its always about HER. Never a thought about what he is going through! He's been off work and so money is tight, he's been suicidal, and the voices are screaming at him to go jump off a bridge! And she wants to talk about her flu! She never respects the fact that he can't deal with her right now. You see he was abused physically and mentally as a child and the voices are his parents voices. He is terrified they will hurt him again. Ive reassured him that will never happen but the voices tell him differently.
We have also just found out that he has treatment resistant schizophrenia and so finding a new medication will mean hospitalization as he has tried 5 different meds up to date and nothing is working. I can't deal with her and her little tantrums at the moment, she will have to wait. I want to tell her to stop being so selfish and to go away and leave him alone forever! But it's not my place. I also want to shake her and ask her why she is still so cruel to the most gentle and caring and loving person I've ever met. He forgives her time after time and she still behaves so badly. Please help. What do i do? She sent a text demanding answers but he doesn't want to talk to her. I write wrote her 3 letters but ended up throwing them away as all I did was vent and i was cruel. I wanted to hurt her like she hurts him. But I'm a Christian and I couldn't be so cruel.
I'm so sorry this is so long and a bit muddled up but that's how I feel at the moment. Any advice will be greatfully received. Yours in faith Rainbow x

I'm no expert on these matters but ask your mother in law for money every time she contacts you if she is the problem .. Make sure your husband is in on it as a harmless joke, could be hillarious during dark times .. May our Lord Jesus grant you peace and healing ..Your mother in law too ..

 

[gym_class_hero]

God bless you

 

[Rainbow71]

Hi Rainbow,

I'm sorry about your husband, I will be praying for him. I'm also sorry about your situation. Sometimes life is draining on us and when you have a family member who just doesn't "get it", it can feel like someone has thrown a 2-ton boulder on your back.

I don't know about your family dynamics, but is it possible for you to cut off communication with her, even if for a while? Tell her you need to focus on her son and YOURself for a while. You need to sink into the support you have, and into prayer.

I know it seems cruel, but it is of utmost importance right now that you have as little negativity around as possible.

You are so right about the 2 tonne boulder on my back and that she just doesn't "get it". Yes I think the way forward is to call and explain that I need to focus on him right now and she needs to back off and respect that. Thanks for your support and reply x

 

[Rainbow71]

I'm no expert on these matters but ask your mother in law for money every time she contacts you if she is the problem .. Make sure your husband is in on it as a harmless joke, could be hillarious during dark times .. May our Lord Jesus grant you peace and healing ..Your mother in law too ..

I once told her we were totally broke. No money even for grocery and we wouldn't be able to survive if it wasn't for my mom. She said "oh really? Well Dad and I are off on a months cruise to Australia next week." Honestly you couldn't make it up!

 

[PropheticTimes]

We are a family here, a community of believers who let each other know we aren't alone in our struggles.

Welcome to the family, Rainbow

 

[LaSorcia]

I'm sorry I can't address all of the issues you presented right now, but has he tried clozapine? It can sometimes be helpful when other meds don't work.

 

[Rainbow71]

We are a family here, a community of believers who let each other know we aren't alone in our struggles.

Welcome to the family, Rainbow

Thank you

 

[joshua 1 9]

You are so right about the 2 tonne boulder on my back

Matthew 11:29 "Rest for the Weary
…28 Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”…

 

[4x4toy]

I once told her we were totally broke. No money even for grocery and we wouldn't be able to survive if it wasn't for my mom. She said "oh really? Well Dad and I are off on a months cruise to Australia next week." Honestly you couldn't make it up!

She sounds like a real doozy .

 

[Rainbow71]

I'm sorry I can't address all of the issues you presented right now, but has he tried clozapine? It can sometimes be helpful when other meds don't work.

Hi thanks for the suggestion, yes Clozapine is next on the list to try. Hopefully he will start treatment on the 23rd. Horrid side-effects but he'll be closely monitored. And as a first generation drug that's still in use over 40+ years later we are very hopeful. Thanks for your support x

 

[friend of]

Really sorry to hear about that. I'm not sure I can offer any practical advice here, other than to say that your pain is dear to my heart as one who suffered (continues to) suffer from schizophrenia. The mental condition is horrible because it's like there are 3 voices in the head of a schizophrenic: 1 is God; 2 is the devil; 3 is you, only you can't seem to differentiate which voice is which, and often times the messages one receives in their heads bear certain outcomes if you dwell on them. Since we live in the present moment, it's sometimes impossible to know where those messages will lead us in our thought-life and action-life. This makes us doubt ourselves even more, and fills us with a fear that we cannot even trust our own minds for a place of rest and refuge.

Not being able to communicate how we feel with relatives, who are supposed to be our closest confidants in this life, on account their self-contentedness is a bitter reality. If you know that your husband's voices are the voices of his own parents, and that he was abused by them in the past, then perhaps the next step is to cut ties with them completely. This is a bitter reality but one that must be confronted. Make a stand, set boundaries, do not compromise those boundaries in the heat of emotional interaction.

Pray! God bless you!

 

[Rainbow71]

Really sorry to hear about that. I'm not sure I can offer any practical advice here, other than to say that your pain is dear to my heart as one who suffered (continues to) suffer from schizophrenia. The mental condition is horrible because it's like there are 3 voices in the head of a schizophrenic: 1 is God; 2 is the devil; 3 is you, only you can't seem to differentiate which voice is which, and often times the messages one receives in their heads bear certain outcomes if you dwell on them. Since we live in the present moment, it's sometimes impossible to know where those messages will lead us in our thought-life and action-life. This makes us doubt ourselves even more, and fills us with a fear that we cannot even trust our own minds for a place of rest and refuge.

Not being able to communicate how we feel with relatives, who are supposed to be our closest confidants in this life, on account their self-contentedness is a bitter reality. If you know that your husband's voices are the voices of his own parents, and that he was abused by them in the past, then perhaps the next step is to cut ties with them completely. This is a bitter reality but one that must be confronted. Make a stand, set boundaries, do not compromise those boundaries in the heat of emotional interaction.

Pray! God bless you!

I am so sorry to hear of your struggles. Yes I totally understand the 3 way pull between God/Good and Evil/Devil and his own thoughts and feelings. It must be horrendous to have that in your head 24/7 and never to be able to switch it off. Hubby says when he is well he can turn the volume down on the voices but they are always there. It's a terrible illness. I totally understand what you said about holding back emotionally from loved ones. Sometimes he comes across as being distant or cold but he tells me that's because he wants to protect me from them. Yes I think he needs to cut them out of his life completely. Then he will start to heal, only problem is that has to come from him and he's in no fit state to do that right now.
Thanks for the insight you shared. And your support. In fact I want to thank everyone for their help, support and love. I am overwhelmed. Thank you ❤

 

[Godlovesmetwo]

Its always about HER.

Just reminds me of a number of people I met in the journey of life. Not that I am immune to selfishness but still.

 

[~Anastasia~]

Lord have mercy. I'm praying for you and for your husband! God bless you for taking care of him, and I wonder if you can get a break to take of yourself, recharge JUST a bit, to keep you strong? And I'm glad you have the support of your parents, pastor, and medical care.

Now, with that ...

I'm going to give you my honest impressions, but of course I may be wrong. Just something to think about.

I've known people who are so self-absorbed they are just oblivious to other people's needs or problems. Those kinds of people - well, if you give them a VERY direct statement (not a bad idea to write it out before you try to tell them) ... they may in rare cases wake up to reality. But I'm just saying this as a possibility. I'm not so sure that's what it sounds like.

If his parents abused him as a child, to the point that he is dealing with stuff like this now, it's possible the problems are deeper. I also know people who thrive on drama, who make everything about themselves, and who deliberately hurt others in the process. I don't know her heart (and maybe you don't either, I don't mean that in an offensive sense) but if she could say something like this ...

I once told her we were totally broke. No money even for grocery and we wouldn't be able to survive if it wasn't for my mom. She said "oh really? Well Dad and I are off on a months cruise to Australia next week." Honestly you couldn't make it up!

Then it seems like more than just being dense.

Bottom line, you are unlikely to change her. And also, you are dealing with a very stressful situation, and you need to take care of yourself and your family, not open yourself to being torn down so much that you fail yourself and your husband. (I actually doubt that would happen, but it COULD affect your health in the long term, or something like that.)

I've been in a somewhat similar situation. There were differences. But I did have to take a strong stance with someone who wanted to destroy my family, who might have some things in common with your mother-in-law.

I was polite, and calm, but firm. I told the person in a very matter of fact tone what the limits were. I told the person what I wouldn't accept from them, and then when they did it, I told them calmly that I must hang up if they insisted ... and then I did. A few calm hang-ups and they learned that was how things would go, and it got better.

That seems to be the best way to get the message across, and it prevents you from stirring up your feelings in a bad way. It may not solve the problems with the other person, but it takes you out of them.

And of course, because we are Christian, we are told that we must love them and forgive them. That doesn't mean you have to be subject to any abuse, or even like them. The best thing I have found is to pray for them, as well and as sincerely as you are able, and to pray to God to help you forgive. Try to see they may be acting out of hurt too. It takes time, but God will help your heart in the matter. And you can go on helping your husband.

I hope some part of this can help in some small way.

You have my prayers. God be with you and yours.

 

[sparkle123]

Given what you've said about him not being able to cut contact right now because of his illness, I would definitely go low contact. In dealing with my own mental health issues and abusive family I have found this to be extremely beneficial.

Two things I've learned: answer the phone less often and be boring when you do. Stick to talking about the weather and what you ate for dinner and then tell them you have to go, but nice talking to them. The less you give them, the less occasion for abuse. It's just accepting who they are and interacting with them accordingly. You can't trust them emotionally, so don't go there. If your husband is telling them things about his troubles then when they talk to you, play it down and change the subject. Listen to them for a bit and say you have to go. Try to keep it superficial. Find out what bores them and go with that. If they yell about you not answering enough you can play dumb, apologize, talk about the weather, say goodbye, and go back to not answering much. They will have to accept your terms (low contact) if you insist on them.

Anticipate what the response will be to less contact before it happens. Think of what you will say. Maybe something like "Ok, well, I've got to go, I've got to clean these litter boxes" or cook dinner, or whatever. And then hang up. Whatever you say about why you are suddenly busy, just don't make it a big lie. I always say I'm very busy at work, making dinner, taking care of pets, going out with friends, cleaning, church, etc. I base it in the truth. If there are complaints I just say sorry but I don't make myself more available. There are a lot of good books on boundaries by Christian authors you can read (Cloud and Townsend have a good series). You should also talk to your husbands treatment team about this, and encourage him to do the same when he's stabilized. I got a lot of help from a good therapist in taking control of the situation with my abusive family. Hope this helps. No contact is easier, but I understand it's not always possible. You and your husband are in my prayers.

 

[Jaxxi]

Hello, this is my very 1st post and so please forgive me if I am not up to speed with the forum etiquite.
I need some serious advice please.
The background is this... my darling
Husband has schizophrenia and has suffered a relapse. He has been very ill since October. Our son and my mom have been totally supportive. Also we have a great pastor and mental health professionals who are taking care of us both mentally and spiritually. The problem is with my husband's parents. They are aware of his relapse. He told them himself, and all he got in reply was "oh dear, well we've had flu". That was in Oct last year. They never sent a gift at xmas time. They never even called. She called at New years to tell us off for not calling her and got angry when I wouldn't let her speak to him, which was his choice not mine. She doesn't realise I have to watch him 24/7 in case he tries to kill himself. I have no time for anyone apart from his constant care. She could call us it's a two way street! Now she has called 6 weeks later, not to talk to him but to have a moan that we haven't called her and she's been unwell with a cold. Its always about HER. Never a thought about what he is going through! He's been off work and so money is tight, he's been suicidal, and the voices are screaming at him to go jump off a bridge! And she wants to talk about her flu! She never respects the fact that he can't deal with her right now. You see he was abused physically and mentally as a child and the voices are his parents voices. He is terrified they will hurt him again. Ive reassured him that will never happen but the voices tell him differently.
We have also just found out that he has treatment resistant schizophrenia and so finding a new medication will mean hospitalization as he has tried 5 different meds up to date and nothing is working. I can't deal with her and her little tantrums at the moment, she will have to wait. I want to tell her to stop being so selfish and to go away and leave him alone forever! But it's not my place. I also want to shake her and ask her why she is still so cruel to the most gentle and caring and loving person I've ever met. He forgives her time after time and she still behaves so badly. Please help. What do i do? She sent a text demanding answers but he doesn't want to talk to her. I write wrote her 3 letters but ended up throwing them away as all I did was vent and i was cruel. I wanted to hurt her like she hurts him. But I'm a Christian and I couldn't be so cruel.
I'm so sorry this is so long and a bit muddled up but that's how I feel at the moment. Any advice will be greatfully received. Yours in faith Rainbow x

You have every right to protect your husbands fragile state and being a Christian isnt about being sweet and nice or getting walked on by people all the time- its also about truth and maybe she needs to hear it right now. Ive found that when I need to be blunt or harsh with someone, it is much less confrontational to begin with phrases like "With all due respect", or, " Please dont take this too personal," or, "please hear me out because I dont mean to be rude or disrespectful but...."and then speak your mind. If it comes out harsh, Oh well! This isnt about her, and your husband is living a nightmare- also understand that she doesnt have the capacity to love him like your mother may have loved you all of your life and she never has. She is a toxic person and shes done enough damage. Maybe you should just cut her loose and keep her out of his head as much as possible. Dont even mention her to him. He doesnt need her- hes got you to show him what love is. He needs a med to quiet those voices though. You may only speak to her once in awhile, but his reality is talking to her everyday.