Advice please. I'm at my wits end!

[Godlovesmetwo]

"With all due respect", or, " Please dont take this too personal," or, "please hear me out because I dont mean to be rude or disrespectful but...."

I know these phrases do soften communication and show more respect but these days I find them annoying.
I feel like saying, "just get to the point". In fact their potential for satire is high.....
"Please don't take this too personal, but you're an idiot."
I ddint mean you, Jaxxi by the way

 

[Rainbow71]

Lord have mercy. I'm praying for you and for your husband! God bless you for taking care of him, and I wonder if you can get a break to take of yourself, recharge JUST a bit, to keep you strong? And I'm glad you have the support of your parents, pastor, and medical care.

Now, with that ...

I'm going to give you my honest impressions, but of course I may be wrong. Just something to think about.

I've known people who are so self-absorbed they are just oblivious to other people's needs or problems. Those kinds of people - well, if you give them a VERY direct statement (not a bad idea to write it out before you try to tell them) ... they may in rare cases wake up to reality. But I'm just saying this as a possibility. I'm not so sure that's what it sounds like.

If his parents abused him as a child, to the point that he is dealing with stuff like this now, it's possible the problems are deeper. I also know people who thrive on drama, who make everything about themselves, and who deliberately hurt others in the process. I don't know her heart (and maybe you don't either, I don't mean that in an offensive sense) but if she could say something like this ...



Then it seems like more than just being dense.

Bottom line, you are unlikely to change her. And also, you are dealing with a very stressful situation, and you need to take care of yourself and your family, not open yourself to being torn down so much that you fail yourself and your husband. (I actually doubt that would happen, but it COULD affect your health in the long term, or something like that.)

I've been in a somewhat similar situation. There were differences. But I did have to take a strong stance with someone who wanted to destroy my family, who might have some things in common with your mother-in-law.

I was polite, and calm, but firm. I told the person in a very matter of fact tone what the limits were. I told the person what I wouldn't accept from them, and then when they did it, I told them calmly that I must hang up if they insisted ... and then I did. A few calm hang-ups and they learned that was how things would go, and it got better.

That seems to be the best way to get the message across, and it prevents you from stirring up your feelings in a bad way. It may not solve the problems with the other person, but it takes you out of them.

And of course, because we are Christian, we are told that we must love them and forgive them. That doesn't mean you have to be subject to any abuse, or even like them. The best thing I have found is to pray for them, as well and as sincerely as you are able, and to pray to God to help you forgive. Try to see they may be acting out of hurt too. It takes time, but God will help your heart in the matter. And you can go on helping your husband.

I hope some part of this can help in some small way.

You have my prayers. God be with you and yours.

I want to thank you so much for your reply. I read all of them to my husband today. We both commented that total strangers cared more than his parents! Today she has gone one step further and sent me a very rude text message. And comparing my parenting skills to hers! And demanding to talk. She also said she has done nothing wrong! Oh my goodness!!! This woman just refuses to admit she was abusive and is still manipulative and cruel. I still don't know what the final outcome will be BUT I do know I am not going to jump to her tune! I am Sooooooooo thankful for all the love and support and prayers as well as the advice. I especially liked when someone said being a Christian is about truth. Thank you also to the person who said that yes we have to forgive and love that person but we don't have to like them. Perfect observation! We are going to have to pray harder for her and for us to do the right thing. Even if it means total loss of contact. She is also very anti-church which is hard for us too. When my husband joined the church she kicked him out!

Anyway I promise I will leave an update when we decide on a course of action. Thanks again to EVERYONE XX
love Rainbow and Mr Rainbow x❤❤❤❤❤

 

[Rainbow71]

I know these phrases do soften communication and show more respect but these days I find them annoying.
I feel like saying, "just get to the point". In fact their potential for satire is high.....
"Please don't take this too personal, but you're an idiot."
I ddint mean you, Jaxxi by the way

Lol I had a really good laugh thanks I feel loads better x

 

[~Anastasia~]

I want to thank you so much for your reply. I read all of them to my husband today. We both commented that total strangers cared more than his parents! Today she has gone one step further and sent me a very rude text message. And comparing my parenting skills to hers! And demanding to talk. She also said she has done nothing wrong! Oh my goodness!!! This woman just refuses to admit she was abusive and is still manipulative and cruel. I still don't know what the final outcome will be BUT I do know I am not going to jump to her tune! I am Sooooooooo thankful for all the love and support and prayers as well as the advice. I especially liked when someone said being a Christian is about truth. Thank you also to the person who said that yes we have to forgive and love that person but we don't have to like them. Perfect observation! We are going to have to pray harder for her and for us to do the right thing. Even if it means total loss of contact. She is also very anti-church which is hard for us too. When my husband joined the church she kicked him out!

Anyway I promise I will leave an update when we decide on a course of action. Thanks again to EVERYONE XX
love Rainbow and Mr Rainbow x❤❤❤❤❤

Please do keep us updated.

Oh, and by the way - I was so focused on your situation that I completely forgot to notice that you are new to CF, so - welcome! We are glad you have joined us, and I pray we can be a blessing to you, and you to us. God gave Christians to each other and called us a "body" for a reason!

So please, I don't mean for you to feel obligated, especially since you have a lot on your plate, but we have a lot of forum areas, and I hope you can find fellowship and support here in whatever might suit you. Feel free to have a look around, and if you need any help or have questions, let us know - we are happy to help.

Please do keep us updated so that we can continue to pray for you and your family. God be with you all!

 

[Rainbow71]

Hi all.
I thought I'd give you an update. Yesterday was a day from hell!! We were inundated with calls on the home phone and my mobile/cell phone. Then I received this message...

 

[Rainbow71]

I can't believe they say they have done nothing wrong!!! Who beat him? Who mentally abused him? Who wouldn't even speak to him when he visited? Who told her friends she only had one son and cut my husband out of her life? Who told him your mom-in-law is your mom now, She can have you? Who told him when he called after 10 years of no contact she was too busy to talk!!? He didn't push his own head through a plate glass window! It reminded me of Pontius Pilate washing his hands! Hubby was sooo upset then we got this message...

 

[Rainbow71]

How could she blackmail him like that!!! Make him even more scared to leave the house and of people? He said he felt sick and scared and the voice parents were screaming abuse at him. And that the only way to stop from seeing his flesh parents was to kill himself! He's already suicidal he doesn't need this. I fought my own demons very hard not to tell her some home truths and make he feel the way she makes him feel. But I will NOT become her! So I sent her this reply...

 

[Rainbow71]

She sent this back...

 

[Rainbow71]

Kindly pass on our love!?? Who is she kidding? That's not love that's manipulative bullying!! And all about HER. But at least I've convinced him that she's not going to visit. Please God she won't. It was very hard praying for her. I almost didn't but like we are taught in the good book we have to forgive everybody. My only hope is that on the day of judgement I have front row seats when she has to explain about what they did to my man!!! And how dare she talk about our relationship with our son? He was so upset when we told him. He said come stay with me a few days. And he's at school! My mom was horrified! And both of them wanted to call her up and tell her some home truths. But the most positive thing to come from all this is my hubby said when he is well enough he's going to tell he how out of line she was and he never to do that again!!! Yippee ❤ he's finally standing up to her, even if not quite yet.
Thanks again everyone and I'm sorry for how I posted but I didn't understand how to do it all in one post. X

 

[Godlovesmetwo]

If she only knew how many people were reading her texts

 

[Rainbow71]

If she only knew how many people were reading her texts

l never thought of that, but yeah you're right thanks for cheering me up

 

[~Anastasia~]

Just remember that you don't HAVE to do anything. You are in the situation, and you are the best judge of what is in your husband's best interest.

If the texts do nothing but upset him, and serve no purpose except to heap on abuse, you don't have to pass them on. In some circumstances, it is acceptable to protect your family in this way.

I would respond to her, politely, and give her whatever information you feel is suitable. It's reasonable to ask her to respect your wishes for decreased contact. Even better, you might tell her when you will next update her (three days or whatever you think is reasonable) - then if she demands updates before that time, you can remind her of your terms and ignore further attempts.

What I'm trying to say is that I would not ignore her, I would give her information, but then you set the terms of contact. And stick to them. You may remind her once or twice, but don't let her push you into "reminding her" twenty times a day.

Saying she will drop by unannounced (and if she demands to see your husband, etc.) sounds threatening and as if she is trying to take control of the situation. I hope she has backed off since you texted her. But after your reasonable updates to her, you should feel comfortable controlling the situation.

Remember that if it is necessary, you don't have to let her in, and if it is truly necessary you can call the police and/or get a restraining order, but it sounds to me as if having such a stressful altercation at your home would be devastating for your husband's mental health, so best avoided. If he is truly fearful, maybe it is best to stay somewhere else? But my guess is that the best thing you could do is to firmly take control of the situation and prevent unwanted contact from infringing on your day. That includes being inundated with calls. Ideally you could prevent her from making them, but if that doesn't happen you could tell her here's your update, I'll update you again in two days, please don't call again before then as it stresses your husband, and if she does, remind her that you asked and tell her you are muting her ringer or whatever you can do to prevent the intrusion, and do it.

Sorry - too many words. I want to help. Basically, you need to be in charge, set limits, and enforce them. Giving her some kind of update will make you the reasonable one and not give her future ammo for drama, btw, and is also the loving thing to do before God. But you in no way have to accept abuse or bullying, and have every right and indeed responsibility to protect your husband. It sounds like not letting her get away with anything at all is the quickest way to regain sanity and control in the situation, so you will need to be firm about setting limits and controlling what goes on.

My prayers for you. God be with you both.

 

[faroukfarouk]

I'm sorry I can't address all of the issues you presented right now, but has he tried clozapine? It can sometimes be helpful when other meds don't work.

I think I knew someone on clozapine; can't remember who.

 

[Rainbow71]

hellI all.
Thought I'd give you an update. Dear hubby is now in hospital. What a terrible place. It's like something you'd see on the TV only worse because he is in there for real not on a show. I was heart broken saying goodbye to him last night. All I wanted to do was scoop him up and bring him home. The visiting hours are so restrictive. How will he cope? He's like my shadow, I always have to be in eyesight or he panics. This is breaking my heart. Please God this medication will work and he'll be well enough to come home. I know there will never be a cure but it's a manageable condition. I pray there will be a cure one day. I know he'll be well again in Heaven but that's a long way away I hope.

 

[Rainbow71]

Ooops sorry auto correct spelt helll not hello!

 

[PropheticTimes]

I'm sorry to hear that I have been in those places, they are difficult to be in but stay strong, they will get his meds straightened out and it will be ok. You are both in my prayers.

 

[~Anastasia~]

I'm sorry it has come to that but I hope he receives care that will make this more manageable, and be home soon. In the meantime, I know it probably sounds trite, and it probably stresses you, but try to take some advantage of the situation to relax just a little, if you can, so that you will be more rested when he is able to return home.

You both have my prayers.

 

[Greg J.]

I suggest you write a letter to his parents, and take a long time to do so, so you can remove anger, backlash, and perhaps all emotion from it. I am actually thinking in terms of a postal letter on paper, not an email (although perhaps printed out by your computer). Write a letter of facts, including facts from your husband's perspective. Include things like the stories where they were not compassionate, but only thought of themselves. Tell them he has suffered abuse by them and doesn't want to see them, etc. Explain that you are overloaded and aren't responding because it is too much to handle, etc.

Basically, lay out all the truth you wish they understood. If you can, vent everything you can, except with concrete facts, and removing accusatory and condemning style later.

Recognize that they are not likely to change and that you can't get them to change—and it is not your business that they change or not. I think you are handling them pretty well. Not communicating is sometimes the best way to deal harmful with people. Also, if you think they are going to not believe you about what you write about your husband, write a letter for your husband and have him understand the content and if he agrees, sign it. Him handwriting it out might be better. I am presuming that writing a truthful, factual, non-accusing letter would be too difficult for him, but it might not be too harmful to him if you simply ask him to verify whether you are expressing facts correctly.

They are writing to you as if you are at fault for something. It seems like you are going too far to try to not hurt their feelings. Being polite is your responsibility, but so is being truthful. If you are gracious, how the truth affects them is not your responsibility (and is impossible for you to control). You could include requests at the end of your letter of what you want/need from them.

It might be hard for you to write out such a long letter knowing how it might impact them. It would be a great help if you had a close friend to help you write it or to at least preview it before you send it. Don't let anything be in the letter that might cause legal problems, such as things that might imply your inability to care for him, etc.

 

[Rainbow71]

I suggest you write a letter to his parents, and take a long time to do so, so you can remove anger, backlash, and perhaps all emotion from it. I am actually thinking in terms of a postal letter on paper, not an email (although perhaps printed out by your computer). Write a letter of facts, including facts from your husband's perspective. Include things like the stories where they were not compassionate, but only thought of themselves. Tell them he has suffered abuse by them and doesn't want to see them, etc. Explain that you are overloaded and aren't responding because it is too much to handle, etc.

Basically, lay out all the truth you wish they understood. If you can, vent everything you can, except with concrete facts, and removing accusatory and condemning style later.

Recognize that they are not likely to change and that you can't get them to change—and it is not your business that they change or not. I think you are handling them pretty well. Not communicating is sometimes the best way to deal harmful with people. Also, if you think they are going to not believe you about what you write about your husband, write a letter for your husband and have him understand the content and if he agrees, sign it. Him handwriting it out might be better. I am presuming that writing a truthful, factual, non-accusing letter would be too difficult for him, but it might not be too harmful to him if you simply ask him to verify whether you are expressing facts correctly.

They are writing to you as if you are at fault for something. It seems like you are going too far to try to not hurt their feelings. Being polite is your responsibility, but so is being truthful. If you are gracious, how the truth affects them is not your responsibility (and is impossible for you to control). You could include requests at the end of your letter of what you want/need from them.

It might be hard for you to write out such a long letter knowing how it might impact them. It would be a great help if you had a close friend to help you write it or to at least preview it before you send it. Don't let anything be in the letter that might cause legal problems, such as things that might imply your inability to care for him, etc.

Thank you Greg J. We are going to take your advice and write the letter. My Mom who is a councillor said she will read it before we send it with her "councillor hat on" rather than as my Mom
My husband is ready to write it himself which is great news and I'll be typist and help. I want it to be his words not mine hence his writing it not just me.
I totally agree about sticking to the facts and not getting to emotionally uptight. And yes you are right it is up to us to be polite but not our fault if they take offence. Truth is truth whether it hurts or not.
Thanks again for the advice.
Rainbow and Mr Rainbow x