Advice for your newlywed self

[Katya123]

Hi everyone, I'm new here. I got married at a young age and I've been married to my husband for 7 years now. When we celebrated our 7th anniversary, I started thinking back on our first years of marriage. We barely had any premarital counseling, and boy did we feel it.

We both have struggled with porn. I stopped watching 5 years ago, and my husband earlier this year after a hard battle with lots of tears and me loving him through the times he fell.

I was controlling at the beginning of our marriage, because I knew it all right? We (mostly I) would argue for so long, and not get anywhere. And when we would give up, fall on our knees and pray Jesus would somehow bring peace in the midst of an ugly storm.

We've struggled with sex. At first he was not satisfied because my sex drive plummeted when we just got married (thanks a lot hormonal birth control). Then I was unsatisfied when he was too tired after getting a new job.

We have had a hard time communicating, he was very reserved and did not open up about anything, while I was very opinionated and always right. So by me saying what I thought and what we had to do, he would just agree to 'keep the peace', and we just grew apart more and more.

I am very happy to say that now our marriage is better than ever. We have both overcome porn addictions, have both faced our weaknesses head on (and still are in a few aspects) and are communicating well, we are open and honest about everything and we're not struggling with sex anymore. God answers prayers.

If I could tell my newly married self one thing it would be: "Get help either from other couples or in counseling. It won't always be easy, but it is so worth it! Don't let pride get in your way of seeking help. Every couple faces challenges. You don't need to be ashamed of yours."

What were your biggest struggles your first years of marriage? And what would you advise your newlywed self?

And if you are a newlywed; struggling or wondering if you made the right decision, I want you to know one thing: you are not alone and there is always hope.

I am in a second marriage after many years and as my pastor says....the dating days are just a lie! Meaning, that they are not real life. They are you on your best behavior and him too. You are not really doing the things that make up a day- to -day marriage. it can be a rude awakening for some.....even in a second marriage! We had both been on our own for awhile and set in our ways. My number one piece of advice to myself would be COMMUNICATION!!!! Gosh it is so important. You may find that one of you can't talk...or doesn't want to talk.....can't confront or doesn't like to confront. It can make for lots and lots of problems. Counseling is a good avenue to take if it is a problem. In all reality, even in a relationship where God is first, we will still fail each other. Learning to forgive is so important as well as saying I'm sorry. It sounds like you want an amazing and strong marriage. What a great goal! Be intentional everyday!

 

[natlyn]

I am in a second marriage after many years and as my pastor says....the dating days are just a lie! Meaning, that they are not real life. They are you on your best behavior and him too. You are not really doing the things that make up a day- to -day marriage. it can be a rude awakening for some.....even in a second marriage! We had both been on our own for awhile and set in our ways. My number one piece of advice to myself would be COMMUNICATION!!!! Gosh it is so important. You may find that one of you can't talk...or doesn't want to talk.....can't confront or doesn't like to confront. It can make for lots and lots of problems. Counseling is a good avenue to take if it is a problem. In all reality, even in a relationship where God is first, we will still fail each other. Learning to forgive is so important as well as saying I'm sorry. It sounds like you want an amazing and strong marriage. What a great goal! Be intentional everyday!

Amen to what you said about forgiveness and communication. Good communication is key in a marriage.

Edited to add: I also think that many people underestimate how important forgiveness is in a marriage. You are both human and both will fail and make mistakes. I had this idea where I thought my husband was going to be perfect, I learned my lesson pretty quickly as you might imagine.

We both are passionate about having a strong marriage where we're growing with Jesus every day and where we'll still be staring full of love and passion at each other 20-30 and even 40 years from now. It hurts my heart to see that in many churches (where we've been), people seem more like roommates than lovers, more like acquaintances than best friends.

I mean, we have Jesus, whom the world does not have, so I feel like we're supposed to have marriages that the world can only dream about. Marriages that will make it indesputable that there is a God Who truely changes lives.