Advice for your newlywed self

[natlyn]

Hi everyone, I'm new here. I got married at a young age and I've been married to my husband for 7 years now. When we celebrated our 7th anniversary, I started thinking back on our first years of marriage. We barely had any premarital counseling, and boy did we feel it.

We both have struggled with inappropriate content. I stopped watching 5 years ago, and my husband earlier this year after a hard battle with lots of tears and me loving him through the times he fell.

I was controlling at the beginning of our marriage, because I knew it all right? We (mostly I) would argue for so long, and not get anywhere. And when we would give up, fall on our knees and pray Jesus would somehow bring peace in the midst of an ugly storm.

We've struggled with sex. At first he was not satisfied because my sex drive plummeted when we just got married (thanks a lot hormonal birth control). Then I was unsatisfied when he was too tired after getting a new job.

We have had a hard time communicating, he was very reserved and did not open up about anything, while I was very opinionated and always right. So by me saying what I thought and what we had to do, he would just agree to 'keep the peace', and we just grew apart more and more.

I am very happy to say that now our marriage is better than ever. We have both overcome inappropriate content addictions, have both faced our weaknesses head on (and still are in a few aspects) and are communicating well, we are open and honest about everything and we're not struggling with sex anymore. God answers prayers.

If I could tell my newly married self one thing it would be: "Get help either from other couples or in counseling. It won't always be easy, but it is so worth it! Don't let pride get in your way of seeking help. Every couple faces challenges. You don't need to be ashamed of yours."

What were your biggest struggles your first years of marriage? And what would you advise your newlywed self?

And if you are a newlywed; struggling or wondering if you made the right decision, I want you to know one thing: you are not alone and there is always hope.

 

[Sabertooth]

Advice for Your Newlywed Self

Either both or neither should eat garlic...!

Also, "Buy low, sell high..."

---------​

In all seriousness, pre-marital counseling is a good idea, but is limited in its scope. After a number of years of relative bliss, my wife developed a late-onset depression that she has yet to come out of. We live in a fallen world.

 

[mama2one]

@natlyn
great you and your husband are doing better now!

we did do the pre-marital counseling and NFP classes

we met at work and I had to quit when we married as they wouldn't let us both work there
then with my new job, we were working different shifts and hardly saw each other

so what advice would I give to my newlywed self?
maybe not work different shifts

 

[Tolworth John]

"Advice for your newlywed"
Before contemplating marriage ensure that you are communicating, that means listening if you talk a lot and talking if you're the silent type.

Go to a marriage prep class. If someone offers to marry you and doesn't insist on your attending such a class leave that church, he doesn't have your interest at heart.

Marriage means a lot of adjustments, to how one thinks, acts and lives. We need all the help we can get. Practising communicating before marriage and being held accountable to discuss issues in a class helps.

 

[natlyn]

Either both or neither should eat garlic...!

Also, "Buy low, sell high..."

---------​

In all seriousness, pre-marital counseling is a good idea, but is limited in its scope. After a number of years of relative bliss, my wife developed a late-onset depression that she has yet to come out of. We live in a fallen world.

Hahaha you're so right about the garlic! I always thought that was a myth until my husband ate something with a lot of garlic one night and I could barely give him a kiss the next day.

And I'm sorry your wife is dealing with depression. It's so hard. I hope that together with God, she'll find the tools that will help her win this battle.

 

[natlyn]

@natlyn
great you and your husband are doing better now!

we did do the pre-marital counseling and NFP classes

we met at work and I had to quit when we married as they wouldn't let us both work there
then with my new job, we were working different shifts and hardly saw each other

so what advice would I give to my newlywed self?
maybe not work different shifts

That's a good one. Time together is a vital part of building a strong marriage. Did you learn helpful tools at your pre-marital counseling that you feel really helped you in your marriage?

And how I wished I knew about NFP when we got married. I was on the pill first and then had a hormonal IUD inserted, and I had bad reactions to both. We now use NFP and I feel so much better!

 

[natlyn]

"Advice for your newlywed"
Before contemplating marriage ensure that you are communicating, that means listening if you talk a lot and talking if you're the silent type.

Go to a marriage prep class. If someone offers to marry you and doesn't insist on your attending such a class leave that church, he doesn't have your interest at heart.

Marriage means a lot of adjustments, to how one thinks, acts and lives. We need all the help we can get. Practising communicating before marriage and being held accountable to discuss issues in a class helps.

Amen to all of what you said!

The person who married us gave us a two hour "course" on marriage. He talked a lot about what the Bible says about marriage but we didn't get any practical tools to deal with the adjustment of marriage. I think he truely believes he is giving counseling, but I don't think he understands how much more a young couple needs.

I recently heard another couple talk about their pre-marital counseling and I was suprised at all the support they had before and during their marriage. Crazy huh? That made me curious to hear other's perspectives and experiences.

And you are so right. Communication is so important. We had to learn the hard way that I had to listen and that he had to open up for us to grow closer.

 

[Jon Osterman]

My wife and I had no premarital counselling, nor any after getting married. I wouldn't want strangers interfering, and most of what they say is rubbish anyway.

 

[Ana Quin]

The best piece of newly wed advice I heard in a song and goes a little like this. .
" Holla we want prenup, we want prenup yeah...
That's sumin' ya need to have"
Just joking.
Seriously though, the best newlywed advice I received was from some random person who my husband and I sat next to on the plane to our honeymoon destination.
He told us that there should be 3 people in our marriage and if we put that person first there will be no limit to our joy and happiness. I shouldn't have to say who that third person is.

 

[natlyn]

My wife and I had no premarital counselling, nor any after getting married. I wouldn't want strangers interfering, and most of what they say is rubbish anyway.

May I ask why you say that?

We were brought up in a culture where it was always said to us from a young age that if you had a problem, it was nobody's business but yours. We always had to put our best foot foreward and act like everything was perfect, even if we were almost falling appart. And that's what we did our first years.

And one more question if you don't mind, would feel the same way if it was a couple you both know well and admire their marriage?

 

[natlyn]

The best piece of newly wed advice I heard in a song and goes a little like this. .
" Holla we want prenup, we want prenup yeah...
That's sumin' ya need to have"
Just joking.
Seriously though, the best newlywed advice I received was from some random person who my husband and I sat next to on the plane to our honeymoon destination.
He told us that there should be 3 people in our marriage and if we put that person first there will be no limit to our joy and happiness. I shouldn't have to say who that third person is.

Haha you should've seenmy face when I read the part about the prenup.

But that is the best advice anyone could have given you. It took us about 2-3 years to figure out what that looks like. But when we started to live that out in our marriage things started to drastically shift. Jesus is always the answer.

 

[Deidre32]

I got married last year and so still somewhat of a newlywed, and I receive a lot of great advice from my parents and my hubs' parents, but I'd say the best advice is to talk things out, and don't lose that sense of communicating. I personally don't ever want us to take each other for granted. And keep God first.

 

[natlyn]

I got married last year and so still somewhat of a newlywed, and I receive a lot of great advice from my parents and my hubs' parents, but I'd say the best advice is to talk things out, and don't lose that sense of communicating. I personally don't ever want us to take each other for granted. And keep God first.

That's so awesome that you've got such a great support system! And you're right, keeing God first and talking things through is so important. Keeping each other as a priority helps so much.

 

[Saricharity]

I'm still a newlywed myself but I would say one of the best tips of advice I've received is from my parents. Never let the sun go down on your anger. No matter what, resolve your differences before you turn in for the evening. It is something my husband and I both have committed to abide by in our marriage.
Premarital counselling is a MUST...we learned so much about ourselves and each other during those meetings with our counsellor. It helped us determine our finances and problem-solving strategies.
We have a great support system as well. Fantastic parents and good friends.
Definitely keeping God first.
Praying and doing family devotions together.

 

[Tolworth John]

Amen to all of what you said!

The person who married us gave us a two hour "course" on marriage. He talked a lot about what the Bible says about marriage but we didn't get any practical tools to deal with the adjustment of marriage. I think he truely believes he is giving counseling, but I don't think he understands how much more a young couple needs.

I recently heard another couple talk about their pre-marital counseling and I was suprised at all the support they had before and during their marriage. Crazy huh? That made me curious to hear other's perspectives and experiences.

And you are so right. Communication is so important. We had to learn the hard way that I had to listen and that he had to open up for us to grow closer.

If you want to improve his councelling you could email him with an account of your problems/troubles etc and suggest that he uses No longer two

A very good marriage prepartion book.

 

[natlyn]

I'm still a newlywed myself but I would say one of the best tips of advice I've received is from my parents. Never let the sun go down on your anger. No matter what, resolve your differences before you turn in for the evening. It is something my husband and I both have committed to abide by in our marriage.
Premarital counselling is a MUST...we learned some much about ourselves and each other during those meetings with our counsellor. It helped us determine our finances and problem-solving strategies.
We have a great support system as well. Fantastic parents and good friends.
Definitely keeping God first.
Praying and doing family devotions together.

Your parents are so right! We've implemented that too and have had a night that we went to bed at 2am, but the fruit of solving issues and discussing things is so good. And it really helps bring both spouses closer together.
And I am so happy to read that you also have a great support system! It seems so awesome to me to know that you have a goup of people in your marriage's corner, who want to see your marriage flourish.

 

[natlyn]

If you want to improve his councelling you could email him with an account of your problems/troubles etc and suggest that he uses No longer two

A very good marriage prepartion book.

Thank you for your book recommendation. I'm going to speak to my husband and see if we'll e-mail him.

 

[Dave-W]

Premarital counseling is a MUST...we learned some much about ourselves and each other during those meetings with our counselor. It helped us determine our finances and problem-solving strategies.

Indeed. Wish such a thing was available 40 years ago. It was not even a concept back then. But it would have saved us years (maybe decades) of difficulty.

 

[Katya123]

Hi everyone, I'm new here. I got married at a young age and I've been married to my husband for 7 years now. When we celebrated our 7th anniversary, I started thinking back on our first years of marriage. We barely had any premarital counseling, and boy did we feel it.

We both have struggled with inappropriate content. I stopped watching 5 years ago, and my husband earlier this year after a hard battle with lots of tears and me loving him through the times he fell.

I was controlling at the beginning of our marriage, because I knew it all right? We (mostly I) would argue for so long, and not get anywhere. And when we would give up, fall on our knees and pray Jesus would somehow bring peace in the midst of an ugly storm.

We've struggled with sex. At first he was not satisfied because my sex drive plummeted when we just got married (thanks a lot hormonal birth control). Then I was unsatisfied when he was too tired after getting a new job.

We have had a hard time communicating, he was very reserved and did not open up about anything, while I was very opinionated and always right. So by me saying what I thought and what we had to do, he would just agree to 'keep the peace', and we just grew apart more and more.

I am very happy to say that now our marriage is better than ever. We have both overcome inappropriate content addictions, have both faced our weaknesses head on (and still are in a few aspects) and are communicating well, we are open and honest about everything and we're not struggling with sex anymore. God answers prayers.

If I could tell my newly married self one thing it would be: "Get help either from other couples or in counseling. It won't always be easy, but it is so worth it! Don't let pride get in your way of seeking help. Every couple faces challenges. You don't need to be ashamed of yours."

What were your biggest struggles your first years of marriage? And what would you advise your newlywed self?

And if you are a newlywed; struggling or wondering if you made the right decision, I want you to know one thing: you are not alone and there is always hope.

 

[Katya123]

Hi everyone, I'm new here. I got married at a young age and I've been married to my husband for 7 years now. When we celebrated our 7th anniversary, I started thinking back on our first years of marriage. We barely had any premarital counseling, and boy did we feel it.

We both have struggled with inappropriate content. I stopped watching 5 years ago, and my husband earlier this year after a hard battle with lots of tears and me loving him through the times he fell.

I was controlling at the beginning of our marriage, because I knew it all right? We (mostly I) would argue for so long, and not get anywhere. And when we would give up, fall on our knees and pray Jesus would somehow bring peace in the midst of an ugly storm.

We've struggled with sex. At first he was not satisfied because my sex drive plummeted when we just got married (thanks a lot hormonal birth control). Then I was unsatisfied when he was too tired after getting a new job.

We have had a hard time communicating, he was very reserved and did not open up about anything, while I was very opinionated and always right. So by me saying what I thought and what we had to do, he would just agree to 'keep the peace', and we just grew apart more and more.

I am very happy to say that now our marriage is better than ever. We have both overcome inappropriate content addictions, have both faced our weaknesses head on (and still are in a few aspects) and are communicating well, we are open and honest about everything and we're not struggling with sex anymore. God answers prayers.

If I could tell my newly married self one thing it would be: "Get help either from other couples or in counseling. It won't always be easy, but it is so worth it! Don't let pride get in your way of seeking help. Every couple faces challenges. You don't need to be ashamed of yours."

What were your biggest struggles your first years of marriage? And what would you advise your newlywed self?

And if you are a newlywed; struggling or wondering if you made the right decision, I want you to know one thing: you are not alone and there is always hope.