raphe,
Aren't you born again? Dont you know that once you put your trust in Jesus as your Lord and Saviour, your sins (past,present,future) have already been wiped out?
Whatever you receive today from God, whether its healing or prosperity, you receive becos you believe. God blesses inspite of who you are becos and only becos of Christ Jesus' finished work. That's the beauty of his Grace!
You are still trying to earn salvation. You are trying to earn healing. Both are free gifts, and you can't do anything to receive except believe.
Communion is not a time to take on suffering -- that's self righteousness -- and trying to add to the FINISHED work of Christ. Christ suffered so that you need not suffer. But you are doing the opposite and trying to be like Lamb of God no 2.
At the cross are all the divine exchanges (what Christ gave up SO THAT YOU MIGHT HAVE IT) some of which are:
* He became sin that we might be made the righteousness of God in Him (2 Corinthians 5:21). In other words, He took on our sinful nature that we may take on His righteousness.
* He died that we might have eternal life (Romans 6:23).
* He bore your pains and sicknesses that you might have health (Isa 53:3,4)
* His body was broken and ours might be whole!
* He was made a curse on the cross that we might be blessed with all spiritual blessings in Christ Jesus (Ephesians 1:3).
* He was made materially poor at the cross that we might be made materially rich (2 Corinthians 8:9).
* He was forsaken on the cross by His Father that we might never be forsaken by Him (Matthew 27:46, Matthew 28:20, Mark 15:34, Hebrews 13:5).
* He lost the Father-Son relationship (Jesus called His Father, "God", for the first time on the cross) so that we might call God "Abba! Father!" (Matthew 27:46, Mark 15:34, Romans 8:15, Galatians 4:6).
* He bore God's wrath that we might not be appointed unto wrath (Isaiah 53:5, 1 Thessalonians 1:10, 1 Thessalonians 5:9).
* He became a man of sorrows on the cross that we might have His joy (Isaiah 53:3, John 16:20, John 17:13).
The list is by no means exhaustive. There is so much more that Jesus suffered and died to give us. We are only scratching the surface of God's grace. Perhaps that is why Paul said that he was determined to know nothing else but Christ and Christ crucified (1 Corinthians 2:2), that is, Jesus and what He had accomplished on the cross.
SO instead of rejoicing and finding out what belongs to you, and receiving by faith, you are trying to take the place of Christ on the cross by 'suffering' as he did. This is self-righteouness.
Let go and rest in the finished work of the cross. Rest in the Son.
If you want to know what communion is all about, I'd encourage you to visit this link:
http://sg.geocities.com/saltandlight5/communion.html
Communion is a time to receive health and healing, and a time to remember how righteous you are in Christ. Not to condemn yourself.
You may be struggling with some sin or sins. IF sin has dominion over you, then the Bible says its becos you dont know God's grace and have put yourself under laws/dos and donts. Expose yourself to his pure grace, and those sins will fall off like dead leaves off a healthy tree. Grace transforms from inside out, and the process is effortless becos it is no longer you doing it but the power of the Holy Spirit. Ob your part you just continue to love him and worship him and hear abt his grace.